10 things I learned from watching Spongebob Squarepants

I don't just watch Spongebob Squarepants because I have a mental age of five. I also watch it so I can hang on to something resembling a moral compass in my chaotic, cock-fighting life. I tell you, the Bible, the Qur'an, even Lord of the Rings have nothing on the teachings of the spongey guru.

1. Always look on the bright side of things - it's good to be optimistic

   Episode of note - every single one 

You never see Spongebob being a pessimistic, world loathing fuck. That's because Squidward was put in the sea to do just that. While Squidward is attempting to combust with anger, Spongebob can be found following the code set by Tony Robbins, Richard Simmons or similar. And things always turn out alright for Bob, while Squidward generally ends us with a face full of snail poo and his house repossessed.

2. Learn how to laugh at yourself

     Episode of note - "Squirrel Jokes"

It's all very well attempting to make yourself look big by making others look small, but you can guarantee in life that you can't laugh at yourself, everyone else will do it for you. No one ever thought badly of someone who fell over and laughed about it, but plenty thought badly of someone who fell over, then proceeded to cry, blame everyone else, and shit their pants.

3. Pursue your dreams, even if the money is terrible

Episode of note - "Help Wanted"

Spongebob spends his days at the Krusty Krab up to his elbows in grease, scrubbing out toilets, and having to work with Squidward. In one episode it is revealed that Spongebob had to pay Mr Krabs to let him work there in the beginning. Despite this, he's happier than I would be if someone paid me a million quid to go to Alton Towers for the day. Spongebob loves his job. The moral of this story? There's no point earning £10,000 a day if you go into work every morning feeling like... well... like Squidward.

4. One good turn deserves another

Episode of note - "Best Day Ever"

Bob has big plans. He's going to spend the entire day doing all the things he loves with all his best friends. But things don't go to plan, and instead Bob is forced to spend the day sorting out the above friends' individual catastrophes. Instead of branding him a doormat and demanding to borrow fivers, Bob's friends realise what he's done for them, and work together to give him an extra special end to the day (not a "happy ending", you filthy perverts). Spongebob ends up having a better time than, say, if he'd just stood around and let everyone die.

5. Never stop trying

Episode of note - any where Spongebob takes, and fails, his driving test

Spongebob will pass his driving test one day. This is a certainty. However, it wouldn't be a certainty if Spongebob gave up and decided to get the bus for the rest of his life instead. Where would we be if everyone decided to give up and 'get the bus'? Nothing great would ever be achieved, nothing great would have been invented, England would never have won the World Cup, and the buses would be awfully crowded.

6. You're braver than you think

Episode of note - "Roller Cowards"

People tell me I do brave things. I have tattoos, I go on rollercoasters. I've even been known to eat my mother's infamous sausage curry. I'm not a particularly brave person, in fact I'm scared of most things most of the time. However, I feel the fear and do it anyway. Once you make up your mind to do that, it's amazing what kind of things you can achieve. Whether it's riding the Fiery Fist O Pain, or asking out your crush, life becomes more exciting when the thought of possibly soiling yourself doesn't stop you. 

7. Don't fall for scams - or - if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is

Episode of note - "Karate Island"

"Spongebob, you've been crowned King of Karate despite not being very good. Please come and accept your award." "Jenny, I am a Nigerian prince who needs your help to transfer my vast fortune to the UK." "You, yes you, can lose three stone in just three days, by eating only chocolate!" "With my genuine magic powers, I can make the man of your dreams fall in love with you for only 6 easy payments of £1,999." Do you see?

8. Everyone has a talent

Episode of note - "Big Pink Loser"

We're not all supermodels, or nuclear physicists, or Olympic athletes. And trust me, it's not easy being all three. But Naomi Campbell couldn't understand quantum entanglement (or Quantum dishwashing powder). Stephen Hawking might never win 'Miss Butlins Bikini'. And I'm pretty sure Usain Bolt couldn't do a spot on impression of her majesty Mrs Queen. We all bring something different to the party, as Patrick finds out in this episode. He won't win any prizes trying to beat Spongebob at his game, but he wins one by playing his own game. He is the best at doing nothing, and doing nothing is definitely a talent. Again, trust me on that.

9. Don't try to be something you're not

Episode of note - "No Weenies Allowed"

On a similar note to above, it does not do to pretend to be something that goes against your very nature in order to impress someone else, or to prove a point. Not only will you probably fail and look stupid, but have you thought about what you'd do if you actually succeeded? No, neither have I, because I've never succeeded at anything. But suppose you did, are you prepared for this occurrence? Best case scenario - you'll have to keep up the pretense forever. Worst case scenario - you'll get injured and end up in Weenie Hut General with a boo-boo. Stick to who you are, and if people don't like it, chances are they suck and they're not worth your time anyway.

