Just a quick update -

This weekend marks my one year anniversary of occasionally spewing out some half hearted nonsense about shows no one remembers. To celebrate I shall be doing a review of the Rainbow Christmas Pantomime, hooray! I know for a fact that this particular festive piece is massively popular, because I have sold three copies of it on video to three different people in three days. My dad suggested these people were panic buying for Christmas, but really - can you think of any occasion that would demand the urgent acquisition of a 1987 festive transvestite festival like this? Me neither. Christmas or not, the whole thing is on Youtube anyway. Actually I don't have much room to talk - I was the one who owned three copies of this video in the first place.

In the meantime, here is a lovely photo of Geoffrey dressed as his own mother -

Time for some Geoffrey

I'm working tonight, so I don't really have much time to sit around watching Rainbow. This is a tragedy indeed, but it won't stop me giving you guys a minute or two of Geoffrey dicking about. Enjoy -

My favourite theme tunes

Good evening. I wrote most of this post while I was queuing for a lecture today. The rest of it was written ten minutes into said lecture when I looked at the lecturer and thought 'I don't have a fucking clue what you're talking about'. Since that made me feel inadequate and I needed to go to my happy place, I decided to go back and finish mooning over some musical slices of my childhood.

1. Maid Marian and her Merry Men -

Although this song came at the end of the episode rather than the beginning, it's still the theme tune because A) the beginning didn't really have music as such, B) everyone knows this word for word, and C) it's fucking awesome. What makes it so fab is the simple, 4 or 5 note melody that makes it easy to remember. Also, it always follows something brilliant happening, usually involving the Sheriff of Nottingham getting covered in mud. Plus, the show was set in Worksop, 5 miles from where I grew up. Thus, this song was performed every morning by the class at my school, in lieu of hymns or a pledge of allegiance. I may or may not be lying.

2. The Family Ness - "You'll never find a Nessie in the zoo" -

I realise this is another closing theme, but I have good reasons for choosing it. While its counterpart at the beginning is equally catchy and well written, the closing song is the one I'm really in love with. Especially the above, which is the full length version that appears at the end of the last episode. It's heartwarming and cheery all in one, and I love it. Since, by this time, the audience has come to know and love the Nessies so much, it's great to know they'll always get one over on people trying to Poach them for Chester Zoo, Disneyland or similar. That means they'll never have to spend their days cooped up in front of a load of snotty kids throwing McPeanuts at them out of boredom. My favourite part is at 0:33, where the Nessies are all doing the 'Fuck you Mr Zookeeper' dance.

3. Around the world with Willy Fog -

I have become a recent convert to this show, despite my previous scathing attack (half arsed rambling). One of the main reasons for this sudden change of heart is that BLOODY theme tune! Addictive is not the word - it is the crack cocaine of the 80s cartoon theme tune world. To give you some reference point, Clangers or Bagpuss might be considered as being Horlicks - dreamy, comforting and sweet. This song, on the other hand, where do I start? Oh sure, you might be immune the first time you hear it but trust me, you won't be left in peace for long. Just how is any mortal supposed to resist a tune that takes 'jaunty' to a level never before experienced by man, woman or lion? Then there is Fog's singing voice, which we have all tried to replicate after a few drinks. And when I say we, I mean me.

4. Count Duckula -

A dark horse in the line up here, one that many might pass over in favour of its more famous cousin, Dangermouse. I, however, do not like to run with the herd. Of course I already have a soft spot for this show for several reasons. Firstly, it was created by Cosgrove Hall (of 'Lines and Shapes' fame). Secondly, it combines two of my favourite things in the world - vampires and ducks. So, even if this theme tune was shit I'd still love it. But shit it is not; ace it is. This song just screams '80s power rock' at you - so much so that it could have been performed by Meat Loaf, and probably was, one night in a karaoke bar somewhere.

A slow, creepy build up, followed by the obligatory snappy drum intro, then wallop - straight into big hair, high notes and power chords. Love it.

5. Pokemon (U.S. version)

Possibly an entry that doesn't quite fit in with the rest of this list - in fact, I only discovered the Pokemon cartoons a couple of years ago, but have been working my way through them with rapt adoration ever since. The show is one of those rare treats that come around every so often. From a distance it might strike you as another shouting, epilepsy inducing cartoon for hyperactive 10 year old boys, but dig deeper and it becomes charming, slightly insane and hilariously funny, not to mention it has characters you care about and a plot you want to follow.

So, the theme tune. Why is it on my list? I'm just going to put my hands up on this one and say pure-damn-catchiness. Plus when you hear it, you know an episode of Pokemon is about to start, which is a 10 on the 'fuck you, I may be 28 but I'm cool' scale.

Honourable mention - Chorlton and the Wheelies

Do not - I repeat - do not accidentally listen to this theme tune when you are having sex, or are about to have sex. It happened to me and an old boyfriend. We were getting down to it one night, and I'd left a random 80s cartoons DVD playing. All of a sudden an entire orchestra of Carry On style whistles and springs piped up. Needless to say, our ardour was replaced by fits of giggles. A million times better than a cold shower, but we still laugh about it now. Those were the days.

