Talent Show On Button Moon

The other day, my esteemed colleagues were having a conversation about Button Moon. This reminded me that I haven't written about Button Moon for a long time. I don't know why – it's easily the best show that was apparently funded entirely from loose change found down the back of the producer's sofa.

Anyway. Since I discovered one of my bosses is a fan of the 'Moon, I decided to write this post in the hope they'll decide not to sack me for being boring and always going on about my blog at work.

This episode is called 'Talent Show On Button Moon'. I'm so excited about watching this, I might wee my pants. This is how I imagine people felt when they watched the moon landings, or the Berlin wall being torn down, or 'Who shot Archie?' on Eastenders.

Here is the video link for watch along - LINK!

In the intro, Button Moon appears to be decorated with bunting made out of various... wait, I don't know what they're called. The foil things you get inside packs of butter that ask if you want a free apron, for only the cost of 12 packs of Lurpak? Those.

Mrs Spoon is allowed to drive the beansmobile today. This is truly flying the flag for women's rights. See, militant feminists? Not all men should have their dicks cut off. Mrs Spoon is driving, without crashing or anything! And Mr Spoon let her do it! God bless him.

I see Egbert and Tina aren't at school, yet again. Still, I guess in their days off they'll have learned a basic grasp of astrophysics and engineering, which is surely better than learning to spell 'cat'.

We land on Button Moon, and a walking, talking bottle is running around putting up those shit Lurpak flags, and moaning about the fact that they're having a talent contest. This is generally what Simon Cowell does when Britain's Got Talent comes back for yet another series.

A bottle is running round organising everything. Who gave him that job? A bottle has no arms or legs, according to popular culture.

Now we meet 'Bottle' properly, who is nervous about being in the show. Oh, he's in the show? No doubt he's just doing all the setting up to win brownie points with the judges than. I mean, he's obviously organised it all, so he's a dead cert to win. Only he wants to make absolutely sure, so he gets the viewers' pity votes in as a fall back. Just like on Britain's Got Talent.

I'm going to stick my neck out and say that Rag Doll and Freddy Teddy are going to be two of the contestants. This is because these two show up whenever there is any sort of competition. Rag Doll usually does something to teach us that cheats never prosper, a fact she repeatedly fails to grasp herself.

A brief aside: if this post doesn't make any sense – and I suspect it doesn't – that's because I had one hour's sleep last night.

Back to the action. Wait, did that bottle just say the contest is taking place in the Button Moon bar?

Incidentally, if Bottle is so nervous, can he calm himself down by drinking his own contents? Or would that be like drinking your own urine? It doesn't matter, since he seems to be a bottle of bleach or something. In that case, would drinking his own contents kill him? Hey, I don't have a philosophy degree for nothing.

I've also just realised that the bottle who is organising everything and the nervous bottle are in fact two different bottles. Oh well. I stand by all my previous statements, as I am too lazy to go back and change anything.

Oh, he said the barn, not the bar -

Ha ha, right on cue!

I am feeling so proud of myself right now.

Meanwhile, the big bottle's name is 'Captain Large'. Snort.

Artistic tensions are running high backstage, as Rag Doll gets into an argument with some posh bint.

YES! Strike two for me!

I think the Spoon family are the only ones in the audience. Once they are seated, the contest begins. Oh god, I really want the singing pens to win. I like pens.

Meanwhile, the little bottle is still nervous. Is it too early in the proceedings to say that I think he's going to win? And not because I've seen this episode before, because I haven't. Call it a sixth sense if you want, but I just have a feeling.

Next up we have a clown doing fuck knows what, then Rag Doll accidentally on purpose sabotages that bitch from earlier's act by not letting her onto the stage. But she's soon foiled and the bitch does some sort of poem about a rabbit nicking her ice cream -

My greedy little rabbit,

First he took a lick,

Then he took my ice cream,

And stuck it on his dick.

I'm paraphrasing.

It's now the little bottle's turn, but he still has stagefright, so Rag Doll nicks his go. She does some disco dancing that is actually pretty awesome. It's certainly better than that shit poem.

Finally, the moment you've all been waiting for! No, not the end of the episode – THE LITTLE BOTTLE'S ACT! It's rubbish – he just garbles 'The Grand Old Duke Of York' really quickly and then runs off the stage. If I was in charge of the show I would disqualify him for wasting everyone's time.

