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Saturday 28 December 2013

The World Of Crap advent calendar – December 24th and 25th

The best part of an advent calendar is suddenly realising you've left loads of doors to open all at once, because they're all full of crappy Lidl chocolate and you aren't particularly bothered about them anyway. So imagine the excitement of being able to open two doors of the World Of Crap advent calendar at once! This can be so, since I've been in the middle of a field since Wednesday.


So here we go with Christmas Eve – a dinosaur interrupts midnight mass -


And Christmas Day – Happy Christmas from Ceefax!


Monday 23 December 2013

The World Of Crap advent calendar – December 23rd

Today we have the three kings – Stephen King, Martin Luther King, and Stephen Haw-King -


Sunday 22 December 2013

Saturday 21 December 2013

Friday 20 December 2013

Thursday 19 December 2013

Wednesday 18 December 2013

The World Of Crap advent calendar – December 18th

Today's yuletide lovely is the elves sorting out letters to Santa. The elves are Val Doonican, Noel Edmonds, Ted Danson, Cliff Richard and Eamonn Holmes -


Tuesday 17 December 2013

The World Of Crap advent calendar – December 17th

Today we have The Queen giving her Christmas Day speech from the top of Blackpool Tower -


Monday 16 December 2013

Sunday 15 December 2013

The World Of Crap advent calendar – December 15th

Today's masterpiece is King Herod getting pissed after failing to find the baby Jesus -


Saturday 14 December 2013

The World Of Crap advent calendar – December 14th

Sorry for the late post – mega long shift again – anyway, today we have Bob Holness of Blockbusters fame arranging his presents under the tree -



Friday 13 December 2013

My fantasy Christmas day line up

Now that everyone has two million channels to watch, the magic has been taken out of learning what is to be on TV at Christmas. We no longer eagerly pore over the Radio Times, fervently hoping that our favourite Police Academy movie will be shown. It usually was – right after 'Reflections on the Eucharist' with the Reverend Paul Leyland.


Knowing the TV schedule in advance was good because it allowed you to plan your entire day around the box. For example, it was good to know that you could get up at the crack of dawn in order to start Christmas at the proper time, and your parents wouldn't order you back to bed because you could sit there being babysat by reruns of Sesame Street until they decided to haul themselves out of their pit.

Planning what you would watch on Christmas day was also a way of handling the infinitely long wait for the big event. It was a way to keep the festivities close and stop them spinning off into the furthest reaches of 'ages away'. If you knew what was going to be on TV over Christmas, then you knew that Christmas itself was just round the corner, because no one publishes the TV guide a year in advance or anything stupid like that. You felt a little bit more in control, and were too busy trying to decide between Noel Edmonds live from the telecom tower and The Nativity – live from Dudley Road Primary School to give much thought to the fact that you weren't tearing wrapping paper off things at that exact moment.

Nowadays, of course, it is possible to watch absolutely anything you want over Christmas. If you want to watch an entire series of Birds of a feather on Christmas eve, followed by every Queen's speech for the last ten years on Christmas day, you can. I might have a crack at this myself this year – instead of throwing myself on the mercy of Sky Digital, I might plan a proper Christmas day schedule, and force my companions to watch it with me. Although to be honest I probably won't, because I'll have been drinking whiskey and ginger on Christmas eve, and will probably just slump out of bed at 10 a.m. and go for a fag.

But I'm going to compile my fantasy line up anyway, more to bore you guys than anything else.

I'm going to stick to channels that were available when I was a kid – so anything on Channel 5 or Sky would be kind of cheating, and it's not like anyone watches Channel 5 anyway. Inspiration is taken from the following sites with thanks -



Check them out if you like looking at old TV listings. Possibly only I do that.

Now then -

6.am - Cartoons on Channel 4 (since BBC was boring and closed down until an hour later). Choose from Dangermouse, Heathcliff, Dennis, non Disney animated fairytales, and cheap cartoons about the boy who saved Christmas and stuff. Marvellous.

7.am – Children's BBC – with Andi Peters, Andy Crane, Santa and Edd the duck. Programmes include Playbus, Bananaman, The Family Ness, SuperTed, Postman Pat and some movie about Santa. Followed by Weather.

