Getting your own way can sometimes suck

This episode is entitled "Getting your own way", which is a fine skill to teach the children at home. Presumably, if the show is ever revived, titles will have to be updated to things like "Hiding your stash". BUT, the twist here is that the story will show us how it isn't always good to get your own way! Aaaaahhhh! Bet you never saw that one coming! Those crafty folk in Rainbowtown.

Part one - the quest begins

The show opens with Zippy finishing a surprisingly good collage. At least, it's good when you compare it to previous collage efforts of the rainbow house -to previous collage efforts of the rai

With his creative lust satisfied, Zippy, who can't be unoccupied for more than eight seconds, begins to pester George and Bungle for an as yet unspecified "game". Hmm.
George, being an honorary woman, suggests Happy Families, but the more virile Zippy suggests Snakes And Ladders. At the climax of the debate, Zippy is about to give George a backhander for sassing him, but ultimately thinks better of it. Bungle, not appearing to swing either way (at least in terms of games), obviously has the final say. Zippy and George both attempt to curry favour by using that well known tactic - "behave like a dirty old man in the park".

Zippy - "I'll let you have a lick of my lollipop if we play snakes and ladders"

George - "would you like a sweetie Bungle?"

Bungle looks perturbed by all this, but not distressed enough to not be a sweetie whore, and the majority decides on Happy Families. Zippy, sensing defeat, puts down his obviously wooden lollipop. Enter Geoffrey looking very suave, and carrying a newspaper which he proceeds to place over a suspicious part of his anatomy. Really Geoffrey, I knew Jane gave you the horn, but George? You disappoint me.

Zippy manages to wangle a game of Snakes And Ladders after all, by sucking up to Geoffrey and telling him how good the S&L game he bought was, and "how much longer the snakes were". He prompts Bungle to agree and Bungle, obviously scared of getting no dinner from Geoffrey yet again, agrees that it's the best game known to man. Geoffrey agrees that they should play Snakes And Ladders, and when George protests, Zippy gives him a real backhander. Well, sort of, actually it's the most foppish backhander I've ever seen.

All the time this is going on, Bungle is inexplicably sorting through the Happy Families cards for no apparent reason, I suspect out of awkwardness, or perhaps a lack of scripted lines. This is interrupted by Geoffrey's order to "come on Bungle, get it out".

There follows a short Cosgrove Hall animation, featuring a boy with anger issues, and a girl with fat arms and a squeaky neck.

Cut back to the action. The gang are now playing the long awaited Snakes And Ladders game. Zippy lands on the biggest snake, and has to go all the way back to the start. Bungle, being socially inept, can't help pointing this out to Zippy and laughing. Go on Zippy, staple his buttocks to the chair, you know you want to.

Bungle throws a four, but he's crafty and picks the dice up before anyone else can see it, so for all we know he threw a one. Cheating bollock face.

After losing, Zippy insists that Happy Families is better. Everyone groans "Oh Zippy!" in unison, including Geoffrey, who wasn't even in the room when Zippy expressed his hatred for Happy Families.

Part two - the hero's journey

We now join the trio in a game of Happy Families, and we see why Zippy thinks it's so shit. However, this is merely the calm before the storm. Things really hot up when Rod, Jane and Freddy arrive, apparently from the kitchen. Rod and Freddy, being men (mostly), want to watch the football with Geoffrey. Jane meanwhile, being a woman, wants to watch a cookery show. On Geoffrey's TV. When cold hearted Geoffrey denies Jane this harmless request, she simply states "Fine, I'll go watch it on my own TV then!" Um, ok then, groovy.

Geoffrey kicks Bungle, George and Zippy out of the house while he, Rod and Freddy all try their hardest to be alpha males for the afternoon, bless. Note Geoffrey's enthusiastic "come on the lads", while waving his crotch at the TV. Apart from that they're boring, so we head to the garden to find Bungle George and Zippy being equally boring. And a hobby horse dies.

Suddenly, Nurse Gladys Emmanuel appears in the garden. I nearly stopped this review here since this was such an awesome turn of events that will never be surpassed. But I know you're all dying to find out what happens.

Nurse Gladys Emmanuel reads a story about a bossy cat, which teaches you that sometimes you should humour mice, or something.

The alpha males come outside, lamenting that their team is utter fucking shite (I'm paraphrasing). And what's worse, they've missed the story! Three men in their late 30s have missed the story.

Jane turns up, having carried a tray of drinks right from her house, which might very well be in Manchester, I don't know.

And then a rather abrupt ending, possibly so the alpha males don't have to carry on admitting being wrong wrong wrong. Yeah Geoffrey, if you're caught out, just end the show, you coward.

Author's note - it should be pointed out that, although I am always spewing hate at Geoffrey, he is in fact my hero. It is the law that Geoffrey is seen as brilliant by all.

Deck the halls with balls n stuff

Since it's November, and therefore apparently Christmas, I figured I'd start off by writing about the undisputed champion of festive Rainbow episodes - "Wrapping and unwrapping". I once made my parents watch this episode 11 times in a row - their own silly fault for buying me the video.

