Lazy Town – as I suspected, a fake Sportacus is better than the real one

Before we begin, congratulations to Andrew Lee, who has become World Of Crap's first Twitter follower! See? It can be done, you just have to pull your fingers out and follow his shining example. I haven't really got on with Twitter in the past, but like a woman deaf to her friends' criticisms of her new boyfriend's drug taking, wife beating ways, I am convinced it's going to be different this time round.

Anyway, on to today's topic.

You know why I love Lazy Town? Because when I watch it, I get an overwhelming feeling that I'm doing the right thing by sitting on my arse eating chocolate. I have no desire to be like these rubber headed cretins, with their sports candy and their 'exercise is fun' delusion. Admittedly, I don't think the show is aimed at 30 year old, sherry drinking underachievers, but still.

Long time readers will remember my first Lazy Town post, where I present Robbie, the cake eating, gym avoiding grinch as the show's real hero. And I stand by that assertion. All Robbie is trying to do is lead a normal life, free from screeching bloody kids and having to eat fucking 'sports candy'. Lazy Town usually follows Robbie's attempts to achieve this normality, as he goes to insane lengths to rid the world of overzealous aerobics instructor/Errol Flynn tribute Sportacus, his concubine Stephanie, and the above mentioned rubber headed cretins. Today's episode is no different. It is entitled 'Sportafake', and by watching it we learn that Robbie makes a better Sportacus than Sportacus ever could. That's how rubbish Sportacus is.

Here is the link for watch along – LINK

We begin with a scene involving Miss Busybody acting like these women. The mayor, having no balls of his own, surreptitiously tries to build a pair out of wood while fixing Busybody's fence.

 

SHIT! The head flies off his hammer, landing... fuck knows where, we don't see for now. The scene abruptly shifts to our hero, Robbie, cursing the fact that Stephanie has wandered into his eyeline. If only he hadn't been using a magnifying periscope, maybe he wouldn't have accidentally spotted her from his house underground. Oh Robbie, you so silly. I'm not sure what Robbie is really looking for – a rare breed of squirrel? A Wimpy bar? A woman wearing those leggings that you think are proper leggings but in reality are just thick tights and you go around with your bum exposed without knowing?

Ok, he's pissed off because Stephanie is absent mindedly throwing some kind of hoop about. As Robbie quite rightly states - “It's a lovely day to be lazy!” Yes it is, and as such, Stephanie should be in the park with the rubber headed cretins, drinking cheap wine and trying to cadge cigarettes off passing strangers. Robbie has every right to be angry.

See, this is my main problem with Lazy Town. Robbie clearly has the kids' best interests at heart, and as such he wants them to have a normal life full of beer and fun, instead of compulsory aerobics and apples. He wants them to live. Sportacus just wants them to have toned glutes, whatever glutes are. I think it's your arse.

To this end, Robbie has erected a 'No Playing' sign on the street, but it gets knocked down by... you guessed it, the hammer from earlier.

“FUCK” shouts Robbie.

He goes into a lament about how life was ace when people actually listened to him. This soliloquy is a masterpiece, but since he's underground and there's no one around to listen to him, he has to provide his own applause afterwards.

We cut to three of the rubber headed cretins – Pixel, Ziggy and Trixie – doing what they're actually supposed to be doing on such a hot day. They're lying there on sun loungers, shooting the shit. With no desire to do anything. That is the correct way to be. Then, of course, Stephanie has to turn up and shit in everyone's hats by insisting they play 'catch', the most pointless game known to man.

Oh good, it's Sportafuck. He surprises everyone, including and especially me, by immediately sitting on a sun lounger and going to sleep. Maybe I misjudged Sportacus – I assumed he'd immediately take boring Stephanie's side and insist that the gang all start doing jumping jacks, RIGHT NOW.

Oh for fuck's sake. He was just joking. My head banged on the keyboard when I realised this. I think I need a glass of wine. It's already taken me an hour to watch three minutes of this episode.

