Night Out. In a cardboard box. With a man in a bear suit.

I haven't written about an episode of Rainbow in what feels like forever, which is quite a long time. So today I decided that, difficult and onerous as it was, I would spend my hard earned time watching Rainbow and then dicking about on the internet. Mine is a hard life indeed.

Today's episode is entitled "Night Out", in which the gang spend the evening in the Coach and Horses, followed by a kebab and a carrier bag full of sick.

Do they? Do they really? Well let's find out in part one -

The episode opens with the best, and most loaded, opening lines in history -

"Ooh go on Geoffrey, it will be fun!"

"Yes go on Geoffrey, you'll enjoy it!"

Immediately the reader is intrigued. Just what is Geoffrey being bullied into? Anal sex? Trying heroin for the first time? Going down the casino and putting everything on red?

Erm, no. "Let us sleep in the garden tonight like three hairy tramps please Geoffrey."

Geoffrey is hesitant to let them camp out, because he has to stay in and wait for "the man". Don't we all?

Zippy, meanwhile, is so excited he smacks the washing up liquid off the table. No one notices this, least of all the director. Zippy then sings "Home on the range". I love Zippy.

Hang on. Hang the fuck on. Geoffrey can't camp out tonight because he's waiting in for a delivery? Just what time is he expecting this delivery? Midnight?

Zippy, rather sensibly, points out that "you can't go camping in a house." No, because camping overnight in a house is called 'going to bed'.

Oh look, the washing up liquid's back. They use 'Mansion' washing up liquid. Jus' putting that out there.

We cut to later, and the gang are erecting their tent. It's actually quite a good tent considering (considering they're morons) -

Of course, Bungle manages to break the tent. How the FUCK does Bungle manage to break this tent? He must have pulled the washing line completely down. I don't know whose fault that is, but it's definitely not mine. Oh I see. Bungle did it on purpose just so he could be proved right. Fuck you Bungle, FUCK YOU!

Ha ha, Geoffrey ends up blaming Bungle anyway. Also, it looks like "the man" has been, judging by the boxes.

I'm just curious. Which one of these is the washing machine, and which one is the dryer?

Because one of these boxes obviously contained a fridge.

Bungle declares he wants to live in the boxes. So, you couldn't fit in the tent that was twice the size of these boxes, but now you want to squeeze into one of these boxes and spend the night there, accompanied by two friends? do you know something about spacetime that we don't?

Bungle wees himself with excitement over the boxes. "This could be the door!" (pointing at a box flap). "Or this!" (pointing at an entire box). What? Oh Bungle, your insanity never fails to amuse me.

George, however, surpasses even Bungle's level of insanity. His idea of building a temporary, weather-proof abode is to "put the little box on top of the big box." How will that help? Just...what? Mercifully, we are interrupted by an animation of a cat that turns into a dragon, which is less disturbing than the plot.

Part two!

Ok, how the hell did Bungle manage to make that

massive box using those two boxes of very different sizes?

"What else do we need?" "Ooh, some blankets...like these!" Well bungle, I would suggest using blankets like those, yes, but not ones that have been sat on the wheelie bin for months.

Apples are not food. They are plants. Zippy has the right idea.

Zippy is also right when he says "We don't need a torch!" This is because (Spolier alert!) They will be back while it's still bloody light.

"We have to be self-deficient." Ironically, he is so right.

Geoffrey says goodnight, and notice that it's about three in the afternoon.

Zippy has the idea of singing a song "around the campfire." This is a beautiful sentiment, and encapsulated everything that is glorious and spiritually enriching about spending time with nature, underneath the stars. unfortunately, Bungle fucking ruins it, so the gang end up singing around the...space.

"HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE...."

Notice that when the three are singing it is Roy Skelton doing the voices for both Zippy and George, at the same time. The man was a vocal genius.

I notice the box tent has become even bigger.

The three argue about space and habits. It's like they're used to having their own space, and have never ever shared a bed before. Also, Bungle feels a sharp pain beneath the covers and swiftly berates Zippy for sticking his hand in places where it doesn't belong. Or for eating biscuits. Whichever's more interesting. It's like a 'choose your own adventure' book. I know which one I'd choose.

Oh my god, an owl is about to kill them to death! And they don't even have a torch, so they can't even see their own death clearly!

Something's coming! Is it a tiger? No! It's........Geoffrey! I'd almost rather have had the tiger. Geoffrey is as orange as one in this episode though.

"Here's the story book...under the sheets...hang on, just let the producer pass it up to us..."

Bungle reads a story about the whispering trees, which also appears in an episode entitled (amazingly) - "Whispers". Since "Whispers" was one of my favourite episodes as a kid, I'm sure I'll be writing about this story in the future. Suffice to say, it;s about some trees that whisper.

Note - it is definitely morning now. It's light (it's not the torch, the sunlight is streaming in through the 'window'), and the birds are singing. Keep that in mind.

The gang go inside to get Geoffrey his breakfast, only to find that Geoffrey didn't go to bed last night - he went out with "the man" and is now fixing himself some Alka Seltzer -

I love that they intended to make breakfast for Geoffrey, but instead end up saying "I'm starving, I'll have some cornflakes please".

Were you fooled? I know I was. IT'S NOT MORNING AT ALL! HAHAHAHA etc. It's half 7 at night, time for Geoffrey to go to bed (before he begins his new life at the convent the next day). the gang are really disappointed, not to mention about to pass out from hunger after having spent three weeks in the wilderness with no food or water.

They haven't been out half an hour. This whole fucking episode hasn't taken half an hour.

Why is Geoffrey being a bastard to them on purpose? He does this sometimes, I notice.

Luckily he was joking all along, and he soon reveals this. Look at his pleased face -

FIN.

PS I have no idea why these posts keep changing size/font/alignment halfway though. I'm no good with things like this. Rest assured, if I tried to fix it it would end up ten times worse.

Don't Do That - A farting spider

Stoppit and Tidyup -one of my favourite shows. Particularly fun to watch as an adult, and a pissed adult at that. Sponsored by the 'Keep Britain Tidy' campaign of the 80s (It might still be around now only no one gives a shit), and narrated by Lord Sir Terry Wogan Ba Ma PhD OBE CBE WTF LMFAO.

A bunch of monsters live in a place somewhere (the land of do-as-you're-told) and each monster is the focus of one episode. The episode focuses on that character's particular quirk. For example Comb Your Hair can't see where he's going because of his fringe (and he's a cow, for some reason. I like cows.), Brush Your Teeth is extra good at everything because he has good dental hygiene, and Go And Play...well...he has the quirk of being like a 40

year old pedophile just sitting there waiting for his trap to lure someone in -

Now then. if you are my age and don't remember the 'And here's all their friends...' character parade, then remind me to send you a "Good luck with your operation" card. Oh wait, you can't remind me, can you.

