The Right Said Fred annual - Fred, George and Alan.

LOOK WHAT I GOT FOR CHRISTMAS!

Now, I'm not sure why the mister bought me this - either he knows me better than I know myself, or he loves old, crap things as much as I do (which could be why he's going out with me). Either way, he bought it for me, and it cost him one quid. At a rate of 0.5 pence a laugh, I'd say we've had our money's worth out of this book. That is to say, we've had exactly 200 laughs so far.

Let us step into the heady, bald world of Right Said Fred, in their very first annual!

Look at them - Fred, Said, and Alan Davies.

We are greeted by the following introduction -

First, and apparently only. I guess that's why there wasn't a year on the cover.

Up first we have "Off Duty", which shows the guys relaxing in their spare time. That is, their spare time when they also happen to be posing for annual photos. This section shows us Said's favourite hobby -

"I like to stand on my heels for as long as I can manage. So far, my record is 36 hours!"

Next up, we have "Quote Unquote", citing the guys' words of wisdom. Of note in this section -

Now, call me an old cynic, but I'm not sure that this entirely true, when you consider that Richard and Fred were contestants on Celebrity Fantasy Homes, hosted short lived Channel 5 game show The Desert Forges (Richard only), and that they were also lined up to be on I'm A Celebrity, but "the pair did not make it onto the show".

We move on. We arrive at "The Interview", featuring a picture of Fred/Richard going into labour -

And a picture of Fred/Richard having forgotten to get out of his pyjamas -

 Also in "The Interview" is this rare gem, taken from Fred/George/Alan -

"My thumbnail impressions were that America is a foreign country..."

Ya think?

Page 28 brings us the fascinating "20 things you never knew about RSF", including -

- Fred once had the word "bellend" tattooed on his head for a laugh. He subsequently had the tattoo removed, at a cost of £4000. He wasn't laughing by then!

- All three band members share the same mother - Mollie Sugden, of Are You Being Served? fame.

- Richard is allergic to cauliflower, and also to his brother Fred.

Page 36 gives us the marvellous behind the scenes exclusive - "WHERE, WHEN AND HOW THOSE LAUGH-A-MINUTE VIDS WERE SHOT"

I can't say I spotted many laughs, or any, in fact. The main facial expression in the two page spread seemed to be this -

 Also, is that Richard Osman of Pointless fame in the band?

 Page 42 brings us the RSF Suoperfan Challenge - a quiz for die-hard RSF fans, namely the band members and their mums. Questions include -

- How many children does Richard have in foster care?

- Why was Fred thrown out of McGregor's fishing supplies and sundries?

- What is the guys' combined hat size?

Having looked through it, I can't tell you my emotions upon receiving this present. Pleased is not the word! Confused is maybe nearer to it.

Childhood stuff #11 - the original youtube

When I say to people "Do you remember poster art?" they say "but art on posters is around now, silly!" Then they look at me.
When I say "Do you remember poster tubes?" they say "what, the things you get from the post office to send posters in?" Then they look at me.
When I say "Do you remember poster art tubes?" they just look at me.

Short version - no one ever remembers poster art tubes except me. But they were rife during the 80s and 90s, a winning combination of art, colouring in, and, erm, tube.  After a while, even I started to think I might have imagined the whole thing, UNTIL LAST WEEK! Because I found this in a charity shop -

As you can see, or maybe not, this one is "from Katy Nelson", not that that really matters. 

Recognise these? Or are you more like my idiot friends? I do hope not, because I hate most of my friends.

Poster art tubes were a very simple idea - a cardboard tube containing a few rolled up colouring pages, and some wax crayons. Normally only three or four wax crayons, and never in the colours you need. For example, there was never a black one or a purple one, which meant you could never colour in someone who had a bruise. If you ever needed to.

But every kid I knew loved them, and any trip to the market/shops/seaside/anywhere resulted in acquiring a new one. They were generally themed around the film, TV and music fads of the day, so when I used to get them they were things like Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles and Thundercats. Nowadays they would probably be things like Justin Bieber and stabbing.

This Barbie tube is surprisingly good quality which made me suspicious, so I checked the year and it's from 2002. I had no idea they were making these that recently, but it does explain the marginally better quality of the contents. I'm surprised it doesn't have a rolled up laptop in it.

