Like most
people, I enjoy making fun of people I consider beneath me. And here in the UK,
smug, overly confident people like me get most of our kicks by observing those
specimens found on The Jeremy Kyle Show.
Just lost your job? Renew your
confidence by watching Jeremy Kyle shout at someone who has failed to ever keep
a job for longer than a week, despite having six kids. Feeling guilty because
you started drinking a bit too early in the day? Never fear - Jez is on hand to
provide people who drink and shoot up
before BBC Breakfast starts. Worried
about that harmless crush you have on a work colleague? Simply watch Jez’s
couples-at-war arguing over just how many dozens of girls the boyfriend slept
with while the girlfriend was nine months pregnant/working a 12 hour shift down
the coal mine.
Do you feel
better about your life yet? No? Well you soon will, after you accompany me on a
sightseeing tour of the very best Britain has to offer. This post may be
unsuitable for work/life, defending on your stomach acid levels.
1. The 62 year old stripper
I am not
here to make fun of the elderly. God knows I feel like they do most of the time
– aching limbs and loss of looks. For this reason it annoys me that Jeremy Kyle
should be so personally affronted when an older woman comes on his show and
talks about how she’s now having the time of her life. Admittedly, she doesn’t
have the best haircut in the world. No matter, because she’s out there living
the dream – having it off with ten guys a week and partying it up ‘til the cows
come home. That daughter is just jealous because she has a face like a stapler.
In all
seriousness, I do believe this woman isn’t really doing anything wrong. If she
was having sex with guys purely for her rent money I’d feel differently. But
she just wants what any of us want – attention and affection. If she’s happy,
let her carry on; all the daughter appears to be worried about it how this will
look to the neighbours. Let me tell you – if my 64 year old Dad suddenly became
the village slag, casting women aside willy-nilly, I’d be delighted and happy
for him. It would certainly be better than him fawning over the Sky News
weathergirl.
2. The strangest man in Britain
This is
unusual because poshos don’t normally grace the screens of Jeremy Kyle. But this guy is hilarious. You’d think that with all
his public school and correct knife and fork breeding that he’d be able to form
a cohesive argument with which to slay the Kyle. Not so. All he can do is call
him “Mr smart alex”, which is wrong even by Jeremy Kyle standards*.
Lord Dickwad
continues to befoul himself by stating that he’d never reasonably have sex with
the woman in question (who is relatively decent looking and nice, even though
she harassed him for the “last past year”), and by smiling at wholly
inappropriate times, and by just generally being an arse.
He also
indirectly threatens the bouncers with a lawsuit if they attack him. This would
never happen on Jerry Springer – they’d just get off with the security. Our
country is so bad.
“Oh, oh yeah
I do care about them exactly I do”
I’m starting
to think he’s not posh, he just has a cold.
I will stick
up for Jez this one time – he takes any insults thrown at him with admirable
nonchalance, not bending once to this weird, semi-toff boy’s demands for
attention. In this episode, he almost, almost
comes out looking as good as Jerry Springer.
3. The petrol station? (starring Albert Steptoe and some guy who looks like some guy I used to know from Worksop)
This might
just be me, but I’m disturbed by Albert Steptoe sat there arguing with my ex-boyfriend’s
unwelcome houseguest lookalike from five years ago. Also, there is the matter
of the teeth in the later parts of the video. I swear, I am one of the
least vain women in the world, but even I draw the line at having a coal hole for
a mouth.
Albert
Steptoe also has the power to entice two men into her bed. This means she is a
more alluring woman than me, who has never been able to lure two men into her
bed at once. She does lose points though, on account of at least one of the men looking like a tramp's arse.
Albert
Steptoe apparently had sex with two guys at once behind a petrol station. I’ll
just let that image sink in for a minute. I don’t know, you might want to go to
bed with a box of tissues and think about that image in more detail.
We eventually
come to learn that Albert Steptoe and her shovel-faced boyfriend hate each
other, and are probably only together because their names were picked in some
kind of weird breeding lottery. But surprise surprise – they stay together,
because the thought of having to buy new pants and make an effort to impress a
potential new partner is evidently too much hassle.
4. Skeletor
Some people
have to take things too far. This guy could have just dyed his hair green or
something, if he wanted to make a statement. Instead he decides to get Skeletor’s
face tattooed onto his face. This, unsurprisingly, pisses off his girlfriend
and upsets Jeremy Kyle, who decides that this is a personal insult to him, for
some reason.
‘Mad Dog Dion’
can’t see what all the fuss is about. As far as he’s concerned, it’s a rocking
look that only looks a bit shit because it “isn’t finished yet”. As far as his
girlfriend and kids are concerned, he is Satan in the body of a chav. His kids are frightened of him, and his
girlfriend suddenly prefers to not do sexing while she’s facing him.
I’m not sure
what the girlfriend is hoping to achieve by bringing ‘Mad Dog Dion’ on the
show. Is she hoping to make him go back in time and not get a permanent tattoo
on his face? I think she’s secretly hoping to trade her drawn-on boyfriend for
Jeremy Kyle. Kyle, however, is only interested in looking at himself in a
mirror, and occasionally shouting at people for “smoking cannabis” (probably), even though
the story is about tattoos.
*The correct
term is "Smart Alec" and is thought to originally refer to a gangster/pimp in
the 1800s. Maybe the guy was just trying to use the plural, I don’t know.
Probably not.
No comments:
Post a Comment