9.30am – Shout For Joy! From St. Francis' Church, Birmingham

10.30am - Sesame Street Christmas Special

11.20am - Noel's Christmas Presents – I do love this show – it's a Christmas day staple in our family. This is the one we like the most -


12.30pm - Christmas news and weather – with Michael Buerk, Peter Sissons or Nicholas Witchell – not bothered which.

1pm - Comedy gold with Some Mothers Do 'ave 'em and Allo allo

2.15pm – Bullseye Christmas special –


3pm – Mrs Queen

3.10pm – Film – Short Circuit 2 starring Michael Mckean and Fisher Stevens

5pm – Christmas news and weather – with Moira Stewart, Angela Rippon and Peter Levy (Look North region only)

5.30pm – The Snowman – another staple I can't possibly leave out of the line up.

6pm – The Russ Abbot Christmas Show – with special guests the Grumbleweeds

7pm – More classic comedy with Bread and Hi De Hi!

8pm – Brookside Christmas special – Ron Dixon accuses Jimmy Corkhill of trying to burgle his house, not knowing that Jimmy is actually dropping presents off. Meanwhile, Terry Sullivan still has a moustache.

8.30pm – Film – Road House – starring Patrick Swayze –

 
must be interrupted by an evening news update.
 
10.15pm – Spitting Image Christmas Pantomime

10.45pm – Christmas Carols live from St. Severus

11.30pm – Film – Carry On Cleo

1am – Pages from Ceefax

The World Of Crap advent calendar – December 13th

Friday the 13th = wooooo, scarey darey! So today's picture is something suitably terrifying – Matthew Corbett regretting his decision to go buy a turkey -


Thursday 12 December 2013

Wednesday 11 December 2013

Tuesday 10 December 2013

The World Of Crap advent calendar – December 10th

If you're wondering why these posts come at random times every day, it's because I work shifts, so I post whenever I can. After I've eaten an entire packet of Jaffa Cakes. Anyway, today's picture is Jim Bowen and Roy Walker enjoying Christmas together in Tobago -


Monday 9 December 2013

The World Of Crap advent calendar – December 9th

Today's brilliant art is Putin refusing to kiss Obama under the mistletoe -


As always, click to enlarge, and follow me if you like this, you bastards 

Sunday 8 December 2013

The World Of Crap advent calendar – December 8th

What do we have today? Well children, we have the baby Jesus being guarded by He-Man, Lion-O and Leonardo, a trusty trio I'm sure you'll agree.


Saturday 7 December 2013

This is why I shouldn't be allowed pens

I was really bored during some training at work the other day, so I decided to indulge my current obsession with Dyslexic MC Hammer -


I have no idea what the red stuff is – I had the picture in my coat pocket for five minutes, and to my knowledge I've never had a red pen in that pocket, ever. I'm 70% sure it's not blood. It might be MC Hammer's blood, like a sort of miracle, I don't know.

The World Of Crap advent calendar – December 7th

Behind today's door is my festive holly bush – featuring Holly Valance, The Hollies, and some other shite -


Cans of lager and packets of lard - four people's memories of Santa

You're standing in the queue, about to pee yourself with excitement. Just three more kids and then it's your turn! At that point you cannot think of anything greater than the honour of being able to sit on an old man's knee and convince him you've done absolutely nothing wrong this year. No, make that ever, just to be on the safe side. After all, you absolutely have to be sure of getting that A La Carte Kitchen or that Barbie Dream House, otherwise you will actually die.

Two more kids before you. You start to panic – maybe Santa will run out of time or run out of presents before he sees you? Quietly you start to think about ways you could get the other kids out of the way. Maybe shout really loudly to Santa that the two kids in front of you robbed a bank this Spring, so they definitely shouldn't get anything.


Luckily, by the time your stupid four year old brain has hatched this plan, the two kids in front have been and gone, and there you are, standing in front of a wonderland that contains all your hopes and dreams -


Now it's time for you to meet the big man -


Holy hell, could this get any more exciting? Now's not the time to get stagefright and be a wuss. Mentally you go over your Christmas list one more time, just to make sure there's nothing you've forgotten. Then you're ushered in by an elf, and the greatest meeting since the Frost/Nixon interview can begin.

