Things we never had and didn't miss part 2

I know I talked about the internet in part 1, but I'd also like to mention a few specific websites as we go along with this series. And if you think that's cheating – it's my blog, so there.

1 Kids TV channels

 

I will take you through the current listings labelled 'kids' on my Sky Plus box, right now, at 6.00pm -

Some Dreamworks shite

'Johnny Test'

Scooby Doo and the cyber chase

Sam and Cat (I know about this – it's two shrieking teenage girls having wacky japes)

iCarly (same)

NEW – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Peppa Pig

Ultimate Spiderman

Hulk and the agents of SMASH (not the mashed potato brand)

Liv And Maddie

Gravity Falls

The Hive

Sofia The First

Jedward's Big Adventure

In The Night Garden

Peppa Pig

Sally Bollywood

Franklin And Friends

Scooby Doo and the cyber chase (+1)

Fireman Sam (new version)

Ben and Holly's Little Kingdom

Ultimate Spiderman

Family fun time and rhymes

In The Night Garden

Harry and his bucketful of dinosaurs

Sabrina the teenage witch (the cartoon series)

Yu-Gi-Oh! GX

The hive

The mysterious cities of gold

Peppa Pig

Jessie

Sam & Cat

Jedward's big adventure

Dreamworks shite

I think I can stop there, because I've come to the end of the kids' channels. My god.

Our equivalent – Saturday morning tv -

Oh, it's Saturday, there's no school, yay! So do we lie in bed, scrolling through our iPads and scratching ourselves? No! Of course we don't, because it's 1990 and iPads haven't been invented yet.

We spring out of bed like an eager young lamb, and immediately head downstairs to commandeer the tv before our older sisters/parents can get to it. Because, dammit, this is the only day of the week where we get to watch shows aimed at us – viewers who haven't learned to use a knife and fork properly yet.

It's only for a couple of hours, so everyone else in the family can just shut up and find something else to do. Me, I have to dedicate these precious hours to Phillip Schofield, Roland Rat or similar, as they 'gunge' people and introduce American merchandise spin-offs that will fill my brain with colours and sounds.

BIG SHOPS -

Nowadays you can get everything everywhere. Want a battery operated spoon? Primark have some. Want some leggings? PC World has a sale on, what are you waiting for?

I must admit, as a person rapidly skidding towards middle age, it's a relief to be able to get everything I need in one converted warehouse, rather than having to trudge round so many shops that I need a 'coffee break' in between.

Ok, I guess I've never been a big fan of shopping. But even I never dreamed that one day you'd be able to go to one building and get all the things on the following shopping list -

onions

knickers

WD40

vaccuum cleaner

prescription glasses

box set of Steven Seagal movies

Korean noodles

wellies

pile cream

6” screws

You can get all this from my local TESCO EXTRA BIG FUCK OFF HYPER SUPER FUN HAPPY STORE. What you can't get is someone to come and assist you when you have an 'unexpected item in the bagging area' yet again.

Our equivalent – shopping

“Oh, I just need to pop to the butchers, then Farmfoods, then the opticians, then Topshop and Miss Selfridge and H&M and New Look and then I need to go to the chemist...”

I was not a fan of being dragged round all these shops. Even now, when everything I buy is for me, I like to have it in one handy package. Ok, maybe my life would have been improved had we had these SUPER FUN MEGA HAPPY STORES in our lives. I give up.

Blame and claim culture

 

Did you chip a fingernail at work? Or did you sit down on the loo at work and momentarily experience discomfort because the loo seat was a bit cold? Even worse, did someone wilfully injure your feelings by calling you a 'div' at work? Sue those bastards! Phone our hotline now, and we'll get you millions of pounds!

Disclaimer – we will not get you millions of pounds. We will get you up to and including five hundred new pounds, of which we will take up to a hundred percent.

Everyone everywhere is scared of everything. Even I have days where I don't want to leave the house in case a meteor falls on my head, or in case a terrorist comes up and tries to do terror at me.

But when I was growing up, getting injured was not a career. It was a vocation, at best. We did not expect to have our clumsiness rewarded with money. That's what clowns and Eddie The Eagle were for.

Now, if you're short of money and don't want to ring WONGACASHNOW4U, you can simply claim you were tripped over by a member of Al Qaeda, or that someone looked at you funny, and all your financial problems will disappear!

Our equivalent – looking where you were fucking going

 

You know what used to happen if you fell over in the street? Everyone would laugh at you. Certainly they wouldn't offer you money.

Of course, work accidents did happen, and they were generally quite serious, but back then people tried to avoid getting injured. They didn't like being injured, what with the pain and all. Getting injured was seen as a bad thing, not as an equivalent to winning the lottery.

When I was growing up, if you tripped over in the street you were unlucky, or a div. If you broke a nail or had your 'feelings injured' while at work, then you were a fucking crybaby, and didn't deserve the fucking job in the first place.

By the way, I wrote these last paragraphs on the toilet. Just thought you'd like to know.

Wikipedia/IMDB/Yahoo Answers (especially Yahoo Answers)

Killer of pub conversations about... well, anything really. But especially about “Oh, who's that guy from that thing, you know, he was in Morse that one time...)

Nowadays, one self important fuck in the group will casually tap away on his iPhone, and declare -

“Richard Fucknuts, born 1968, was best known for his work in 1990 drama series Impotence Clinic. He went on to be a spokesman for...”

At which point everyone punches him.

Our equivalent – finding things out

If you're like me, you have a mental list of 'oh, I must Google that when I remember.' These things never get looked up, because we're too busy doing important things like looking at porn or playing Candy Crush when we're on the internet.

Before the days when you could Google anything, you had to put some work into finding things out. You had to read books, visit the library, even (shock horror) talk to other people and ask them. This was a good way to acquire knowledge. Certainly better than just going on Wikipedia, and here's why.

As for Yahoo Answers, I refer you to this.