Don't Do That - A farting spider

Stoppit and Tidyup -one of my favourite shows. Particularly fun to watch as an adult, and a pissed adult at that. Sponsored by the 'Keep Britain Tidy' campaign of the 80s (It might still be around now only no one gives a shit), and narrated by Lord Sir Terry Wogan Ba Ma PhD OBE CBE WTF LMFAO.

A bunch of monsters live in a place somewhere (the land of do-as-you're-told) and each monster is the focus of one episode. The episode focuses on that character's particular quirk. For example Comb Your Hair can't see where he's going because of his fringe (and he's a cow, for some reason. I like cows.), Brush Your Teeth is extra good at everything because he has good dental hygiene, and Go And Play...well...he has the quirk of being like a 40

year old pedophile just sitting there waiting for his trap to lure someone in -

Now then. if you are my age and don't remember the 'And here's all their friends...' character parade, then remind me to send you a "Good luck with your operation" card. Oh wait, you can't remind me, can you.

Anyway, when the parade is finished (ie when the opening titles are finished), notice we're already A QUARTER of the way in. I'm not sure what emotion this brings out in me, other than mild confusion.

Today we meet 'Don't Do That!' -

I picked Don't Do That because, let's face it, if there ever was a name to spawn innuendo, it's Don't Do That! One can imagine him being told to stop doing things like poking his dick through the hole in the cubicle wall, or rubbing up against a mannequin in a shop window. I guess this would have made more sense with the character called 'Stoppit'. But, you know, it's the way Wogan cried "Don't do that!" - like he was reading the script, then all of a sudden one of the producers came over and started trying to cop a feel. Wogan almost sounds genuinely afraid. As we all know, there is nothing funnier than Terry Wogan when he's being harassed by a sex pest.

So, the episode. Don't Do That is a kind of farting spider thing that gets stuck under stuff. What it is he's not supposed to do is a bit beyond me for the time being. All he does is move about, taking whoever happens to be sitting on him for a ride, which really isn't his fault. The episode should be called "Don't listen to him, he's the one sat on you." Like Terry Wogan's producer.

See? All he's doing is being under a tin. I guess the lesson for today is - Don't be under a tin.

I do like Tidyup. I shouldn't - he should be too much like stupid Soo/Mary Whitehouse - all houseproud and he irons his knickers. But no. He's so nice, and he's always getting metaphorically crapped on by people without a word of complaint.

Anyway, back to the farting spider thing. Look here, if anyone's a bitch in this episode, it's Stoppit. He can be a right little bastard at times. He has issues.

"His plan was to..." To what? To just stand there and keep getting hit on the head with stuff?

Oh wait, that was his plan. Well played sir.

I feel truly terrible now - both for Tidyup, whose picnic table has been smashed, and for Don't Do That, who has now cowered back into his shell. He wasn't doing anything wrong, he was just farting a bit.

As you may have predicted though, there is a happy ending to this tale. Don't Do That goes back home, taking an unwilling Stoppit back with him (kidnapping - always a happy ending), and Tidyup gets to use the tree stump Stoppit just cut down as a picnic table! Hurrah!

Although, can you cut down a tree stump? i'm not sure what the correct phrasing of that is.