Ooooh, the winners are announced, and the little bottle has only come third! There goes my theory. Ok then, I still don't think Rag Doll or her arch enemy will win, so that leaves the clown or the singing pens. I really hope it's the pens. Nothing against the clown, I just really like pens.

In second place – the clown that did fuck knows what. My favourites are poised to win!

Here it comes – in first place... The Button Moon Pencils! Oh wait, they're pencils, not pens. I don't care, I like pencils too. I don't mind admitting that I actually did a bit of a fist pump when I heard the winner. I'm getting into this episode, don't judge me.

Rag Doll and her arch enemy put their differences aside and declare the contest to be rigged, or something. And then the Spoon family go home, and that's it. I think the moral of today's story is that, even if an act is a bit shit, they will still get placed as long as one of their parents is organising the contest. And also that you just can't beat singing pencils.

Frozen Udders on Button Moon

I realise that every time I say I'm going to update this blog regularly because I'm happy, something inevitably comes around to fuck my shit up. So I shall make no promises this time, except that one day I will get my Jerry Beads. Anyway.

Today's show is "Cold Cows on Button Moon". Now, as you know, I effing love cows, so this should be a cinch for me right? Wrong. There aren't any actual cows in it for ages, although Rag Doll is a bit of a metaphorical cow. So, here we go!

The moon is so cold that Mr Spoon's bollocks have fallen off! Also, it is so cold that the moon has turned blue! This is exciting, because as we know, this even only happens, well, once in a blue moon. Really, all it means is that there's a different colour button today.

It's cold is pretty much what I'm trying to say. We find the Spoon family dressed like refugees, and drinking mugs of soup even though they have no mouths.

Check out the 80s phone in the spaceship. I do love that phone.

Back to the plot - "Tina wonders who they're going to see on Button Moon." If you cast your minds back to five seconds ago, we saw the ENTIRETY of Button Moon, and there was no one on it. So my guess is no one. You whore.

"Tina thinks the snow looks like pieces of white tissue paper." Maybe because it is?

They all just go back into the spaceship. What a waste of time.

Now we're looking through the telescope at Earth. So. Instead of just staying on Earth and looking at things with your eyes, you decide to be an intergalactic peeping tom? Can't argue with that.

What are they going to see? My guess is some cows. Some cold cows. Just a hunch.

Oh lordy we're in the jungle! And there's a...jungle mouse? What?

Look out mouse, there's a pelican crossing! HA!

Sorry, Lorna the hippo? I happen to have a friend called Lorna who makes me look like a big swamp monster, and I don't think she would take very kindly to a hippo being named in her honour. Oh well, what can I do about it? i'm not the boss of Button Moon.

Wait, and now Lorna the hippo is making sex noises? Eew.

Oh dear, Pelican is in Lorna's spot. Why doesn't she just wash herself in a flower? Or why not just bugger off? Also, why does the hippo have a name and the pelican doesn't? The pelican being called Pelican is like me being called Human. Sort of.

Oh god, now the pelican is doing sex noises - apparently because of a banana on a string.

A crocodile arrives. He says "Oh yeah baby, there's enough room for both of us, why don't you and your curves slip in beside me and get all dirty?" (cue Barry White music)

Oh, and apparently that's the end of that. The crocodile isn't going to try anything on with the hippo. Or kill her as nature intended.

Back to the rocket.

We move to Candlewick field, and, oh here we go - perverted farmer Teddy! he is just constantly getting off on everything, my god. Even hay.

Wait a second - the whistle is frozen up, so he just half heartedly says "toot toot!" Yeah, like that'll work. Please refer to my post on "Daddy Egbert's ding a ling" to see why making stupid noises in place of commercial machinery does not work.

YES! COWS! I like cows. It briefly occurred to me that I could make these very same cows out of rubbish I saved, but then I thought no, I'm nearly 30 with responsibilities. Then I cried a bit.

Even though Ragdoll is making uncalled for sex noises, I love her again. She brought the cows some wellies. Ours is a love-hate relationship.

Note the uncontrollable shaking and hysterical laughter when she mentions pervy farmer teddy.

Perv Teddy is on his way top Candlewick Field. Just as soon as the producer can push the train there. Hahahaha at the Rainbow book as a tunnel - they really did have a budget of 33p.

It must be noted that I don't really really think that Freddy Teddy is a perv, just that he is hopelessly in love with RagDoll, and is frustrated as a result. Thus, everything he says sounds like a come on.

Hey, what? Are they getting hay from the previously barren Button Moon to take to the cows? Who apparently have no hay on EARTH? What.

