Don't Do That - A farting spider

Stoppit and Tidyup -one of my favourite shows. Particularly fun to watch as an adult, and a pissed adult at that. Sponsored by the 'Keep Britain Tidy' campaign of the 80s (It might still be around now only no one gives a shit), and narrated by Lord Sir Terry Wogan Ba Ma PhD OBE CBE WTF LMFAO.

A bunch of monsters live in a place somewhere (the land of do-as-you're-told) and each monster is the focus of one episode. The episode focuses on that character's particular quirk. For example Comb Your Hair can't see where he's going because of his fringe (and he's a cow, for some reason. I like cows.), Brush Your Teeth is extra good at everything because he has good dental hygiene, and Go And Play...well...he has the quirk of being like a 40

year old pedophile just sitting there waiting for his trap to lure someone in -

Now then. if you are my age and don't remember the 'And here's all their friends...' character parade, then remind me to send you a "Good luck with your operation" card. Oh wait, you can't remind me, can you.

Anyway, when the parade is finished (ie when the opening titles are finished), notice we're already A QUARTER of the way in. I'm not sure what emotion this brings out in me, other than mild confusion.

Today we meet 'Don't Do That!' -

I picked Don't Do That because, let's face it, if there ever was a name to spawn innuendo, it's Don't Do That! One can imagine him being told to stop doing things like poking his dick through the hole in the cubicle wall, or rubbing up against a mannequin in a shop window. I guess this would have made more sense with the character called 'Stoppit'. But, you know, it's the way Wogan cried "Don't do that!" - like he was reading the script, then all of a sudden one of the producers came over and started trying to cop a feel. Wogan almost sounds genuinely afraid. As we all know, there is nothing funnier than Terry Wogan when he's being harassed by a sex pest.

So, the episode. Don't Do That is a kind of farting spider thing that gets stuck under stuff. What it is he's not supposed to do is a bit beyond me for the time being. All he does is move about, taking whoever happens to be sitting on him for a ride, which really isn't his fault. The episode should be called "Don't listen to him, he's the one sat on you." Like Terry Wogan's producer.

See? All he's doing is being under a tin. I guess the lesson for today is - Don't be under a tin.

I do like Tidyup. I shouldn't - he should be too much like stupid Soo/Mary Whitehouse - all houseproud and he irons his knickers. But no. He's so nice, and he's always getting metaphorically crapped on by people without a word of complaint.

Anyway, back to the farting spider thing. Look here, if anyone's a bitch in this episode, it's Stoppit. He can be a right little bastard at times. He has issues.

"His plan was to..." To what? To just stand there and keep getting hit on the head with stuff?

Oh wait, that was his plan. Well played sir.

I feel truly terrible now - both for Tidyup, whose picnic table has been smashed, and for Don't Do That, who has now cowered back into his shell. He wasn't doing anything wrong, he was just farting a bit.

As you may have predicted though, there is a happy ending to this tale. Don't Do That goes back home, taking an unwilling Stoppit back with him (kidnapping - always a happy ending), and Tidyup gets to use the tree stump Stoppit just cut down as a picnic table! Hurrah!

Although, can you cut down a tree stump? i'm not sure what the correct phrasing of that is.

I-pod, cephlopod and sennapod

I should be sat in a lecture now - instead I'm watching an old episode of The Poddington Peas. Honestly, the sacrifices I make for my readers! Plus my feet hurt so I came home.

The Poddington Peas was a British cartoon, shown for one series in 1989. At first I thought it was a Maddocks production (Family Ness, Penny Crayon) but subsequent Wikipedia-ing proved me wrong. I just assumed that Maddocks had the monopoly over this niche in the market - the low budget, short lived yet fondly remembered cartoons of the 80s market, that is. Anyway, The peas were created by some dude named Paul Needs. Paul Needs...what?

I'll get to the chosen episode in a sec, but first let me bring to light something I have noticed about this show. It might as well have been written by Bernard Manning. It's definitely sexist and racist, and I'm pretty sure they don't even

have one gay pea in Poddington. Of the roughly three dozen peas living at the bottom of some right-wing git's garden, only five are female. Ok, not as bad as the Smurfs, you might argue, where there's only one female. Not as much sexual harassment to be dealt with by one chick, right? Well, let's have a look at the she-peas -

Sweet-Pea - a blonde model with big tits (only peas can see them, but they are still there. I think.)

Tea-Pea - a tea lady

Skip-Pea - a little girl with a skipping rope

Penala-Pea - a single mother

Chip-Pea - a greasy woman who works in a chip shop.

There is nothing like a cartoon that teaches equality and female empowerment. And speaking of equality - Why are all the bad peas darker than the good peas? Let me illustrate what I mean -

See? SEE? These two aren't really from Poddington. I mean, they weren't born here. Look, I'm not racist or anything, but...not on my doorstep...another victory for the loony left...that damn PC brigade...let one in, the next thing you know they'll have banned the flag and made us all talk African, or wherever it is they're from...yours sincerely, BN-Pea.

Where was I? Oh yes. I might not actually get round to writing about an episode now; this might turn into some kind of pre-menopausal left wing rant. However, I did used to like this show as a kid, before I understood the concept of people being different from me. As far as I was concerned, humanity was divided into two categories - those who knew that Cheetara was the best Thundercat, and those who didn't.

I am nothing if not a massive procrastinator...

So, as you will have gathered, the Christmas review didn't happen. This is for several reasons -

1. I am lazy.

2. I've had a million and one offline things to do lately, that have generally involved getting things spilled on me by kids, or writing thousands and thousands of words about why the world doesn't exist if you put a bracket or a speech mark in the wrong place. Google 'Quine, and why he is mental and/or a bellend', or something of the kind, for this to make sense.

3. I am lazy.

4. Been getting over the final throes of depression. I've just come off Prozac after about two years of having no emotions whatsoever, and things are pretty good, touch wood. I'm hitting the gym and writing more, which hopefully will start to filter down into this blog now.

5. I didn't think I had any readers, so I didn't see the urgency of writing something that only I was going to read, because I already knew what I was going to say, so it didn't count. But now I find I have tripled my readership! I'm still going to crap on about continuity errors in Rainbow though.

6. I am lazy.

I guess it's a bit late for the Christmas review. Shame, because I'm sure it would have been the best thing anyone ever wrote.

forgive me, and watch this space.