Anyway, when the parade is finished (ie when the opening titles are finished), notice we're already A QUARTER of the way in. I'm not sure what emotion this brings out in me, other than mild confusion.

Today we meet 'Don't Do That!' -

I picked Don't Do That because, let's face it, if there ever was a name to spawn innuendo, it's Don't Do That! One can imagine him being told to stop doing things like poking his dick through the hole in the cubicle wall, or rubbing up against a mannequin in a shop window. I guess this would have made more sense with the character called 'Stoppit'. But, you know, it's the way Wogan cried "Don't do that!" - like he was reading the script, then all of a sudden one of the producers came over and started trying to cop a feel. Wogan almost sounds genuinely afraid. As we all know, there is nothing funnier than Terry Wogan when he's being harassed by a sex pest.

So, the episode. Don't Do That is a kind of farting spider thing that gets stuck under stuff. What it is he's not supposed to do is a bit beyond me for the time being. All he does is move about, taking whoever happens to be sitting on him for a ride, which really isn't his fault. The episode should be called "Don't listen to him, he's the one sat on you." Like Terry Wogan's producer.

See? All he's doing is being under a tin. I guess the lesson for today is - Don't be under a tin.

I do like Tidyup. I shouldn't - he should be too much like stupid Soo/Mary Whitehouse - all houseproud and he irons his knickers. But no. He's so nice, and he's always getting metaphorically crapped on by people without a word of complaint.

Anyway, back to the farting spider thing. Look here, if anyone's a bitch in this episode, it's Stoppit. He can be a right little bastard at times. He has issues.

"His plan was to..." To what? To just stand there and keep getting hit on the head with stuff?

Oh wait, that was his plan. Well played sir.

I feel truly terrible now - both for Tidyup, whose picnic table has been smashed, and for Don't Do That, who has now cowered back into his shell. He wasn't doing anything wrong, he was just farting a bit.

As you may have predicted though, there is a happy ending to this tale. Don't Do That goes back home, taking an unwilling Stoppit back with him (kidnapping - always a happy ending), and Tidyup gets to use the tree stump Stoppit just cut down as a picnic table! Hurrah!

Although, can you cut down a tree stump? i'm not sure what the correct phrasing of that is.

I am nothing if not a massive procrastinator...

So, as you will have gathered, the Christmas review didn't happen. This is for several reasons -

1. I am lazy.

2. I've had a million and one offline things to do lately, that have generally involved getting things spilled on me by kids, or writing thousands and thousands of words about why the world doesn't exist if you put a bracket or a speech mark in the wrong place. Google 'Quine, and why he is mental and/or a bellend', or something of the kind, for this to make sense.

3. I am lazy.

4. Been getting over the final throes of depression. I've just come off Prozac after about two years of having no emotions whatsoever, and things are pretty good, touch wood. I'm hitting the gym and writing more, which hopefully will start to filter down into this blog now.

5. I didn't think I had any readers, so I didn't see the urgency of writing something that only I was going to read, because I already knew what I was going to say, so it didn't count. But now I find I have tripled my readership! I'm still going to crap on about continuity errors in Rainbow though.

6. I am lazy.

I guess it's a bit late for the Christmas review. Shame, because I'm sure it would have been the best thing anyone ever wrote.

forgive me, and watch this space.

My favourite theme tunes

Good evening. I wrote most of this post while I was queuing for a lecture today. The rest of it was written ten minutes into said lecture when I looked at the lecturer and thought 'I don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about'. Since that made me feel inadequate and I needed to go to my happy place, I decided to go back and finish mooning over some musical slices of my childhood.

1. Maid Marian and her Merry Men -

Although this song came at the end of the episode rather than the beginning, it's still the theme tune because A) the beginning didn't really have music as such, B) everyone knows this word for word, and C) it's fucking awesome. What makes it so fab is the simple, 4 or 5 note melody that makes it easy to remember. Also, it always follows something brilliant happening, usually involving the Sheriff of Nottingham getting covered in mud. Plus, the show was set in Worksop, 5 miles from where I grew up. Thus, this song was performed every morning by the class at my school, in lieu of hymns or a pledge of allegiance. I may or may not be lying.

2. The Family Ness - "You'll never find a Nessie in the zoo" -

I realise this is another closing theme, but I have good reasons for choosing it. While its counterpart at the beginning is equally catchy and well written, the closing song is the one I'm really in love with. Especially the above, which is the full length version that appears at the end of the last episode. It's heartwarming and cheery all in one, and I love it. Since, by this time, the audience has come to know and love the Nessies so much, it's great to know they'll always get one over on people trying to Poach them for Chester Zoo, Disneyland or similar. That means they'll never have to spend their days cooped up in front of a load of snotty kids throwing McPeanuts at them out of boredom. My favourite part is at 0:33, where the Nessies are all doing the 'Fuck you Mr Zookeeper' dance.

3. Around the world with Willy Fog -

I have become a recent convert to this show, despite my previous scathing attack (half arsed rambling). One of the main reasons for this sudden change of heart is that BLOODY theme tune! Addictive is not the word - it is the crack cocaine of the 80s cartoon theme tune world. To give you some reference point, Clangers or Bagpuss might be considered as being Horlicks - dreamy, comforting and sweet. This song, on the other hand, where do I start? Oh sure, you might be immune the first time you hear it but trust me, you won't be left in peace for long. Just how is any mortal supposed to resist a tune that takes 'jaunty' to a level never before experienced by man, woman or lion? Then there is Fog's singing voice, which we have all tried to replicate after a few drinks. And when I say we, I mean me.

4. Count Duckula -

A dark horse in the line up here, one that many might pass over in favour of its more famous cousin, Dangermouse. I, however, do not like to run with the herd. Of course I already have a soft spot for this show for several reasons. Firstly, it was created by Cosgrove Hall (of 'Lines and Shapes' fame). Secondly, it combines two of my favourite things in the world - vampires and ducks. So, even if this theme tune was shit I'd still love it. But shit it is not; ace it is. This song just screams '80s power rock' at you - so much so that it could have been performed by Meat Loaf, and probably was, one night in a karaoke bar somewhere.

A slow, creepy build up, followed by the obligatory snappy drum intro, then wallop - straight into big hair, high notes and power chords. Love it.

5. Pokemon (U.S. version)

Possibly an entry that doesn't quite fit in with the rest of this list - in fact, I only discovered the Pokemon cartoons a couple of years ago, but have been working my way through them with rapt adoration ever since. The show is one of those rare treats that come around every so often. From a distance it might strike you as another shouting, epilepsy inducing cartoon for hyperactive 10 year old boys, but dig deeper and it becomes charming, slightly insane and hilariously funny, not to mention it has characters you care about and a plot you want to follow.