(I was going to write something there, but then I needed to go for a wee and my train of thought was lost.)

Obligatory shot of cows for pure awesomeness, while the Spoon family climb into the fucking tardis.

Anyway - RagDoll is kind of quiet and staring off into the distance after her accident. I'll let you draw your own conclusions from that. Although she does edge closer to Perv teddy towards the end, the big tease.

Aww. End.

Daddy Egbert's ding a ling

Just a small review today, on a piece of bizarre loveliness in the form of a Button Moon episode. I don't often watch Button Moon, what with my double career as head of the World Trade Organisation and top oven glove model. Nevertheless, I consider it my duty to occasionally spy on Mr Spoon and his menagerie of kitchen utensils. Sometimes there is a cow, I like cows. Sadly not in this episode. This episode centres around Daddy Egbert being thrown off the dole and being forced to GET A JOB!

The excitement begins with Mr Spoon and Spoon Junior talking to Daddy Egbert (hereafter referred to as D.E.) and normal Egbert about D.E.s new job as an ice cream man. D.E. is wearing a flat cap like a proper working man. Mummy Egbert is probably locked in the coal hole.

Then normal Egbert fannies on about liking ice cream or something, while Spoon Junior stands rigid, as if frozen by an evil curse. Apparently not, she was just bored.

Mrs Spoon is finally allowed out of the house, and announces that she has to stay at home today and lay the carpet in the spare bedroom. "No no, she definitely wants to" she insists, for the benefit of D.E. "It's definitely not because Mr Spoon is embarrassed by my strange afro."

The gang, with the exception of D.E., go up to space in a tin of beans. Because the children shouldn't be at school or anything like that. Perhaps it's like Armageddon, where the kids are brought up on some kind of weird space oil rig.

At this point I do wonder why we pay so much for research into interplanetary travel. Here we have a remarkably cheap prototype of a rocket that operates using ONE button. Anyway.

The tin of beans lands on Button Moon, where we encounter a teddy bear with the voice of a perverted farmer. He's being boring and trying to wake up his friend who is obviously dead inside the toybox. Blah blah blah, the friend's not dead, hooray, blah blah blah...

I've just remembered, this is the episode with the lion. It gets MUCH better.

The perverted farmer has bought his girlfriend a bloody doorbell, and she thinks it's a fitting return gift to invite him on safari. She obviously doesn't get many presents.

"I'm going to get the dumper truck" she cries, somewhat inexplicably.

Leaving the egg and spoon freaks behind, the pair drive into the safari park. Only then do they remember that they are supposed to be in a roofed vehicle, for their own safety. And now there is a scary lion growling at them from about three feet away. And it's one badass lion -

The pair understandably shit their pants, but are rescued in the nick of time by... that crappy doorbell. Why did they bring it with them to a safari park? "Oh we don't need a roof, fuck it, but you've got another thing coming if you think I'm idiot enough to set foot in there without some kind of device that lets me know I have a visitor." For god's sake.

Then the most amazing thing happens. Seriously, the most amazing television event that has ever taken place. Take my advice - arrange a night in, get some friends round,maybe some beers, and spend the night hitting the rewind button. You will never get tired of this, and your parties will be the stuff of legend for years to come. Are you ready?

The noise of the doorbell makes the lion fucking EXPLODE!!!!

I'm not entirely sure what else I can say about this episode, or in fact any show ever. It seems to me as if TV perfection has been achieved right here, and that to write anything further would be a pointless as pissing in my own pants. No matter, I will think of some crap to write about the now obviously anticlimactic ending. On we go.

There are some more animals, including a snail, which is a bit of a shit attraction at a safari park if you ask me.

Then we check in on Mr Spoon and his extended family, who are perving on people with a telephoto lens. Egbert spots his dad IN TROUBLE! His van has broken down, meaning he can't do the ice cream round after all! What Egbert didn't see was D.E. removing the fan belt from the engine in order to have an excuse to go home for the day.

"Luckily" for D.E., the gang fly down to help him, and suggest that he uses the tin of beans as a makeshift ice cream van. "Ah, but the chimes, no one will know I'm here without the chimes" replies D.E. No problem D.E., you can use the crappy lion exploding doorbell! Hooraay!

You can see D.E.visibly fuming as, instead of being allowed to go home with pay, he is now forced to drive his interfering neighbour's death trap around, all the time with people wondering why he keeps pressing that bloody doorbell.

The moral of this story, children, is never help anyone ever, because they don't fucking want your help, ok?