Care Bears - A friend for Frances

Good afternoon. I remember having this book when I was very small, and absolutely loving it. I was therefore surprised when the time came to acquire a new copy, and I found that it was actually really rare and could now only be found in America. Lord knows how small-me ended up with a copy. One of life's great mysteries. Anyhoo.

So lets bugger right off into a world of schizophrenic children, gambling and time travel in this timeless tome -

There are the Care Bears, and their job is to make you feel all fuzzy and shit. I like Good Luck Bear the best - not only is he upside down, but I like to imagine he would go with you to the betting shop, where he would provide you with a lucky punt, then the two of you would go to the pub to spend all your winnings on Guinness. Also of note is Grumpy Bear. I must say, I always wondered why Grumpy Bear was in this rabble, since his main message appears to be 'everything is crap'. because of this, I like him a lot. Obviously.

And now - onto the story!

Frances is starting at a new school, and is worried about not making any friends. This is because Frances is a loser, and a schizophrenic one at that, as we shall see presently. Is it me or does Frances' mother look younger than her?

Frances snogs her mother and heads to the bus stop.

Now we get to it. Frances, on a completely normal walk to the bus stop, is accosted by a green talking bear. She is not the least bit alarmed by this. "Oh, I had to kill those people, the green bear told me to!" 

Luckily, the green bear asks her to do no such thing (although she'll still probably make that bit up in court later). The bear just gives her a 4 leaf clover. Incidentally, where is her mother when all this is going on? The bus stop is only across the road, so surely her mother would have stood at the door and made sure she got on the bus safely. Perhaps she just can't stand the sight of Frances.

She turns to wave at the bear from the bus, but the bear has disappeared. I am so surprised right now.

Oh for fuck's sake! Frances is so goddamn passive aggressive it hurts. She sits at the back, like right at the back, where no one's been for about three years, then proceeds to bitch when no one talks to her. What's she going to do when she gets to school, lock herself in a cupboard and complain that no one is staring at her? Then she opens her pity party up properly - "Oh, I bet everyone's horrible, I bet everyone will try to kill me, I wish I'd never been born, no one understands me, waaah waaah waaah!"

Ok, maybe I'm being a bit harsh on a fictional 8 year old girl, but come on. Grrr.

Oh, so she had friends before did she? Now I really am surprised. Look, there she goes, into Being A Reasonable Person 101. Ignoring the spirit of the class completely, she begins to obsess over the girl at the pencil sharpener, who Frances wishes she was. She's pretty, and popular, with earrings to die for! In other words, she is a threat to Frances, and must be destroyed immediately. Probably.

Right. So because no one knows you yet, therefore can't make an in joke about you, you feel like everyone hates you. Chill the fuck out you whore.

Ermergerd! Popular girl Holly didn't get an in joke either! But Frances doesn't notice this, because she's busy with Schizo bear again. This time he is floating in mid air.

Oh wait, this is another bear, I see. So she has not just one imaginary bear stalker, but many. Good. 

"If you think about others your wish will come true." In other words, stop being such a selfish bitch Frances. You whore.

Frances eats lunch on her own, but shock horror, so does popular girl Holly! God Frances, do not befriend this girl. She will probably end up stealing your husband when you're grown up. Jus' sayin'.

God, she even has a better lunch box. Seriously Frances, watch out.

Wow, already Holly is being stalked by eager male admirers. oh wait no, They're being dicks.

"Get the fuck off our table" shouts one boy.

"Go fuck yourself" replies Holly.

Unfortunately, the boys then threaten to kill Holly, so she reluctantly leaves. Frances watches this, saying diddly squat. I'm torn here. Is Frances just a pathetic drip? Or has she seen the future courtesy of her magic talking bear friends, and decided to let Holly get killed, thus being able to keep her husband, in a weird Back To The Future knock off I may or may not have just invented?

Oh good, we're back to Frances and her imaginary friends now. Frances has an office chair in her garden, for some reason.

A wild hallucination appears. Frances actually seems surprised now. About fucking time. 

"Which one are you?" she asks. Not -

"Oh God, not again!"

"Am I really going crazy?"

"Where are my pills?"

Note what Frances says here - "I wanted to be nice...but no one talked to me. I was all alone and wished that someone would notice me. I felt awful" (said the accused in court, seven days after gunning down her classmates. "Also, the bear told me to do it.")

Hallucination bear tries to reason with Frances, telling her that Holly must be as unhappy as she is, despite being much, much prettier, and (as we find out later) much, much better at everything. Frances is left pondering while ginger bear scampers behind a tree to have a poo. Guess that answers that question then.

Oh godddd, sports day. the chance for unpopular kids to make loads of new friends. Did I mention that I saw a flying pig yesterday?

So, blah blah blah, Holly wins, of course she bloody does. Therefore, due to a fuck up by a previous runner that wasn't Frances' fault, everyone now loves Holly and hates Frances. 

After the racing fiasco, Frances tries to remember what the hallucination bears kept telling her, but it keeps slipping from her drug addled mind. Something about friends? Something about 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer'? That must have been it, she decides.

Ok, even I feel bad for Frances now. Holly has most probably ruined Frances' life (because, mark my words, she will steal her husband or something in the future). Shoot her now Frances! Now!

Holly tries to suck up to Frances to avoid getting shot in the future.

They make 'friends', but not really. Frances is just keeping Holly close. her diary reads -

"That bitch has no idea. She gave me a silver bracelet today, the idiot. I plan to sell it on Ebay after I've shot her in the future. Also, why do boys smell so much?"

The pair wander off to Frances' house do play dolls or some shit, while the Care Bears inexplicably do a conga behind a hedge. The end. I do hope Frances takes my advice though.