Jesus Mary and Joseph! And Bungle.

Happy Christmas! Or, if you're a disgusting atheist like me, happy anniversary of Mary lying to Joseph about not being a slag ("God did it"? Good luck proving that on the Jeremy Kyle show). I bring festive tidings and a post about the Rainbow Nativity -

Coming up in this episode -

Poking the Virgin Mary -

Bungle wearing clothes! (of sorts) -

Rod with an ace glued on beard -

And so our epic saga begins. Geoffrey, of course, is the narrator, because none of the others can fucking read.

Also, I will apologise in advance for the terrible sound quality, but it's been surprisingly hard to find a video of this episode. Will be replaced as soon a possible. Please don't kill me.

Now, I don't need to give a blow by blow account of the plot here, because it's the most well known story in the world, possibly apart from anything involving those epic twats Edward and Bella. Mary cons Joseph into believing that, since she only cheated on him with God, it's all ok, and that he should still get his act together and provide for this baby. Joseph's point that, since God presumably has a lot of money, he should stump up some cash for the baby, goes largely unheard.

Jane and Freddy are Mary and Joseph, which is appropriate since they are boning in real life. And they apparently live in a barn, or on some noodles -

That isn't the ghost of Jane next to Jane by the way, that's just the ghost of VHS recording.

The big fat hairy Angel Gabriel appears, showing his holy and sacred bum. He proceeds to forget Jesus' name, and Mary has to whisper it to him, thus proving beyond all doubt that she is in cahoots with him and God. He should have just done what any good actor would have done, and made up another name. I mean, Mary and Joseph were hardly going to argue with him, were they? What with him being all holy and stuff.

"You must call him Reptar!"

So Mary's up the stick, blah blah blah. The couple have to go pay their taxes in Bethlehem. They weren't going to bother, but they know God's watching them now, and he might rat them out to the Inland Revenue. So off they go, on a rocking horse -

Joseph is happily derping along, but Mary is obviously looking at Joseph and thinking "I can't believe I married this moron." The selfish bitch doesn't even let him have a go on the rocking horse.

When they get to Bethlehem, it's really busy, what with it being Christmas.

Zippy, as usual, is the best character - THE INNKEEPER. He supplies the good and the holy of Bethlehem with booze -

After all the other Travelodges have told Mary and Joseph to fuck right off, they wind up at Chez Zippy. He's full too, but then he's full all year round because his is the only inn with strippers. However, Zippy is able to offer them a stable to sleep in. This should be absolutely fine for our pregnant pair because, as we know, they are used to sleeping on noodles at home.

You know how this bit goes. Mary fucks off to the stable to plop out her baby, which is some kind of tiny tears doll. Everything is lovely, Mary doesn't appear to have stretch marks or piles, or even to have got her vag out at any point. This truly is a magical tale.

Meanwhile, the big fat hairy Angel Gabriel is out looking for sycophants to come and ass kiss the happy couple, and bring him Pampers and stuff. First he finds three shepherds knocking about -

one of which is the Innkeeper, but we won't mention that, sssshhhhhhhh. Gabriungle bullies them into leaving their livelihoods and going to see some brat whose parents they've never met. THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN THESE DAYS...

Anyway, next Gabriungle buggers off to see the three kings, who look remarkably like the three shepherds -

but again, we won't mention that, ssshhhhhhh. All I will say is that it's going to be interesting when all six of them are together in the same stable.

The kings wend their way to the stable - ALL TOGETHER NOW -

We three kings of orient are

one in a taxi one in a car

one on a scooter, pipping his hooter

wearing a wonderbra...

OHHHHHHHHHHH... (etc)

The shepherds and kings all arrive at the same time, although the shepherds are never seen in the same shot as the three kings. But we won't mention that, ssshhhhhhhh. They all give the baby Jesus an Xbox and some Matalan vouchers, then we are treated to a lovely rendition of 'Ding dong merrily on high' by Rod Jane and Freddy wearing coats -

And that's very nearly the end, apart for some general Christmas dicking about in the Rainbow house, and Bungle not taking his costume off. He'll probably keep it on until he's required to play Rapunzel or something, and thus to wear a prettier dress.

And now I'm off to have my Christmas. This post is a bit early because now I shall be working until the 27th, after which I shall crash out and watch reruns of The Foster and Allen Christmas Show.