Speaking of the contents, first we have the colouring pages -

Please excuse the corners being held down with whatever I had to hand

I'm only showing one of the four because let's face it, they're all pictures of Barbie. A3 size, with lots of little details for you to get to work on with your wax crayons. Speaking of which -

SIX CRAYONS! Holy hell I've hit the jackpot! Still no black or purple, but not a bad choice of colours. And at least there's a pink one, which is kind of necessary for Barbie colouring.

Now I've got my hands on a poster tube again, I'm not exactly sure what to do with it. I could colour in the pages and stick them on my wall like you're supposed to, but I'm running out of wall space thanks to the cardboard Halloween decorations I won in an arcade in Scarborough. Do not judge me.

Also - I wonder if the makers of Pringles got the idea from poster art tubes? I wonder if they were pioneering enough to realise that everything is more fun when it comes in a tube? They probably were.

Why you should look through old catalogues...

The other day I bought a disc containing four old Argos catalogues from Ebay. I bought them because I wanted to look through the obsolete electronics (Amstrad Mega PC anyone?), laugh at the horrible patterned sofas, and spot all the toys I had as a child. I did all this, but I also received an unexpected bonus, in the form of a Gladiator-before-the-days-of-Gladiators -

Did you spot him? YES! Gladiator Wolf, from "off of Gladiators" fame, being manly and showing off just what he can do with a set of Argos dumbbells! There he is in all his glory, modelling #12 - 'Weider 34kg vinyl barbell/dumbell set'. As if that wasn't enough - LOOK -

There he is again on the left, this time modelling #4 - 'DP "Challenger" 33kg barbell and dumbell weight lifting set'. he certainly looks more convincing than that skinny dude modelling #9.

PS - also of interest are the three women all sharing one exercise bike on the second page. No one seems to do that these days, sadly.

100th post! Also - On the trail of the mythical Brown Derby

Have you ever thought to yourself "there just aren't enough restaurant franchises named after minor characters in Popeye"? Me too, which is why I was so thrilled to recently discover that Wimpy is still in business!

The Wimpy bar in my town closed down well over a decade ago and, although I'd heard rumours of Express Wimpys haunting various service stations and bowling alleys, I'd given up on my dream of ever finding another proper sit down Wimpy bar.

Until last week! After some careful research (typing 'wimpy' into Google), I was amazed to discover a Wimpy restaurant in Newark, a mere 15 miles from me! Now, I've been led on Wimpy related wild goose chases before, so I checked with people I knew from the area that the internet wasn't lying to me. They confirmed that the Wimpy was real, so me and the mister set off to find this mythical Shangri-La.

Let me backtrack. For those of you who aren't familiar with Wimpy, here is its entire life story. For those of you who don't have time to fanny about on Wikipedia, think McDonalds, but with cutlery and waitress service. And chips, proper chips, not fries. Wimpy is what McDonalds in Britain would have been if everyone still had elevenses and wore bowler hats to work.

Their signature dish was the sausage based 'Bender in a Bun' (jokes too obvious for human consumption). Also on the menu were fish n chips, burgers, hot puddings, and the donut and ice cream combo known as a Brown Derby (which my boyfriend swears is a euphemism).

So, we drove to Newark, and shuffled our way past various pound shops looking vaguely lost.

AND THEN -

I don't mind admitting that I did a little dance in the street at this point. Finally, I was going to succeed where so many brave explorers before me had failed. This is what Howard Carter must have felt like, only he couldn't even have a Brown Derby.

The decor inside was pretty much the same as I remembered it from the 1990s, which was a nice bonus. We would have taken a picture of the 'flavor burst' posters on the walls, which featured retro looking ice creams in various neon colours (and which I'm pretty sure weren't even on the menu), but I was scared one of the staff would rat me out for industrial espionage, even though I was up to nothing of the sort.

We ordered -

Milk

Coke

Bacon and egg in a bun

Original half pounder and chips (with free onion rings!)

Rocky road sundae

BROWN DERBY!

Our food arrived, and oh my god, it was every bit as fantastic as I remembered. I didn't take a picture of my food, because this isn't fucking Instagram. Mind you, since this is essentially a food based post, that was a bit of a silly decision.

To be honest, that's kind of the end of my Wimpy story. I missed it, I went back after a lot of years, and I still loved the food. And I made sure to leave a tip.