10. Sit there and do nothing, and the Magic Conch will take care of everything

Episode of note - "Club Spongebob"

If you ever find yourself stranded in the woods, you don't have to worry. Just ask the Magic Conch what you should do. If it says "do nothing", then that is what you must do. Have faith, and a picnic table full of food will eventually fall out of the sky. This last one was a bit of a joke, but thinking about it, I guess you could also say 'stop worrying so much, because things will generally turn out ok in the end'. Unless you don't have a Magic Conch, then you're screwed.

Don't Do That - A farting spider

Stoppit and Tidyup -one of my favourite shows. Particularly fun to watch as an adult, and a pissed adult at that. Sponsored by the 'Keep Britain Tidy' campaign of the 80s (It might still be around now only no one gives a shit), and narrated by Lord Sir Terry Wogan Ba Ma PhD OBE CBE WTF LMFAO.

A bunch of monsters live in a place somewhere (the land of do-as-you're-told) and each monster is the focus of one episode. The episode focuses on that character's particular quirk. For example Comb Your Hair can't see where he's going because of his fringe (and he's a cow, for some reason. I like cows.), Brush Your Teeth is extra good at everything because he has good dental hygiene, and Go And Play...well...he has the quirk of being like a 40

year old pedophile just sitting there waiting for his trap to lure someone in -

Now then. if you are my age and don't remember the 'And here's all their friends...' character parade, then remind me to send you a "Good luck with your operation" card. Oh wait, you can't remind me, can you.

Anyway, when the parade is finished (ie when the opening titles are finished), notice we're already A QUARTER of the way in. I'm not sure what emotion this brings out in me, other than mild confusion.

Today we meet 'Don't Do That!' -

I picked Don't Do That because, let's face it, if there ever was a name to spawn innuendo, it's Don't Do That! One can imagine him being told to stop doing things like poking his dick through the hole in the cubicle wall, or rubbing up against a mannequin in a shop window. I guess this would have made more sense with the character called 'Stoppit'. But, you know, it's the way Wogan cried "Don't do that!" - like he was reading the script, then all of a sudden one of the producers came over and started trying to cop a feel. Wogan almost sounds genuinely afraid. As we all know, there is nothing funnier than Terry Wogan when he's being harassed by a sex pest.

So, the episode. Don't Do That is a kind of farting spider thing that gets stuck under stuff. What it is he's not supposed to do is a bit beyond me for the time being. All he does is move about, taking whoever happens to be sitting on him for a ride, which really isn't his fault. The episode should be called "Don't listen to him, he's the one sat on you." Like Terry Wogan's producer.

See? All he's doing is being under a tin. I guess the lesson for today is - Don't be under a tin.

I do like Tidyup. I shouldn't - he should be too much like stupid Soo/Mary Whitehouse - all houseproud and he irons his knickers. But no. He's so nice, and he's always getting metaphorically crapped on by people without a word of complaint.

Anyway, back to the farting spider thing. Look here, if anyone's a bitch in this episode, it's Stoppit. He can be a right little bastard at times. He has issues.

"His plan was to..." To what? To just stand there and keep getting hit on the head with stuff?

Oh wait, that was his plan. Well played sir.

I feel truly terrible now - both for Tidyup, whose picnic table has been smashed, and for Don't Do That, who has now cowered back into his shell. He wasn't doing anything wrong, he was just farting a bit.

As you may have predicted though, there is a happy ending to this tale. Don't Do That goes back home, taking an unwilling Stoppit back with him (kidnapping - always a happy ending), and Tidyup gets to use the tree stump Stoppit just cut down as a picnic table! Hurrah!

Although, can you cut down a tree stump? i'm not sure what the correct phrasing of that is.

I-pod, cephlopod and sennapod

I should be sat in a lecture now - instead I'm watching an old episode of The Poddington Peas. Honestly, the sacrifices I make for my readers! Plus my feet hurt so I came home.

The Poddington Peas was a British cartoon, shown for one series in 1989. At first I thought it was a Maddocks production (Family Ness, Penny Crayon) but subsequent Wikipedia-ing proved me wrong. I just assumed that Maddocks had the monopoly over this niche in the market - the low budget, short lived yet fondly remembered cartoons of the 80s market, that is. Anyway, The peas were created by some dude named Paul Needs. Paul Needs...what?

