The Rainbow Pantomime – plenty of pants, plenty of mime

Shit just got festive here at World Of Crap, and I'd like to kick off the season of good cheer by writing about one of my favourite ever Rainbow episodes – The Colours Of The Rainbow. This was the gang's first attempt at a Christmas panto,

taking place a year before its more famous counterpart. It was featured on the

Christmas Rainbow VHS, along with Wrapping And Unwrapping and The Rainbow Nativity. I've written about those two episodes before, now it's time to complete the holy trinity.

Coming up in this episode -

Geoffrey pretending to be 10 -

Bungle dressed as a woman (again) -

Evil Zippy dressed as Julian Clary -

Nightmare fuel -

For those of you who want to watch along with me, here is the Youtube link, uploaded by LisaGlitters - LINK!

We begin with Evil Zippy, AKA 'The Yellow Dwarf', performing the most terrifying of rituals - poetry. Then the good guy, 'Fairy George', comes along and fucks Zippy's shit up by doing a rhyme about flowers or kittens or something. It's like the world's worst rap battle -

Next up we have Rod Jane and Freddy - after all, no Rainbow special would be complete without them. Jane appears to be wearing a bottle of Heinz tomato sauce -

So - some musical twiddling, and then stupid hairy Bungle Bonce crashes into the set on a tricycle. We would do better not to enquire as to why this is so. I think it's in the script, but you never know with Bungle.

Here is 'Dame Bungle', AKA Geoffrey's mother -

Rod Jane and Freddy proceed to take the piss out of her appearance for a bit, then bugger off somewhere, leaving Bungle to look for her son -

Bungle and Geoffrey keep missing each other, prompting Bungle to ask the viewers at home for help. She finaly collars her wayward son, only for him to nick her bike.

Back to Evil Zippy, who reveals his plan to steal all the colour from the world. If Zippy hates colour so much, maybe Rainbow wasn't the best choice of show for him to star in? Anyway, through magic and reasons, he manages to make the world completely greyscale -

That is, apart from the rainbow outside, which will be important later, and for some reason Geoffrey and Bungle themselves, but I don't think we're supposed to mention that. Sssssssshhhhhhh.

Bungle and Geoffrey are really pissed off that someone has nicked their colour, as they were planning to watch the test card on TV later, and now that won't be any fun.

Then, for reasons known only to Geoffrey, he works out that all the colour must now be in the rainbow, and that he'll somehow be able to get it back from there.

This new found determination/lunacy prompts a visit from Fairy George, rap battle runner up extrordinaire -

 

George brings with him a fresh supply of magic and reasons, and sends Geoffrey off to the land of red, to get some red.

This is where the nightmare fuel comes in -

Rainbow - inspiring terror since 1972.

Geoffrey's sojourn in hell works, and the red is returned to the house. Now Geoffrey must go score some orange, helped by Isaac Newton on a space hopper -

Isaac Newton also warns Geoffrey not to upset the Yellow Dwarf (Evil Zippy). This is unfortunate, because the very next thing Geoffrey has to do is find some yellow. This time he isn't transported to a weird yellow world. Instead, Evil Zippy rocks up in his kitchen, and recites a rather creepy poem -

"Not so fast, Geoffrey Hayes,

Out of this are many ways,

But not for you, my charming fellow,

For here you'll stay, and become quite yellow!”

Is it bad that I just wrote that whole thing from memory?

Anyway, Geoffrey tries to catch the Yellow Dwarf without success. When Geoffrey is good and knackered, Zippy relents and says he can have his yellow back if he'll sing the special rainbow song. But look out Geoffrey, it's a trap! As soon as he attempts to sing the song, Zippy gets pissed off and magics his voice away! Now Geoffrey is well and truly fucked.

Fortunately, Fairy George chooses that moment to reappear, and has brought with him enough magic and reasons for everyone. It transpires that if the kids at home can sing the rainbow song for Geoffrey, then he'll get his voice back, along with all the yellow he could ever want. The viewers are helped by Geoffrey pointing to the words of the song in picture form -

Next up - Green. Geoffrey finds himself at Center Parcs, accompanied by the Green Princess (a cross between Jane and the Jolly Green Giant) -

She sings him a song, and he falls asleep, and somehow that gets the green back.

When Geoffrey wakes up, he is no longer at Center Parcs, but at the North Pole, shivering his tits off -

Then the blue dude rocks up, looking for a hanky, which Geoffrey provides. There seems to be no way out of this one without enlisting the help of Fairy George. If Fairy George was so good, Geoffrey wouldn't have had to shout him in the first place.

