Today's festive fresco – Joseph failing to guess correctly during a game of Charades -
Thursday, 5 December 2013
Wednesday, 4 December 2013
I found pornography in the 1986 Argos catalogue! Look – there's a nipple and everything!
Argos and 'Triton' have a lot to answer for. Also, she looks vaguely surprised that the shower should have water coming out of it. That is all.
Today I want to show you one of my most treasured pieces of memorabilia – a photo taken of a 4 year old me on Christmas day, surrounded by all my loot.
Picture is below, but if you want a bigger version CLICK THIS LINK
1. Batman on TV
Since it has Batgirl in it, it might be the episode where she nearly drowns in a barrel, which would have been her own stupid fault for not realising she could have just stood up in the barrel. That's the only episode I remember anything about as a kid.
2. Shitty Christmas card I made sellotaped to the wall
Maybe this was before they invented BluTack, I don't know. Maybe my parents were just idiots in the 80s.
3. Rude balloons
Obvious now, but I guess we never spotted it. That is to say I never spotted it – maybe it caused hours of hilarity for my mum and dad, and possibly for my sniggering older sisters too.
4. My Child doll
A few years after I got her, I got into trouble for drawing red spots all over her in felt tip pen and claiming she had a life threatening illness.
5. Musical Christmas bear
When you pressed his paw, his heart lit up and he played Christmas carols. My god, I loved that bear to the point of insanity. I still have him somewhere, but his batteries have long since died. I don't know if his batteries are replaceable, or if I just couldn't be arsed to do it last time I looked.
6. Random bride doll
I don't think this was a Barbie or a Sindy, judging by the packaging it was a knock off, probably called Sharon or something.
Princess the swan no less. I used to keep all my secret things in my Keyper until one day I noticed it had some weird brown stuff spilled inside it. Probably chocolate, but it could have been toxic waste for all I know.
8. Selection box
Nothing much to say here, except that I probably nommed the whole thing that day.
9. Bluebird market stall
One of my best presents ever, I'm just sorry my stupid 4 year old self is in the way of it in this picture. Never mind, here is another picture of it I nicked off Google -
The side you see was a burger stall, and the other side was a traditional fruit and veg stall. I think there was a squeaky phone on it somewhere. My god. The hours I spent shouting at my family to come and pay me money for plastic carrots and burgers. Happy times.
Blame my mother.
11. Magnetic blackboard
I used to love playing schools with this, lining my toys up and barking the alphabet at them, which was pretty much all I ever remember my teachers doing.
Maybe I'll post a photo of the 30 year old me on Christmas day - if you want to see me sat round scratching myself and eating Matchmakers.
Tuesday, 3 December 2013
As you may have seen on the World Of Crap facebook page, we have recently been enjoying a box of Kellogs Start at breakfast time.
I haven't had Start since I was about three, and even then I probably wouldn't have been able to eat it, since the best way to describe it is a very, very manly version of Cheerios. You have to leave it in the milk for roughly an hour before you start to nom.
Having said that, we're determined to finish the box for nostalgia purposes, because we're insane.
I'm not sure if they recently brought Start back, or if I just haven't noticed it around for twenty five years. Either way, it counts as blast from the past food.
And now, because that bit was so interesting to read, here are four more things I miss stuffing my face with -
Burger King BK Flamer
I was the kind of kid who hated any kind of weird food with weird stuff in, so whenever I had fast food I always had to have it specially done with no sauce or manky pickles or anything. My best ever plain burger was a BK flamer – I think it was probably meant to come with lettuce and mayo or something, but the small me was in seventh heaven eating a piece of reformed chicken breast between two slices of bread. It was called a Flamer because they cooked it by setting it on fire, or something. Nowadays you can get something very similar in the form of a Rustlers chicken burger, which is actually very nice to say you do it in the microwave.
I only really remember having this once, when I went to see the poet Mike Harding doing a show at our school. I never really found out why he did this. I also don't remember how I came to have the can of Tab Clear – it wasn't the kind of drink my parents would have bought on a whim, so I must have asked for it. It was lovely – not quite a syrupy as normal Coke or Diet Coke. This year I've started drinking Tab regular, which I buy whenever I come across an American shop that sells it, and that's pretty similar. I've just realised how boring this bit is – it's essentially me droning on about not liking full fat Coke. Well done you if you're still reading this.