And now all the rubber headed cretins are dying to play catch, despite having dismissed the idea thirty seconds ago. But when Sportafuck turns up, they're so eager to net some brownie points they practically jizz in their pants. They all fancy him.

After a bit of filler in which the aerobic arseholes play catch, we return to Robbie, who is ranting about the fact that no one ever listens to him, only to Sportacus. He decides it must be Sportacus' moustache that compels them to listen. I agree Robbie, I think it is the moustache, along with the promises of free sex and money.

Robbie's genius plan is revealed – he is going to dress as Sportacus so he can boss the kids around for himself. Because if five children do what he says, then he'll be able to go back to eating cake in peace. Why couldn't he just do this anyway? Because shut up, that's why.

There follows a brilliant 30 seconds where he takes the piss out of Sportafuck's moves before having an asthma attack.

We return to Miss Busybody and her minion, before Stingy turns up and starts announcing that he owns everything in the manner of 'Murica.

Meanwhile, the cretins are still playing catch, when Sportacus receives an urgent message (a tweet?) that 'shomeone'sh in trouble!' He fucks off on his sportaladder.

While Sportacus is busy fucking off, Robbie decides now is the time to implement his plan. He bounces over the wall (what wall?) hoping the kids will think Sportacus has just been the victim of a Doctor Who style timeslip, and has gone from up in his airship to right next to the kids in 0.5 seconds flat. -

Oh my god, the kids fall for it. This lowers my respect level of them to, well, below zero, because it was at zero before.

For some reason, Robbie does an impression of Popeye for a while. Then he fails to know the rules of Catch, which lowers my respect level of him. But only for a bit.

Meanwhile, the mayor falls out of a tree. I don't know why.

SportaRobbie cracks and demands that everyone stop playing, right now. Then he issues his version of the ten commandments. The first is that they shall eat bubblegum. Wait, why is bubblegum forbidden? It's not bad, it's certainly not fattening. Possibly Sportacus banned it because

(wait, I was nearly not going to add this part as it's too rude. Fuck it.)

because Sportacus wanted to not tire his friends' mouths out, because he wanted them to use their mouths for other things. Now I am ashamed of myself.

Moving quickly on -

We cut to Stephanie writing in her diary -

“Dear diary,

Sportacus isn't acting right. By now he'd have given me at least three sexy looks, but so far – none! OMG! That trixie is such a bitch, with her rubber face and her pigtails. I hate her. Why haven't I had a period yet? Also, I thought I'd share some more of my poetry on Facebook, but so far no one has liked it, despite me posting it 76 times. I hate the world, and I hate my parents for dying and making me go live with my rubber headed uncle. I hate him, even if he is the mayor, he just DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME! And why won't he let me dye my hair brown? He says it's because I'll never get a job later in life, but if an employer can't see that I'm a non-conformist, that's their problem. I don't want to be some puppet for a fat cat. Sportacus, why aren't you texting me back?”

Meanwhile, the real Sportacus is helping the mayor to build his shit wall, because the mayor 'won't get any sex if he doesn't finish it'. Sportacus is such a fucking do gooder. But then Sportacus is called away to a real emergency, involving Stephanie being a whining bitch. Again. Some of the rubber headed cretins are bullying another of the rubber headed cretins. Sportacus steps in -

As it turns out, he takes the side of the bullies, because Ziggy was daring to eat more than his fair share of bubblegum. Sportacus decides it was perfectly reasonable for the bullies to hold Ziggy upside down in order to extricate the offending bubblegum. Like they would have wanted it, after it had Ziggy's spit and god knows what on it.

No, they make him spit it out, but it's not enough, so they make him vomit up the bit he's already swallowed. At this point, Trixie claims she doesn't want it any more. I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.

The gang make friends and immediately start playing basketball, despite having forced one of their number to throw up only seconds ago. I really hope Robbie steps in soon. Meanwhile, the mayor is still building that wall. I don't give a shit about this, so I assume you won't either.