So, the theme tune. Why is it on my list? I'm just going to put my hands up on this one and say pure-damn-catchiness. Plus when you hear it, you know an episode of Pokemon is about to start, which is a 10 on the 'fuck you, I may be 28 but I'm cool' scale.

Honourable mention - Chorlton and the Wheelies

Do not - I repeat - do not accidentally listen to this theme tune when you are having sex, or are about to have sex. It happened to me and an old boyfriend. We were getting down to it one night, and I'd left a random 80s cartoons DVD playing. All of a sudden an entire orchestra of Carry On style whistles and springs piped up. Needless to say, our ardour was replaced by fits of giggles. A million times better than a cold shower, but we still laugh about it now. Those were the days.

Scotch-ness, drunken-ness and ginger-ness

Time to cover another obscure show, and this time it's that staple of a very narrow slice of every 80s childhood - The Family Ness. Created by Peter Maddocks, also of Penny Crayon (drunken hen night Su Pollard) fame, the first episode is entitled "Elspeth and Angus meet the Loch Ness Monster." This shouldn't come as too much of a surprise given the premise of the show - a family of Loch Ness monsters and the kids who meet them. Who are called Elspeth and Angus. And that's pretty much it. All sorts of hilarious-ness ensues.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then we shall begin.

Our Scotch story begins with Mr McToot shouting at his kids, or something. Mr McToot is actually purple. Not David Dickinson purple - proper Victoria Plum, Monster Munch, Ribena purple. Not only that, but he appears to be current defending champion of the annual "How many Scottish stereotypes can you fit into one person" competition. To defend his title, all he needs to do now is to shout "There's a moose loose aboot this hoose!" possibly with or without being on heroin.

The children run off to play on a hill that has just appeared out of nowhere, although they don't seem to notice that. What they do notice is that the hill is alive - not in a "Sound of Music" way, more of a "Oh well done, you just jumped on a huge plesiosaur and have probably killed it, I hope you're proud of yourself" kind of way. As a result, the Nessie inexplicably manages to turn round in the hole so its legs are now waving about.

"Come on Elspeth, let's try to pull it out!" Snigger. Sometimes I wish I was a real grown up.

Elspeth climbs up it and slides down its tail. Exactly how is treating the thing like a goddamn Wacky Warehouse going to help?

Another Nessie turns up, while the first Nessie is still stuck with its arse in the air. this new Nessie is the aptly names Ferocious-ness. I'm not so sure about ferocious, but it certainly does look a bit miffed - I would say roughly the level of ire found when someone drops a clean spoon on the kitchen floor and has to wash it again. Also, rather than being really ferocious and eating the kids, Ferocious-ness just points at them a bit.

Right, let's just have a quick recap here shall we? Elspeth and Angus - you now have indisputable proof of the existence of the Loch Ness Monster. more than that, you're actually seeing it with your own four eyes. More than that, you're seeing the monster's shit-scary older brother. More than that, he speaks! English! At no point are these kids anything other than entirely nonplussed at these events, and for this I take my tartan hat off to them.

The queen Nessie appears. Is it just me or does the queen Nessie sound an awful lot like a flummoxed Professor McGonagall? You can jus

t hear this one saying "Faaaaiiiive pooints too Gryffindoooor!"

Now there's one wearing a swimming costume. What.

At 2:58 I could have sworn some of them had their tits out, but unfortunately I was wrong -

You should never have to save a picture to your PC entitled "Nessie Tits".

By the way, absolutely no one else is noticing all this

going on. Oh wait, i stand corrected, that tractor man has seen them now.

Ok, so, they all pull the stupid one out of the hole, hurrah! Crisis averted. As a reward, the queen gives Elspeth and Angus magic whistle things that can be used to call the Nessies whenever they're in trouble/need a pic for the tabloids. The kids have a celebratory weeee -

Meanwhile, tractor man has gone to the police station to, what? Get the Loch Ness Monster arrested? What exactly is he hoping to achieve by telling the police? Luckily the cop on duty doesn't believe him. As he points to the calendar, we see it's APRIL FOOLS DAY! D'oh! Wait, hang on a minute, so the cop doesn't believe him because it's April 1st? Or are we not meant to believe anything that happened in the entire episode because it's April 1st? Which is it?

This conundrum brings us to the end of the first exciting episode. Stick around for the closing tune, because you'll never see a Nessie in the zoo. Even if you, erm, knock it and rock it and stuff.

Frozen Udders on Button Moon

I realise that every time I say I'm going to update this blog regularly because I'm happy, something inevitably comes around to fuck my shit up. So I shall make no promises this time, except that one day I will get my Jerry Beads. Anyway.

Today's show is "Cold Cows on Button Moon". Now, as you know, I effing love cows, so this should be a cinch for me right? Wrong. There aren't any actual cows in it for ages, although Rag Doll is a bit of a metaphorical cow. So, here we go!

The moon is so cold that Mr Spoon's bollocks have fallen off! Also, it is so cold that the moon has turned blue! This is exciting, because as we know, this even only happens, well, once in a blue moon. Really, all it means is that there's a different colour button today.

It's cold is pretty much what I'm trying to say. We find the Spoon family dressed like refugees, and drinking mugs of soup even though they have no mouths.

Check out the 80s phone in the spaceship. I do love that phone.

Back to the plot - "Tina wonders who they're going to see on Button Moon." If you cast your minds back to five seconds ago, we saw the ENTIRETY of Button Moon, and there was no one on it. So my guess is no one. You whore.

"Tina thinks the snow looks like pieces of white tissue paper." Maybe because it is?

They all just go back into the spaceship. What a waste of time.

Now we're looking through the telescope at Earth. So. Instead of just staying on Earth and looking at things with your eyes, you decide to be an intergalactic peeping tom? Can't argue with that.

What are they going to see? My guess is some cows. Some cold cows. Just a hunch.

Oh lordy we're in the jungle! And there's a...jungle mouse? What?

Look out mouse, there's a pelican crossing! HA!

Sorry, Lorna the hippo? I happen to have a friend called Lorna who makes me look like a big swamp monster, and I don't think she would take very kindly to a hippo being named in her honour. Oh well, what can I do about it? i'm not the boss of Button Moon.

Wait, and now Lorna the hippo is making sex noises? Eew.

Oh dear, Pelican is in Lorna's spot. Why doesn't she just wash herself in a flower? Or why not just bugger off? Also, why does the hippo have a name and the pelican doesn't? The pelican being called Pelican is like me being called Human. Sort of.

Oh god, now the pelican is doing sex noises - apparently because of a banana on a string.

A crocodile arrives. He says "Oh yeah baby, there's enough room for both of us, why don't you and your curves slip in beside me and get all dirty?" (cue Barry White music)

Oh, and apparently that's the end of that. The crocodile isn't going to try anything on with the hippo. Or kill her as nature intended.

