My fantasy Christmas day line up

Now that everyone has two million channels to watch, the magic has been taken out of learning what is to be on TV at Christmas. We no longer eagerly pore over the Radio Times, fervently hoping that our favourite Police Academy movie will be shown. It usually was – right after 'Reflections on the Eucharist' with the Reverend Paul Leyland.

Knowing the TV schedule in advance was good because it allowed you to plan your entire day around the box. For example, it was good to know that you could get up at the crack of dawn in order to start Christmas at the proper time, and your parents wouldn't order you back to bed because you could sit there being babysat by reruns of Sesame Street until they decided to haul themselves out of their pit.

Planning what you would watch on Christmas day was also a way of handling the infinitely long wait for the big event. It was a way to keep the festivities close and stop them spinning off into the furthest reaches of 'ages away'. If you knew what was going to be on TV over Christmas, then you knew that Christmas itself was just round the corner, because no one publishes the TV guide a year in advance or anything stupid like that. You felt a little bit more in control, and were too busy trying to decide between Noel Edmonds live from the telecom tower and The Nativity – live from Dudley Road Primary School to give much thought to the fact that you weren't tearing wrapping paper off things at that exact moment.

Nowadays, of course, it is possible to watch absolutely anything you want over Christmas. If you want to watch an entire series of Birds of a feather on Christmas eve, followed by every Queen's speech for the last ten years on Christmas day, you can. I might have a crack at this myself this year – instead of throwing myself on the mercy of Sky Digital, I might plan a proper Christmas day schedule, and force my companions to watch it with me. Although to be honest I probably won't, because I'll have been drinking whiskey and ginger on Christmas eve, and will probably just slump out of bed at 10 a.m. and go for a fag.

But I'm going to compile my fantasy line up anyway, more to bore you guys than anything else.

I'm going to stick to channels that were available when I was a kid – so anything on Channel 5 or Sky would be kind of cheating, and it's not like anyone watches Channel 5 anyway. Inspiration is taken from the following sites with thanks -

The TV Room

UK Christmas TV

Check them out if you like looking at old TV listings. Possibly only I do that.

Now then -

6.am - Cartoons on Channel 4 (since BBC was boring and closed down until an hour later). Choose from Dangermouse, Heathcliff, Dennis, non Disney animated fairytales, and cheap cartoons about the boy who saved Christmas and stuff. Marvellous.

7.am – Children's BBC – with Andi Peters, Andy Crane, Santa and Edd the duck. Programmes include Playbus, Bananaman, The Family Ness, SuperTed, Postman Pat and some movie about Santa. Followed by Weather.

9.30am – Shout For Joy! From St. Francis' Church, Birmingham

10.30am - Sesame Street Christmas Special

11.20am - Noel's Christmas Presents – I do love this show – it's a Christmas day staple in our family. This is the one we like the most -

12.30pm - Christmas news and weather – with Michael Buerk, Peter Sissons or Nicholas Witchell – not bothered which.

1pm - Comedy gold with Some Mothers Do 'ave 'em and Allo allo

2.15pm – Bullseye Christmas special –

3pm – Mrs Queen

3.10pm – Film – Short Circuit 2 starring Michael Mckean and Fisher Stevens

5pm – Christmas news and weather – with Moira Stewart, Angela Rippon and Peter Levy (Look North region only)

5.30pm – The Snowman – another staple I can't possibly leave out of the line up.

6pm – The Russ Abbot Christmas Show – with special guests the Grumbleweeds

7pm – More classic comedy with Bread and Hi De Hi!

8pm – Brookside Christmas special – Ron Dixon accuses Jimmy Corkhill of trying to burgle his house, not knowing that Jimmy is actually dropping presents off. Meanwhile, Terry Sullivan still has a moustache.

8.30pm – Film – Road House – starring Patrick Swayze –

 

must be interrupted by an evening news update.

 

10.15pm – Spitting Image Christmas Pantomime

10.45pm – Christmas Carols live from St. Severus

11.30pm – Film – Carry On Cleo

1am – Pages from Ceefax