Rainbow - Is it true that milk comes from cow sex?

Once again I find myself apologising profusely for my latest absence, especially since I seem to have some new followers since my last post. I could give any number of reasons for not posting, but the truth is I'm just a bit crap.
Now then. I've never seen this episode of Rainbow before, but with a title like Where does milk come from? I couldn't pass up the opportunity to critique it in reasonable and adult manner.


Part 1 -

We begin by getting a bizarre view of life in the Rainbow house - Geoffrey has reservations about letting the others watch TV. He must think TV is a bad thing, despite BEING ON FUCKING TV HIMSELF.

Note that, when the TV is finally switched on, it's under the window where no one can see it anyway.

We are treated to a free milkshake recipe, courtesy of the Why Don't You rip of on the TV*

While George and Zippy are chatting away about how much they love milkshakes, Bungle appears to be having an existential crisis -

Look at that expression - it just screams "Oh God I'm nearly 40 and I'm Bungle for a living."

The gang decide to make milkshakes, but realise there is no milk left to shake. Luckily, Geoffrey saves the day by coming in and putting two pints down on the table, a table which he then tells the others to clear. God I love Geoffrey logic. 

George asks the bajillion dollar question - "Where does milk come from?" this is an ace question because it will inevitably lead to "Where do babies come from?" At least it will if it's got any sense.

NB - milk doesn't necessarily come from cows. I saw almond milk the other day. Although I didn't actually see the almonds being milked.

Yessssss, a film of some cows, I love cows, I...hang on, what the fuck is Geoffrey doing there? With a flat cap and a sinister smile? No wonder the cows are running away.

I wonder if cows know they're being milked? I wonder how they feel about it?

Ha, ha, ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha, Geoffrey just said "Sorry Mr Cow!" Mr Cow? I can see how he'd be having to apologise if he'd been trying to milk a bull.

Cut to a Lines And Shapes. I wonder what it's going to be? I predict it's going to be the Earth, after it got too hot and melted a bit -

I was wrong. I am ashamed.

Holy hell, how much milk did that cow produce? no wonder she looks so pleased with herself.

Thank god it's the interval now, I need a rest after all that excitement.

Part 2 -

Since the uploader has decided to be a bit of a dick today, here is the Youtube link to part 2 just to be on the safe side. Because I know you're all dying to watch part 2 so much.

Part 2!

Best. Song. Ever. Accompanied by some very fancy dancing courtesy of Geoffrey.

Bugger. When Bungle asks "how does the milk get into the bottle?", I genuinely thought he was going to ask "how does the milk get into the cow?" WHEN is Geoffrey going to explain about cow sex?

How I imagine cow sex.

There follows a rather nifty, Sesame Street style film, detailing the life cycle of a wild milk.

Wow. Rod Jane and freddy don't just know a song about milk, they know a song about actually being milk.These three really do know songs about everything. I bet they also know songs about European fishing policy and hotel employee union regulations.

Incidentally, who makes the best milk bottle? I'm voting for Freddy, just because I like Freddy the best. Plus, Freddy's bottle top hat is worn at a jaunty and rakish angle -

Back to the action. the guys are making milkshakes.** And then, ooh, Zippy and George are going to tell today's story! 

Why is Bungle always the milkmaid? I mean, only when a milkmaid is required, of course.***

I know this cow. This cow has moonlighted in several episodes. I hope she got paid Equity rates.

THIS. THIS SCENE RIGHT HERE -

This is what Rainbow's all about - two grown men, one in a bear suit, trying to wrestle a pantomime cow to the ground.

Hang on, they're feeding the cow milk so it will produce milk? On what planet will that help? That's like making a human being drink their own piss in order to be able to go. Also, eew.

The show ends rather abruptly. I think they got the cow milked in the end, although if there was any logic in the Rainbow universe, the cow would squirt grass as a result of being fed milk, since everything appears to be the wrong way round. if I ever have a pet cow, as is my ambition, I'll feed her properly, not with Bungle's crappy milkshake with hair in it.

* Fuck that recipe. For the best milkshakes, all you need is milk, ice cream, and my super duper electric whisk thingy. None of this fruit bullshit. Fruit is evil.

** Also, your milkshake might be more successful if you don't let Bungle anywhere near it. Less hairy.

*** I just remembered, George was a milkmaid once, in Tommy Tucker.