Now, because my coffee and beer fuddled mind cannot come up with more than one memory of going to see Santa, I've invited some of my esteemed colleagues to write about their memories of the big guy.

Firstly, the mister's memories of Santa -

"All kids know that dodgy garden centre Santa isn't really Santa but one of his “helpers” (editor's note – I thought it was really Santa, but I was an idiot). When I was a child I wondered about the inner workings of this arrangement. Did these toys come from the North Pole, or were they actually the ones next to the weird green stuff you put dried flowers in? Did Santa have a standardised training policy to maintain his brand image? Did they have a union? Did they report back to Santa daily with gift givings to make sure that if someone was actually a dick they could have the present forcibly removed? And if so, how did the elves sort through all those letters AND the ones sent by kids? Did their pay come through the same distribution channel? Where does Postman Pat get off having a van if Santa can use magic? Stupid Pat.

All of this was moot though, because I never received presents from Santa when I was a kid.

This wasn't because I was some sort of social leper (I was but that's not the point), but for two other, more boring reasons. One - you would never hear the “S” word uttered in my house unless it was coming from Dudley Moore or bellowed over the top of a Coca-Cola advert, he was definitely Father Christmas in my day. Two - present giving in my family was apparently non-standard. You see I never actually received presents from the bearded one, all my presents were from actually real life people. People like my sister, and odd family members who weren't actually related but were suspiciously close to my mother that we called Uncle Steve. And of course from my parents. But never Father Christmas.

They explained this by saying that Father Christmas didn't know how to make things like Gameboys and graphics calculators because he only did woodwork at school. So, they bought the presents, and then sent them to Father Christmas for later delivery. Being a moron (and 7) I never questioned that my parents had reduced Father Christmas down to some sort of 80s Ebay, and instead held my head high, since I had been trusted with knowledge of the inner workings of the North Pole's empire. Later I realised it was all a sham, but carried on pretending, because it got me more presents.

Things nowadays are completely different. Instead of the 80s Ebay where my dad bought everything, I now have the actual Ebay. Which I use to buy what I actually want, and not a sodding graphics calculator."

Alex is 30 and a half.

Now some thoughts from my alcoholic friend Ginny – his blog can be found HERE

"My dad used to run a working men’s club, a British Legion to be precise. Every year on Christmas Eve he’d organise a big party for all the local kids, get the big function room all decorated with tinsel and stuff and a huge tree (well I was only a little kid, it looked bloody gigantic to me).
When the music was blaring out and all the games were in full flow, we’d turn around and there would be Santa. He’d be stood at the bar, pint glass in hand and now that I look back on it, he never looked that impressed to be there.
He’d be all jolly to us all, say “ho, ho, ho” and everything that you’d expect him to say, sit us all on his lap (not all at the same time obviously), give us some cheap tat for a present and promise to bring the rest later.
The party would end quite a bit before midnight; the parents would take all the kids home. I’d stay on a bit, waiting for my mother to finish cleaning up behind the bar so she could run me and my siblings home. When we got home we’d leave the usual carrot and saucer of milk for Rudolph and for the main man himself there would be a couple of cans of lager (Editor's note – in the North of England you were supposed to leave a packet of lard out for Santa.) and some chocolate bars.
I did used to wonder though; if Santa drank at every house and party he was at, how did he manage to deliver presents all over the world?"



I also phoned my dad up and asked him for his memories of the big red dude. He got sidetracked and started talking about firemen wearing bras, but in the middle of that we have some fine 1950s Santa memories -

We went every year to see Santa at the local fire brigade Christmas party, held at the fire station (I should explain that my dad's dad was a fireman). The firemen who were not currently putting out fires put on various bits of entertainment for the kids. This involved firemen dressed in fairy wings and bras, singing well known easy listening standards. One fireman's bra fell up and somehow ended up in the audience. A little girl brought it back, holding it over her own non-existent boobs on the way to the stage.

When Santa (one of the firemen) finally made his appearance, wouldn't you know it – I was the last in line. I was so worried he'd run out of presents, I didn't know what to do. I didn't realise that “Santa's” presents had been supplied by our own parents. I became more and more anxious, cursing myself for not fighting my way to the front. However, this story has a happy ending – I got a cowboy fort! Made by my Dad, who made a lot of toys for me.