I'll get to the chosen episode in a sec, but first let me bring to light something I have noticed about this show. It might as well have been written by Bernard Manning. It's definitely sexist and racist, and I'm pretty sure they don't even

have one gay pea in Poddington. Of the roughly three dozen peas living at the bottom of some right-wing git's garden, only five are female. Ok, not as bad as the Smurfs, you might argue, where there's only one female. Not as much sexual harassment to be dealt with by one chick, right? Well, let's have a look at the she-peas -

Sweet-Pea - a blonde model with big tits (only peas can see them, but they are still there. I think.)

Tea-Pea - a tea lady

Skip-Pea - a little girl with a skipping rope

Penala-Pea - a single mother

Chip-Pea - a greasy woman who works in a chip shop.

There is nothing like a cartoon that teaches equality and female empowerment. And speaking of equality - Why are all the bad peas darker than the good peas? Let me illustrate what I mean -

See? SEE? These two aren't really from Poddington. I mean, they weren't born here. Look, I'm not racist or anything, but...not on my doorstep...another victory for the loony left...that damn PC brigade...let one in, the next thing you know they'll have banned the flag and made us all talk African, or wherever it is they're from...yours sincerely, BN-Pea.

Where was I? Oh yes. I might not actually get round to writing about an episode now; this might turn into some kind of pre-menopausal left wing rant. However, I did used to like this show as a kid, before I understood the concept of people being different from me. As far as I was concerned, humanity was divided into two categories - those who knew that Cheetara was the best Thundercat, and those who didn't.

My favourite theme tunes

Good evening. I wrote most of this post while I was queuing for a lecture today. The rest of it was written ten minutes into said lecture when I looked at the lecturer and thought 'I don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about'. Since that made me feel inadequate and I needed to go to my happy place, I decided to go back and finish mooning over some musical slices of my childhood.

1. Maid Marian and her Merry Men -

Although this song came at the end of the episode rather than the beginning, it's still the theme tune because A) the beginning didn't really have music as such, B) everyone knows this word for word, and C) it's fucking awesome. What makes it so fab is the simple, 4 or 5 note melody that makes it easy to remember. Also, it always follows something brilliant happening, usually involving the Sheriff of Nottingham getting covered in mud. Plus, the show was set in Worksop, 5 miles from where I grew up. Thus, this song was performed every morning by the class at my school, in lieu of hymns or a pledge of allegiance. I may or may not be lying.

2. The Family Ness - "You'll never find a Nessie in the zoo" -

I realise this is another closing theme, but I have good reasons for choosing it. While its counterpart at the beginning is equally catchy and well written, the closing song is the one I'm really in love with. Especially the above, which is the full length version that appears at the end of the last episode. It's heartwarming and cheery all in one, and I love it. Since, by this time, the audience has come to know and love the Nessies so much, it's great to know they'll always get one over on people trying to Poach them for Chester Zoo, Disneyland or similar. That means they'll never have to spend their days cooped up in front of a load of snotty kids throwing McPeanuts at them out of boredom. My favourite part is at 0:33, where the Nessies are all doing the 'Fuck you Mr Zookeeper' dance.

3. Around the world with Willy Fog -

I have become a recent convert to this show, despite my previous scathing attack (half arsed rambling). One of the main reasons for this sudden change of heart is that BLOODY theme tune! Addictive is not the word - it is the crack cocaine of the 80s cartoon theme tune world. To give you some reference point, Clangers or Bagpuss might be considered as being Horlicks - dreamy, comforting and sweet. This song, on the other hand, where do I start? Oh sure, you might be immune the first time you hear it but trust me, you won't be left in peace for long. Just how is any mortal supposed to resist a tune that takes 'jaunty' to a level never before experienced by man, woman or lion? Then there is Fog's singing voice, which we have all tried to replicate after a few drinks. And when I say we, I mean me.

4. Count Duckula -

A dark horse in the line up here, one that many might pass over in favour of its more famous cousin, Dangermouse. I, however, do not like to run with the herd. Of course I already have a soft spot for this show for several reasons. Firstly, it was created by Cosgrove Hall (of 'Lines and Shapes' fame). Secondly, it combines two of my favourite things in the world - vampires and ducks. So, even if this theme tune was shit I'd still love it. But shit it is not; ace it is. This song just screams '80s power rock' at you - so much so that it could have been performed by Meat Loaf, and probably was, one night in a karaoke bar somewhere.

A slow, creepy build up, followed by the obligatory snappy drum intro, then wallop - straight into big hair, high notes and power chords. Love it.