Back to the rocket.

We move to Candlewick field, and, oh here we go - perverted farmer Teddy! he is just constantly getting off on everything, my god. Even hay.

Wait a second - the whistle is frozen up, so he just half heartedly says "toot toot!" Yeah, like that'll work. Please refer to my post on "Daddy Egbert's ding a ling" to see why making stupid noises in place of commercial machinery does not work.

YES! COWS! I like cows. It briefly occurred to me that I could make these very same cows out of rubbish I saved, but then I thought no, I'm nearly 30 with responsibilities. Then I cried a bit.

Even though Ragdoll is making uncalled for sex noises, I love her again. She brought the cows some wellies. Ours is a love-hate relationship.

Note the uncontrollable shaking and hysterical laughter when she mentions pervy farmer teddy.

Perv Teddy is on his way top Candlewick Field. Just as soon as the producer can push the train there. Hahahaha at the Rainbow book as a tunnel - they really did have a budget of 33p.

It must be noted that I don't really really think that Freddy Teddy is a perv, just that he is hopelessly in love with RagDoll, and is frustrated as a result. Thus, everything he says sounds like a come on.

Hey, what? Are they getting hay from the previously barren Button Moon to take to the cows? Who apparently have no hay on EARTH? What.

(I was going to write something there, but then I needed to go for a wee and my train of thought was lost.)

Obligatory shot of cows for pure awesomeness, while the Spoon family climb into the fucking tardis.

Anyway - RagDoll is kind of quiet and staring off into the distance after her accident. I'll let you draw your own conclusions from that. Although she does edge closer to Perv teddy towards the end, the big tease.

Aww. End.

Willy Fog - Carry on up the Khyber in animal form

I've been asked to review Around the world with Willy Fog by up to half of my two readers. I know I used to watch it as a kid, but my memory of the show was very sketchy, so I did a little bit of research before I watched an entire episode. To this end, I visited the show's Wikipedia page, with startling results. Now, I might not remember minor details, but I do remember that it was animals in suits ripping off Jules Verne's idea. This, evidently, isn't obvious enough for the folks at Wikipedia, since there is an entire section of the article devoted to "Differences from the novel". Sorry, what? Excuse me, isn't the only difference that really matters the fact that in the show they are all giant animals in costumes? Somehow, this detail manages to slip through the net.

Anyway, the show itself is pretty self explanatory - Willy Fog, the protagonist, is travelling round the world in - yes, you guessed it - 80 days. All sorts of hilarity ensues. Maybe.

I decided to dive straight in with episode 19 - "The Stampede". Since I haven't seen the episodes leading up to this one, I'm going to give a rundown of what I think has probably happened so far-

Fog and his cronies are on the run from the law for unlawfully impersonating people (really badly, I might add), and have decided that, if they can stay out of the country for 80 days, then there is a loophole in the law that will turn them into non UK citizens, thus protecting them from the force of UK law. So far they've spent a week in Benidorm, but they didn't like the food, so they moved to Las Vegas and lost all their money, which is why they're now having to use public transport. I'm 99% sure I've got this synopsis exactly right.

So - here we go with Episode 19 - The Stampede -

I rather like the opening line of the song - "Fuck! I'm the one who made the bet!" Did he make a bet in the pub or something, and has only just remembered?

Also, Fuck is the only one whose singing you can understand. The others are all incoherent, which is hardly surprising since they're all FOREIGNERS!!!!!

Apart from that, nothing at all happens in this opening sequence, apart from "Around the world, around the world, world around the, the world around, around the world, world the around, around the world" x 3400. I'm not sorry when it finishes.

We start with some Etonian toffs playing billiards, and talking about Fog (the protagonist I assume, not the weather type). I almost switch off at this point, before they all turn into Boris Johnson. Luckily we soon cut to Fuck, I mean Fog, and the action. Oh, but before we do, there's a brilliant goat in a wheelchair called Lord Guinness. I wish the show had been about him instead.

Right. The actual storyline begins. They're all on a train. I'm sort of following this so far. The French one and the Italian one are entertaining the others with a song. Are we really expected to believe that this is them singing? They were squeaky animals with heavy European accents a minute ago, and now they've suddenly both turned into Donovan?

Anyway. It turns out they're in America somewhere, which is confirmed beyond all doubt when they meet an American bear in a top hat. Let me see. Fat? Check. Obnoxious? Check. Assumes everyone knows everything about America? Check. Yup, they've pretty much ticked all the boxes here. I bet his name is Wyatt Eagleburger.

I notice Willy Fuck hasn't actually done much yet, he just keeps chipping in occasionally, sounding a bit like James Mason.

I know these guys sat listening in to them, they're the police I think. I know this because A) I watched 5 minutes of another episode, and B) they're Cockney dogs. When Cockney dogs aren't playing snooker in paintings, they're upholding the law. Jus' the way it is.

The gang go off for dinner. God dammit, why does cartoon food always look so damn good? Anyway, the bear starts crapping on about some railway history, an I almost switch off again. Also, has that bear got a bottle of Jack Daniels all to himself?

A ha - some action! Oh wait no, it's just some cows crossing the road. Yawn. Oh wait, they might knock over the train! In fact, they're actually making a conscious effort to, with such malice in their eyes that I swear I won't feel guilty the next time I eat a steak. They estimate the stampede to last for the next 4 - 5 hours. using mathematics, I estimate that to be approximately 7.3 trillion buffalo.

Ooh, we finally get to see the baddie! Things should start to liven up a bit now! God i do hope so. So, the bad guy is trying to delay Willy Fuck's train. But why? For what purpose? OH, it's ok, it's all explained to us by a helpful narrator. I like that they feel the need to explain what he's doing there at all - probably because they know no one will remember anything from last week, as it's so ball-crushingly boring.

To make matters worse, it becomes clear that the show is also meant to be "educational". That explains why, approximately every 3 minutes, one of the characters pipes up with a lecture on the history of a mountain, or the composition of topsoil or something. if you want to educate kids, how about not telling them that the railway was invented by a bear?

And I'm only halfway through the episode. Kill me now. This show would be unbearable if it wasn't for that Italian animal thing jumping around and generally getting in everyone's faces.

But wait! An as yet unidentified baddie has sabotaged the bridge! Will they all die? probably not, otherwise this would be the last episode, and it wouldn't be called "The Stampede", it would be called "Cataclysmic Train Inferno". How I wish it had been.