That reminds me Jenny, did I tell you about the last episode of Homes Under The Hammer I saw?...”

This was my cue to politely make my excuses and disconnect the call.

Personally, my best memory of Santa is getting some pots and pans. I was so overjoyed with this; I probably had the A La Carte kitchen to use them in by this time. This year I am expecting the following things from Santa -

A bottle of alcoholic booze

A copy of Viz

20 things from the pound shop

A hangover

Fewer pots n pans than I have had in previous years

Finally, just a reminder – don't forget to leave a can of lager and a packet of lard out for the big guy.

Friday 6 December 2013

The World Of Crap advent calendar – December 6th

What do we have today? We have Rod, Jane and Freddy all trying to fit into the same Christmas jumper -


Thursday 5 December 2013

The World Of Crap advent calendar – December 5th

Today's festive fresco – Joseph failing to guess correctly during a game of Charades -


Wednesday 4 December 2013

Downright filth!

I found pornography in the 1986 Argos catalogue! Look – there's a nipple and everything!


Argos and 'Triton' have a lot to answer for. Also, she looks vaguely surprised that the shower should have water coming out of it. That is all.

Christmas day sometime in the 80s

Today I want to show you one of my most treasured pieces of memorabilia – a photo taken of a 4 year old me on Christmas day, surrounded by all my loot.


Picture is below, but if you want a bigger version CLICK THIS LINK


1. Batman on TV


Since it has Batgirl in it, it might be the episode where she nearly drowns in a barrel, which would have been her own stupid fault for not realising she could have just stood up in the barrel. That's the only episode I remember anything about as a kid.

2. Shitty Christmas card I made sellotaped to the wall


Maybe this was before they invented BluTack, I don't know. Maybe my parents were just idiots in the 80s.

3. Rude balloons


Obvious now, but I guess we never spotted it. That is to say I never spotted it – maybe it caused hours of hilarity for my mum and dad, and possibly for my sniggering older sisters too.

4. My Child doll


A few years after I got her, I got into trouble for drawing red spots all over her in felt tip pen and claiming she had a life threatening illness.

5. Musical Christmas bear


When you pressed his paw, his heart lit up and he played Christmas carols. My god, I loved that bear to the point of insanity. I still have him somewhere, but his batteries have long since died. I don't know if his batteries are replaceable, or if I just couldn't be arsed to do it last time I looked.

6. Random bride doll
 

I don't think this was a Barbie or a Sindy, judging by the packaging it was a knock off, probably called Sharon or something.

7. Keyper


Princess the swan no less. I used to keep all my secret things in my Keyper until one day I noticed it had some weird brown stuff spilled inside it. Probably chocolate, but it could have been toxic waste for all I know.

8. Selection box


Nothing much to say here, except that I probably nommed the whole thing that day.

9. Bluebird market stall


One of my best presents ever, I'm just sorry my stupid 4 year old self is in the way of it in this picture. Never mind, here is another picture of it I nicked off Google -


The side you see was a burger stall, and the other side was a traditional fruit and veg stall. I think there was a squeaky phone on it somewhere. My god. The hours I spent shouting at my family to come and pay me money for plastic carrots and burgers. Happy times.

10. Mullet


Blame my mother.

11. Magnetic blackboard


I used to love playing schools with this, lining my toys up and barking the alphabet at them, which was pretty much all I ever remember my teachers doing.


Maybe I'll post a photo of the 30 year old me on Christmas day - if you want to see me sat round scratching myself and eating Matchmakers.

The World Of Crap advent calendar – December 4th

Today we have Vernon Kay failing to put up his Christmas decorations -


Tuesday 3 December 2013

The World Of Crap advent calendar – December 3rd

Today's festive art – Anne Diamond making a dick of herself in Asda -



More old food and drink I miss

As you may have seen on the World Of Crap facebook page, we have recently been enjoying a box of Kellogs Start at breakfast time.


I haven't had Start since I was about three, and even then I probably wouldn't have been able to eat it, since the best way to describe it is a very, very manly version of Cheerios. You have to leave it in the milk for roughly an hour before you start to nom.

Having said that, we're determined to finish the box for nostalgia purposes, because we're insane.

I'm not sure if they recently brought Start back, or if I just haven't noticed it around for twenty five years. Either way, it counts as blast from the past food.