5. Pokemon (U.S. version)

Possibly an entry that doesn't quite fit in with the rest of this list - in fact, I only discovered the Pokemon cartoons a couple of years ago, but have been working my way through them with rapt adoration ever since. The show is one of those rare treats that come around every so often. From a distance it might strike you as another shouting, epilepsy inducing cartoon for hyperactive 10 year old boys, but dig deeper and it becomes charming, slightly insane and hilariously funny, not to mention it has characters you care about and a plot you want to follow.

So, the theme tune. Why is it on my list? I'm just going to put my hands up on this one and say pure-damn-catchiness. Plus when you hear it, you know an episode of Pokemon is about to start, which is a 10 on the 'fuck you, I may be 28 but I'm cool' scale.

Honourable mention - Chorlton and the Wheelies

Do not - I repeat - do not accidentally listen to this theme tune when you are having sex, or are about to have sex. It happened to me and an old boyfriend. We were getting down to it one night, and I'd left a random 80s cartoons DVD playing. All of a sudden an entire orchestra of Carry On style whistles and springs piped up. Needless to say, our ardour was replaced by fits of giggles. A million times better than a cold shower, but we still laugh about it now. Those were the days.

Scotch-ness, drunken-ness and ginger-ness

Time to cover another obscure show, and this time it's that staple of a very narrow slice of every 80s childhood - The Family Ness. Created by Peter Maddocks, also of Penny Crayon (drunken hen night Su Pollard) fame, the first episode is entitled "Elspeth and Angus meet the Loch Ness Monster." This shouldn't come as too much of a surprise given the premise of the show - a family of Loch Ness monsters and the kids who meet them. Who are called Elspeth and Angus. And that's pretty much it. All sorts of hilarious-ness ensues.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then we shall begin.

Our Scotch story begins with Mr McToot shouting at his kids, or something. Mr McToot is actually purple. Not David Dickinson purple - proper Victoria Plum, Monster Munch, Ribena purple. Not only that, but he appears to be current defending champion of the annual "How many Scottish stereotypes can you fit into one person" competition. To defend his title, all he needs to do now is to shout "There's a moose loose aboot this hoose!" possibly with or without being on heroin.

The children run off to play on a hill that has just appeared out of nowhere, although they don't seem to notice that. What they do notice is that the hill is alive - not in a "Sound of Music" way, more of a "Oh well done, you just jumped on a huge plesiosaur and have probably killed it, I hope you're proud of yourself" kind of way. As a result, the Nessie inexplicably manages to turn round in the hole so its legs are now waving about.

"Come on Elspeth, let's try to pull it out!" Snigger. Sometimes I wish I was a real grown up.

Elspeth climbs up it and slides down its tail. Exactly how is treating the thing like a goddamn Wacky Warehouse going to help?

Another Nessie turns up, while the first Nessie is still stuck with its arse in the air. this new Nessie is the aptly names Ferocious-ness. I'm not so sure about ferocious, but it certainly does look a bit miffed - I would say roughly the level of ire found when someone drops a clean spoon on the kitchen floor and has to wash it again. Also, rather than being really ferocious and eating the kids, Ferocious-ness just points at them a bit.

Right, let's just have a quick recap here shall we? Elspeth and Angus - you now have indisputable proof of the existence of the Loch Ness Monster. more than that, you're actually seeing it with your own four eyes. More than that, you're seeing the monster's shit-scary older brother. More than that, he speaks! English! At no point are these kids anything other than entirely nonplussed at these events, and for this I take my tartan hat off to them.

The queen Nessie appears. Is it just me or does the queen Nessie sound an awful lot like a flummoxed Professor McGonagall? You can jus

t hear this one saying "Faaaaiiiive pooints too Gryffindoooor!"

Now there's one wearing a swimming costume. What.

At 2:58 I could have sworn some of them had their tits out, but unfortunately I was wrong -

You should never have to save a picture to your PC entitled "Nessie Tits".

By the way, absolutely no one else is noticing all this

going on. Oh wait, i stand corrected, that tractor man has seen them now.

Ok, so, they all pull the stupid one out of the hole, hurrah! Crisis averted. As a reward, the queen gives Elspeth and Angus magic whistle things that can be used to call the Nessies whenever they're in trouble/need a pic for the tabloids. The kids have a celebratory weeee -

Meanwhile, tractor man has gone to the police station to, what? Get the Loch Ness Monster arrested? What exactly is he hoping to achieve by telling the police? Luckily the cop on duty doesn't believe him. As he points to the calendar, we see it's APRIL FOOLS DAY! D'oh! Wait, hang on a minute, so the cop doesn't believe him because it's April 1st? Or are we not meant to believe anything that happened in the entire episode because it's April 1st? Which is it?

