10 things I learned from watching Spongebob Squarepants

I don't just watch Spongebob Squarepants because I have a mental age of five. I also watch it so I can hang on to something resembling a moral compass in my chaotic, cock-fighting life. I tell you, the Bible, the Qur'an, even Lord of the Rings have nothing on the teachings of the spongey guru.

1. Always look on the bright side of things - it's good to be optimistic

   Episode of note - every single one 

You never see Spongebob being a pessimistic, world loathing fuck. That's because Squidward was put in the sea to do just that. While Squidward is attempting to combust with anger, Spongebob can be found following the code set by Tony Robbins, Richard Simmons or similar. And things always turn out alright for Bob, while Squidward generally ends us with a face full of snail poo and his house repossessed.

2. Learn how to laugh at yourself

     Episode of note - "Squirrel Jokes"

It's all very well attempting to make yourself look big by making others look small, but you can guarantee in life that you can't laugh at yourself, everyone else will do it for you. No one ever thought badly of someone who fell over and laughed about it, but plenty thought badly of someone who fell over, then proceeded to cry, blame everyone else, and shit their pants.

3. Pursue your dreams, even if the money is terrible

Episode of note - "Help Wanted"

Spongebob spends his days at the Krusty Krab up to his elbows in grease, scrubbing out toilets, and having to work with Squidward. In one episode it is revealed that Spongebob had to pay Mr Krabs to let him work there in the beginning. Despite this, he's happier than I would be if someone paid me a million quid to go to Alton Towers for the day. Spongebob loves his job. The moral of this story? There's no point earning £10,000 a day if you go into work every morning feeling like... well... like Squidward.

4. One good turn deserves another

Episode of note - "Best Day Ever"

Bob has big plans. He's going to spend the entire day doing all the things he loves with all his best friends. But things don't go to plan, and instead Bob is forced to spend the day sorting out the above friends' individual catastrophes. Instead of branding him a doormat and demanding to borrow fivers, Bob's friends realise what he's done for them, and work together to give him an extra special end to the day (not a "happy ending", you filthy perverts). Spongebob ends up having a better time than, say, if he'd just stood around and let everyone die.

5. Never stop trying

Episode of note - any where Spongebob takes, and fails, his driving test

Spongebob will pass his driving test one day. This is a certainty. However, it wouldn't be a certainty if Spongebob gave up and decided to get the bus for the rest of his life instead. Where would we be if everyone decided to give up and 'get the bus'? Nothing great would ever be achieved, nothing great would have been invented, England would never have won the World Cup, and the buses would be awfully crowded.

6. You're braver than you think

Episode of note - "Roller Cowards"

People tell me I do brave things. I have tattoos, I go on rollercoasters. I've even been known to eat my mother's infamous sausage curry. I'm not a particularly brave person, in fact I'm scared of most things most of the time. However, I feel the fear and do it anyway. Once you make up your mind to do that, it's amazing what kind of things you can achieve. Whether it's riding the Fiery Fist O Pain, or asking out your crush, life becomes more exciting when the thought of possibly soiling yourself doesn't stop you. 

7. Don't fall for scams - or - if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is

Episode of note - "Karate Island"

"Spongebob, you've been crowned King of Karate despite not being very good. Please come and accept your award." "Jenny, I am a Nigerian prince who needs your help to transfer my vast fortune to the UK." "You, yes you, can lose three stone in just three days, by eating only chocolate!" "With my genuine magic powers, I can make the man of your dreams fall in love with you for only 6 easy payments of £1,999." Do you see?

8. Everyone has a talent

Episode of note - "Big Pink Loser"

We're not all supermodels, or nuclear physicists, or Olympic athletes. And trust me, it's not easy being all three. But Naomi Campbell couldn't understand quantum entanglement (or Quantum dishwashing powder). Stephen Hawking might never win 'Miss Butlins Bikini'. And I'm pretty sure Usain Bolt couldn't do a spot on impression of her majesty Mrs Queen. We all bring something different to the party, as Patrick finds out in this episode. He won't win any prizes trying to beat Spongebob at his game, but he wins one by playing his own game. He is the best at doing nothing, and doing nothing is definitely a talent. Again, trust me on that.

9. Don't try to be something you're not

Episode of note - "No Weenies Allowed"

On a similar note to above, it does not do to pretend to be something that goes against your very nature in order to impress someone else, or to prove a point. Not only will you probably fail and look stupid, but have you thought about what you'd do if you actually succeeded? No, neither have I, because I've never succeeded at anything. But suppose you did, are you prepared for this occurrence? Best case scenario - you'll have to keep up the pretense forever. Worst case scenario - you'll get injured and end up in Weenie Hut General with a boo-boo. Stick to who you are, and if people don't like it, chances are they suck and they're not worth your time anyway.

10. Sit there and do nothing, and the Magic Conch will take care of everything

Episode of note - "Club Spongebob"

If you ever find yourself stranded in the woods, you don't have to worry. Just ask the Magic Conch what you should do. If it says "do nothing", then that is what you must do. Have faith, and a picnic table full of food will eventually fall out of the sky. This last one was a bit of a joke, but thinking about it, I guess you could also say 'stop worrying so much, because things will generally turn out ok in the end'. Unless you don't have a Magic Conch, then you're screwed.