Things we never had and didn't miss part 1

This is not going to be one of those annoying 'OMG THIS STUFF WILL MAKE YOU FEEL SOOOO OLD!!!!1111' posts. No. This was just a discussion between me and the mister, over things we couldn't live without, but somehow managed perfectly well without when we were growing up. Which makes us feel, like, sooo old!!1

I am basing this on a British childhood really, because my American readers will have had some of these things around since they can remember. Then America decided that they wanted to inflict their crap on other countries, and slowly the rest of the world caught up.

Because I have a list longer than my arm, I'm going to split this post into several parts, because I do need some me-time you know, to sit there drinking red bull and watching Antiques Roadshow.

1. The internet 

This is maybe not such a given, because a lot of you young scallywags assume the internet has been around since 1798. No. I didn't have my first glimpse of online until 1995, with the help of Netscape Navigator -

Ok, hands up if you remember any of the following things – getting 3000 free AOL CDs in the post/whenever you buy anything ever, the dial up music, Geocities, waiting ten minutes for half a picture to load (and not just because of all the advertising), your sister buggering up your conversation with 'manicsfan83' because she selfishly decided to make a phone call. No? Then you lose!

Our equivalent – Teletext

Shut up, this had all the features of your so called internet; we were quite happy with it back in the day. It had endless loading times, celebrity gossip, and fake psychics. Ok, it didn't have porn, but sometimes you could squint and pretend that Bamber Boozler, host of the Channel 4 Sunday Teletext quiz Bamboozle, was a nudey lady. Not that I ever did that, but I'm sure you could if you wanted.

2. Mobile phones

 

My god, the day I got my first mobile phone I felt like such a badass, and an important badass at that. It was a big Motorola brick, but still quite modern because it had texting on it. Much like a word processor of old, you couldn't see the entire text in one go; you had to scroll through each word from left to right. So if you realised you'd made a mistake at the beginning, you generally couldn't be arsed to go back.

No one ever phoned me as I had no friends, but it didn't matter. I would still have a fine old time choosing my ringtones just in case I got a wrong number or something. And then I upgraded to this bad boy -

Allow me to play you the song of my people -

Unless, of course, you could work the 'composer' feature, and then the world was your lobster. I got really good at using the composer, and ended up being able to make any tune on request. But my favourite thing to do was to bash the buttons on the composer for ten seconds, then have whatever godawful noise came out as my ringtone.

Our equivalent – The phone -

You know, the phone? The actual phone that households have? That has an area code? Where, if you ring and there's no answer, you just assume they're not in, not that they hate you? That.

Also, BT phone boxes. Great for making prank calls (like when you phone someone's house and just blow a raspberry down the phone), useless for making actual calls as they were all crackly and cost about a pound a go.

3. The Lottery -

It could be you! Tip – it won't be. But when The National Lottery started in 1994, every single person in Britain was convinced it would be them. So we went mad buying tickets, in a frenzy akin to something out of Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. And all workplace/pub/playground discussions were immediately wiped out and replaced by 'what we'd spend our winnings on'.

We still have the Lottery, but recently the ticket price has doubled to £2, and hardly anyone plays it any more. Sometimes we have a flutter though, because quite often you do get three numbers up, which these days will net you a cool £25 – not to be sniffed at.

Our equivalent – The football pools

Typically run by Vernons or Littlewoods, the idea was to correctly predict the scores of all the upcoming football matches of the week. My childhood was filled with my parents talking mysteriously about something called a 'score draw', or a 'no score draw', and putting ticks in little boxes, which a man in a hat would then come round and collect. I can't remember how much you could win on the pools, but it definitely wasn't millions. It might have been enough to retire on, if you just ate tins of beans and never got your hair cut, I don't know.

4. Netflix, Love Film etc -

Bored of everything on TV? Can't find anything to watch? Then I suggest you stop taking those drugs you're on, since they've clearly turned you into a mental. There is always something good to watch since TV on demand was invented. For a mere fiver a month, a household can watch almost any film or TV show ever made with the touch of a button. Very Jetsons. Especially now that Youtube on your TV has been thrown into the mix. Now it seems inconceivable that you might have to flick through the channels to 'see if there's anything good on', and hope you haven't missed the start of it.