This conundrum brings us to the end of the first exciting episode. Stick around for the closing tune, because you'll never see a Nessie in the zoo. Even if you, erm, knock it and rock it and stuff.

Lines, Shapes and Loveliness

Once again I am called back to this blog for an unhappy reason. Yesterday I saw the news that another member of the Rainbow gang had passed away. Mark Hall, of Cosgrove Hall fame, is remembered by everyone of a certain age, I'm sure. The memories are for various reasons - Dangermouse, Chorlton and the Wheelies, Count Duckula, but I would like to deviate from this trend and say that, to me, he will always be one of the Lines and Shapes guys.

You know the deal - those squeaky, clanging, creepy yet hilarious "animations" (see - things coming to life on their fucking own with the help of disjointed spacetime) that acted as charming breaks between scenes in most episodes of the 'bow. Quite frequently had cows in them, and as you know, I love cows.

Since my writing is sporadically adequate at best, I decided to let George do the talking for me on this one -

Willy Fog - Carry on up the Khyber in animal form

I've been asked to review Around the world with Willy Fog by up to half of my two readers. I know I used to watch it as a kid, but my memory of the show was very sketchy, so I did a little bit of research before I watched an entire episode. To this end, I visited the show's Wikipedia page, with startling results. Now, I might not remember minor details, but I do remember that it was animals in suits ripping off Jules Verne's idea. This, evidently, isn't obvious enough for the folks at Wikipedia, since there is an entire section of the article devoted to "Differences from the novel". Sorry, what? Excuse me, isn't the only difference that really matters the fact that in the show they are all giant animals in costumes? Somehow, this detail manages to slip through the net.

Anyway, the show itself is pretty self explanatory - Willy Fog, the protagonist, is travelling round the world in - yes, you guessed it - 80 days. All sorts of hilarity ensues. Maybe.

I decided to dive straight in with episode 19 - "The Stampede". Since I haven't seen the episodes leading up to this one, I'm going to give a rundown of what I think has probably happened so far-

Fog and his cronies are on the run from the law for unlawfully impersonating people (really badly, I might add), and have decided that, if they can stay out of the country for 80 days, then there is a loophole in the law that will turn them into non UK citizens, thus protecting them from the force of UK law. So far they've spent a week in Benidorm, but they didn't like the food, so they moved to Las Vegas and lost all their money, which is why they're now having to use public transport. I'm 99% sure I've got this synopsis exactly right.

So - here we go with Episode 19 - The Stampede -

I rather like the opening line of the song - "Fuck! I'm the one who made the bet!" Did he make a bet in the pub or something, and has only just remembered?

Also, Fuck is the only one whose singing you can understand. The others are all incoherent, which is hardly surprising since they're all FOREIGNERS!!!!!

Apart from that, nothing at all happens in this opening sequence, apart from "Around the world, around the world, world around the, the world around, around the world, world the around, around the world" x 3400. I'm not sorry when it finishes.

We start with some Etonian toffs playing billiards, and talking about Fog (the protagonist I assume, not the weather type). I almost switch off at this point, before they all turn into Boris Johnson. Luckily we soon cut to Fuck, I mean Fog, and the action. Oh, but before we do, there's a brilliant goat in a wheelchair called Lord Guinness. I wish the show had been about him instead.

Right. The actual storyline begins. They're all on a train. I'm sort of following this so far. The French one and the Italian one are entertaining the others with a song. Are we really expected to believe that this is them singing? They were squeaky animals with heavy European accents a minute ago, and now they've suddenly both turned into Donovan?

Anyway. It turns out they're in America somewhere, which is confirmed beyond all doubt when they meet an American bear in a top hat. Let me see. Fat? Check. Obnoxious? Check. Assumes everyone knows everything about America? Check. Yup, they've pretty much ticked all the boxes here. I bet his name is Wyatt Eagleburger.

I notice Willy Fuck hasn't actually done much yet, he just keeps chipping in occasionally, sounding a bit like James Mason.

I know these guys sat listening in to them, they're the police I think. I know this because A) I watched 5 minutes of another episode, and B) they're Cockney dogs. When Cockney dogs aren't playing snooker in paintings, they're upholding the law. Jus' the way it is.