So here we are at the end, and just so I don't leave you with a terrible feeling of anticlimax, here is a picture of a mega circus!

Gladiators - poking each other with sticks for cash

Remember that show where men wore bikinis and kicked each other in the balls? And where women wore bikinis and kicked each other in the balls? That show was called Gladiators, and I bloody loved it as a kid.
It was classic Saturday night TV. Every week, four spindly and useless hopefuls competed in a series of physical events against a group of 8 feet tall, 88 stone Fitness Today magazine cover stars, known as the Gladiators.

The spindly ones would usually lose so, in the spirit of fairness/in order to not look stupid, the producers decided to pit the two spindly contenders against each other in the final event - the Eliminator. Whoever won the Eliminator won the entire show, and since it was essentially a race up a downwards escalator, all the preceding events were a bit pointless.

Most people remember these goings on, but what is sometimes less well remembered is that each Gladiator had his or her own distinct personality and characteristics. Some could hit hard, others could kick hard. One wore sunglasses, I think.

In this post I shall introduce you to the 12 original powerhouses, who reigned before the producers ended up adding more new people than even the church of Scientology could hope to hoodwink in one year. Prepare to be awed!

1. WAZZOCK

At 74, Wazzock is the oldest living Gladiator, but don't let the slippers fool you - he's every bit as tough as he was in 1972, when he made his fortune through cock fighting.

Special skills - nagging

Best event - Shopathon

2. SKELETOR 

This lady may look all sweetness and light, but one flick of her extendable hair and you'll be phoning Claims Direct!

Special skills - lawn mowing

Best event - Ultimate hungry hippos

BUM

This mean eyed monster will pound you into the ground if you dare to call him 'four eyes'. He does, however, respond quite favourably to being called 'six eyes'.

Special skills, speed reading, bingo

Best event - Library card hunt

4. WENGE

This lady may look curvy, but she is actually made entirely out of wood. That accounts for her rock hard abs, and also for the way you can calculate her age by cutting her in half and counting the rings.

Special skills - witchcraft

Best event - Coin Toss

5. BUNGLE 

This guy is the big bear with a big heart. But don't be fooled - he once killed an old lady for pushing in front of him in a supermarket queue - what a guy!

Special skills - brain surgery

Best event - John-a-thon

6. FAIL

Known better by his nickname of 'The guy with the weird headhands', Fail is a sadly overlooked Gladiator. He is, however, a record holder. As of 2013, Fail held the official KFC 'most bargain buckets on your head in one go' title. Not to be sniffed at!

7. BRA

This lady is pretty 'aBRAsive'! Do you see what I did there? Good. Bra was the Gladiator best known as 'that fit one off of Gladiators'. But she also packs a punch - how many women do you know who can open a Diet Coke can with one hand? Yes indeed.

Special skills - boob juggling, tittering

Best event - Mammoth Balls

8. ENNUI

Complete with beret, this philosophising Gladiator will stop you in your tracks with his double attack - quoting both Hobbes and Rousseau in one go! Don't let him corner you, as he will talk about how everything is meaningless for forty seven minutes, rendering you deaf, dumb and blind.

Special skills - epistemology

Best event - Northener Spotting

9. PARP

One of the more elusive Gladiators when it comes to publicity, Parp is named for her unlucky but effective trait - one gust of wind from her and you'll be out cold until doomsday!

Special skills - trumpeting

Best event - Air Badminton

10. JESUS

He walks on water, he heals the sick, and he can knock someone off a podium with a stick, most times. With a winning smile like that, you'll be converted in no time!

Special skills - Arm wrestling, wordsearch

Best event - Mass

11. CILLIT BANG

This Gladiator will clean you up in no time! Named after the popular cleaning product, as her blood is 74% sulfamic acid. Don't get fresh with her!

Special skills - pork chopping

Best event - Time Machine Tussle

12. SHENANIGANS

The bad boy of the bunch, referee John Alderton always found himself having to call 'shenanigans' during this feisty dude's run on the show. Bear baiting, tickling, pantomime booing, this baddie has no qualms about using underhanded tactics to beat his opponents!

Special skills - dicking about, coffee

Best event - Car Park Fighting

And there we go - 12 of the best human specimens known to man. Run and hide under your duvet cover at the sheer magnitude of these wildebeest! And remember the famous slogan - if it ain't on the mat - rat a tat tat!