Oh god, 'someone's in trouble' again, so the real Sportacus fucks off to help. It's the mayor again. Sportacus builds the mayor's fence for him in a matter of seconds, which makes us wonder why he didn't do that in the first place. Then he goes away. He's a bellend.

While real Sportacus is off in his airship eating apples and doing god knows what, Robbie is back, offering the kids a bag full of McDonalds. Predictably, Stephanie looks pissed off at the thought of anyone enjoying themselves ever -

The rubber headed goons all view this as the heaven sent opportunity it is, and immediately start nomming the goods. Only Stephanie remains tight-anused.

Robbie turns up while (it sounds like) the mayor and Busybody are having sex, and knocks down their fence.

Meanwhile, the real Sportacus turns up and demands to know why they're all fat from burgers. The gang tell him that he gave them the burgers, and to stop being such a dick. Stephanie, despite having eaten a load of burgers herself, isn't happy at this, and goes crying to her uncle. Her uncle, as usual, is useless, being infatuated with Miss Busybody. Stephanie wants to know why Sportacus isn't the man she fell in love with. Then, unexpectedly, the mayor comes out with a gem that resonated with me -

“Sometimes you just have to speak out, even if no one wants to hear it.”

Story of my life. Still if the mayor of Lazy Town decrees my personal philosophy to be a good one, then I shall carry on with it.

Then Miss Busybody shouts him and he runs away, yelling “I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!” This is a kids' show.

He trips over a skateboard and some stuff happens. Oh dear, he's spilled her drink.

Sportacus turns up again, relishing the chance to stick his nose in everyone's business.

Then Robbie turns up, so we have the age old problem of 'these two look the same, but which one is the real one? Robbie finds this amusing and decides to make the real Sportacus do some ballroom dancing, for reasons never explained -

Then they do a weird version of 'Bop-It', before the mayor comes along and asks “Which one of you is the real Sportacus? This, I'm convinced, is what inspired Magnus Scheving to write the series in the first place. He's been aching for a scene in which all his followers could stand up and yell “No, I'm Sportacus!” Sadly, the only other person claiming to be Sportacus isn't filled with self sacrificial reverence – he just wants people to think he's Sportacus so he can go back to eating cake.

The Sportacuses have some sort of aerobics competition to determine who is real. The the mayor suggests the town should keep them both. Wrong. You normally have one too many Sportaci in your town.

Then Stephanie suggests a race, because the real Sportacus would obviously win that.

The race begins, and the real Sportacus is obviously winning, until Miss Busybody gets sent somewhere on a skateboard, I don't know. What, do you expect me to have actually watched this episode properly?

A ha – the real Sportacus abandons the race in order to save Miss Busybody. I see.

Oh wait, I don't. Turns out everyone is foxed by Robbie winning the race, and they declare him to be the real Sportacus. Only Stephanie is unconvinced, and she speaks out, as told to previously by her rubber headed uncle.

“No, don't send him away, I love him! And all his insistences that I'm too fat and that I eat too much, and all his bullying me into exercising more, despite the fact that I'm 12. I love him!”

Everyone else buys this, and Robbie is rumbled. Robbie tries to play the legal angle, stating that whoever won the race was the real Sportacus, but he is foiled by the rubber headed cretins pulling his mask off, in a display of supreme irony,

We end with Miss Busybody pulling the poor mayor out of the friendzone by rewarding all his hard work with a kiss. Maybe, if he grouts her tiles, she'll let him bum her, I don't know.

My top five 10p rides - for the two year old adrenaline junkie

If, like me, you regularly queue up to ride the Fiery Fist O pain -

Then chances are you will have, at some point, started much smaller. When I was a kid, you could get a cheap thrill for 10p almost anywhere, in the shape of a coin operated ride. Yes, I know they have them now, but they're not the same – they all cost at least a pound, a lot are covered in corporate sponsorship, and they won't let me on them anymore. That's a shame, because the LazyTown ride in Morrisons looks fab. Where was I?

