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Friday 18 October 2013

A quick update on my Bruce/vampire theory

Following on from This post, I have another piece of evidence to suggest that Bruce Forsyth really is king of the vampires. They definitely do his bidding. Check it out -


Why would this even be a thing if it wasn't for Brucie's unrelenting power over the underworld? Normally, if there's a less than good joke from a presenter and it falls flat, then so be it, and the presenter is given a bit of a slap on the wrist. Not so for His Naughtiness. YOU WILL LAUGH AT HIS JOKES! Or face eternity as our servant, or something.

I'm not saying that he is king of the vampires, just that anyone called Bruce Forsyth who presents Strictly Come Dancing DEFINITELY is.

Thursday 17 October 2013

Christmas gift ideas from 1991

Christmas is nearly upon us. I'm not sure why, but Christmas seems to have begun even earlier this year. Isn't it supposed to start around mid-November? They had Christmas trees in Tesco last month, and in the pound shops, scary Halloween skellingtons are jostling for position with reindeer horns.

Whatever. I love Christmas, so I'm not complaining. However, I have no idea what to buy anyone this year. I do have my dad's present sorted, but he'll never read this blog because as far as he's concerned the internet only consists of Ebay.

If you're anything like me, you might want to get some inspiration from Christmas gift guides of yesteryear. I dug out the 1991 Argos catalogue to see what crap we bought for each other before everyone just started getting iPads all the time.

I was originally just going to pick five or six things to talk about, but I ended up finding cool stuff on nearly every page. As such, this might be in two parts, depending on how long I can type before I get bored/fall asleep.

Here is the hallowed book -



I would have thought this was an actual Christmas gift guide if it hadn't been for the iron - on what planet do you buy someone a fucking iron for Christmas? "Happy Christmas darling, I know how much you love to stand there making my clothes flatter for me." Grrr.

Never mind, let's move on -

Page 67 - watches


If anyone has a time machine and is planning to buy me a present, I would very much like the Garfield watch. Either that or the New Kids On The Block watch. Just the thought of having those five hair-gelled hunks on my wrist makes me swoon. Girls who currently wear a One Direction watch, take note - this is your future.
Incidentally, I still have no. 23 - the red Timex "Time Tutor" watch. It still fits me. I wore it to work last year and couldn't understand why people were laughing at me. Then again people tend to laugh at me anyway.

Pages 85 & 86 - women's crap


According to this, women like coathangers, dolls and going in the bath. It's still better than nowadays, where every gift for a woman is bright pink and fluffy and has the word 'slut' written on it. Probably.

Pages 91 & 92 - men's crap



Men, on the other hand, like having a briefcase and being able to find their way around with a handy road atlas. I think the Swiss army knife is to stab whoever bought them the road atlas.


Page 95 - Lighters!


Jesus Christ! Lighters! Actual lighters used for smoking! Now, I love smoking as it's big, clever and makes me look interesting, but even I find this section odd. Plus, there's a lighter shaped like a gun, can you imagine that being allowed nowadays? If you whipped that out in the street you'd be arrested quicker than you can say 'low tar'.

Page 171 - tiger blanket


Look at that woman. Look how cool she looks. Strangeley, she manages to look warm at the same time. You know what I'd do if I had that blanket? I'd hide underneath it, then when the mister came home from work, I'd make tiger noises and pretend there was a massive tiger in the room. I hope he doesn't read this, because I might actually do that one day.

Page 246 - shellsuits


I refer you to This Post on the wonders of the shell suit. In order to buy one from the Argos catalogue, however, you have to fill in a form promising to do one of the above poses while wearing it. That way people will know it's an Argos shell suit. Advertising, you see.

Page 293 - walkmen


Can you guess which of these walkmans (walkmen?) is my favourite? Yes that's right, it's no. 14 - the Sony WM-FX16. It has anti-roll, metal tape facility, DC in socket, and a handy belt clip! Just kidding - my favourite is actually no. 16 - the Sony SPORTS walkman, because it's yellow, and because it will make me look like I get off my sofa once in a while.


Page 304 - pocket TV


My god, I ALWAYS wanted a pocket TV when I was a kid. To have my very own pocket TV was like being able to hold the world in my hand. I would get giddy when I imagined the sheer thrill of hiding under the covers at 2 a.m. and being able to watch reruns of The Equalizer and American Gladiators. It is a source of much regret that I never got one. I imagine I'd have got bored with it pretty quickly though, since you wouldn't actually be able to see anything due to it having a screen the size of a pea.

Page 317 - the original Playstation 


Pictured here in the middle, the original "Playstation" was not made by Sony, but by Petite (Sony were too busy making yellow walkmen back then). Not so much a games console, more a rehearsal for life of working in a petrol station after you'd failed all your exams. Two estranged children and a 25% discount on top shelf magazines not included.

Pages 319 & 320 - how girls learn to be women


From the age of about one, girls should be taught the mysterious arts of hoovering, ironing, preening in front of a mirror and carrying a screaming, shit-covered baby around. While the boys' pages featured toxic ooze and flying blimps, the girl's pages were essentially scaled down versions of Mothercare and Comet.


Page 326 - jobs


Just in case some girls do escape the clutches of the household and decide they want to do a job of work, Argos sees that they are prepared for that too. Here, a girl can learn to be an office assistant, a secretary, or even a typist! Ok, so I'm kind of wilfully ignoring the police station playset in the top corner, but come on - all they can bloody do on that is answer the phone.


Page 328 - skippet


Shown in the middle of the page, the ball on a string that went round your leg was the only physical activity I was genuinely good at. I could never do handstands, or roller-skate, or balance on one of those stupid things at the bottom, called a 'Disk-O hopper'. Anyone who was good at one of those is an arsehole, because I say so.