Our equivalent – going to the video shop

This was a big thing, generally undertaken when the family was all together on a Friday or Saturday evening. As our family consisted of my parents, my two teenage sisters, and a fat, whining me, numerous rows over what to rent were guaranteed.

The proceedings would start with my parents casually saying, “Oh, there's nothing on TV tonight, let's get a video.” Magic words to me. Immediately my young mind would be filled with thoughts of the entire Hanna Barbera collection, or perhaps The Little Mermaid. Naturally, the video would be my choice; those peasants I lived with wouldn't be given a say.

It hardly ever turned out like this. I wanted something with no more than two dimensions, my sisters invariably wanted either a horror movie or Road House, my mum wanted anything to do with Coronation Street or Brookside, and my dad wanted something about a war. Any war. Or about Hank Marvin. Because of this inability to agree, the family generally ended up renting something nobody wanted to watch, probably not even the people who starred in it.

Then there were those times where, when I'd been really good, I won a trip to the video shop just for me, where I could pick out a video of my choice. This was where I got silly, and all thoughts of Hanna Barbera went out of the window. I would choose something like The Fly, and my parents would get all pissy and make me choose something like The Happy Unicorn.

Well, that's it for part one. I'll probably write part two over the weekend, just so you know and aren't endlessly pacing up and down crying “But when will she write it? When?” Now you can relax. 

The Video Collection - the most 80s thing you'll see this morning

Found this two and a half minutes of life wastage on Youtube -

It's a promo for UK based media company Video Collection International's home VHS line, imaginatively titled 'The Video Collection' -

There was something about the red and black on that stark grey background that unnerved me as a child, not to mention the weird music that sounds like it's being played backwards a bit.

Now then. "Hollywood's greatest stars in their finest films" contains precisely three films that I have ever heard of. This might be because I'm not a film buff, or it might be because VCI just bought whichever films were cheap at the time. To this end, we have all the great movies from 'the good ole days', when everyone used to walk round wearing hats, and when saying 'damn' was shocking.

One trailer promises "Cary Grant at his most passionate". I'm sorry, but this claim is given less weight by the accompanying clip -

Cary Grant was a fine actor and all, but I wouldn't describe him as 'at his most passionate'. I'd describe him as having that face you pull when you've just done a big shop in Tesco, and you get home only to realise you forgot to buy any butter.

They do advertise some classics, like High Noon and It's A Wonderful Life, and then at the end of the movie section they tout what is obviously the one modern-ish film they could afford - a three part feature length miniseries from 1984 called The Glory Boys. I have never seen this so I'm not qualified to pass comment, but I did see the following review on Rotten Tomatoes -

"Neither the film's techniques and pacing nor its fashions have aged well in the decades since its first airing."

Fair enough.

Next we move on to cartoons! VCI kind of comes into its own here, as they have greats such as Yogi Bear, He Man and Mr T!

Although in this but Mr T looks like he's either laughing at you for agreeing to watch this promo, or he's just smelled some milk that's a bit off.

I know all this rambling sounds like I hate this promo, but actually I think it's the greatest thing ever, which is why I've already watched it five times this morning and you haven't.

Shit gangs in movies and books

Firstly, I want to aplologise to anyone who has commented on my posts and not had a reply - I'm still finding comments I never knew I had on here, and it seems a bit odd and wrong to reply to a comment made 6 months ago. I'm not deliberately ignoring them - I'm just a bit rubbish. I will try to check my comments more often in future, but for now I am full of shame.

Today's post is about gangs that are so shit, they would even have me as a member. I'm sure I forgot loads of examples when trying to compile this list, because I seem to remember movies in the 80s and 90s being full of them. Most shit gangs don't actually do any ganging or crime, but quite often do have a natty theme song, or matching studded leather outfits, giving them the appearance of a Billy Idol lookalike agency.
Another type of shit gang that seems to frequently appear in literature is the gang-with-a-really-crap-objective. Sometimes the purpose of the gang is so lame that it renders them a non-gang.

That's not to say that shit gangs aren't brilliant - they are. They give me hope that even someone as unpopular as me could one day be in a gang, should I choose to do so. Admittedly it would be a shit gang, and I would never want to admit my membership to anyone, but still - I'd be in a gang, and that's at least a bit cool.