And now, because that bit was so interesting to read, here are four more things I miss stuffing my face with -

Burger King BK Flamer


I was the kind of kid who hated any kind of weird food with weird stuff in, so whenever I had fast food I always had to have it specially done with no sauce or manky pickles or anything. My best ever plain burger was a BK flamer – I think it was probably meant to come with lettuce and mayo or something, but the small me was in seventh heaven eating a piece of reformed chicken breast between two slices of bread. It was called a Flamer because they cooked it by setting it on fire, or something. Nowadays you can get something very similar in the form of a Rustlers chicken burger, which is actually very nice to say you do it in the microwave.

Tab Clear


I only really remember having this once, when I went to see the poet Mike Harding doing a show at our school. I never really found out why he did this. I also don't remember how I came to have the can of Tab Clear – it wasn't the kind of drink my parents would have bought on a whim, so I must have asked for it. It was lovely – not quite a syrupy as normal Coke or Diet Coke. This year I've started drinking Tab regular, which I buy whenever I come across an American shop that sells it, and that's pretty similar. I've just realised how boring this bit is – it's essentially me droning on about not liking full fat Coke. Well done you if you're still reading this.

Gino Ginelli ice cream


This is more one for the mister, because although I remember the brilliant advert, I don't really remember what the ice cream tasted like. But he loved their toffee fudge flavour, which he is bound by law to always pronounce “toffee FAUDGE!” for reasons known only to him.

Some liquid coffee concentrate that I can't remember the name of, and that I can't find any bloody record of ever -

NOT Camp Coffee. This stuff was launched sometime in the early to mid 90s in the UK, and its main USP was that 'you find it in the chiller aisle!' Imagine! Buying coffee from next to the milk! The unusualness! Whatever next, marrying goats?

I vaguely remember the bottle; it was dark brown and shaped something like this -


And I'm sure the name ended in O, like Senseo or Tassimo, only not.

In my neverending quest to find out what this bloody coffee is called, I went to the Bramah museum of tea and coffee's website, only to find that the museum had shut down four years ago. It's got so bad that I'm seriously considering emailing Nescafe, Kenco and Douwe Egberts to ask them if they were responsible. But I'd look like a mad lady. They might ask why I want to know, and then I'd have to say something like “because it haunts my dreams at night, please help me!”

We've only got about eight bits of Start left in the box now, which is good because when it's finished I can use the box to make a pretend tank or something.

Monday 2 December 2013

The World Of Crap advent calendar – December 2nd

Well, what exciting festive treat awaits us today? It's.... the baby Jesus getting much better presents on his birthday -


Be sure to pop back tomorrow for another exciting masterpiece!

Sunday 1 December 2013

The Rainbow Pantomime – plenty of pants, plenty of mime

Shit just got festive here at World Of Crap, and I'd like to kick off the season of good cheer by writing about one of my favourite ever Rainbow episodes – The Colours Of The Rainbow. This was the gang's first attempt at a Christmas panto,
taking place a year before its more famous counterpartIt was featured on the
Christmas Rainbow VHS, along with Wrapping And Unwrapping and The Rainbow NativityI've written about those two episodes before, now it's time to complete the holy trinity.

Coming up in this episode -

Geoffrey pretending to be 10 -


Bungle dressed as a woman (again) -


Evil Zippy dressed as Julian Clary -


Nightmare fuel -


For those of you who want to watch along with me, here is the Youtube link, uploaded by LisaGlitters - LINK!

We begin with Evil Zippy, AKA 'The Yellow Dwarf', performing the most terrifying of rituals - poetry. Then the good guy, 'Fairy George', comes along and fucks Zippy's shit up by doing a rhyme about flowers or kittens or something. It's like the world's worst rap battle -


Next up we have Rod Jane and Freddy - after all, no Rainbow special would be complete without them. Jane appears to be wearing a bottle of Heinz tomato sauce -


So - some musical twiddling, and then stupid hairy Bungle Bonce crashes into the set on a tricycle. We would do better not to enquire as to why this is so. I think it's in the script, but you never know with Bungle.