Scotch-ness, drunken-ness and ginger-ness

Time to cover another obscure show, and this time it's that staple of a very narrow slice of every 80s childhood - The Family Ness. Created by Peter Maddocks, also of Penny Crayon (drunken hen night Su Pollard) fame, the first episode is entitled "Elspeth and Angus meet the Loch Ness Monster." This shouldn't come as too much of a surprise given the premise of the show - a family of Loch Ness monsters and the kids who meet them. Who are called Elspeth and Angus. And that's pretty much it. All sorts of hilarious-ness ensues.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then we shall begin.

Our Scotch story begins with Mr McToot shouting at his kids, or something. Mr McToot is actually purple. Not David Dickinson purple - proper Victoria Plum, Monster Munch, Ribena purple. Not only that, but he appears to be current defending champion of the annual "How many Scottish stereotypes can you fit into one person" competition. To defend his title, all he needs to do now is to shout "There's a moose loose aboot this hoose!" possibly with or without being on heroin.

The children run off to play on a hill that has just appeared out of nowhere, although they don't seem to notice that. What they do notice is that the hill is alive - not in a "Sound of Music" way, more of a "Oh well done, you just jumped on a huge plesiosaur and have probably killed it, I hope you're proud of yourself" kind of way. As a result, the Nessie inexplicably manages to turn round in the hole so its legs are now waving about.

"Come on Elspeth, let's try to pull it out!" Snigger. Sometimes I wish I was a real grown up.

Elspeth climbs up it and slides down its tail. Exactly how is treating the thing like a goddamn Wacky Warehouse going to help?

Another Nessie turns up, while the first Nessie is still stuck with its arse in the air. this new Nessie is the aptly names Ferocious-ness. I'm not so sure about ferocious, but it certainly does look a bit miffed - I would say roughly the level of ire found when someone drops a clean spoon on the kitchen floor and has to wash it again. Also, rather than being really ferocious and eating the kids, Ferocious-ness just points at them a bit.

Right, let's just have a quick recap here shall we? Elspeth and Angus - you now have indisputable proof of the existence of the Loch Ness Monster. more than that, you're actually seeing it with your own four eyes. More than that, you're seeing the monster's shit-scary older brother. More than that, he speaks! English! At no point are these kids anything other than entirely nonplussed at these events, and for this I take my tartan hat off to them.

The queen Nessie appears. Is it just me or does the queen Nessie sound an awful lot like a flummoxed Professor McGonagall? You can jus

t hear this one saying "Faaaaiiiive pooints too Gryffindoooor!"

Now there's one wearing a swimming costume. What.

At 2:58 I could have sworn some of them had their tits out, but unfortunately I was wrong -

You should never have to save a picture to your PC entitled "Nessie Tits".

By the way, absolutely no one else is noticing all this

going on. Oh wait, i stand corrected, that tractor man has seen them now.

Ok, so, they all pull the stupid one out of the hole, hurrah! Crisis averted. As a reward, the queen gives Elspeth and Angus magic whistle things that can be used to call the Nessies whenever they're in trouble/need a pic for the tabloids. The kids have a celebratory weeee -

Meanwhile, tractor man has gone to the police station to, what? Get the Loch Ness Monster arrested? What exactly is he hoping to achieve by telling the police? Luckily the cop on duty doesn't believe him. As he points to the calendar, we see it's APRIL FOOLS DAY! D'oh! Wait, hang on a minute, so the cop doesn't believe him because it's April 1st? Or are we not meant to believe anything that happened in the entire episode because it's April 1st? Which is it?

This conundrum brings us to the end of the first exciting episode. Stick around for the closing tune, because you'll never see a Nessie in the zoo. Even if you, erm, knock it and rock it and stuff.

Sweep, Sweep, Sweep, Sweep, Sweep and Sweep

There are certain facts about any television show in the Sooty franchise that are generally acknowledged by all. In fact, the following assertions have been unanimously agreed upon in various scientific peer review journals -

1. The show is infinitely better when a member of the Corbett dynasty is at the helm. For my money, Matthew C was the silliest, therefore the best. Not to mention his moonlighting on Rainbow.

2. Nobody likes Soo. Ever.

3. Sooty is ok as far as legless bears go, but he only really comes into his own when he's mucking about and being stupid with Sweep.

Which brings me to my final point -

4. Sweep should have been the star of the show. This is not up for debate.

I mean, who would you rather follow the adventures of - a stupid, loud, sarcastic but hilarious dog with a kazoo for a voice, or a mute yellow bear thing that is consorting with that woman Soo? Exactly.

With this in mind, the following clip is from my favourite ever episode, "Sweep's Family." I think you'll see why, but especially note the running round in circles at the beginning, the names of Sweep's cousins, the spontaneous family singing, and the dog with the brilliant afro. And, of course, the way they were all able to evict Soo from her own bedroom. har har.

Lines, Shapes and Loveliness

Once again I am called back to this blog for an unhappy reason. Yesterday I saw the news that another member of the Rainbow gang had passed away. Mark Hall, of Cosgrove Hall fame, is remembered by everyone of a certain age, I'm sure. The memories are for various reasons - Dangermouse, Chorlton and the Wheelies, Count Duckula, but I would like to deviate from this trend and say that, to me, he will always be one of the Lines and Shapes guys.

You know the deal - those squeaky, clanging, creepy yet hilarious "animations" (see - things coming to life on their fucking own with the help of disjointed spacetime) that acted as charming breaks between scenes in most episodes of the 'bow. Quite frequently had cows in them, and as you know, I love cows.

Since my writing is sporadically adequate at best, I decided to let George do the talking for me on this one -