Suddenly, Geoffrey is magically transported back into his kitchen, along with the blue guy and, inexplicably, orange guy and green woman as well -

 

What happens next is very clever - they manage to get round the problem of indigo and violet without having to shell out for any extra cast members. The blue guy melts, and we see that he's a bigger version of the yellow dwarf! And also Rod.

Then Evil Zippy appears again, and during the following conversation Rod and Zippy conveniently remember that they are actually father and son, and that Zippy's mother is called Indigo, and his sister is called Violet. Zippy declares that now he's found his Dad, he'll turn over a new leaf and help the poor and stuff. Absolutely nothing else is explained.

Fairy George crashes the party, and together the guys summon Dame Bungle. Why they needed to use magic to return her to her own house is beyond me. Also, we never learn where she's been this whole time, but we do get to see her knickers,

which I suppose is a bonus if you like that sort of thing.

We finish with a nice song about your dreams being at the end of the rainbow, and then everyone must say goodbye and go back to dull reality, boooo.

Fun facts about this episode -

1. Geoffrey and Bungle wrote the script (really - watch the credits).

2. I have seen this episode 16,597 times.

3. Geoffrey isn't really 10 years old, but uses special prosthetics to achieve this effect.

Rainbow annual 1993 - Aimee is an anarchic artist

A few years ago I bought the 1993 Rainbow annual at a car boot sale, never really realising what joy was contained within. I'm not entirely sure what name the scribbled inscription on the inside cover is supposed to say, but I think it's 'Aimee Randall'. Definitely Aimee something anyway. Whoever she is, she should be extremely proud, and it is my fervent hope that she has established a career for herself as a modern artist.

I found the following 'story to colour with crayons' nestled in the middle pages of the book. The story itself it called 'The Bookshop', and is pretty much what you'd expect - the gang go to a bookshop, Zippy loves himself and thinks everyone else should just fuck off, and Bungle is a fucking idiot.

The story wasn't what caught my interest - what caught my interest was the collection of pictures that 'Aimee Randall' had so meticulously coloured in. Lets have a look at the first one -

First of all, Zippy appears to have been pepper sprayed in his eyes. Secondly, all the books are green. Thirdly, why are Geoffrey's head and hands, one of Zippy's hands and the top of George's face purple? I know for a fact that 'Aimee Randall' had a pink pen, because look at Bungle's face. Instead of Geoffrey looking like a normal if slightly enthusiastic man, he looks like some kind of android that's been in a chemical accident. Fourthly, what I think was supposed to be a window is now just a load of blood smeared on the wall, thanks to 'Aimee Randall' and her artistic genius.

Next up, things go from bad to worse for our brave gang -

What the hell is going on here? Definitely George has caught Geoffrey's android acid burn disease, but is trying to put a brave face on it. There he is, trying to take his mind off his pain by reading a book about dinosaurs. Speaking of which - why is one dinosaur red, and the entire rest of it's universe is brown? This is clearly a bold statement about skin colour by 'Aimee Randall'. Meanwhile, Bungle has decided to become a goth. Look at him in his stupid black polo neck and matching gloves. I think he's looking for a book on Nihilism. Bungle's book will be easy to find now, because the artist hasn't decided to just make all the books look like a playing field. Zippy still pepper sprayed. No sign of Geoffrey - I think he's dead.

Wait no, Geoffrey's alive, at least I think he is -

Since he has absolutely no colour now and appears not to be in pain, I think this might be Geoffrey's ghost. I see Geoffrey's ghost is carrying a wallet full of marbles, which he seems proud of. Note that the sign which angrily orders you to PAY HERE is coloured bright red, perhaps a statement from our artist about Communism? Oh look, there appears to be a smaller, female ghost standing next to Geoffrey. That must be the uniform Ghosts wear. Meanwhile, Bungle is no longer a goth, but he does have a worrying infection on his scalp. here he is imagining himself being a doctor, like that would ever fucking happen, ever. No sign of Zippy and George. George presumed dead from android acid burn disease, Zippy presumed still pepper sprayed.

In my opinion, these works show a tremendous ability to predict trends in modern art, coupled with a vision and insight so rarely seen in Britain these days. Expect to see other masterpieces by 'Aimee Randall', including 'Pingu covered in blood', and 'Why are Sooty's legs all black? I didn't even know he had legs!' at Tate Modern this Autumn. 

