Gladiators - poking each other with sticks for cash

Remember that show where men wore bikinis and kicked each other in the balls? And where women wore bikinis and kicked each other in the balls? That show was called Gladiators, and I bloody loved it as a kid.
It was classic Saturday night TV. Every week, four spindly and useless hopefuls competed in a series of physical events against a group of 8 feet tall, 88 stone Fitness Today magazine cover stars, known as the Gladiators.

The spindly ones would usually lose so, in the spirit of fairness/in order to not look stupid, the producers decided to pit the two spindly contenders against each other in the final event - the Eliminator. Whoever won the Eliminator won the entire show, and since it was essentially a race up a downwards escalator, all the preceding events were a bit pointless.

Most people remember these goings on, but what is sometimes less well remembered is that each Gladiator had his or her own distinct personality and characteristics. Some could hit hard, others could kick hard. One wore sunglasses, I think.

In this post I shall introduce you to the 12 original powerhouses, who reigned before the producers ended up adding more new people than even the church of Scientology could hope to hoodwink in one year. Prepare to be awed!

1. WAZZOCK

At 74, Wazzock is the oldest living Gladiator, but don't let the slippers fool you - he's every bit as tough as he was in 1972, when he made his fortune through cock fighting.

Special skills - nagging

Best event - Shopathon

2. SKELETOR 

This lady may look all sweetness and light, but one flick of her extendable hair and you'll be phoning Claims Direct!

Special skills - lawn mowing

Best event - Ultimate hungry hippos

BUM

This mean eyed monster will pound you into the ground if you dare to call him 'four eyes'. He does, however, respond quite favourably to being called 'six eyes'.

Special skills, speed reading, bingo

Best event - Library card hunt

4. WENGE

This lady may look curvy, but she is actually made entirely out of wood. That accounts for her rock hard abs, and also for the way you can calculate her age by cutting her in half and counting the rings.

Special skills - witchcraft

Best event - Coin Toss

5. BUNGLE 

This guy is the big bear with a big heart. But don't be fooled - he once killed an old lady for pushing in front of him in a supermarket queue - what a guy!

Special skills - brain surgery

Best event - John-a-thon

6. FAIL

Known better by his nickname of 'The guy with the weird headhands', Fail is a sadly overlooked Gladiator. He is, however, a record holder. As of 2013, Fail held the official KFC 'most bargain buckets on your head in one go' title. Not to be sniffed at!

7. BRA

This lady is pretty 'aBRAsive'! Do you see what I did there? Good. Bra was the Gladiator best known as 'that fit one off of Gladiators'. But she also packs a punch - how many women do you know who can open a Diet Coke can with one hand? Yes indeed.

Special skills - boob juggling, tittering

Best event - Mammoth Balls

8. ENNUI

Complete with beret, this philosophising Gladiator will stop you in your tracks with his double attack - quoting both Hobbes and Rousseau in one go! Don't let him corner you, as he will talk about how everything is meaningless for forty seven minutes, rendering you deaf, dumb and blind.

Special skills - epistemology

Best event - Northener Spotting

9. PARP

One of the more elusive Gladiators when it comes to publicity, Parp is named for her unlucky but effective trait - one gust of wind from her and you'll be out cold until doomsday!

Special skills - trumpeting

Best event - Air Badminton

10. JESUS

He walks on water, he heals the sick, and he can knock someone off a podium with a stick, most times. With a winning smile like that, you'll be converted in no time!

Special skills - Arm wrestling, wordsearch

Best event - Mass

11. CILLIT BANG

This Gladiator will clean you up in no time! Named after the popular cleaning product, as her blood is 74% sulfamic acid. Don't get fresh with her!

Special skills - pork chopping

Best event - Time Machine Tussle

12. SHENANIGANS

The bad boy of the bunch, referee John Alderton always found himself having to call 'shenanigans' during this feisty dude's run on the show. Bear baiting, tickling, pantomime booing, this baddie has no qualms about using underhanded tactics to beat his opponents!

Special skills - dicking about, coffee

Best event - Car Park Fighting

And there we go - 12 of the best human specimens known to man. Run and hide under your duvet cover at the sheer magnitude of these wildebeest! And remember the famous slogan - if it ain't on the mat - rat a tat tat!