Here are some gangs that even I might stand a chance of getting into (or beating in a fight) -

1. Los Locos (Short Circuit 2)

My absolute favourite shit gang ever. Los Locos sort of do some naughty things like nicking car stereos, but not really. Mostly they just climb on fences and sing their theme song -

And on their own they can't even break into one car, not even if there's one car and four of them. When Johnny 5 offers to help, they run away screaming from what they think is a 'Mitsubishi'. Also, they really need to work on their jackets, because it looks like they're called 'Los Laces'.

2. Leroy's gang (Crocodile Dundee 2)

When Mick Dundee gets into a spot of bother, his old mate Leroy rounds up a posse to help him out (you know, because he's black so he must know about gangs).
The gang he goes to round up is pathetic, and Mick takes great delight in pointing out just how shit they are -

In a fight between these guys and Los Locos, Los Locos would win, because at least they try to do some crime and stuff, and they don't just sit around picking on people's jackets.

3. The Foot Clan (Teenage mutant ninja turtles movies)

Ok - THIS is the foot clan -

Let me point something out here - these guys are about 12. The one on the left is possibly 8. These are the deadly assassins hired by Shredder to defeat the turtles? No wonder they fucking lose. Tip for the bad guy - don't recruit fighters who don't even have pubic hair yet, and if you must do that, then especially don't encourage them to get pissed and smoke cigarettes. That's for grown ups like me to do, and I don't have to fight the turtles, so I can do it. But YOU CAN'T.

4. The Camp Gang (Care Bears The Movie 2: A New Generation)

Some background for those of you too manly to watch the Care Bears -

From Wikipedia -

"For the Bears' first Caring Mission, True Heart and stowaway Swift Heart Rabbit (one of the Cousins) travel to Earth and visit a summer camp. There, they meet three of its participants: a girl named Christy, and her friends Dawn and John. A boastful boy nicknamed the "Camp Champ" always defeats them in competitions, and assigns them to trash duty. Christy is unsatisfied at this; she and her friends run away, only to get lost in the woods."


The first Camp Champ was too crap even to have a picture, so here is the second Camp Champ -

It's a ginger kid. A ginger kid is cooler than the previous leader of the gang, who must have been a 42 stone zoophile with acne.

Having said that, This ginger kid is really 'DarkHeart', ruler of all that is evil (in the Care Bears universe, in which evil consists of cooties and Calpol that doesn't taste of strawberry). So DarkHeart can pretty much do what he wants, and what he wants is to make some shit 12 year olds knock over a litter bin then laugh as if they'd just murdered someone. Way to go.

5. Milly Molly Mandy's gang (From Milly Molly Mandy story 'The Gang')

The Milly Molly Mandy stories were written by Joyce Lankester Brisley sometime in the good ole days (pre war?), and featured a mind numbing yet soothing cavalcade of picnic lunches, good deeds and 'lid potatoes' by the fire. But even MMM, heroine of my childhood that she was, could not begin a successful gang, even when she meant to thwart an even worse gang -

Oh my god these guys go around knocking people's hats off. Actually, I imagine that was quite a scandalous thing to do back in the good ole days, when people were required by law to wear a hat and gloves in the street.

What do MMM and her friends do? They form an even more boring gang who go round putting people's hats back on their heads for them. In the end, the naughty gang decide MMM's gang is more fun, and they all go off and play rounders or something. Such is life in the world of lid potatoes.

6. The Boyfriend Club

The Boyfriend Club is comprised of four friends invented by author Janet Quin-Harkin. For a (slightly) more in depth look at this series, I refer you to this post. For now, let me just say that the only thing these guys ever do, ever, is talk about how they all want boyfriends, or how they all have boyfriends, or how they're tired of their boyfriends and want new boyfriends. I don't think these guys even have a secret den or a password. In their defence, at least they claim to be a club rather than a gang. The word 'club' just conjures up images of tea parties and getting free Boyzone stickers in the post. But I had to include them because they're even worse than Milly Molly Mandy's gang, who at least have a den.