The gang go off for dinner. God dammit, why does cartoon food always look so damn good? Anyway, the bear starts crapping on about some railway history, an I almost switch off again. Also, has that bear got a bottle of Jack Daniels all to himself?

A ha - some action! Oh wait no, it's just some cows crossing the road. Yawn. Oh wait, they might knock over the train! In fact, they're actually making a conscious effort to, with such malice in their eyes that I swear I won't feel guilty the next time I eat a steak. They estimate the stampede to last for the next 4 - 5 hours. using mathematics, I estimate that to be approximately 7.3 trillion buffalo.

Ooh, we finally get to see the baddie! Things should start to liven up a bit now! God i do hope so. So, the bad guy is trying to delay Willy Fuck's train. But why? For what purpose? OH, it's ok, it's all explained to us by a helpful narrator. I like that they feel the need to explain what he's doing there at all - probably because they know no one will remember anything from last week, as it's so ball-crushingly boring.

To make matters worse, it becomes clear that the show is also meant to be "educational". That explains why, approximately every 3 minutes, one of the characters pipes up with a lecture on the history of a mountain, or the composition of topsoil or something. if you want to educate kids, how about not telling them that the railway was invented by a bear?

And I'm only halfway through the episode. Kill me now. This show would be unbearable if it wasn't for that Italian animal thing jumping around and generally getting in everyone's faces.

But wait! An as yet unidentified baddie has sabotaged the bridge! Will they all die? probably not, otherwise this would be the last episode, and it wouldn't be called "The Stampede", it would be called "Cataclysmic Train Inferno". How I wish it had been.

Oh I see now, the random baddie is the bad fox wearing a mask. He truly is a master of disguise. It's confusing though. i mean, I'm having a hard time following this and I'm 27. Although, to be fair, I am also an idiot.

this is the first time in the episode that I am impressed with Willy Fuck. he just saunters over and announces that he's going to go and fix the bridge, just like that, and he's so bloody English about the whole thing - he's like "Oh yes, all we need to fix this bridge is TEA!" Also, who suddenly made him boss? Oh, that's right, bribes did. Of course.

Afterwards, he just saunters back up and announces that he's fixed the bridge. Why did they just take his word for it? Why wouldn't they even check?

It doesn't really matter though, because now it's a little bit exciting - will they manage to cross the bridge? I won't give the outcome away, but let's just say that afterwards, I was so excited I needed a wee. But here's a hint - yes they do cross the bridge.

Anyway, that's about it for this episode. we get a sneak preview of what's coming up in the next episode. Next week, they are attacked by Injuns! will I ever be able to cope without tuning in to find out what happens? Yes, I think it's safe to say I will.

A quick epilogue - I asked someone whether or not Willy fuck was gay, and he said -

"No, he's pounding the fuck out of the cat."

I'll leave you with that lovely thought.

Raggy Dolls - The Big Top

Good afternoon. Now that I am a happy little bonbon once again, I shall be turning out cartoon-related tripe with a lot more regularity.

Today's spouting is dedicated to The Raggy Dolls, a show that still manages to make me feel all warm and cosy, even as an adult (I use the word loosely). The Raggy Dolls was a series of cartoons about a gang of fucked up toys that go round the country having adventures, or something. Imagine the kind of toys that even Home Bargains would reject - that's these guys. Still, they teach us a valuable lesson about what's on the inside being more important than what's on the outside. They also teach us that, if you mangle your dolls beyond recognition, they will come back and fuck your shit up. Or maybe I just dreamed that last part.

Anyway, the show had a brilliant theme tune, sung by Neil Innes of "Urban Spaceman" fame. In it we are encouraged to "be like the Raggy Dolls, and not give a fuck about what people think of you". I like that message.

And now... THE BIG TOP!

When the episode begins, we're able to meet the whole gang in one go. They all have pretty obvious defects apart from Claude, the French doll, whose defect appears to be that he's French. Anyway, they're a pretty screwed up bunch as we can see, but they haven't been cast out of society altogether, not just yet anyway. They still have a home - the reject bin of the local factory. But I think it's a bit like living in a hostel - you have to be out of the place for most of the day, because their insurance doesn't cover you, or something. I think that's why the gang are all in the middle of a random field.

Incidentally, I once made my own version of a Raggy Doll -

Only problem is I think I ended up making her better than she was before, thus negating my original point.

So - back to the "action". Princess declares that it's fun looking at flowers, because flowers are different shapes. Christmas Day must be a riot in their house, I mean in their bin. Princess and Lucy then decide to make daisy chains, despite having no fingers. Meanwhile, Dotty is painting a picture of Sadsack, except Sadsack forgot to remove his butt plug before he left home, and is now awkwardly humping the ground as a result, like some sort of beige porn star.