So, for 10p you would climb on, strap yourself in, and whoosh off to giddying heights of up to TWO FEET off the ground. Alternatively you'd whizz around at stomach churning speeds of 0.5mph.

I loved them, and here are my top five 10p rides -

Postman Pat -

I'm cheating a bit here, because this was slightly after my ride riding heyday, but come on, this is one of the classics. Everyone's been on one, or knows someone who's been on one. There's one outside the sweet shop in my town centre; you can always hear its jaunty music, accompanied by the tempestuous wails of grumpy children that want another go, and the even grumpier children who are still queuing up for their first go.

You sit in Pat's van (right next to Pat, if you please), and the van...just...kind of wobbles about a bit. Great fun to be had trying to fit in the van as an adult.

Rocket ship -

This was ace because of all the lights and buttons inside the cockpit – you really felt as if you were on an Apollo mission (not Apollo 13, unless there was a power cut). You sat in the cockpit, held on (if you were a wimp), and the rocket would go up and down while twisting round a bit. This ride gets into the top 5 for its immersive theming (the buttons you could press that went WOOWOOWOOWOO).

Helicopter -

Similar to the rocket ship, but this ride places higher for scare value. The rocket ship went up about a foot while staying firmly rooted to its base, but the helicopter soared to heights of up to 5 FEET! I know this to be true because I was often level with the top of my parents. Not that my parents were only 5 feet tall, but, you know, the base and stuff.

The helicopter extended on a metal bracket thing, and as such would wobble precariously, making the rider fear death. Very good value for money.

Horse -

I was always terrified on this ride, but that didn't stop me going on it all the fucking time (sorry Mum and Dad). You sat on the horse (obviously), and it alternated between a gentle canter and an all out catch the bad guy 60mph gallop, during which you were lucky if you managed to stay on. I still ride horses now, but the one I currently ride just sniffs when I tell him to do something. Thanks to this ride, I know the answer is to insert another 10p.

Mini Wheel

Here we have it – the ultimate ride. Does what it says on the tin – you sit there and go round and round, accompanied by lovely music. I must add, though, that while I rode the pictured model a lot, it wasn't my favourite. I can't find a picture of my favourite Mini Wheel anywhere, but it was red, white and blue, and it played the beginning of “Stars And Stripes Forever”. I think my parents once got into a row with the other parents in the queue, because I flat refused to get off it. Again, sorry Mum and Dad.

Lazy Town – one hero’s endless struggle to defend freedom and cake

Imagine being dropped into a world where half the people have plastic faces. As if that wasn’t terrifying enough, imagine then discovering that normal food is banned, and that inhabitants of the town are forced to take up weird, Orwellian compulsive exercise programmes. This is the scene that faces our plucky hero, Robbie -

Lazy Town is an odd show for children, because an episode generally never has a happy ending. Instead of everything turning out ok in the end and all the characters giggling and waving at the camera, the viewer is normally plunged headfirst into a bleak, dystopian landscape where evil triumphs over good. While this might teach children some valuable life lessons, it does make for disturbing viewing.

In the episode I chose to watch, the story centres around the ruling Mafia style gang extending yet another arm into the control of public life – this time by taking over the entire TV network.

I'll pause to fill you in on the gang terrorizing the town -

Pixel - the brains and technical mastermind of the gang 

Sportacus - poster boy for the gang; an attempt to promote a people-friendly image 

              

Stephanie - similar to Sportacus; there to appeal to females as non threatening 

Stingy and Ziggy - from what I can gather these are Pixel's henchmen, although Stingy's obvious wealth might be helping to finance the operation 

Trixie - smarter than she looks. Frequently used for interrogation purposes 

The “Mayor” and Bessie “Busybody” - parental figures of the gang. Serious infringements are brought before the “Mayor”, and he will determine a suitable punishment.

