Jesus Mary and Joseph! And Bungle.

Happy Christmas! Or, if you're a disgusting atheist like me, happy anniversary of Mary lying to Joseph about not being a slag ("God did it"? Good luck proving that on the Jeremy Kyle show). I bring festive tidings and a post about the Rainbow Nativity -

Coming up in this episode -

Poking the Virgin Mary -

Bungle wearing clothes! (of sorts) -

Rod with an ace glued on beard -

And so our epic saga begins. Geoffrey, of course, is the narrator, because none of the others can fucking read.

Also, I will apologise in advance for the terrible sound quality, but it's been surprisingly hard to find a video of this episode. Will be replaced as soon a possible. Please don't kill me.

Now, I don't need to give a blow by blow account of the plot here, because it's the most well known story in the world, possibly apart from anything involving those epic twats Edward and Bella. Mary cons Joseph into believing that, since she only cheated on him with God, it's all ok, and that he should still get his act together and provide for this baby. Joseph's point that, since God presumably has a lot of money, he should stump up some cash for the baby, goes largely unheard.

Jane and Freddy are Mary and Joseph, which is appropriate since they are boning in real life. And they apparently live in a barn, or on some noodles -

That isn't the ghost of Jane next to Jane by the way, that's just the ghost of VHS recording.

The big fat hairy Angel Gabriel appears, showing his holy and sacred bum. He proceeds to forget Jesus' name, and Mary has to whisper it to him, thus proving beyond all doubt that she is in cahoots with him and God. He should have just done what any good actor would have done, and made up another name. I mean, Mary and Joseph were hardly going to argue with him, were they? What with him being all holy and stuff.

"You must call him Reptar!"

So Mary's up the stick, blah blah blah. The couple have to go pay their taxes in Bethlehem. They weren't going to bother, but they know God's watching them now, and he might rat them out to the Inland Revenue. So off they go, on a rocking horse -

Joseph is happily derping along, but Mary is obviously looking at Joseph and thinking "I can't believe I married this moron." The selfish bitch doesn't even let him have a go on the rocking horse.

When they get to Bethlehem, it's really busy, what with it being Christmas.

Zippy, as usual, is the best character - THE INNKEEPER. He supplies the good and the holy of Bethlehem with booze -

After all the other Travelodges have told Mary and Joseph to fuck right off, they wind up at Chez Zippy. He's full too, but then he's full all year round because his is the only inn with strippers. However, Zippy is able to offer them a stable to sleep in. This should be absolutely fine for our pregnant pair because, as we know, they are used to sleeping on noodles at home.

You know how this bit goes. Mary fucks off to the stable to plop out her baby, which is some kind of tiny tears doll. Everything is lovely, Mary doesn't appear to have stretch marks or piles, or even to have got her vag out at any point. This truly is a magical tale.

Meanwhile, the big fat hairy Angel Gabriel is out looking for sycophants to come and ass kiss the happy couple, and bring him Pampers and stuff. First he finds three shepherds knocking about -

one of which is the Innkeeper, but we won't mention that, sssshhhhhhhh. Gabriungle bullies them into leaving their livelihoods and going to see some brat whose parents they've never met. THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN THESE DAYS...

Anyway, next Gabriungle buggers off to see the three kings, who look remarkably like the three shepherds -

but again, we won't mention that, ssshhhhhhh. All I will say is that it's going to be interesting when all six of them are together in the same stable.

The kings wend their way to the stable - ALL TOGETHER NOW -

We three kings of orient are

one in a taxi one in a car

one on a scooter, pipping his hooter

wearing a wonderbra...

OHHHHHHHHHHH... (etc)

The shepherds and kings all arrive at the same time, although the shepherds are never seen in the same shot as the three kings. But we won't mention that, ssshhhhhhhh. They all give the baby Jesus an Xbox and some Matalan vouchers, then we are treated to a lovely rendition of 'Ding dong merrily on high' by Rod Jane and Freddy wearing coats -

And that's very nearly the end, apart for some general Christmas dicking about in the Rainbow house, and Bungle not taking his costume off. He'll probably keep it on until he's required to play Rapunzel or something, and thus to wear a prettier dress.

And now I'm off to have my Christmas. This post is a bit early because now I shall be working until the 27th, after which I shall crash out and watch reruns of The Foster and Allen Christmas Show.