Oh yeah, it's a thistle. Sure it is.

Claude, meanwhile, is stood around being all French.

Just then, the gang hear a stampede coming their way. At this point no one knows if it's some escaped cows, or whether a motorway is going to be built right over them. Sadly, it's neither. The noise scares Lucy so much that the narrator starts banging his spoon on the side of his coffee mug.

The noise the gang can hear is actually a circus, being transported by the swarthiest, dodgiest looking man in the world. Put it this way, you wouldn't leave your wallet or your daughter with him -

It's also a bit of a budget train - everyone else has to ride on top of the carriages. This is the LIDL of the travelling circus world.

An elephant appears out of nowhere and runs at the dolls. Claude exclaims "Quelle horreur!" which I think is French for "Oh holy fuck!" Sadsack comes to the conclusion that it must be an earthquake, despite looking right fucking at the fucking elephant.

Then three identical Grant Mitchell triplets kind of mince over to them. I think they might be holding hands as well.

"Quick, let's hide under what is obviously the circus tent; the circus people will never have any reason to go near this."

Predictably, the dolls end up stuck at the top of the, well, the big top. they look down and shit themselves/survey the view - cut to the most useless circus acts in the world getting some practise.

And a pink horse. The lions are pretty good though.

He's still banging that fucking spoon!

Suddenly, we are all expected to believe that Back-to-front (whose head is back to front, obviously), is adept at tightrope walking. Not only that, but adept at walking fucking backwards on a tightrope, while carrying his ladyfriends. None of the others do the sane, rational thing, which is to ignore him.

To everyone's surprise, he is actually marvelous at it. Showbiz let a gem slip through their fingers with him, I tell you.

While this is going on, we cut to a shot of the awesome lions again, just because.

Hi-Fi and Sadsack are getting sick of Back-to-front getting all the attention from the ladies, so they decide to do what any normal person would do - crash into him on a big fuck-off trapeze, sending them all hurtling to their deaths.

Also, instead of Back-to-front showing off, surely it would have been easier and quicker for everyone to go across on the trapeze? I mean, if that sack thing can do it, then everyone can.

Meanwhile, Claude is still stood there being French.

Anyway - oh no - the dolls are falling! It's fine though, they all have relatively soft landings, as opposed to all falling onto a bed of nails or something.

In the next scene I lose all the respect I previously had for the lions. This makes me quite sad. They had such promise. But I do gain a new found respect for Dotty, who turns out to be Chuck Norris or similar. While princess is sniveling "I think they're going to heat us up!" (does she mean 'eat'?), Dotty gets her Indiana Jones on and shows those lions who's boss. Only, while doing so she manages to sound like Chris Eubank, complete with a lisp that wasn't there before.

Meanwhile, Claude is still at the top of the tent, being French. To give him his credit, he does just stand around being all nonchalant and full of ennui at his predicament. I half expected him to start smoking a cigarette while singing a Jacques Brel song at this point.

Instead of just leaving the useless fuck there, the gang put a trampoline under him so he can jump. Claude cries "Viva la France!" before he jumps. By doing so, he automatically becomes my new favourite (secretly, he always was anyway).

The animals all applaud this feat, instead of just eating people and shitting on the floor like they usually do.

When the dolls finally get out of the tent, they are shocked beyond belief to see "a long line of people". Why? It's a circus, not an incinerator. Morons.

Sadsack closes the episode by making a joke, then telling the others about how he "made a joke", even though they were standing right next to him. The others just sort of stare at him for a bit, not really knowing what to say.

And then it ends. I think there was supposed to be some end credits here, but then maybe the animators just gave up at this point.

Top 10 big gay Bungle strops

Good afternoon. I'm back after my short (long) break, with a post I've been wanting to do for ages, but haven't been able to due to lack of video editing software. When I say lack of, I just mean that I never knew I actually had some all along. Whoops.

Anyway. It's generally agreed by all that Zippy is the diva of the Rainbow house - smashing things up and singing at the top of his voice if he doesn't get his own way. However, I would like to debunk this myth today. When it comes to being queen bee in the 'bow house, I would like to make the case for Bungle being related, by birth, to Mariah Carey. If you read this and still disagree with me, well... I guess you just can't see the bear in the room.