Robbie, our hero for the duration and all round quiet, understated good guy, settles down in front of his TV with a snack, only to find every single channel has been hijacked by the gang. Since the gang don’t appear to have a name, I’ll call them the PE Teachers.  

Every channel in Lazy Town is now taken over with weird propaganda and compulsory aerobics shows, thanks to a pirate antenna built by Pixel. All colour schemes are gaudy and bright in order to induce a mild hypnotic state in the viewers, and shows are peppered with various gang slogans and phrases such as “sports candy” (whatever the hell that is), “everybody move”, and “go go go!” All programmes are designed to either bamboozle or lull, consisting of the poster boy/girl dancing around and smiling, and news programmes where all the news is good and nothing ever goes wrong in the world - 

Robbie knows he must act to stop this before the entire town is brainwashed, but realises he must go undercover. His plan is to bravely attempt to infiltrate the various programme sets, and sabotage the shows, thus breaking the hypnotic hold over the town. When Robbie reveals his plan, the viewers breathe a collective sigh of relief since he appears to be confident in his abilities, and not worried in the slightest.

Unfortunately, as an artistic necessity, the viewer is then subjected to a horrifying display of the PE Teachers’ programmes.

What the hell is sports candy? At the beginning I wondered if they meant fruit, but I’m starting to think it’s more sinister than that. If they are going out of their way to market it as ‘sports candy’, it’s not unreasonable to assume it’s laced with some kind of powerful narcotic, no doubt concocted by the ‘chefs’, Stingy and Ziggy.

Our hero has arrived in town, so we can breathe a bit easier for now. He soon gets wind of the ‘sports candy’ plan, and makes a brave attempt to dispose of the entire stash. He knows if he is caught he will have to pay a visit to Trixie, or worse, the ‘Mayor’, so stealth is essential -

The narcotic aspect of the ‘sports candy’ is all but confirmed when poster girl Stephanie sings about how it’s ‘fun to play with colours’.

Success! Robbie has managed to get rid of all the sports candy. Next is perhaps the most dangerous mission of them all – infiltrating the ‘happy news’ presided over by the ‘Mayor’ and ‘Busybody’.  As a side note, we find out that the ‘Mayor’ is Stephanie’s uncle.

Our hero effortlessly thwarts the ‘Mayor’ and, with a terrified Busybody in the background, proceeds to give a direct warning to Pixel. Plus he reveals that ‘sports candy makes you sick’. Pixel is rattled, but he’s not through yet. As if to send a counter warning to Robbie, he switches to Trixie’s interrogation hour. Robbie knows he must steel himself and join Trixie if he is to triumph over the PE Teachers.

After being forced to humiliate himself by dancing for Trixie, Robbie escapes by the skin of his teeth, but still on track. Now he heads to the henchmen, Stingy and Ziggy, to take their programme out. As a last ditch attempt to keep his hold over the show's viewers, Pixel orders 'Busybody' to begin an impromptu puppet show -

This David Lynch-esque spectacle lasts until Robbie realises he must risk his life to bring down the PE Teachers once and for all. Donning a gorilla suit so as not to be recognised, and also to provide some protection from bullets, he climbs the TV mast, swaying precariously with no thought for his own safety.

Robbie’s plan begins to work, so the PE Teachers bring out the big guns. This is the final showdown, a fight to the death, a hundred feet above LazyTown -

Robbie is captured! He is taken to Pixel, who converses with the ‘mayor’ about how best to deal with him. Meanwhile, the rest of the PE Teachers continue to broadcast, with Robbie incarcerated and unable to stop them.

The gang place Robbie under house arrest, where he is forced to watch them make their return to the airwaves, bigger and bolder than ever. But our hero is bold enough to match them, and is soon planning his next move. He knows he can never give up his attempts to stop the PE Teachers once and for all. Will he succeed next time?

We leave Robbie on this cliffhanger. Knowing our hero, it won’t be long before he’s back to take up arms against the forces of evil once more. Until then, all we can do is hope.