A shedload of videos...

I know I haven't posted for a bajillion years - this has been mostly due to starting work and generally being a very busy bee. However, last weekend the mister brought round dozens of old VHS tapes he found in his loft. We haven't finished sorting through them yet, but among the television delights we've found so far are -

Late 80s adult Jackanory and all round insanity festival cum back of someone's Snappy Snaps holiday photo envelope Five to Eleven -

Acapella Shakin' Stevens tribute act The Flying Pickets on what appears to be Pebble Mill At One -

About eighty seven episodes of whistly theme-tuned extraterrestrial cartoon The Little Green Man -

And enough episodes of Postman Sodding Pat to make us cry whenever we stumbled upon yet another one. More coming soon when I have a day off, and am not inclined to spend it sitting around in my pants watching Bid TV.

Scarborough - home of animal sex congas

Me and the mister had a weekend away in sunny Scarborough this weekend, where we trawled round the worst (best) gift shops in the world during breaks from spending £10,000 in 2p machines. During this expedition we noticed an alarming pattern - the shops are very fond of flogging bags of copulating animals and dinosaurs. Some of the following orgies are very impressive indeed - our favourite was the farm animal anal conga, but they are all pioneers in their own special way -

My favourite 80s adverts

Sometimes, when I have nothing better to do, I'll sit around in my pants watching ad breaks and continuity from the 80s. What do you mean how the hell did I ever get a boyfriend? Anyway, since I have a free afternoon, I've decided to write about my favourite adverts. Because it's too cold to sit around in my pants.

Here are my top 5 pieces of corporate flogging propoganda from back when I was a nipper -

5. Smiths crisps -

Cuteness overload, and that's why I love it so much. I've always been a sucker for cute food, be it parachuting chicken McNuggets, or singing vegetables on Sesame Street. You'd think it would be the other way round, and that I'd refuse to eat such darlings. Not so - "Oh look, it's talking and has pretty eyes, I'm going to nom that."

4. Terrys Pyramint -

NO ONE ever remembers this advert, ever. For years I thought the Pyramint was made by Fry's, which was hell in the days before Google knew everything. I never actually had a Pyramint, but apparently they were like eating a whole box of After Eights in one go, with the added bonus of not having to wait until after eight o clock to eat it.

3. Trebor Softmints - 

With an ace song performed by Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel. I only know this because I used to go out with someone who was really into Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel. I ask you, have you ever met anyone who's "really into Steve Harley and Cockney Rebel"? He was a bit strange. Although he must have been really, to want to go out with me.

2. Kia Ora - 

Here's how I think Kia Ora Ltd and Wefuckwithyourmindadvertising plc came up with the concept for this advert -

1. Everyone in the meeting writes down their worst nightmares on scraps of paper.

2. They also grab an encyclopedia and, blindfolded, point to random articles, which also get transferred to scraps of paper.

3. All the paper goes into a hat.

4. The men stand around the hat, naked

5. The women run the cold tap until all the men need to piss.

6. The men piss in the hat, and whichever pieces of paper come out the wettest are incorporated into the advert's storyboard.

There is no other explanation.

1. Scotch video tapes -

Not only my favourite advert, but one of my favourite things to watch, ever. As regular readers know, I love skellingtons. And one of the few ways a skellington can be improved is by having it sing a Rolling Stones cover with the voice of Please Sir's Derek Guyler. He's even wearing a tie, because he's so swish. I wish Scotch would bring this advert back, but that would involve beginning to mass produce video tapes again, at enormous cost, and probably no one would even buy them. I would though, because I love skellingtons.

Maybe Jerry stole Tom's dole money...

I've been meaning to show you guys this picture for a while, but I never quite knew where to start with it. It was taken on a visit to Rufford country park in Nottinghamshire. A jolly good day was had by all, especially when we stumbled across a children's merry-go-round with the following decor -

Before I go on, I just want to draw your attention to the enormity of what you are witnessing here. Here are your childhood memories, stamped on and mangled by dodgy men who run the waltzers on a weekend.

Where do I start? Jerry's newly acquired beer belly, which is so huge it actually drags on the ground? Tom's casual stroll, with which he's apparently still able to catch up with Jerry, who is at full sprint? The way that Jerry is near enough the same size as Tom?