Oh I see now, the random baddie is the bad fox wearing a mask. He truly is a master of disguise. It's confusing though. i mean, I'm having a hard time following this and I'm 27. Although, to be fair, I am also an idiot.

this is the first time in the episode that I am impressed with Willy Fuck. he just saunters over and announces that he's going to go and fix the bridge, just like that, and he's so bloody English about the whole thing - he's like "Oh yes, all we need to fix this bridge is TEA!" Also, who suddenly made him boss? Oh, that's right, bribes did. Of course.

Afterwards, he just saunters back up and announces that he's fixed the bridge. Why did they just take his word for it? Why wouldn't they even check?

It doesn't really matter though, because now it's a little bit exciting - will they manage to cross the bridge? I won't give the outcome away, but let's just say that afterwards, I was so excited I needed a wee. But here's a hint - yes they do cross the bridge.

Anyway, that's about it for this episode. we get a sneak preview of what's coming up in the next episode. Next week, they are attacked by Injuns! will I ever be able to cope without tuning in to find out what happens? Yes, I think it's safe to say I will.

A quick epilogue - I asked someone whether or not Willy fuck was gay, and he said -

"No, he's pounding the fuck out of the cat."

I'll leave you with that lovely thought.

Raggy Dolls - The Big Top

Good afternoon. Now that I am a happy little bonbon once again, I shall be turning out cartoon-related tripe with a lot more regularity.

Today's spouting is dedicated to The Raggy Dolls, a show that still manages to make me feel all warm and cosy, even as an adult (I use the word loosely). The Raggy Dolls was a series of cartoons about a gang of fucked up toys that go round the country having adventures, or something. Imagine the kind of toys that even Home Bargains would reject - that's these guys. Still, they teach us a valuable lesson about what's on the inside being more important than what's on the outside. They also teach us that, if you mangle your dolls beyond recognition, they will come back and fuck your shit up. Or maybe I just dreamed that last part.

Anyway, the show had a brilliant theme tune, sung by Neil Innes of "Urban Spaceman" fame. In it we are encouraged to "be like the Raggy Dolls, and not give a fuck about what people think of you". I like that message.

And now... THE BIG TOP!

When the episode begins, we're able to meet the whole gang in one go. They all have pretty obvious defects apart from Claude, the French doll, whose defect appears to be that he's French. Anyway, they're a pretty screwed up bunch as we can see, but they haven't been cast out of society altogether, not just yet anyway. They still have a home - the reject bin of the local factory. But I think it's a bit like living in a hostel - you have to be out of the place for most of the day, because their insurance doesn't cover you, or something. I think that's why the gang are all in the middle of a random field.

Incidentally, I once made my own version of a Raggy Doll -

Only problem is I think I ended up making her better than she was before, thus negating my original point.

So - back to the "action". Princess declares that it's fun looking at flowers, because flowers are different shapes. Christmas Day must be a riot in their house, I mean in their bin. Princess and Lucy then decide to make daisy chains, despite having no fingers. Meanwhile, Dotty is painting a picture of Sadsack, except Sadsack forgot to remove his butt plug before he left home, and is now awkwardly humping the ground as a result, like some sort of beige porn star.

Oh yeah, it's a thistle. Sure it is.

Claude, meanwhile, is stood around being all French.

Just then, the gang hear a stampede coming their way. At this point no one knows if it's some escaped cows, or whether a motorway is going to be built right over them. Sadly, it's neither. The noise scares Lucy so much that the narrator starts banging his spoon on the side of his coffee mug.

The noise the gang can hear is actually a circus, being transported by the swarthiest, dodgiest looking man in the world. Put it this way, you wouldn't leave your wallet or your daughter with him -

It's also a bit of a budget train - everyone else has to ride on top of the carriages. This is the LIDL of the travelling circus world.

An elephant appears out of nowhere and runs at the dolls. Claude exclaims "Quelle horreur!" which I think is French for "Oh holy fuck!" Sadsack comes to the conclusion that it must be an earthquake, despite looking right fucking at the fucking elephant.

Then three identical Grant Mitchell triplets kind of mince over to them. I think they might be holding hands as well.

"Quick, let's hide under what is obviously the circus tent; the circus people will never have any reason to go near this."

Predictably, the dolls end up stuck at the top of the, well, the big top. they look down and shit themselves/survey the view - cut to the most useless circus acts in the world getting some practise.

And a pink horse. The lions are pretty good though.

He's still banging that fucking spoon!

Suddenly, we are all expected to believe that Back-to-front (whose head is back to front, obviously), is adept at tightrope walking. Not only that, but adept at walking fucking backwards on a tightrope, while carrying his ladyfriends. None of the others do the sane, rational thing, which is to ignore him.

To everyone's surprise, he is actually marvelous at it. Showbiz let a gem slip through their fingers with him, I tell you.

While this is going on, we cut to a shot of the awesome lions again, just because.

Hi-Fi and Sadsack are getting sick of Back-to-front getting all the attention from the ladies, so they decide to do what any normal person would do - crash into him on a big fuck-off trapeze, sending them all hurtling to their deaths.

Also, instead of Back-to-front showing off, surely it would have been easier and quicker for everyone to go across on the trapeze? I mean, if that sack thing can do it, then everyone can.

Meanwhile, Claude is still stood there being French.

Anyway - oh no - the dolls are falling! It's fine though, they all have relatively soft landings, as opposed to all falling onto a bed of nails or something.

In the next scene I lose all the respect I previously had for the lions. This makes me quite sad. They had such promise. But I do gain a new found respect for Dotty, who turns out to be Chuck Norris or similar. While princess is sniveling "I think they're going to heat us up!" (does she mean 'eat'?), Dotty gets her Indiana Jones on and shows those lions who's boss. Only, while doing so she manages to sound like Chris Eubank, complete with a lisp that wasn't there before.

Meanwhile, Claude is still at the top of the tent, being French. To give him his credit, he does just stand around being all nonchalant and full of ennui at his predicament. I half expected him to start smoking a cigarette while singing a Jacques Brel song at this point.

Instead of just leaving the useless fuck there, the gang put a trampoline under him so he can jump. Claude cries "Viva la France!" before he jumps. By doing so, he automatically becomes my new favourite (secretly, he always was anyway).

The animals all applaud this feat, instead of just eating people and shitting on the floor like they usually do.

When the dolls finally get out of the tent, they are shocked beyond belief to see "a long line of people". Why? It's a circus, not an incinerator. Morons.

Sadsack closes the episode by making a joke, then telling the others about how he "made a joke", even though they were standing right next to him. The others just sort of stare at him for a bit, not really knowing what to say.

And then it ends. I think there was supposed to be some end credits here, but then maybe the animators just gave up at this point.

Rainbow - Jack and Jill

This episode is loved by all fans of the overt innuendo in Rainbow, as well as those who admire Geoffrey's ability to keep a straight face while filming (something Rod could never do).

I present to you - part one of an episode of pure filth -

We begin with Geoffrey being overly jovial as usual. I don't like the way he says "you", it sounds a bit menacing somehow.