Quick bit of background for those who have never seen this gem of a show, either because you haven't yet hit puberty, or you spent your entire life with your head in a bucket -

Shown on ITV from 1972 to 1992. Basic plot was this - Geoffrey Hayes, a stud of a man in bright dungarees (and wearing a permanently exasperated expression, with good reason), lived in the Rainbow house with Zippy, George and Bungle. No one knows where the Rainbow house was, but I'd guess at somewhere posh down south going by their accents. The official line is that they were all "just good friends", but who knows? Maybe Geoffrey had sex with a really ugly woman and then got custody?

Every week in the Rainbow house another hard hitting topic was tackled, and eventually resolved. I don't kid, over the years, Rainbow has been known to find the meaning of life, the solution to world peace, the cure for the common cold, and the best way to organise your jigsaws (put them in labelled boxes of course!)

Frequent visitors to the house included Rod Jane and Freddy, who usually got punched for singing about everyone's personal problems, Dawn Boden, the next door neighbour (Come on Geoffrey, we all know what you two were doing together in the shed), and Chrisopher Lillicrap (still doing songs but marginally better looking than Rod Jane Freddy so he never got beaten up, although he did get paint thrown over him once, but that was just Bungle being a twat)

I will give each of the characters their own profile later on, they all have far too many mental problems to fit into a few lines.

And now to the action with the thrilling part one!

We join the Rainbow gang as they are all covered in tinsel and, thanks to his peculiar position on the ladder, from a certain angle you can see Geoffrey's bum (should you want to, I mean I don't, that's just wrong).

Note - while we're on the subject of Geoffrey's bum, check out what comes next - Bungle expressing his feverish love for Christmas, while Geoffrey appears to be giving him an anal themed lap dance from the ladder. A minute later Bungle admonishes Zippy for being greedy, and all the time the perverted bear has his face still thrust in his adopted father's rear end.

Things soon take a more serious and sombre turn, as the gang realise they have forgotten their estranged Auntie Elsie in New Zealand. If they don't get those presents to her in time, then she will have nothing on Christmas day, and will sit all alone, weeping into a can of beans before slitting her wrists with the jagged tin lid.

When the presents are revealed, it becomes apparent that they probably should have just left her to her can of beans; they are the most pathetic presents ever. Firstly some bedsocks that imply she's morbidly obese and has to be lifted by crane to the toilet, some pretty nondescript hankies, a second hand box of chocolates, and a glass 'thing', whatever it is.

Where the hell did Bungle get those bedsocks?

There is a brief interlude featuring an animation of the Loch Ness monster, which obviously has everything to do with Christmas.

Back to the cut and thrust, and the present wrapping is underway. Geoffrey orders George to get some sellotape from the dispenser, despite George only having one arm. He ends up taping his entire face up, while Geoffrey gets annoyed, Zippy laughs, and Bungle just stands there like a pillock.

A quick lesson on how to wrap presents pretty poorly, followed by writing labels. Notice that Bungle "isn't very good at writing yet", yet in other episodes he is left alone to look after Zippy and George, while Geoffrey's out gallivanting. Tut tut.

Part two!

Another Christmassy animation, this time from the Red Arrows, then the gang wrap Geoffrey's glass 'whatever the fuck it is' (my boyfriend thought it was a bong for some fucking reason). Bungle ends up with the labels stuck to his arse, yet Geoffrey still insists on using them, even though they're now covered in hair from Bungle's arse crack.

Next we go spy on Rod Jane and Freddy during their carolling expedition. It's handy for them that they seem to have brought along an entire studio, complete with vocal effects and an editing suite, not to mention a full band. That's value for money. Even though they're supposed to be best friends with the occupants of the Rainbow house, notice how they leave them standing in the snow for absolutely bloody ages, and even at the end of the song they don't invite them in, they just appear on the doorstep with what looks like mugs of battery acid. In fact they don't even bother staying until the end of the song, they just bugger off back inside. I don't really blame Bungle, given that he's naked. I'm just bitter because Rod Jane and Freddy never turned up outside my house, but I'll never stop hoping.

Now we get to my favourite part of this episode - writing Auntie Elsie's address on the parcel. Please observe that her full address is simply "Green Street, New Zealand". Do they actually not want the parcel to get there or something? And after all that trouble too.

Jane pops in, evidently the only one to have forgiven them for the carolling snub. Geoffrey cajoles her into babysitting while he goes to the pub, er, the post office. He is soon back with chips, having forgotten to feed his young wards earlier, only to find Jane has buggered off. Obviously the whole thing was revenge.

Equilibrium is restored soon, however, as we find all seven playing a jolly game of pass the parcel. George decides to cheat by guilt tripping Geoffrey into stopping the music when it's his turn, thus winning a crappy snow globe filled with LSD.

At the end, Geoffrey retrospectively hopes that Auntie Elsie got her presents on time. One, you don't care, you couldn't even be bothered to write the whole address, and two, you obviously never phoned her to check. You inconsiderate sod.