Rainbow - Simon Says get the fuck over yourself

I've missed watching Rainbow episodes, but for a while I haven't really been watching anything except Price-Drop TV with the mister. This has been partly due to the hypnotic, almost snake like charm of one of their head presenters, Justin Hazel (a reincarnation of the very devil himself, and the subject of tomorrow's post) and our eagerness to acquire cheap knock off perfume, tanzanite rings in size P (and only in size P), and a knife which is so sharp it will chop up all your other knives, all for one high price. This goal achieved, I can now turn my attention back to men dicking about, and Jane.

Today's episode is called "Friendship" -

We begin by witnessing Zippy having a moan to a faceless, burnt looking monkey. Then he asks George to sing a song with him. George heartlessly denies this simple request, since he "is drawing". He can't draw and sing at the same time, because he is a GODDAMN IDIOT.

The phone rings, and George is still too busy being sat right next to the phone and listening to it ring to actually answer it. Luckily, Geoffrey arrives in the nick of time -

Look at it. Look at the faceless burnt out nuclear war monkey -

I think he probably lost his face in a bet somewhere. Or in 'Nam.

Anyway, on the phone is George's "friend" Tommy, who would like George to go have a look at his old comic collection. And to look at his puppies and kittens and stuff. Tommy probably wears a string vest and lives in a shed in the local park.

Next up is the postman, who apparently has a key to their house, since he just shoves the mail under the living room door -

The letter is for Bungle, and is either from the mother of Bungle's friend Simon, or from Bungle's friend, who happens to be Simon's mother. We shall never know. Before we get to the letter, we have to witness the unsavoury spectacle of Bungle trying to coerce Zippy into touching his matted and flea ridden back hair, a task which George is only too happy to undertake, despite being too busy to fucking sing a minute ago. This goes on while Zippy realises his only true friend is the 'Nam monkey, while Geoffrey looks on in a thoroughly depressed manner -

Seriously, look at 'Nam monkey -

Next on the phone is George's friend Elizabeth, who wants to come round and visit him. The mister, who watched this with me, was amazed that George has a female friend. When I pointed out that he was friends with Jane, he sort of made a noncommittal noise. Then stole some of my cashew nuts.

In the next scene, Zippy is moaning that no one loves him except 'Nam monkey, and that Geoffrey is too old to be his friend. Come on Zippy, true love knows no boundaries - just look at George and Tommy.

Next we have a very mediocre game of Simon Says, consisting of two rounds, both of which have Simon saying. Zippy is still feeling left out, but it's sort of ok because he still has 'Nam monkey, who will no doubt keep him entertained with stories of hookers he picked up in 'Nam.

This is the story, about dogs and balls -

We then have a heartwarming make up scene, in which George and Bungle make Zippy the worst "you're my friend" card in the world, and give it to him in one of Geoffrey's old envelopes he got from the Inland Revenue. I'm not sure why Bungle is looking so shocked -

Then, as per fucking usual, Rod Jane and Freddy turn up, completely uninvited. Jane looks mightily pissed off to see another woman on her turf -

However, she manages to cover this up semi successfully, and the gang all sing a song of Zippy's choosing. This is to, you know, make up for when they ignored him for five seconds earlier. Even the ones who weren't there to ignore him are apologising, and so they should.

Freddy just stands there looking a bit like Ian McShane -

And there our tale ends. It may not be one of the more life changing episodes of Rainbow, like the one where they had a real live breastfeeding woman, but I liked it. But then, I'd like Rainbow if all they did was set fire to an orphanage then share out some Nazi gold between themselves.

Rainbow - running away with the circus

Good evening. Today's Rainbow story is a moral tale about running away from your problems, and why you should never buy things from Teleshopping -

Rainbow - Is it true that milk comes from cow sex?

Once again I find myself apologising profusely for my latest absence, especially since I seem to have some new followers since my last post. I could give any number of reasons for not posting, but the truth is I'm just a bit crap.
Now then. I've never seen this episode of Rainbow before, but with a title like Where does milk come from? I couldn't pass up the opportunity to critique it in reasonable and adult manner.


Part 1 -

We begin by getting a bizarre view of life in the Rainbow house - Geoffrey has reservations about letting the others watch TV. He must think TV is a bad thing, despite BEING ON FUCKING TV HIMSELF.

