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Wednesday 8 May 2013

4 bizarre Jeremy Kyle guests


Like most people, I enjoy making fun of people I consider beneath me. And here in the UK, smug, overly confident people like me get most of our kicks by observing those specimens found on The Jeremy Kyle Show.  Just lost your job? Renew your confidence by watching Jeremy Kyle shout at someone who has failed to ever keep a job for longer than a week, despite having six kids. Feeling guilty because you started drinking a bit too early in the day? Never fear - Jez is on hand to provide people who drink and shoot up before BBC Breakfast starts. Worried about that harmless crush you have on a work colleague? Simply watch Jez’s couples-at-war arguing over just how many dozens of girls the boyfriend slept with while the girlfriend was nine months pregnant/working a 12 hour shift down the coal mine.
Do you feel better about your life yet? No? Well you soon will, after you accompany me on a sightseeing tour of the very best Britain has to offer. This post may be unsuitable for work/life, defending on your stomach acid levels.

1. The 62 year old stripper


I am not here to make fun of the elderly. God knows I feel like they do most of the time – aching limbs and loss of looks. For this reason it annoys me that Jeremy Kyle should be so personally affronted when an older woman comes on his show and talks about how she’s now having the time of her life. Admittedly, she doesn’t have the best haircut in the world. No matter, because she’s out there living the dream – having it off with ten guys a week and partying it up ‘til the cows come home. That daughter is just jealous because she has a face like a stapler.
In all seriousness, I do believe this woman isn’t really doing anything wrong. If she was having sex with guys purely for her rent money I’d feel differently. But she just wants what any of us want – attention and affection. If she’s happy, let her carry on; all the daughter appears to be worried about it how this will look to the neighbours. Let me tell you – if my 64 year old Dad suddenly became the village slag, casting women aside willy-nilly, I’d be delighted and happy for him. It would certainly be better than him fawning over the Sky News weathergirl.

2. The strangest man in Britain




This is unusual because poshos don’t normally grace the screens of Jeremy Kyle. But this guy is hilarious. You’d think that with all his public school and correct knife and fork breeding that he’d be able to form a cohesive argument with which to slay the Kyle. Not so. All he can do is call him “Mr smart alex”, which is wrong even by Jeremy Kyle standards*.
Lord Dickwad continues to befoul himself by stating that he’d never reasonably have sex with the woman in question (who is relatively decent looking and nice, even though she harassed him for the “last past year”), and by smiling at wholly inappropriate times, and by just generally being an arse.
He also indirectly threatens the bouncers with a lawsuit if they attack him. This would never happen on Jerry Springer – they’d just get off with the security. Our country is so bad.
“Oh, oh yeah I do care about them exactly I do”
I’m starting to think he’s not posh, he just has a cold.
I will stick up for Jez this one time – he takes any insults thrown at him with admirable nonchalance, not bending once to this weird, semi-toff boy’s demands for attention. In this episode, he almost, almost comes out looking as good as Jerry Springer.

3. The petrol station? (starring Albert Steptoe and some guy who looks like some guy I used to know from Worksop)


This might just be me, but I’m disturbed by Albert Steptoe sat there arguing with my ex-boyfriend’s unwelcome houseguest lookalike from five years ago. Also, there is the matter of the teeth in the later parts of the video. I swear, I am one of the least vain women in the world, but even I draw the line at having a coal hole for a mouth.
Albert Steptoe also has the power to entice two men into her bed. This means she is a more alluring woman than me, who has never been able to lure two men into her bed at once. She does lose points though, on account of at least one of the men looking like a tramp's arse.
Albert Steptoe apparently had sex with two guys at once behind a petrol station. I’ll just let that image sink in for a minute. I don’t know, you might want to go to bed with a box of tissues and think about that image in more detail.
We eventually come to learn that Albert Steptoe and her shovel-faced boyfriend hate each other, and are probably only together because their names were picked in some kind of weird breeding lottery. But surprise surprise – they stay together, because the thought of having to buy new pants and make an effort to impress a potential new partner is evidently too much hassle.

4. Skeletor


Some people have to take things too far. This guy could have just dyed his hair green or something, if he wanted to make a statement. Instead he decides to get Skeletor’s face tattooed onto his face. This, unsurprisingly, pisses off his girlfriend and upsets Jeremy Kyle, who decides that this is a personal insult to him, for some reason.
‘Mad Dog Dion’ can’t see what all the fuss is about. As far as he’s concerned, it’s a rocking look that only looks a bit shit because it “isn’t finished yet”. As far as his girlfriend and kids are concerned, he is Satan in the body of a chav.  His kids are frightened of him, and his girlfriend suddenly prefers to not do sexing while she’s facing him.
I’m not sure what the girlfriend is hoping to achieve by bringing ‘Mad Dog Dion’ on the show. Is she hoping to make him go back in time and not get a permanent tattoo on his face? I think she’s secretly hoping to trade her drawn-on boyfriend for Jeremy Kyle. Kyle, however, is only interested in looking at himself in a mirror, and occasionally shouting at people for “smoking cannabis” (probably), even though the story is about tattoos.




*The correct term is "Smart Alec" and is thought to originally refer to a gangster/pimp in the 1800s. Maybe the guy was just trying to use the plural, I don’t know. Probably not.




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