Today's post is about gangs that are so shit, they would even have me as a member. I'm sure I forgot loads of examples when trying to compile this list, because I seem to remember movies in the 80s and 90s being full of them. Most shit gangs don't actually do any ganging or crime, but quite often do have a natty theme song, or matching studded leather outfits, giving them the appearance of a Billy Idol lookalike agency.
Another type of shit gang that seems to frequently appear in literature is the gang-with-a-really-crap-objective. Sometimes the purpose of the gang is so lame that it renders them a non-gang.
That's not to say that shit gangs aren't brilliant - they are. They give me hope that even someone as unpopular as me could one day be in a gang, should I choose to do so. Admittedly it would be a shit gang, and I would never want to admit my membership to anyone, but still - I'd be in a gang, and that's at least a bit cool.
Here are some gangs that even I might stand a chance of getting into (or beating in a fight) -
1. Los Locos (Short Circuit 2)
My absolute favourite shit gang ever. Los Locos sort of do some naughty things like nicking car stereos, but not really. Mostly they just climb on fences and sing their theme song -
And on their own they can't even break into one car, not even if there's one car and four of them. When Johnny 5 offers to help, they run away screaming from what they think is a 'Mitsubishi'. Also, they really need to work on their jackets, because it looks like they're called 'Los Laces'.
2. Leroy's gang (Crocodile Dundee 2)
When Mick Dundee gets into a spot of bother, his old mate Leroy rounds up a posse to help him out (you know, because he's black so he must know about gangs).
The gang he goes to round up is pathetic, and Mick takes great delight in pointing out just how shit they are -
In a fight between these guys and Los Locos, Los Locos would win, because at least they try to do some crime and stuff, and they don't just sit around picking on people's jackets.
3. The Foot Clan (Teenage mutant ninja turtles movies)
Ok - THIS is the foot clan -
Let me point something out here - these guys are about 12. The one on the left is possibly 8. These are the deadly assassins hired by Shredder to defeat the turtles? No wonder they fucking lose. Tip for the bad guy - don't recruit fighters who don't even have pubic hair yet, and if you must do that, then especially don't encourage them to get pissed and smoke cigarettes. That's for grown ups like me to do, and I don't have to fight the turtles, so I can do it. But YOU CAN'T.
4. The Camp Gang (Care Bears The Movie 2: A New Generation)
Some background for those of you too manly to watch the Care Bears -
From Wikipedia -
"For the Bears' first Caring Mission, True Heart and stowaway Swift Heart Rabbit (one of the Cousins) travel to Earth and visit a summer camp. There, they meet three of its participants: a girl named Christy, and her friends Dawn and John. A boastful boy nicknamed the "Camp Champ" always defeats them in competitions, and assigns them to trash duty. Christy is unsatisfied at this; she and her friends run away, only to get lost in the woods."
The first Camp Champ was too crap even to have a picture, so here is the second Camp Champ -
It's a ginger kid. A ginger kid is cooler than the previous leader of the gang, who must have been a 42 stone zoophile with acne.
Having said that, This ginger kid is really 'DarkHeart', ruler of all that is evil (in the Care Bears universe, in which evil consists of cooties and Calpol that doesn't taste of strawberry). So DarkHeart can pretty much do what he wants, and what he wants is to make some shit 12 year olds knock over a litter bin then laugh as if they'd just murdered someone. Way to go.
5. Milly Molly Mandy's gang (From Milly Molly Mandy story 'The Gang')
The Milly Molly Mandy stories were written by Joyce Lankester Brisley sometime in the good ole days (pre war?), and featured a mind numbing yet soothing cavalcade of picnic lunches, good deeds and 'lid potatoes' by the fire. But even MMM, heroine of my childhood that she was, could not begin a successful gang, even when she meant to thwart an even worse gang -
Oh my god these guys go around knocking people's hats off. Actually, I imagine that was quite a scandalous thing to do back in the good ole days, when people were required by law to wear a hat and gloves in the street.
What do MMM and her friends do? They form an even more boring gang who go round putting people's hats back on their heads for them. In the end, the naughty gang decide MMM's gang is more fun, and they all go off and play rounders or something. Such is life in the world of lid potatoes.
6. The Boyfriend Club
The Boyfriend Club is comprised of four friends invented by author Janet Quin-Harkin. For a (slightly) more in depth look at this series, I refer you to this post. For now, let me just say that the only thing these guys ever do, ever, is talk about how they all want boyfriends, or how they all have boyfriends, or how they're tired of their boyfriends and want new boyfriends. I don't think these guys even have a secret den or a password. In their defence, at least they claim to be a club rather than a gang. The word 'club' just conjures up images of tea parties and getting free Boyzone stickers in the post. But I had to include them because they're even worse than Milly Molly Mandy's gang, who at least have a den.
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