All these are fine features indeed, but what really makes this fresco true art is what Tom is holding in his hand. He is chasing Jerry with a baseball bat. A baseball bat with a goddamn nail through it. I don't remember this in any Tom and Jerry episodes, ever. Sure, there were pianos dropped on heads, and dogs set on cats, but at no point did Tom plump for the average northern skinhead gang's weapon of choice. It all seems so wrong somehow, like Tom is about to start Drinking Stella and wearing a vest.

Having said that, I still would have gone on the merry-go-round if I'd been able to. It was one of those ace ones from the 80s, with a double decker bus you can sit on. Unfortunately, I just missed the height and weight limit by about 2 feet. And about 6 stone.

Two things I bought today...

Here's a tip - never let me go to Asda with money. For a cool £2.25p, I got the following TERRIFYING sundries -

1. Frankenstein mask - 25p

Unfortunately, upon closer inspection I realised I'd been accidentally dicking about with the elastic, which is why my alter ego now has a white line over its eyes. On reflection, I decided it was scarier that way. Plus I couldn't be arsed to take another photo.

2. Haunted picture - £2.00

This may look like an ordinary cheapo plastic painting to you, but it holds a terrible secret. 

Look what happens when you try to walk away from its deathly glare -

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Skellingtons! And one of the skellingtons has a fork! Although to be fair he already had a fork, so that shouldn't really give him extra scary points. Plus they both look like happy skellingtons, who just want to drink lemonade and play rummy or something.

Rainbow - running away with the circus

Good evening. Today's Rainbow story is a moral tale about running away from your problems, and why you should never buy things from Teleshopping -

I is been drawn on this weekend

I've been and done it - the thing I've been wanting to do for ages (not that you'd know that because I've never mentioned any ambition other than one day getting my Jerry beads). I got a Sonic tattoo! Luckily for me, my brother in law is a tattoo artist, and a damn good one at that (thank god, although I do realise I would have had to say he was brill anyway, otherwise Christmas would be awkward). Bargain price on account of A) family, and B) my birthday prez. Me and the mister went to tattoo Jam in glamorous Doncaster for the grand event, where we watched women in bras sticking nails in their noses, drank beer, had quarrels because of too much heat and too many people, and considered buying Mr Krabs earrings. All in all a pleasant day, although much more fun was when we got home and watched Knightmare in bed.

Anyhoo, here it is!

Next stop, a big massive Skeletor on my arm. It's either that or Treguard or Rod Jane and Freddy on my bum. Or a sign saying 'Insert coins here'.

Wooooooo, scary time!

My blog has reached the spooky sum of 666 views! To be honest, the genuinely spooky and baffling thing is how it even got one view. Anyway, to celebrate, here is a terrifying photo of me pulling off my own hand -

Care Bears - A friend for Frances

Good afternoon. I remember having this book when I was very small, and absolutely loving it. I was therefore surprised when the time came to acquire a new copy, and I found that it was actually really rare and could now only be found in America. Lord knows how small-me ended up with a copy. One of life's great mysteries. Anyhoo.

So lets bugger right off into a world of schizophrenic children, gambling and time travel in this timeless tome -

There are the Care Bears, and their job is to make you feel all fuzzy and shit. I like Good Luck Bear the best - not only is he upside down, but I like to imagine he would go with you to the betting shop, where he would provide you with a lucky punt, then the two of you would go to the pub to spend all your winnings on Guinness. Also of note is Grumpy Bear. I must say, I always wondered why Grumpy Bear was in this rabble, since his main message appears to be 'everything is crap'. because of this, I like him a lot. Obviously.

And now - onto the story!

Frances is starting at a new school, and is worried about not making any friends. This is because Frances is a loser, and a schizophrenic one at that, as we shall see presently. Is it me or does Frances' mother look younger than her?

Frances snogs her mother and heads to the bus stop.

Now we get to it. Frances, on a completely normal walk to the bus stop, is accosted by a green talking bear. She is not the least bit alarmed by this. "Oh, I had to kill those people, the green bear told me to!" 

Luckily, the green bear asks her to do no such thing (although she'll still probably make that bit up in court later). The bear just gives her a 4 leaf clover. Incidentally, where is her mother when all this is going on? The bus stop is only across the road, so surely her mother would have stood at the door and made sure she got on the bus safely. Perhaps she just can't stand the sight of Frances.