We are launched straight into the action with no messing about. Zippy counts everyone in like a true professional (because Geoffrey can't count yet). We then get to witness the gang's rendition of "Jack and Jill", although to some people it might sound more like this -

Zippy suggests that Geoffrey and Bungle might like to pretend to be Jack and Jill, "because George and I have no legs/don't get paid enough/have no legs because we don't get paid enough to be able to afford legs."

Bungle gets waaaaay too excited over the prospect of wearing a "pretty hat". his voice goes up a couple of octaves, and he starts playing with his own nipples. Why does he never just eat everyone like bears are supposed to?

Geoffrey then declares that he needs a hat too. Why? What for? Why does Jack need a hat? He doesn't, that's why. Come to think of it, Jill doesn't need a hat either. But you should never try to take a hat away from an overexcited and fully grown bear.

Jack does need a pail though, which George quite rightly points

out. Luckily, there just "happens" to be a bucket in the corner of the living room. What? You don't have a bucket in the corner of your living room? You arse.

Before a pail is located, we are treated to a minute of Zippy being pure awesomeness, and, I swear he quacks at 1:34, so that's an added bonus.

So, we have the hats, we have the pail, we're all ready to go! Aren't we? No, we are not. Did you spot the error?

NO HILL!

Shit.

Zippy, as the voice of reason, points out that there aren't any hills indoors. Maybe not yet Zippy, but just you wait. Anyway, what have you got against indoor hills? What are you, the hill police? And what about dry ski slopes? So there.

An extremely limp wristed Geoffrey points out that they can build a hill using some massive building blocks that just "happen" to be all over the bollocking floor. Zippy just wants them to get on with it, because he wants to get to the bit where Jack and Jill fall down the hill (the bit where he can watch Bungle laying on the floor in agony).

There follows the campest display of hill climbing, ever. Ever. Geoffrey is skipping.

So - verse 1! "Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill...well...Jill just kind of...squatted a bit." Maybe Bungle had just found his inner bear, and thought he was in the woods? After all, "There are no hills indoors."

Sadly not. it's just Bungle being a div again, and not knowing what a crown is. Geoffrey explains what it is, for the benefit of Bungle, and for the stupider children watching at home. Every time Geoffrey explains something, i love him a little bit and want him to be...not my dad, but maybe an uncle. But not a creepy "uncle".

Anyway - verse 1, take 2. "Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill...well...just kind of stood there in "her" hat, touting for business.

Turns out that Bungle doesn't know what "tumble" means. Well you should have thought of that before shouldn't you, you fat stupid man in a bear costume.

Zippy takes the piss out of Bungles ignorance, which can only mean one thing -

BUNGLE STROP!

After calm has been restored, we manage verse 1, take 3, and... success!

The gang manage one whole verse before they all need a lunch break, thanks to Bungle's constant fucking up of everything known to man.

To end part 1 we have a short animation from Cosgrove Hall, in which the real Jack and Jill appear from another dimension, line by line, to take revenge on Geoffrey and Bungle for soiling their good name.

Will the gang survive this interdimensional onslaught? Will Bungle sulk again? Find out in part 2! But yes, and probably.

PART 2!

Now pay attention here, because this is where you'll find the filth (and I don't mean the police).

We are finally ready to tackle verse 2, and listen at 0:11. Yes. What is it that she patches up? Excuse me, his what? Oh, I must have just misheard that. After all, "head" and "knob" sound exactly the same. Yes, that's what happened.

After the shocking and morally reprehensible verse 2 is finished, Bungle appears to have been possessed by a retarded Tellytubby.

Verse 2 in constantly interrupted by various people asking what every word means, except "knob". The audience is constantly teased with the prospect of Bungle saying "Geoffrey, what's a knob?" Sadly this never happens. What we actually get is a rather surreal moment, gicing us a brief glimpse of Bungle's world of mental illness -

"Zippy, am I still Jill?"

What.

Zippy's answer to this schizophrenic question causes Bungle to have another BUNGLE STROP! This one is so good, I listed it in my top 10 Bungle strop moments.

When Bungle has been placated, yet fucking again, we carry on with the action. I for one, have never heard of Dame Dobb, ever, and I am convinced that she was only invented so the crew could sing about a knob, thus corrupting the children of Britain. If I am anything to go by, it appears to have worked.

Finally, we get an explanation for all the knob references. Apparently, Jack's knob is Jack's head. Two questions arise here. One, Why did Geoffrey feel the need to point to his head when he said the word "head"? Was it in case the audience thought he was referring to the other "head" that men have? And two, why the fuck didn't they just do the normal version of Jack and Jill? then they could have just said "head", and all this nastiness would have been avoided.

Let me get this straight. Instead of just laying on the floor in preparation for verse 2 (where Jack is already injured), Geoffrey feels he has to climb up the hill again, and fall down again. Maybe he's a method actor. maybe he needed to really feel Jack, but not in that way.

And I tell you what else. I banged my head last night. it still hurts today, and if some bastard tried to sprinkle vinegar on my head I'd kick them in the face.

I knew it. I just knew it. We weren't going to get through this episode without hearing from Rod, Jane and Freddy, who just happen to know a song about every-fucking-thing, even cystitis (probably).

God but they're cool. Especially Rod. He's such a rockstar, with that big-ass drum kit. He wants to be Keith Moon.

On a side note, has anyone seen Jane recently? She looks exactly the same. The woman doesn't age. there's only one explanation for that, and that is that she's a vampire.

Back to the action! "Why did they go up the hill to fetch water?" Apparently they went to collect filthy rainwater in a bucket, completely ignoring the well that is usually at the top of the hill. they have distorted this rhyme beyond all recognition, and all for their own perverted ends.

Notice how Zippy has one last ditch attempt to keep things clean, but no. Geoffrey still insists on saying "knob".

They act out the entire fucking thing one more time, going into minute detail, of the level usually only found in a PhD thesis. Oh Christ. theyr'e going to do the whole thing AGAIN. Luckily we're saved when Geoffrey declares that "we've got to go you now you know". he bids us goodbye, but not before reminding us that all the boys must hurt their knobs.

Top 10 big gay Bungle strops

Good afternoon. I'm back after my short (long) break, with a post I've been wanting to do for ages, but haven't been able to due to lack of video editing software. When I say lack of, I just mean that I never knew I actually had some all along. Whoops.

Anyway. It's generally agreed by all that Zippy is the diva of the Rainbow house - smashing things up and singing at the top of his voice if he doesn't get his own way. However, I would like to debunk this myth today. When it comes to being queen bee in the 'bow house, I would like to make the case for Bungle being related, by birth, to Mariah Carey. If you read this and still disagree with me, well... I guess you just can't see the bear in the room.

