The Rainbow Pantomime – plenty of pants, plenty of mime

Shit just got festive here at World Of Crap, and I'd like to kick off the season of good cheer by writing about one of my favourite ever Rainbow episodes – The Colours Of The Rainbow. This was the gang's first attempt at a Christmas panto,

taking place a year before its more famous counterpart. It was featured on the

Christmas Rainbow VHS, along with Wrapping And Unwrapping and The Rainbow Nativity. I've written about those two episodes before, now it's time to complete the holy trinity.

Coming up in this episode -

Geoffrey pretending to be 10 -

Bungle dressed as a woman (again) -

Evil Zippy dressed as Julian Clary -

Nightmare fuel -

For those of you who want to watch along with me, here is the Youtube link, uploaded by LisaGlitters - LINK!

We begin with Evil Zippy, AKA 'The Yellow Dwarf', performing the most terrifying of rituals - poetry. Then the good guy, 'Fairy George', comes along and fucks Zippy's shit up by doing a rhyme about flowers or kittens or something. It's like the world's worst rap battle -

Next up we have Rod Jane and Freddy - after all, no Rainbow special would be complete without them. Jane appears to be wearing a bottle of Heinz tomato sauce -

So - some musical twiddling, and then stupid hairy Bungle Bonce crashes into the set on a tricycle. We would do better not to enquire as to why this is so. I think it's in the script, but you never know with Bungle.

Here is 'Dame Bungle', AKA Geoffrey's mother -

Rod Jane and Freddy proceed to take the piss out of her appearance for a bit, then bugger off somewhere, leaving Bungle to look for her son -

Bungle and Geoffrey keep missing each other, prompting Bungle to ask the viewers at home for help. She finaly collars her wayward son, only for him to nick her bike.

Back to Evil Zippy, who reveals his plan to steal all the colour from the world. If Zippy hates colour so much, maybe Rainbow wasn't the best choice of show for him to star in? Anyway, through magic and reasons, he manages to make the world completely greyscale -

That is, apart from the rainbow outside, which will be important later, and for some reason Geoffrey and Bungle themselves, but I don't think we're supposed to mention that. Sssssssshhhhhhh.

Bungle and Geoffrey are really pissed off that someone has nicked their colour, as they were planning to watch the test card on TV later, and now that won't be any fun.

Then, for reasons known only to Geoffrey, he works out that all the colour must now be in the rainbow, and that he'll somehow be able to get it back from there.

This new found determination/lunacy prompts a visit from Fairy George, rap battle runner up extrordinaire -

 

George brings with him a fresh supply of magic and reasons, and sends Geoffrey off to the land of red, to get some red.

This is where the nightmare fuel comes in -

Rainbow - inspiring terror since 1972.

Geoffrey's sojourn in hell works, and the red is returned to the house. Now Geoffrey must go score some orange, helped by Isaac Newton on a space hopper -

Isaac Newton also warns Geoffrey not to upset the Yellow Dwarf (Evil Zippy). This is unfortunate, because the very next thing Geoffrey has to do is find some yellow. This time he isn't transported to a weird yellow world. Instead, Evil Zippy rocks up in his kitchen, and recites a rather creepy poem -

"Not so fast, Geoffrey Hayes,

Out of this are many ways,

But not for you, my charming fellow,

For here you'll stay, and become quite yellow!”

Is it bad that I just wrote that whole thing from memory?

Anyway, Geoffrey tries to catch the Yellow Dwarf without success. When Geoffrey is good and knackered, Zippy relents and says he can have his yellow back if he'll sing the special rainbow song. But look out Geoffrey, it's a trap! As soon as he attempts to sing the song, Zippy gets pissed off and magics his voice away! Now Geoffrey is well and truly fucked.

Fortunately, Fairy George chooses that moment to reappear, and has brought with him enough magic and reasons for everyone. It transpires that if the kids at home can sing the rainbow song for Geoffrey, then he'll get his voice back, along with all the yellow he could ever want. The viewers are helped by Geoffrey pointing to the words of the song in picture form -

Next up - Green. Geoffrey finds himself at Center Parcs, accompanied by the Green Princess (a cross between Jane and the Jolly Green Giant) -

She sings him a song, and he falls asleep, and somehow that gets the green back.

When Geoffrey wakes up, he is no longer at Center Parcs, but at the North Pole, shivering his tits off -

Then the blue dude rocks up, looking for a hanky, which Geoffrey provides. There seems to be no way out of this one without enlisting the help of Fairy George. If Fairy George was so good, Geoffrey wouldn't have had to shout him in the first place.

Suddenly, Geoffrey is magically transported back into his kitchen, along with the blue guy and, inexplicably, orange guy and green woman as well -

 

What happens next is very clever - they manage to get round the problem of indigo and violet without having to shell out for any extra cast members. The blue guy melts, and we see that he's a bigger version of the yellow dwarf! And also Rod.