She turns to wave at the bear from the bus, but the bear has disappeared. I am so surprised right now.

Oh for fuck's sake! Frances is so goddamn passive aggressive it hurts. She sits at the back, like right at the back, where no one's been for about three years, then proceeds to bitch when no one talks to her. What's she going to do when she gets to school, lock herself in a cupboard and complain that no one is staring at her? Then she opens her pity party up properly - "Oh, I bet everyone's horrible, I bet everyone will try to kill me, I wish I'd never been born, no one understands me, waaah waaah waaah!"

Ok, maybe I'm being a bit harsh on a fictional 8 year old girl, but come on. Grrr.

Oh, so she had friends before did she? Now I really am surprised. Look, there she goes, into Being A Reasonable Person 101. Ignoring the spirit of the class completely, she begins to obsess over the girl at the pencil sharpener, who Frances wishes she was. She's pretty, and popular, with earrings to die for! In other words, she is a threat to Frances, and must be destroyed immediately. Probably.

Right. So because no one knows you yet, therefore can't make an in joke about you, you feel like everyone hates you. Chill the fuck out you whore.

Ermergerd! Popular girl Holly didn't get an in joke either! But Frances doesn't notice this, because she's busy with Schizo bear again. This time he is floating in mid air.

Oh wait, this is another bear, I see. So she has not just one imaginary bear stalker, but many. Good. 

"If you think about others your wish will come true." In other words, stop being such a selfish bitch Frances. You whore.

Frances eats lunch on her own, but shock horror, so does popular girl Holly! God Frances, do not befriend this girl. She will probably end up stealing your husband when you're grown up. Jus' sayin'.

God, she even has a better lunch box. Seriously Frances, watch out.

Wow, already Holly is being stalked by eager male admirers. oh wait no, They're being dicks.

"Get the fuck off our table" shouts one boy.

"Go fuck yourself" replies Holly.

Unfortunately, the boys then threaten to kill Holly, so she reluctantly leaves. Frances watches this, saying diddly squat. I'm torn here. Is Frances just a pathetic drip? Or has she seen the future courtesy of her magic talking bear friends, and decided to let Holly get killed, thus being able to keep her husband, in a weird Back To The Future knock off I may or may not have just invented?

Oh good, we're back to Frances and her imaginary friends now. Frances has an office chair in her garden, for some reason.

A wild hallucination appears. Frances actually seems surprised now. About fucking time. 

"Which one are you?" she asks. Not -

"Oh God, not again!"

"Am I really going crazy?"

"Where are my pills?"

Note what Frances says here - "I wanted to be nice...but no one talked to me. I was all alone and wished that someone would notice me. I felt awful" (said the accused in court, seven days after gunning down her classmates. "Also, the bear told me to do it.")

Hallucination bear tries to reason with Frances, telling her that Holly must be as unhappy as she is, despite being much, much prettier, and (as we find out later) much, much better at everything. Frances is left pondering while ginger bear scampers behind a tree to have a poo. Guess that answers that question then.

Oh godddd, sports day. the chance for unpopular kids to make loads of new friends. Did I mention that I saw a flying pig yesterday?

So, blah blah blah, Holly wins, of course she bloody does. Therefore, due to a fuck up by a previous runner that wasn't Frances' fault, everyone now loves Holly and hates Frances. 

After the racing fiasco, Frances tries to remember what the hallucination bears kept telling her, but it keeps slipping from her drug addled mind. Something about friends? Something about 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer'? That must have been it, she decides.

Ok, even I feel bad for Frances now. Holly has most probably ruined Frances' life (because, mark my words, she will steal her husband or something in the future). Shoot her now Frances! Now!

Holly tries to suck up to Frances to avoid getting shot in the future.

They make 'friends', but not really. Frances is just keeping Holly close. her diary reads -

"That bitch has no idea. She gave me a silver bracelet today, the idiot. I plan to sell it on Ebay after I've shot her in the future. Also, why do boys smell so much?"

The pair wander off to Frances' house do play dolls or some shit, while the Care Bears inexplicably do a conga behind a hedge. The end. I do hope Frances takes my advice though.