My top five 10p rides - for the two year old adrenaline junkie

If, like me, you regularly queue up to ride the Fiery Fist O pain -

Then chances are you will have, at some point, started much smaller. When I was a kid, you could get a cheap thrill for 10p almost anywhere, in the shape of a coin operated ride. Yes, I know they have them now, but they're not the same – they all cost at least a pound, a lot are covered in corporate sponsorship, and they won't let me on them anymore. That's a shame, because the LazyTown ride in Morrisons looks fab. Where was I?

So, for 10p you would climb on, strap yourself in, and whoosh off to giddying heights of up to TWO FEET off the ground. Alternatively you'd whizz around at stomach churning speeds of 0.5mph.

I loved them, and here are my top five 10p rides -

Postman Pat -

I'm cheating a bit here, because this was slightly after my ride riding heyday, but come on, this is one of the classics. Everyone's been on one, or knows someone who's been on one. There's one outside the sweet shop in my town centre; you can always hear its jaunty music, accompanied by the tempestuous wails of grumpy children that want another go, and the even grumpier children who are still queuing up for their first go.

You sit in Pat's van (right next to Pat, if you please), and the van...just...kind of wobbles about a bit. Great fun to be had trying to fit in the van as an adult.

Rocket ship -

This was ace because of all the lights and buttons inside the cockpit – you really felt as if you were on an Apollo mission (not Apollo 13, unless there was a power cut). You sat in the cockpit, held on (if you were a wimp), and the rocket would go up and down while twisting round a bit. This ride gets into the top 5 for its immersive theming (the buttons you could press that went WOOWOOWOOWOO).

Helicopter -

Similar to the rocket ship, but this ride places higher for scare value. The rocket ship went up about a foot while staying firmly rooted to its base, but the helicopter soared to heights of up to 5 FEET! I know this to be true because I was often level with the top of my parents. Not that my parents were only 5 feet tall, but, you know, the base and stuff.

The helicopter extended on a metal bracket thing, and as such would wobble precariously, making the rider fear death. Very good value for money.

Horse -

I was always terrified on this ride, but that didn't stop me going on it all the fucking time (sorry Mum and Dad). You sat on the horse (obviously), and it alternated between a gentle canter and an all out catch the bad guy 60mph gallop, during which you were lucky if you managed to stay on. I still ride horses now, but the one I currently ride just sniffs when I tell him to do something. Thanks to this ride, I know the answer is to insert another 10p.

Mini Wheel

Here we have it – the ultimate ride. Does what it says on the tin – you sit there and go round and round, accompanied by lovely music. I must add, though, that while I rode the pictured model a lot, it wasn't my favourite. I can't find a picture of my favourite Mini Wheel anywhere, but it was red, white and blue, and it played the beginning of “Stars And Stripes Forever”. I think my parents once got into a row with the other parents in the queue, because I flat refused to get off it. Again, sorry Mum and Dad.

10 things I learned from watching Spongebob Squarepants

I don't just watch Spongebob Squarepants because I have a mental age of five. I also watch it so I can hang on to something resembling a moral compass in my chaotic, cock-fighting life. I tell you, the Bible, the Qur'an, even Lord of the Rings have nothing on the teachings of the spongey guru.

1. Always look on the bright side of things - it's good to be optimistic

   Episode of note - every single one 

You never see Spongebob being a pessimistic, world loathing fuck. That's because Squidward was put in the sea to do just that. While Squidward is attempting to combust with anger, Spongebob can be found following the code set by Tony Robbins, Richard Simmons or similar. And things always turn out alright for Bob, while Squidward generally ends us with a face full of snail poo and his house repossessed.

2. Learn how to laugh at yourself

     Episode of note - "Squirrel Jokes"

It's all very well attempting to make yourself look big by making others look small, but you can guarantee in life that you can't laugh at yourself, everyone else will do it for you. No one ever thought badly of someone who fell over and laughed about it, but plenty thought badly of someone who fell over, then proceeded to cry, blame everyone else, and shit their pants.