Then Evil Zippy appears again, and during the following conversation Rod and Zippy conveniently remember that they are actually father and son, and that Zippy's mother is called Indigo, and his sister is called Violet. Zippy declares that now he's found his Dad, he'll turn over a new leaf and help the poor and stuff. Absolutely nothing else is explained.

Fairy George crashes the party, and together the guys summon Dame Bungle. Why they needed to use magic to return her to her own house is beyond me. Also, we never learn where she's been this whole time, but we do get to see her knickers,

which I suppose is a bonus if you like that sort of thing.

We finish with a nice song about your dreams being at the end of the rainbow, and then everyone must say goodbye and go back to dull reality, boooo.

Fun facts about this episode -

1. Geoffrey and Bungle wrote the script (really - watch the credits).

2. I have seen this episode 16,597 times.

3. Geoffrey isn't really 10 years old, but uses special prosthetics to achieve this effect.

Mars, cucumbers and holidaying in Norfolk - my top 10 Rod Jane and Freddy songs

Regular readers will know that I love Rainbow. I would marry it if I could. But then, I'm a terrible one for wanting to marry things you can't actually marry – last night I bought a jar of gingerbread flavoured coffee syrup, and I just stood in the kitchen hugging it until the mister got jealous. I should explain that I've been looking for that stuff for a long time, not that I just found it attractive.

That whole thing sounded better in my head.

Anyway. I love Rainbow, but I don't write much about Rod Jane and Freddy, the show's veteran musical group, because I am usually too busy writing about Bungle's nipples or something.

Rod, Jane and Freddy were mostly famous for knowing songs about bloody everything ever, from going to India to being a milk bottle. In a moment of boredom, I started thinking about my favourite RJF songs. At first I didn't know if I'd be able to come up with ten, but then I began to realise how much their songs stuck in my mind. Sometimes I do catch myself trying to hum their tunes, which is difficult because they generally change octave about six times per song, due to all three of them having solo parts. With all the harmonies going on, you never quite know which bit you're supposed to be singing at any given moment. I suppose I could get really good at science and invent cloning so i can sing all of it, but I'm not that bothered.

Here are my ten favourite RJF songs - my choices are based on which ones have the catchiest tunes, which ones I loved as a kid, and ones where Rod has fetching hair in the video. Look out for videos where Freddy looks particularly like Lovejoy.

1. “If you're going camping too” - from Camping preparation

This song seriously has about four notes in it the whole way through, but I challenge you to hear it and not find yourself singing it later on today. Bonus points for Freddy's shorts.

2. “On the narrow boat” - from Journey on a narrow boat

The most chilled out song you will ever hear, and matching jumpers for good measure.

3. “We're all together” - from Journey by coach

Catchy as hell, but what really makes this song special is its appearance in another episode, enabling Bungle to fanny about pretending to be Jane -

4. “Da di da di dum dum” - from The hare and the tortoise

An inspiring song about trying to do stuff, because you never know, you might not actually fail miserably. A few years ago, this song was my morning alarm call on my phone, and now I can't hear it without feeling a bit weird and sleepy, but I still love it.

5. “The bits n pieces song” - from Music

The most obviously dubbed over song in the world, but oh so jaunty. Wins a prize for the kazoo solos alone.

6. “Red Balloon” - from Daydreaming

A lovely song with a failure to grasp even the most basic principles of space travel.

7. “Sports day” - from (unsurprisingly) Sports day

Bonus points for shorts again, and also for having Geoffrey dicking about in the background. Plus, they point out that the best you'll probably ever do is to come last at everything. It's like they've met me.

8. “You're not helping” - from Helping out

Not sure of the proper title, but it's an intricate rock opera about Alice trying to get a tea party ready while the mad hatter and the hare dick about and keep getting in the way. Watch out for the part where Freddy, dressed as the hare (in an overgrown Pipkins nightmare) shouts “cucumbers!” for no apparent reason.

9. “Lions and tigers” - from Lions and tigers

Peril! The gang get their Steve Irwins on and sing about the dangers of being in the jungle. Why Rod is trying to be Vincent Price or something at the start is a mystery.

10. “Having a picnic” - from Day in the country

Another song I loved as a kid. Bonus points for having Geoffrey sing along. They point out in the song that the birds can sing along if they want to, but they fail to realise that they've probably scared all the birds away with their banjoing.

Maybe I'll do a part 2 to this, because I keep finding songs I'd forgotten about. And obviously I need to write about Rod Jane and Freddy's various Christmas offerings. I won't do it right now though, I have a Toblerone to eat first.

Also, why not follow my blog – it gives my meaningless life a sense of validation.