Note that, when the TV is finally switched on, it's under the window where no one can see it anyway.

We are treated to a free milkshake recipe, courtesy of the Why Don't You rip of on the TV*

While George and Zippy are chatting away about how much they love milkshakes, Bungle appears to be having an existential crisis -

Look at that expression - it just screams "Oh God I'm nearly 40 and I'm Bungle for a living."

The gang decide to make milkshakes, but realise there is no milk left to shake. Luckily, Geoffrey saves the day by coming in and putting two pints down on the table, a table which he then tells the others to clear. God I love Geoffrey logic. 

George asks the bajillion dollar question - "Where does milk come from?" this is an ace question because it will inevitably lead to "Where do babies come from?" At least it will if it's got any sense.

NB - milk doesn't necessarily come from cows. I saw almond milk the other day. Although I didn't actually see the almonds being milked.

Yessssss, a film of some cows, I love cows, I...hang on, what the fuck is Geoffrey doing there? With a flat cap and a sinister smile? No wonder the cows are running away.

I wonder if cows know they're being milked? I wonder how they feel about it?

Ha, ha, ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha, Geoffrey just said "Sorry Mr Cow!" Mr Cow? I can see how he'd be having to apologise if he'd been trying to milk a bull.

Cut to a Lines And Shapes. I wonder what it's going to be? I predict it's going to be the Earth, after it got too hot and melted a bit -

I was wrong. I am ashamed.

Holy hell, how much milk did that cow produce? no wonder she looks so pleased with herself.

Thank god it's the interval now, I need a rest after all that excitement.

Part 2 -

Since the uploader has decided to be a bit of a dick today, here is the Youtube link to part 2 just to be on the safe side. Because I know you're all dying to watch part 2 so much.

Part 2!

Best. Song. Ever. Accompanied by some very fancy dancing courtesy of Geoffrey.

Bugger. When Bungle asks "how does the milk get into the bottle?", I genuinely thought he was going to ask "how does the milk get into the cow?" WHEN is Geoffrey going to explain about cow sex?

How I imagine cow sex.

There follows a rather nifty, Sesame Street style film, detailing the life cycle of a wild milk.

Wow. Rod Jane and freddy don't just know a song about milk, they know a song about actually being milk.These three really do know songs about everything. I bet they also know songs about European fishing policy and hotel employee union regulations.

Incidentally, who makes the best milk bottle? I'm voting for Freddy, just because I like Freddy the best. Plus, Freddy's bottle top hat is worn at a jaunty and rakish angle -

Back to the action. the guys are making milkshakes.** And then, ooh, Zippy and George are going to tell today's story! 

Why is Bungle always the milkmaid? I mean, only when a milkmaid is required, of course.***

I know this cow. This cow has moonlighted in several episodes. I hope she got paid Equity rates.

THIS. THIS SCENE RIGHT HERE -

This is what Rainbow's all about - two grown men, one in a bear suit, trying to wrestle a pantomime cow to the ground.

Hang on, they're feeding the cow milk so it will produce milk? On what planet will that help? That's like making a human being drink their own piss in order to be able to go. Also, eew.

The show ends rather abruptly. I think they got the cow milked in the end, although if there was any logic in the Rainbow universe, the cow would squirt grass as a result of being fed milk, since everything appears to be the wrong way round. if I ever have a pet cow, as is my ambition, I'll feed her properly, not with Bungle's crappy milkshake with hair in it.

* Fuck that recipe. For the best milkshakes, all you need is milk, ice cream, and my super duper electric whisk thingy. None of this fruit bullshit. Fruit is evil.

** Also, your milkshake might be more successful if you don't let Bungle anywhere near it. Less hairy.

*** I just remembered, George was a milkmaid once, in Tommy Tucker.

Just a quick update -

This weekend marks my one year anniversary of occasionally spewing out some half hearted nonsense about shows no one remembers. To celebrate I shall be doing a review of the Rainbow Christmas Pantomime, hooray! I know for a fact that this particular festive piece is massively popular, because I have sold three copies of it on video to three different people in three days. My dad suggested these people were panic buying for Christmas, but really - can you think of any occasion that would demand the urgent acquisition of a 1987 festive transvestite festival like this? Me neither. Christmas or not, the whole thing is on Youtube anyway. Actually I don't have much room to talk - I was the one who owned three copies of this video in the first place.

In the meantime, here is a lovely photo of Geoffrey dressed as his own mother -