3. Pursue your dreams, even if the money is terrible

Episode of note - "Help Wanted"

Spongebob spends his days at the Krusty Krab up to his elbows in grease, scrubbing out toilets, and having to work with Squidward. In one episode it is revealed that Spongebob had to pay Mr Krabs to let him work there in the beginning. Despite this, he's happier than I would be if someone paid me a million quid to go to Alton Towers for the day. Spongebob loves his job. The moral of this story? There's no point earning £10,000 a day if you go into work every morning feeling like... well... like Squidward.

4. One good turn deserves another

Episode of note - "Best Day Ever"

Bob has big plans. He's going to spend the entire day doing all the things he loves with all his best friends. But things don't go to plan, and instead Bob is forced to spend the day sorting out the above friends' individual catastrophes. Instead of branding him a doormat and demanding to borrow fivers, Bob's friends realise what he's done for them, and work together to give him an extra special end to the day (not a "happy ending", you filthy perverts). Spongebob ends up having a better time than, say, if he'd just stood around and let everyone die.

5. Never stop trying

Episode of note - any where Spongebob takes, and fails, his driving test

Spongebob will pass his driving test one day. This is a certainty. However, it wouldn't be a certainty if Spongebob gave up and decided to get the bus for the rest of his life instead. Where would we be if everyone decided to give up and 'get the bus'? Nothing great would ever be achieved, nothing great would have been invented, England would never have won the World Cup, and the buses would be awfully crowded.

6. You're braver than you think

Episode of note - "Roller Cowards"

People tell me I do brave things. I have tattoos, I go on rollercoasters. I've even been known to eat my mother's infamous sausage curry. I'm not a particularly brave person, in fact I'm scared of most things most of the time. However, I feel the fear and do it anyway. Once you make up your mind to do that, it's amazing what kind of things you can achieve. Whether it's riding the Fiery Fist O Pain, or asking out your crush, life becomes more exciting when the thought of possibly soiling yourself doesn't stop you. 

7. Don't fall for scams - or - if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is

Episode of note - "Karate Island"

"Spongebob, you've been crowned King of Karate despite not being very good. Please come and accept your award." "Jenny, I am a Nigerian prince who needs your help to transfer my vast fortune to the UK." "You, yes you, can lose three stone in just three days, by eating only chocolate!" "With my genuine magic powers, I can make the man of your dreams fall in love with you for only 6 easy payments of £1,999." Do you see?

8. Everyone has a talent

Episode of note - "Big Pink Loser"

We're not all supermodels, or nuclear physicists, or Olympic athletes. And trust me, it's not easy being all three. But Naomi Campbell couldn't understand quantum entanglement (or Quantum dishwashing powder). Stephen Hawking might never win 'Miss Butlins Bikini'. And I'm pretty sure Usain Bolt couldn't do a spot on impression of her majesty Mrs Queen. We all bring something different to the party, as Patrick finds out in this episode. He won't win any prizes trying to beat Spongebob at his game, but he wins one by playing his own game. He is the best at doing nothing, and doing nothing is definitely a talent. Again, trust me on that.

9. Don't try to be something you're not

Episode of note - "No Weenies Allowed"

On a similar note to above, it does not do to pretend to be something that goes against your very nature in order to impress someone else, or to prove a point. Not only will you probably fail and look stupid, but have you thought about what you'd do if you actually succeeded? No, neither have I, because I've never succeeded at anything. But suppose you did, are you prepared for this occurrence? Best case scenario - you'll have to keep up the pretense forever. Worst case scenario - you'll get injured and end up in Weenie Hut General with a boo-boo. Stick to who you are, and if people don't like it, chances are they suck and they're not worth your time anyway.

10. Sit there and do nothing, and the Magic Conch will take care of everything

Episode of note - "Club Spongebob"

If you ever find yourself stranded in the woods, you don't have to worry. Just ask the Magic Conch what you should do. If it says "do nothing", then that is what you must do. Have faith, and a picnic table full of food will eventually fall out of the sky. This last one was a bit of a joke, but thinking about it, I guess you could also say 'stop worrying so much, because things will generally turn out ok in the end'. Unless you don't have a Magic Conch, then you're screwed.