Without further ado I would like to present, in no particular order, the 10 greatest examples of Bungle's meltdowns and whinge binges. Credit to Lisaglitters for the original episodes, although I'm 99% sure it was me who sold her the videos on Amazon in the first place. let's be honest, just how many hardened Rainbow fans are there likely to be in the world? Anyway, ta LG

#1. Bungle objects to being forced into cross-dressing

#2. Artistic differences with Zippy

#3. Bungle's bothered bottom

#4. Bungle failing to grasp how menacing he doesn't look in that hat

#5. "PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE MY TOWEL!"

#6. Bungle practising being a mute. And a dick.

#7. Bungle's bothered bladder

#8. Bungle's massive wad needs room

#9. "They're laughing at me!" Come on Bungle, why would they do that?

#10. The granddaddy of them all - Bungle goes into meltdown

And there we have it - all hail king Bungle!

Penny's wanky pencil of happiness

Hey groovy gang, today I'm writing about a show often overlooked by those in Nothing Better To Do Land - short lived cartoon series Penny Crayon. Aired for only 12 episodes between '89 and '90, and voiced by "comedian" Su Pollard, I guarantee you it has the catchiest theme song ever. Watch this intro at your peril - you will be singing it for weeks afterwards -

Pollard seems to have the most inappropriate voice for a cartoon small girl ever, that of a raspy woman on a hen night after nine Bacardi Breezers and a packet of fags. She sounds particularly excited and horny in this episode, entitled "Silly Daydream". At least, that's what I think it's called, the title appears in some kind of strange ancient Greek font, making it read more like "Silky Dakorium".

We start with Hen Night Pollard declaring that Greek mythology is shit, despite the protests of her useless friend Dennis, who has the oddest voice in the world. it is how I imagine a carrot would talk if that were possible.

Since the class has been left alone while the teacher goes for a quick cigarette in the toilets, Hen Night decides to graffiti on her desk. Way to go teaching responsible behaviour to kids there. Mind you, kids obviously didn't take any notice of this show; they weren't fooled into thinking that the drawings would magically become real, otherwise buildings today would be covered in scribbles of Xboxes and crack.

Anyway, Hen Night draws a terrible version of the white rabbit from Alice In Wonderland. It fucks off, inviting the pair to join him, and we disappear down the rabbit's hole.

We magically arrive at a copyright infringement of the Mad Hatter's tea party. the Mad Hatter mistakes Hen Night for Alice, and hilarity ensues. Apparently.

Hen Night drinks some more Bacardi Breezer and instantly becomes about 100 ft tall. Inexplicably, she then decides it's a good idea to wander into the sea, where she encounters a ginger Poseidon, possibly a Scottish Poseidon. He throws a paddy when Hen Night, rather unwisely, repeats her earlier opinion that "Greek mythology is shit".

Scottish Poseidon shrinks her back down to normal size in the hope that she will then drown. Good. It's a close call, but sadly she is rescued by a homosexual dolphin and his trainer.

The three of them ride to Corinth, at which point I am beginning to wonder what the fuck Alice in Wonderland had to do with anything? Wasn't there a simpler way to transport Hen Night back to ancient Greece without copyright infringement?

The homosexual dolphin trainer offers Hen Night a job as a lap dancer, which she politely declines before getting the fuck out of there. Next she needs to draw some kind of transport to get her back to the tea party. Might I suggest an interdimentional portal? Or LSD?

In the end she plumps for a sodding horse, when she could just as easily have drawn a jet propelled car. A men in a leotard turns up, claiming to be called Clive or something, and asks if she can add wings to the horse, then he will steal it. I've read some Greek mythology, and I'm pretty sure that the Pegasus story didn't involve Su Pollard.

Clive is supposed to defeat some lion-goat thing, but instead of going to find a real one, the lazy fuck decides it will count if he just rubs out a drawing of one. Unbelievably, the rest of the kingdom accept this foolishness and declare Clive to be a hero, when all he did was throw some water about.

In a plot with more holes than a fishing net, Hen Night then chases the crappy rabbit back to the tea party where Carrot Voice is asleep, thanks to the Diazepam in his tea.

The pair make their excuses and leave back up the rabbit's hole, which looks too much like a diagram of an anal passage for my liking.

They arrive back in the classroom just as the teacher returns from his cigarette break. He has the same hair as Scottish Poseidon. Could it be? We'll never know.

Teacher/Poseidon sees that Hen Night and Carrot Voice haven't written a damn word, so declares they're not allowed any food for the rest of their lives, or until they write their stupid essays. He warns them that they might "miss their tea", at which Hen Night and Carrot Voice begin to laugh like epileptic morons. And that is the end. Nothing is explained.

Daddy Egbert's ding a ling

Just a small review today, on a piece of bizarre loveliness in the form of a Button Moon episode. I don't often watch Button Moon, what with my double career as head of the World Trade Organisation and top oven glove model. Nevertheless, I consider it my duty to occasionally spy on Mr Spoon and his menagerie of kitchen utensils. Sometimes there is a cow, I like cows. Sadly not in this episode. This episode centres around Daddy Egbert being thrown off the dole and being forced to GET A JOB!

The excitement begins with Mr Spoon and Spoon Junior talking to Daddy Egbert (hereafter referred to as D.E.) and normal Egbert about D.E.s new job as an ice cream man. D.E. is wearing a flat cap like a proper working man. Mummy Egbert is probably locked in the coal hole.

Then normal Egbert fannies on about liking ice cream or something, while Spoon Junior stands rigid, as if frozen by an evil curse. Apparently not, she was just bored.

Mrs Spoon is finally allowed out of the house, and announces that she has to stay at home today and lay the carpet in the spare bedroom. "No no, she definitely wants to" she insists, for the benefit of D.E. "It's definitely not because Mr Spoon is embarrassed by my strange afro."

The gang, with the exception of D.E., go up to space in a tin of beans. Because the children shouldn't be at school or anything like that. Perhaps it's like Armageddon, where the kids are brought up on some kind of weird space oil rig.

At this point I do wonder why we pay so much for research into interplanetary travel. Here we have a remarkably cheap prototype of a rocket that operates using ONE button. Anyway.

The tin of beans lands on Button Moon, where we encounter a teddy bear with the voice of a perverted farmer. He's being boring and trying to wake up his friend who is obviously dead inside the toybox. Blah blah blah, the friend's not dead, hooray, blah blah blah...

I've just remembered, this is the episode with the lion. It gets MUCH better.

The perverted farmer has bought his girlfriend a bloody doorbell, and she thinks it's a fitting return gift to invite him on safari. She obviously doesn't get many presents.

"I'm going to get the dumper truck" she cries, somewhat inexplicably.