Without further ado I would like to present, in no particular order, the 10 greatest examples of Bungle's meltdowns and whinge binges. Credit to Lisaglitters for the original episodes, although I'm 99% sure it was me who sold her the videos on Amazon in the first place. let's be honest, just how many hardened Rainbow fans are there likely to be in the world? Anyway, ta LG

#1. Bungle objects to being forced into cross-dressing

#2. Artistic differences with Zippy

#3. Bungle's bothered bottom

#4. Bungle failing to grasp how menacing he doesn't look in that hat

#5. "PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE MY TOWEL!"

#6. Bungle practising being a mute. And a dick.

#7. Bungle's bothered bladder

#8. Bungle's massive wad needs room

#9. "They're laughing at me!" Come on Bungle, why would they do that?

#10. The granddaddy of them all - Bungle goes into meltdown

And there we have it - all hail king Bungle!

Penny's wanky pencil of happiness

Hey groovy gang, today I'm writing about a show often overlooked by those in Nothing Better To Do Land - short lived cartoon series Penny Crayon. Aired for only 12 episodes between '89 and '90, and voiced by "comedian" Su Pollard, I guarantee you it has the catchiest theme song ever. Watch this intro at your peril - you will be singing it for weeks afterwards -

Pollard seems to have the most inappropriate voice for a cartoon small girl ever, that of a raspy woman on a hen night after nine Bacardi Breezers and a packet of fags. She sounds particularly excited and horny in this episode, entitled "Silly Daydream". At least, that's what I think it's called, the title appears in some kind of strange ancient Greek font, making it read more like "Silky Dakorium".

We start with Hen Night Pollard declaring that Greek mythology is shit, despite the protests of her useless friend Dennis, who has the oddest voice in the world. it is how I imagine a carrot would talk if that were possible.

Since the class has been left alone while the teacher goes for a quick cigarette in the toilets, Hen Night decides to graffiti on her desk. Way to go teaching responsible behaviour to kids there. Mind you, kids obviously didn't take any notice of this show; they weren't fooled into thinking that the drawings would magically become real, otherwise buildings today would be covered in scribbles of Xboxes and crack.

Anyway, Hen Night draws a terrible version of the white rabbit from Alice In Wonderland. It fucks off, inviting the pair to join him, and we disappear down the rabbit's hole.

We magically arrive at a copyright infringement of the Mad Hatter's tea party. the Mad Hatter mistakes Hen Night for Alice, and hilarity ensues. Apparently.

Hen Night drinks some more Bacardi Breezer and instantly becomes about 100 ft tall. Inexplicably, she then decides it's a good idea to wander into the sea, where she encounters a ginger Poseidon, possibly a Scottish Poseidon. He throws a paddy when Hen Night, rather unwisely, repeats her earlier opinion that "Greek mythology is shit".

Scottish Poseidon shrinks her back down to normal size in the hope that she will then drown. Good. It's a close call, but sadly she is rescued by a homosexual dolphin and his trainer.

The three of them ride to Corinth, at which point I am beginning to wonder what the fuck Alice in Wonderland had to do with anything? Wasn't there a simpler way to transport Hen Night back to ancient Greece without copyright infringement?

The homosexual dolphin trainer offers Hen Night a job as a lap dancer, which she politely declines before getting the fuck out of there. Next she needs to draw some kind of transport to get her back to the tea party. Might I suggest an interdimentional portal? Or LSD?

In the end she plumps for a sodding horse, when she could just as easily have drawn a jet propelled car. A men in a leotard turns up, claiming to be called Clive or something, and asks if she can add wings to the horse, then he will steal it. I've read some Greek mythology, and I'm pretty sure that the Pegasus story didn't involve Su Pollard.

Clive is supposed to defeat some lion-goat thing, but instead of going to find a real one, the lazy fuck decides it will count if he just rubs out a drawing of one. Unbelievably, the rest of the kingdom accept this foolishness and declare Clive to be a hero, when all he did was throw some water about.

In a plot with more holes than a fishing net, Hen Night then chases the crappy rabbit back to the tea party where Carrot Voice is asleep, thanks to the Diazepam in his tea.

The pair make their excuses and leave back up the rabbit's hole, which looks too much like a diagram of an anal passage for my liking.

They arrive back in the classroom just as the teacher returns from his cigarette break. He has the same hair as Scottish Poseidon. Could it be? We'll never know.

Teacher/Poseidon sees that Hen Night and Carrot Voice haven't written a damn word, so declares they're not allowed any food for the rest of their lives, or until they write their stupid essays. He warns them that they might "miss their tea", at which Hen Night and Carrot Voice begin to laugh like epileptic morons. And that is the end. Nothing is explained.