Gino Ginelli ice cream
This is more one for the mister, because although I remember the brilliant advert, I don't really remember what the ice cream tasted like. But he loved their toffee fudge flavour, which he is bound by law to always pronounce “toffee FAUDGE!” for reasons known only to him.
Some liquid coffee concentrate that I can't remember the name of, and that I can't find any bloody record of ever -
NOT Camp Coffee. This stuff was launched sometime in the early to mid 90s in the UK, and its main USP was that 'you find it in the chiller aisle!' Imagine! Buying coffee from next to the milk! The unusualness! Whatever next, marrying goats?
I vaguely remember the bottle; it was dark brown and shaped something like this -
And I'm sure the name ended in O, like Senseo or Tassimo, only not.
In my neverending quest to find out what this bloody coffee is called, I went to the Bramah museum of tea and coffee's website, only to find that the museum had shut down four years ago. It's got so bad that I'm seriously considering emailing Nescafe, Kenco and Douwe Egberts to ask them if they were responsible. But I'd look like a mad lady. They might ask why I want to know, and then I'd have to say something like “because it haunts my dreams at night, please help me!”
We've only got about eight bits of Start left in the box now, which is good because when it's finished I can use the box to make a pretend tank or something.
Monday, 2 December 2013
Sunday, 1 December 2013
Shit just got festive here at World Of Crap, and I'd like to kick off the season of good cheer by writing about one of my favourite ever Rainbow episodes – The Colours Of The Rainbow. This was the gang's first attempt at a Christmas panto,
taking place a year before its more famous counterpart. It was featured on the
Christmas Rainbow VHS, along with Wrapping And Unwrapping and The Rainbow Nativity. I've written about those two episodes before, now it's time to complete the holy trinity.
Coming up in this episode -
Geoffrey pretending to be 10 -
Bungle dressed as a woman (again) -
Evil Zippy dressed as Julian Clary -
Nightmare fuel -
For those of you who want to watch along with me, here is the Youtube link, uploaded by LisaGlitters - LINK!
We begin with Evil Zippy, AKA 'The Yellow Dwarf', performing the most terrifying of rituals - poetry. Then the good guy, 'Fairy George', comes along and fucks Zippy's shit up by doing a rhyme about flowers or kittens or something. It's like the world's worst rap battle -
Next up we have Rod Jane and Freddy - after all, no Rainbow special would be complete without them. Jane appears to be wearing a bottle of Heinz tomato sauce -
So - some musical twiddling, and then stupid hairy Bungle Bonce crashes into the set on a tricycle. We would do better not to enquire as to why this is so. I think it's in the script, but you never know with Bungle.
Here is 'Dame Bungle', AKA Geoffrey's mother -
Rod Jane and Freddy proceed to take the piss out of her appearance for a bit, then bugger off somewhere, leaving Bungle to look for her son -
Bungle and Geoffrey keep missing each other, prompting Bungle to ask the viewers at home for help. She finaly collars her wayward son, only for him to nick her bike.
Back to Evil Zippy, who reveals his plan to steal all the colour from the world. If Zippy hates colour so much, maybe Rainbow wasn't the best choice of show for him to star in? Anyway, through magic and reasons, he manages to make the world completely greyscale -
That is, apart from the rainbow outside, which will be important later, and for some reason Geoffrey and Bungle themselves, but I don't think we're supposed to mention that. Sssssssshhhhhhh.
Bungle and Geoffrey are really pissed off that someone has nicked their colour, as they were planning to watch the test card on TV later, and now that won't be any fun.
Then, for reasons known only to Geoffrey, he works out that all the colour must now be in the rainbow, and that he'll somehow be able to get it back from there.
This new found determination/lunacy prompts a visit from Fairy George, rap battle runner up extrordinaire -
George brings with him a fresh supply of magic and reasons, and sends Geoffrey off to the land of red, to get some red.
This is where the nightmare fuel comes in -
Rainbow - inspiring terror since 1972.
Geoffrey's sojourn in hell works, and the red is returned to the house. Now Geoffrey must go score some orange, helped by Isaac Newton on a space hopper -
Isaac Newton also warns Geoffrey not to upset the Yellow Dwarf (Evil Zippy). This is unfortunate, because the very next thing Geoffrey has to do is find some yellow. This time he isn't transported to a weird yellow world. Instead, Evil Zippy rocks up in his kitchen, and recites a rather creepy poem -
"Not so fast, Geoffrey Hayes,
Out of this are many ways,
But not for you, my charming fellow,
For here you'll stay, and become quite yellow!”