Watching The Fly - a childhood ambition fulfilled

In THIS POST I talked a bit about how, as a small child, my parents wouldn’t let me rent The Fly, starring Jeff Goldblum, from the video shop. Instead, I had to rent some bullshit video about a grizzly bear. The bear fell down a hill or something. It might have been called The Bear, I’m not sure, I can’t even be bothered to look it up. If it was, then that was probably the reason my parents made me select it. ‘After all, Phil, flies, bears, what’s the difference? They’re both films about animals. And this one looks so much cuter’. ‘Okay Ann, I’m sure The Bear is just as exciting as The Fly’.

I’ve had ample opportunity to watch The Fly since then, but somehow I just never have. Just one of those things. Yesterday, though, I did. And it was brilliant.

Even though I loved the film, I have to reluctantly agree with my parents’ decision to stop me renting The Fly as a four year old. But I’ve also been wondering about the exact reason for their refusal. The more I’ve thought about it, the more items I’ve added to my list of potential reasons for them spoiling my fun. There are so many things in the film that would have been wrong for my four year old eyes to see, so I’ve decided to make a list of the most likely suspects. If you haven’t seen The Fly, I’ll warn you that there are major spoilers in this post. But I dare say that I’m probably the only one in the world who hasn’t seen The Fly, and now I have, so there. I will also say that my Word and Blogger today are conspiring against me, and no matter how hard I try I just cannot get the text to all line up, so it goes a bit wonky towards the end. But I am nothing if not unprofessional.

1. The sexy bits –

For a film about a man that gets fused with a fly, there’s a surprising amount of steamy sexing going on. First Jeff Goldblum’s nerdy but brilliant scientist does it with Geena Davis, then his brilliant but deranged and 30% fly self does it with some random hooker he picked up. Plus, there’s a hefty amount of side boob going on. My four year old self might have just thought that’s how flies eat or something, but it might also have forced my parents into having “the talk” with me. While watching The Fly.

2. The bit with the baboon –

The teleportation machine wasn’t always a raging success. Before Jeff Goldblum ‘successfully’ teleported himself, he was kind enough to give a baboon (let’s call him Mike) a shot at being a scientific pioneer. This didn’t really go according to plan, unless the plan was to turn Mike into a quivering pile of gristle. The four year old me seeing Mike pound a bloody limb against the glass door of the teleporter might have caused me to bring my chicken nuggets back up.

3.The bit with the arm wrestling –

Before our hero takes the previously mentioned random hooker home, he must first arm wrestle for her honour. By this stage, he is at least one third fly, and apparently flies are known for their super strong arms, or something. Anyway, our guy has super duper upper body strength, and during the arm wrestle he accidentally-on-purpose rips his opponent’s hand off. I suspect that I, impressionable child that I was, would have refrained from using my hands for anything ever again, in case they accidentally come off. I probably wouldn’t have realised that it was super fly strength that did it, I would probably have just thought that these things happen, so I should be more careful.

4. Geena Davis’ delivery room dream –

Not only would the whole ‘I’m pregnant with a half man/half fly’s baby’ thing have prompted me to ask all kinds of awkward questions, again, but the fact that she gives birth to a larva would have convinced me that all women gave birth to larvae, so I must have started out as a larva. Like I’ve said before, I was a stupid kid. I’d have probably checked every time I went to the toilet to see if any larvae had fallen out. You can never be too careful.

5. The end scene –

I’m a grown woman, and this scene reduced me to tears, embarrassingly. I felt myself welling up a bit when faced with Geena Davis’ anguish at having to shoot the man she loved, but what really tipped me over the edge was when Jeff Goldblum (or special effects pretending to be Jeff Goldblum) pointed the gun at his own head and asked for her to kill him. This would have probably made me cry even more as a four year old – I was an overly sensitive kid. I once dissolved in floods of tears over the Tom Jones song “Green green grass of home” (about a criminal waiting to be hanged), because it occurred to me that the guy might be innocent. Let me tell you, my parents have never let me live that one down.

I'd say that The Fly is one of the best films I've ever seen. But I do have to begrudgingly admit that maybe my parents were right when they made me rent that stupid bear video. Had they relented, I might not have grown up to be the productive, well adjusted individual I am.