Do you want
to laugh at me being a wuss? Of course you do. I’m a massive scaredy cat. For
example, this morning I came downstairs to find a hooded demon staring at me
from across the road –
It’s
pretending to be a picnic umbrella, but I am not fooled. Given this, imagine my
chicken tendencies transplanted into the body of a 5 year old with terrible
hair, and you have an idea of me in the 80s. I was scared of everything as a
kid. I was forever hiding behind settees, teddies and my Dad. Yet somehow the
things that scared me also kept drawing me to them, like I had some morbid
desire to be plunged into a world of evil and then to have nightmares. I was
obsessed with the things that disturbed me, and I guess I still am. Some of
them, I’ve come to realise, were standard nightmare fuel, but to be
honest some of them were just plain odd.
This list
will probably be in multiple parts, because if I listed everything I was scared
of in one post I might break the internet.
Are you
sitting comfortably? Good, then I’ll begin scaring the shit out of you. And by
you, I mean me.
1. Max Headroom
My number one
biggest irrational fear as a child. Despite what I said in this post,
I’ve warmed towards Max Headroom (or ‘Snap Snap’) as I used to call him for
some reason) recently. I particularly like his mini backstory movie, 20 minutes into the future.
25 years
ago, it was an entirely different story. I would cower pathetically behind the
settee whenever his glitchy, stuttering face appeared on TV. As it was the 80s,
this was all the fucking time. To make matters worse, comedy impersonator and
all round 80s staple Bobby Davro did a Max Headroom spoof. This was tragic
because I actually loved the rest of Bobby Davro’s show. Another thing Max
Headroom robbed from me, with his stupid isocahedron face.
2. The TV being interrupted
This still
gets me now. A few months ago I was working a night shift, and BBC News 24 got
interrupted in the early hours. It was bizarre - for minutes there was just a
long shot of the newsreader, not saying anything at all, then it would cut to a
live shot of a deserted road in London for ages, then back again, and so on for
about ten minutes. Then they just resumed the news like nothing had happened,
the giant bastards. By the end of the ten minutes I was convinced that
terrorists had taken over BBC headquarters, and were planning to film
themselves bombing London. I guess that wasn’t the case, but they never did
explain why it happened.
Any time a
programme gets interrupted you immediately think something terrible has
happened. This is especially true at night, because everything is automatically
worse at night. Even when it’s just a ‘technical fault’, I still tend to assume
the technical fault is caused by a nuclear explosion, or an alien invasion or
something.
If I had my
way I’d find some other way to deliver breaking news without interrupting the
programme. My nerves just can’t take it. Maybe I’d have a little cartoon cow
dancing across the screen, holding a balloon that says “Hey guys, why not have
a peek at the news? There’s something rather exciting going on!” Mind you, then
I’d just learn to dread the arrival of the cartoon cow. Maybe Spongebob would
work better, I don’t know.
3. Policemen
I wasn’t
some kind of toddler anarchist wanting to throw my used nappy at the state; I
had my own reasons for being terrified of nipple headed law enforcers. When I
was three, my dad got me arrested. Well, it was sort of an arrest. I was being
a bit noisy in the back of the car one day, so my dad called over a passing
policeman and got him to ‘have a word’ with me. The policeman leaned into my
window and told me, in a very stern voice, that if I didn’t behave he’d put me
in prison. I was so petrified I was actually trying to crawl under the driver’s
seat to hide. These kinds of things can affect the way a girl thinks. Even my
dad now agrees it was a bit extreme as toddler taming goes. But you know, this
was the 80s in North Wales – policemen back then were about as scary as pasta.
4. The ghost train at Bridlington
I never
actually rode this, which probably made it all the more scary. It stood just
back from the prom, so impressionable children at the kiddies’ fair across the
road could view the exterior and imagine what went on inside. While I was
waiting to ride the carousel or the Mini Apple roller coaster, I’d gaze over at
it, waiting for the one visible part of the ride to make itself known. It was
part ghost train and part roller coaster; the roller coaster part involved
riding the track along the exterior of the building and down a dip before going
back in for some more mortal peril. The dip itself was actually pretty tiny,
but to my inexperienced eyes it looked like Kingda Ka.
As I looked,
all I’d ever see was a train full of frightened people emerging into daylight
for a few seconds before going back in to meet their doom. I was a bit obsessed
with what happened inside the building; several times I had dreams about it at
night, and in my dreams it was everything from an empty warehouse with a roller
coaster in it (which was more frightening somehow) to the fiery pits of hell.
Sadly I never did get to ride it for myself since it’s now been removed, but I
did manage to find this on ride video –
5. Sonic The Hedgehog
Let me say
now that I did love these games and I still do. But back then it was a love
tinged with stomach churning, sweaty palmed fear. I’m not exactly sure what
disturbed me so much when I played Sonic, but every time I jumped into that
weird, floating dystopian world it unsettled me. Maybe it was the feeling that
if Sonic died, he really died, which
gave me a crippling sense of responsibility. This hasn’t been helped in recent
years by the creepypasta about Sonic springing up all over the place.
Maybe it was the music – even the supposedly happy music of Green Hill Zone
gave me a slight feeling of unease. It still does, and I can never quite put my
finger on why.
But out of
all of this, by far the most gut-mangling aspect of the game was the infamous drowning music, particularly during Labyrinth Zone in Sonic 1, and
Chemical Plant Zone in Sonic 2. Sega knew the effect this music had on children
right from the start, which is why they’ve included variants of it in most of
the Sonic games.
Obviously I
was never very good at Sonic as a kid. Which is why I always ended up drowning,
and always ended up hearing that
bloody music. Maybe it was never anything more than the feeling that once that
music started playing, I’d have to start the whole level over. Again.
Well, that’s
it for now. I’ll write a part two on this subject soon, when I’ve stopped
shaking and having to lie in a dark room drinking neat brandy.
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