Page 335 & 336 - computers (sort of)


I definitely had no. 12 - Grandstand 'First Talking Computer', and I had the sequel to 23 - V-Tech Pre Computer 1000 (excitingly named Pre Computer 2000). I saw my Granstand computer in a museum earlier this year, and my own mortality flew past my eyes like dead leaves. Oh god, I am 30 this month. 
Where was I? I also think I might have had the red hand held game at the top of the second page - if it's the one I'm thinking of, it doesn't have music, it just makes a monotone beeping noise until my mother throws it out of the window.

Page 347 - Robin Hood Prince Of Theives


Which film shall we make a toy line of this year? Oh, it should definitely be that Kevin Costner one - you know, the one with men getting their hands cut off and their eyes poked out, the one with a breech birth, people getting stabbed to death, and lots of implied shagging, some of which is consensual. Not to mention a Robin Hood with a fucking American accent.

Page 355 - Barbie dream house


You know what my dream house would have? Enough walls. And it wouldn't have some giant children coming in and moving my furniture around. I do like the balcony bit though.


So there we have it. I hope that's given you some idea of what to buy for your loved ones. The slight drawback is that some of these things are now only available from 1991, but you can't have everything.

Thursday 10 October 2013

I think Bruce Forsyth is king of the vampires

I've been developing a theory recently. By 'developing a theory', I mean it's been popping into my head while I've been sitting round in my pants drinking sherry with the mister. But it is valid nonetheless.

In a nutshell - I am convinced that Bruce Forsyth is the king of the vampires.

Firstly, let me deal with the immediate questions this raises.

1. "Vampires don't exist". Oh yes they do, I've seen them on the TV. The ones I've seen have names like Hal and Edward, and they have nice hair. See the critically acclaimed 2008 documentary Twilight for more details.

2. "But Forsyth was born in 1928!" So? Just because he's immortal now doesn't mean he's been around since the birth of Christ. I also happen to have pinpointed the vampire who most likely turned Bruce in the first place, which I shall come to later.

3. "Jenny, you're a twat." That may very well be the case, but I am still right.

Incidentally, Forsyth's father was named John Thomas. British people will snigger at this.

Okey dokey, let's continue.

I have been following Bruce Forsyth's career for many years now, and may as well start by addressing the elephant in the room - THE MAN DOES NOT AGE. Oh sure, he has birthdays, but not in the depressing, skidding towards death way that you and I have them. Physically, he does not get any older. Let's take a look at the following pictures -

Bruce in 1978 -



Bruce in 1998 -



Bruce in 2018 (probably) -



Gentlemen of the jury, the man is still a sprightly young whippersnapper of indeterminate age. He is still tapdancing around and having a full head of hair, which won't do at all.

My second piece of evidence is this - have you or anyone you know actually ever met Bruce Forsyth? I mean, he's so famous that everyone must have at least been in the same room as him at some point, right? Not so. I do not know one single person who has met him, nor does anyone I have ever met know anyone who has met him. There are two possible explanations for this. One - he spends all his free time in a darkened room, and only comes out for television appearances. Two - no one who has met the king of the vampires ever lives to tell the tale.

Lastly, I would invite you to look at the unnatural orange hue of the man. Human beings do not get to be this colour, even with the most extreme sunbed use. So I put it to you that his colour is a result of gorging on blood.

Now that we've established beyond all doubt ever that Forsyth is indeed king of the vampires, let us move on to examining just how he got to be king of the vampires.
I mentioned earlier that I have found the vampire that turned Bruce. I believe it to be this man -



I couldn't be bothered to look up his name, so let's call him Derek.

Derek rose to prominence as Bruce's helper on 90s TV staple Bruce's Price Is Right. At this point my thoughts branch off in two directions. Firstly, perhaps Derek was offered the glamorous job of prize displayer by a power hungry Forsyth, in exchange for immortality and possibly superhuman strength. Secondly, maybe Derek already had the job and turned Bruce of his own volition, in order to have a powerful ally. After all, vampire rules dictate that you should always be loyal to the one who created you.

I am inclined to favour the first explanation, seeing as Derek, to my knowledge, has not really done anything since parading around in his knickers in front of a go-kart and a fitted kitchen.

Once Forsyth had immortality on his side, getting to be top dog in the vampire underworld wouldn't have been so very hard for him. For starters, he could have bribed his way to the top using all the prizes they didn't win on the four thousand game shows he's presented. Or he could have even bribed his way to the top by offering the vampire elite a chance to appear on The Generation Game, failing to use a potter's wheel correctly in front of a studio audience.

He may not have even needed the bribes. Let's face it, Bruce Forsyth is so powerful that he could probably have become king of the vampires without having to become a vampire. But that is an unpleasant alternative,and involves a vicious, blood soaked turf war, possibly involving Miss Cilla Black (incidentally, I'm not saying that Cilla Black is a vampire, but if she is, it was definitely 'our Graham' who turned her).

I prefer to think that Bruce became head honcho by being generous with his wealth of prizes he nicked from studios. Or maybe the other vampires were all big fans of his light hearted, tap dancing themed tomfoolery, and realised it was destiny that he should rule over them. All I'm saying is that Forsyth is definitely a vampire, and that he is naturally a man who will win over a crowd and rise to the top of his profession. There is simply one one who could outrank him at the moment.

Maybe in the future a new light entertainment presenter/vampire will come along and challenge his crown, but I can't see that happening for a while. After all, Ant and Dec are a bit crap, and so is the other one who presents Saturday night TV. I don't know his name, maybe it's Paul.