Here is 'Dame Bungle', AKA Geoffrey's mother -


Rod Jane and Freddy proceed to take the piss out of her appearance for a bit, then bugger off somewhere, leaving Bungle to look for her son -


Bungle and Geoffrey keep missing each other, prompting Bungle to ask the viewers at home for help. She finaly collars her wayward son, only for him to nick her bike.

Back to Evil Zippy, who reveals his plan to steal all the colour from the world. If Zippy hates colour so much, maybe Rainbow wasn't the best choice of show for him to star in? Anyway, through magic and reasons, he manages to make the world completely greyscale -


That is, apart from the rainbow outside, which will be important later, and for some reason Geoffrey and Bungle themselves, but I don't think we're supposed to mention that. Sssssssshhhhhhh.

Bungle and Geoffrey are really pissed off that someone has nicked their colour, as they were planning to watch the test card on TV later, and now that won't be any fun.

Then, for reasons known only to Geoffrey, he works out that all the colour must now be in the rainbow, and that he'll somehow be able to get it back from there.


This new found determination/lunacy prompts a visit from Fairy George, rap battle runner up extrordinaire -

 
George brings with him a fresh supply of magic and reasons, and sends Geoffrey off to the land of red, to get some red.

This is where the nightmare fuel comes in -


Rainbow - inspiring terror since 1972.

Geoffrey's sojourn in hell works, and the red is returned to the house. Now Geoffrey must go score some orange, helped by Isaac Newton on a space hopper -


Isaac Newton also warns Geoffrey not to upset the Yellow Dwarf (Evil Zippy). This is unfortunate, because the very next thing Geoffrey has to do is find some yellow. This time he isn't transported to a weird yellow world. Instead, Evil Zippy rocks up in his kitchen, and recites a rather creepy poem -

"Not so fast, Geoffrey Hayes,

Out of this are many ways,

But not for you, my charming fellow,

For here you'll stay, and become quite yellow!”

Is it bad that I just wrote that whole thing from memory?

Anyway, Geoffrey tries to catch the Yellow Dwarf without success. When Geoffrey is good and knackered, Zippy relents and says he can have his yellow back if he'll sing the special rainbow song. But look out Geoffrey, it's a trap! As soon as he attempts to sing the song, Zippy gets pissed off and magics his voice away! Now Geoffrey is well and truly fucked.

Fortunately, Fairy George chooses that moment to reappear, and has brought with him enough magic and reasons for everyone. It transpires that if the kids at home can sing the rainbow song for Geoffrey, then he'll get his voice back, along with all the yellow he could ever want. The viewers are helped by Geoffrey pointing to the words of the song in picture form -


Next up - Green. Geoffrey finds himself at Center Parcs, accompanied by the Green Princess (a cross between Jane and the Jolly Green Giant) -


She sings him a song, and he falls asleep, and somehow that gets the green back.

When Geoffrey wakes up, he is no longer at Center Parcs, but at the North Pole, shivering his tits off -


Then the blue dude rocks up, looking for a hanky, which Geoffrey provides. There seems to be no way out of this one without enlisting the help of Fairy George. If Fairy George was so good, Geoffrey wouldn't have had to shout him in the first place.

Suddenly, Geoffrey is magically transported back into his kitchen, along with the blue guy and, inexplicably, orange guy and green woman as well -

 
What happens next is very clever - they manage to get round the problem of indigo and violet without having to shell out for any extra cast members. The blue guy melts, and we see that he's a bigger version of the yellow dwarf! And also Rod.


Then Evil Zippy appears again, and during the following conversation Rod and Zippy conveniently remember that they are actually father and son, and that Zippy's mother is called Indigo, and his sister is called Violet. Zippy declares that now he's found his Dad, he'll turn over a new leaf and help the poor and stuff. Absolutely nothing else is explained.

Fairy George crashes the party, and together the guys summon Dame Bungle. Why they needed to use magic to return her to her own house is beyond me. Also, we never learn where she's been this whole time, but we do get to see her knickers,
which I suppose is a bonus if you like that sort of thing.


We finish with a nice song about your dreams being at the end of the rainbow, and then everyone must say goodbye and go back to dull reality, boooo.

Fun facts about this episode -

1. Geoffrey and Bungle wrote the script (really - watch the credits).
2. I have seen this episode 16,597 times.
3. Geoffrey isn't really 10 years old, but uses special prosthetics to achieve this effect.