Today's show is "Cold Cows on Button Moon". Now, as you know, I effing love cows, so this should be a cinch for me right? Wrong. There aren't any actual cows in it for ages, although Rag Doll is a bit of a metaphorical cow. So, here we go!
The moon is so cold that Mr Spoon's bollocks have fallen off! Also, it is so cold that the moon has turned blue! This is exciting, because as we know, this even only happens, well, once in a blue moon. Really, all it means is that there's a different colour button today.
It's cold is pretty much what I'm trying to say. We find the Spoon family dressed like refugees, and drinking mugs of soup even though they have no mouths.
Check out the 80s phone in the spaceship. I do love that phone.
Back to the plot - "Tina wonders who they're going to see on Button Moon." If you cast your minds back to five seconds ago, we saw the ENTIRETY of Button Moon, and there was no one on it. So my guess is no one. You whore.
"Tina thinks the snow looks like pieces of white tissue paper." Maybe because it is?
They all just go back into the spaceship. What a waste of time.
Now we're looking through the telescope at Earth. So. Instead of just staying on Earth and looking at things with your eyes, you decide to be an intergalactic peeping tom? Can't argue with that.
What are they going to see? My guess is some cows. Some cold cows. Just a hunch.
Oh lordy we're in the jungle! And there's a...jungle mouse? What?
Look out mouse, there's a pelican crossing! HA!
Sorry, Lorna the hippo? I happen to have a friend called Lorna who makes me look like a big swamp monster, and I don't think she would take very kindly to a hippo being named in her honour. Oh well, what can I do about it? i'm not the boss of Button Moon.
Wait, and now Lorna the hippo is making sex noises? Eew.
Oh dear, Pelican is in Lorna's spot. Why doesn't she just wash herself in a flower? Or why not just bugger off? Also, why does the hippo have a name and the pelican doesn't? The pelican being called Pelican is like me being called Human. Sort of.
Oh god, now the pelican is doing sex noises - apparently because of a banana on a string.
A crocodile arrives. He says "Oh yeah baby, there's enough room for both of us, why don't you and your curves slip in beside me and get all dirty?" (cue Barry White music)
Oh, and apparently that's the end of that. The crocodile isn't going to try anything on with the hippo. Or kill her as nature intended.
Back to the rocket.
We move to Candlewick field, and, oh here we go - perverted farmer Teddy! he is just constantly getting off on everything, my god. Even hay.
Wait a second - the whistle is frozen up, so he just half heartedly says "toot toot!" Yeah, like that'll work. Please refer to my post on "Daddy Egbert's ding a ling" to see why making stupid noises in place of commercial machinery does not work.
YES! COWS! I like cows. It briefly occurred to me that I could make these very same cows out of rubbish I saved, but then I thought no, I'm nearly 30 with responsibilities. Then I cried a bit.
Even though Ragdoll is making uncalled for sex noises, I love her again. She brought the cows some wellies. Ours is a love-hate relationship.
Note the uncontrollable shaking and hysterical laughter when she mentions pervy farmer teddy.
Perv Teddy is on his way top Candlewick Field. Just as soon as the producer can push the train there. Hahahaha at the Rainbow book as a tunnel - they really did have a budget of 33p.
It must be noted that I don't really really think that Freddy Teddy is a perv, just that he is hopelessly in love with RagDoll, and is frustrated as a result. Thus, everything he says sounds like a come on.
Hey, what? Are they getting hay from the previously barren Button Moon to take to the cows? Who apparently have no hay on EARTH? What.
(I was going to write something there, but then I needed to go for a wee and my train of thought was lost.)
Obligatory shot of cows for pure awesomeness, while the Spoon family climb into the fucking tardis.
Anyway - RagDoll is kind of quiet and staring off into the distance after her accident. I'll let you draw your own conclusions from that. Although she does edge closer to Perv teddy towards the end, the big tease.