Leaving the egg and spoon freaks behind, the pair drive into the safari park. Only then do they remember that they are supposed to be in a roofed vehicle, for their own safety. And now there is a scary lion growling at them from about three feet away. And it's one badass lion -

The pair understandably shit their pants, but are rescued in the nick of time by... that crappy doorbell. Why did they bring it with them to a safari park? "Oh we don't need a roof, fuck it, but you've got another thing coming if you think I'm idiot enough to set foot in there without some kind of device that lets me know I have a visitor." For god's sake.

Then the most amazing thing happens. Seriously, the most amazing television event that has ever taken place. Take my advice - arrange a night in, get some friends round,maybe some beers, and spend the night hitting the rewind button. You will never get tired of this, and your parties will be the stuff of legend for years to come. Are you ready?

The noise of the doorbell makes the lion fucking EXPLODE!!!!

I'm not entirely sure what else I can say about this episode, or in fact any show ever. It seems to me as if TV perfection has been achieved right here, and that to write anything further would be a pointless as pissing in my own pants. No matter, I will think of some crap to write about the now obviously anticlimactic ending. On we go.

There are some more animals, including a snail, which is a bit of a shit attraction at a safari park if you ask me.

Then we check in on Mr Spoon and his extended family, who are perving on people with a telephoto lens. Egbert spots his dad IN TROUBLE! His van has broken down, meaning he can't do the ice cream round after all! What Egbert didn't see was D.E. removing the fan belt from the engine in order to have an excuse to go home for the day.

"Luckily" for D.E., the gang fly down to help him, and suggest that he uses the tin of beans as a makeshift ice cream van. "Ah, but the chimes, no one will know I'm here without the chimes" replies D.E. No problem D.E., you can use the crappy lion exploding doorbell! Hooraay!

You can see D.E.visibly fuming as, instead of being allowed to go home with pay, he is now forced to drive his interfering neighbour's death trap around, all the time with people wondering why he keeps pressing that bloody doorbell.

The moral of this story, children, is never help anyone ever, because they don't fucking want your help, ok?

Getting your own way can sometimes suck

This episode is entitled "Getting your own way", which is a fine skill to teach the children at home. Presumably, if the show is ever revived, titles will have to be updated to things like "Hiding your stash". BUT, the twist here is that the story will show us how it isn't always good to get your own way! Aaaaahhhh! Bet you never saw that one coming! Those crafty folk in Rainbowtown.

Part one - the quest begins

The show opens with Zippy finishing a surprisingly good collage. At least, it's good when you compare it to previous collage efforts of the rainbow house -to previous collage efforts of the rai

With his creative lust satisfied, Zippy, who can't be unoccupied for more than eight seconds, begins to pester George and Bungle for an as yet unspecified "game". Hmm.
George, being an honorary woman, suggests Happy Families, but the more virile Zippy suggests Snakes And Ladders. At the climax of the debate, Zippy is about to give George a backhander for sassing him, but ultimately thinks better of it. Bungle, not appearing to swing either way (at least in terms of games), obviously has the final say. Zippy and George both attempt to curry favour by using that well known tactic - "behave like a dirty old man in the park".

Zippy - "I'll let you have a lick of my lollipop if we play snakes and ladders"

George - "would you like a sweetie Bungle?"

Bungle looks perturbed by all this, but not distressed enough to not be a sweetie whore, and the majority decides on Happy Families. Zippy, sensing defeat, puts down his obviously wooden lollipop. Enter Geoffrey looking very suave, and carrying a newspaper which he proceeds to place over a suspicious part of his anatomy. Really Geoffrey, I knew Jane gave you the horn, but George? You disappoint me.

Zippy manages to wangle a game of Snakes And Ladders after all, by sucking up to Geoffrey and telling him how good the S&L game he bought was, and "how much longer the snakes were". He prompts Bungle to agree and Bungle, obviously scared of getting no dinner from Geoffrey yet again, agrees that it's the best game known to man. Geoffrey agrees that they should play Snakes And Ladders, and when George protests, Zippy gives him a real backhander. Well, sort of, actually it's the most foppish backhander I've ever seen.

All the time this is going on, Bungle is inexplicably sorting through the Happy Families cards for no apparent reason, I suspect out of awkwardness, or perhaps a lack of scripted lines. This is interrupted by Geoffrey's order to "come on Bungle, get it out".

There follows a short Cosgrove Hall animation, featuring a boy with anger issues, and a girl with fat arms and a squeaky neck.

Cut back to the action. The gang are now playing the long awaited Snakes And Ladders game. Zippy lands on the biggest snake, and has to go all the way back to the start. Bungle, being socially inept, can't help pointing this out to Zippy and laughing. Go on Zippy, staple his buttocks to the chair, you know you want to.

Bungle throws a four, but he's crafty and picks the dice up before anyone else can see it, so for all we know he threw a one. Cheating bollock face.

After losing, Zippy insists that Happy Families is better. Everyone groans "Oh Zippy!" in unison, including Geoffrey, who wasn't even in the room when Zippy expressed his hatred for Happy Families.

Part two - the hero's journey

We now join the trio in a game of Happy Families, and we see why Zippy thinks it's so shit. However, this is merely the calm before the storm. Things really hot up when Rod, Jane and Freddy arrive, apparently from the kitchen. Rod and Freddy, being men (mostly), want to watch the football with Geoffrey. Jane meanwhile, being a woman, wants to watch a cookery show. On Geoffrey's TV. When cold hearted Geoffrey denies Jane this harmless request, she simply states "Fine, I'll go watch it on my own TV then!" Um, ok then, groovy.

Geoffrey kicks Bungle, George and Zippy out of the house while he, Rod and Freddy all try their hardest to be alpha males for the afternoon, bless. Note Geoffrey's enthusiastic "come on the lads", while waving his crotch at the TV. Apart from that they're boring, so we head to the garden to find Bungle George and Zippy being equally boring. And a hobby horse dies.

Suddenly, Nurse Gladys Emmanuel appears in the garden. I nearly stopped this review here since this was such an awesome turn of events that will never be surpassed. But I know you're all dying to find out what happens.

Nurse Gladys Emmanuel reads a story about a bossy cat, which teaches you that sometimes you should humour mice, or something.

The alpha males come outside, lamenting that their team is utter fucking shite (I'm paraphrasing). And what's worse, they've missed the story! Three men in their late 30s have missed the story.

Jane turns up, having carried a tray of drinks right from her house, which might very well be in Manchester, I don't know.

And then a rather abrupt ending, possibly so the alpha males don't have to carry on admitting being wrong wrong wrong. Yeah Geoffrey, if you're caught out, just end the show, you coward.

Author's note - it should be pointed out that, although I am always spewing hate at Geoffrey, he is in fact my hero. It is the law that Geoffrey is seen as brilliant by all.