Is it bad that I just wrote that whole thing from memory?
Anyway, Geoffrey tries to catch the Yellow Dwarf without success. When Geoffrey is good and knackered, Zippy relents and says he can have his yellow back if he'll sing the special rainbow song. But look out Geoffrey, it's a trap! As soon as he attempts to sing the song, Zippy gets pissed off and magics his voice away! Now Geoffrey is well and truly fucked.
Fortunately, Fairy George chooses that moment to reappear, and has brought with him enough magic and reasons for everyone. It transpires that if the kids at home can sing the rainbow song for Geoffrey, then he'll get his voice back, along with all the yellow he could ever want. The viewers are helped by Geoffrey pointing to the words of the song in picture form -
Next up - Green. Geoffrey finds himself at Center Parcs, accompanied by the Green Princess (a cross between Jane and the Jolly Green Giant) -
She sings him a song, and he falls asleep, and somehow that gets the green back.
When Geoffrey wakes up, he is no longer at Center Parcs, but at the North Pole, shivering his tits off -
Then the blue dude rocks up, looking for a hanky, which Geoffrey provides. There seems to be no way out of this one without enlisting the help of Fairy George. If Fairy George was so good, Geoffrey wouldn't have had to shout him in the first place.
Suddenly, Geoffrey is magically transported back into his kitchen, along with the blue guy and, inexplicably, orange guy and green woman as well -
What happens next is very clever - they manage to get round the problem of indigo and violet without having to shell out for any extra cast members. The blue guy melts, and we see that he's a bigger version of the yellow dwarf! And also Rod.
Then Evil Zippy appears again, and during the following conversation Rod and Zippy conveniently remember that they are actually father and son, and that Zippy's mother is called Indigo, and his sister is called Violet. Zippy declares that now he's found his Dad, he'll turn over a new leaf and help the poor and stuff. Absolutely nothing else is explained.
Fairy George crashes the party, and together the guys summon Dame Bungle. Why they needed to use magic to return her to her own house is beyond me. Also, we never learn where she's been this whole time, but we do get to see her knickers,
which I suppose is a bonus if you like that sort of thing.
We finish with a nice song about your dreams being at the end of the rainbow, and then everyone must say goodbye and go back to dull reality, boooo.
Fun facts about this episode -
1. Geoffrey and Bungle wrote the script (really - watch the credits).
2. I have seen this episode 16,597 times.
3. Geoffrey isn't really 10 years old, but uses special prosthetics to achieve this effect.
IT'S HERE! I can't sing a fanfare on here, but I'll have a go at writing one -
Do doo dooo do doodlooodoodlooooooooooooo!
I have painstakingly handcrafted an appropriately festive picture for every day as we count down to Christmas. I don't need thanks – it's my calling.
So let us kick off with December 1st -
Christmas in the hot tub with the three wise men -
Be sure to call back tomorrow to open another thrilling door on the calendar!
Friday, 29 November 2013
Good evening nerds and serial killers of the internet. One of the things I love to do is pull Christmas crackers and see what tat awaits me inside. I think I bought this year's first box of crackers in September, because that's how cool I am. Allow me to show you some of the life-enhancing sundries me and the mister have collected so far, along with the jokes, half of which make little to no sense and were probably translated from Latvian or something.
2 dimensional plastic car -
Good for sticking to the window to make people think there is a flying car outside.
“Q -Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
A – They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone!”
Sorry for the spoiler, but it's going to be a parrot -
The warning label is not part of the finished jigsaw.
Unfortunately, I couldn't do it, and had to get the mister to help me. This makes me sad.
“Q – If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
A – Missile Toe” Mistletoe – geddit? Me neither.
Cookie cutters -
A Christmas tree and a bellend.
“Q – Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
A – 'Rude'-olph!”
Cue giggling from my American readers because I got a rubber.
“Q – What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A – Frostbite!”
I love combs. Who doesn't? Unfortunately, the mister has decided to own this one to comb his beard, so he can look even more swish.
“Q – How do you stop a skunk smelling?
A – Hold its nose!”
Jumping frog -
Nothing remotely bad to say about this – everyone loves jumping frogs. Especially when they are yellow.
“Q – What's an airline pilot's favourite crisps?
A – Plain.”