Rainbow - it ain't half hot Geoffrey

It's Summer! I may have been a bit late with that observation. But as such it's time for the Rainbow gang to celebrate the hottest day known to man. Before I start, I should like to declare that my pen has run off, so I am writing the draft of this using my 'Longford Intermediate School' pencil (where is Longford?). Fuck you pen, see if I care.

This is a good episode if you fancy Geoffrey (which I do not) because you can see his legs, all the way up to the top of his legs -

For everyone normal - consider it a warning *

This episode is called "Hot Day", and is about a day that's hot. Some stuff happens, but mostly everyone is hot.

We start off in the garden - the gang are so hot they decide to set up a nudist colony -

Just kidding - I'll explain that clip in a later post

Hot Day part 1 -

                                      

Zippy is lying there looking like a pimp, and George is wearing 3D glasses for some reason.

“Come and make some sand pies with me Zippy”

“What? Oh fuck off George you massive git.”

Enter Geoffrey in hotpants, carrying a huge diphagram -

Zippy has lost his sun hat, and will surely DIE.

Bungle comes out, looking like a hairy gay Aladdin. Ha, Zippy shares my sentiments.

Absolute comedy gold coming up here. Bungle has a hose. Can you guess what's about to happen? That's right – Bungle acts like a twat. Zippy's laugh is phenomenal.

Then we have a disturbing Lines and Shapes involving a boy doing a striptease. Not cool.

The gang all complain about the heat, claiming it's difficult to breathe. If you're that hot, Bungle, you might want to consider taking that ridiculous bear suit off.

Once again the hose is brought into play, but this time it's Zippy's idea so it's not a twattish thing to do. Guess who gets wet again? This really is a dream episode for Geoffrey fangirls (which I am most definitely not).**

Geoffrey the wet T shirt model then shows us how to make the worst sun hat in the entire world. I think he actually has to glue it onto Zippy's head to get it to stay on.

Zippy, quite reasonably, asks for a drink on account of how he's choking due to the heat. Geoffrey denies this harmless request, insisting that he must first fulfil his role of washerwoman. The heat causes Geoffrey to lose his rag – you've never seen anger like it. Not really – his voice just raises the tiniest amount, and then he immediately begs for forgiveness. What a guy!

Bungle toddles off to get the drinks, which he could have just fucking done in the first fucking place.

Part two!

Some people on the beach, and doing summery things in general (not rioting though).

Back to the plot - more Geoffrey porn, and Bungle has decided to remedy the 'being too hot' situation by putting more clothes on.

"Gone for a dip in the pool." Seriously? Bungle went for a dip in the pool? Have you seen the size of A) Bungle and B) the pool? What did he do, dip his toe in?

George and Geoffrey then talk about being all hot and sticky. This episode is pure filth. Geoffrey fangirls (one of which I am not) will surely have had to change their undergarments by now.***

Thank goodness we now have a musical interlude - I don't think I could have taken much more of the one man sexorama. Rod Jane and Freddy perform a toe tapping jaunty number about how it was sunny and now it's raining. I'm not sure why Jane is a ghost -

Back to the garden, and the gang are just about to have a 'picnic on the lawn', when a strange woman jumps out from behind the washing. The gang apparently know her, so are unfazed by this. I think she has a nightie on.

Bungle, in a massive ass-fucking of logic, runs inside to put his dressing gown on, because he's worried about a lady seeing him in only his pants. I don't have to explain why this is insane to anyone who has ever seen Rainbow. To those of you who haven't seen Rainbow - why is it insane? Fuck you, that's why.

Guess what today's story is about. Go on, guess.

After the strange woman has finished crapping on about hot weather and elephants, it starts to rain and the gang panics. except it's not raining, it's just Bungle dicking about with the hose again. In his dressing gown. And his Aladdin hat. Bungle might be having a nervous breakdown. I certainly am.

Then it really does start to rain, so the gang grab the washing and run inside. And here we find a convenient place to say bye bye.

*I feel really mean for implying that Geoffrey is ugly. I didn't mean that, I just meant that I personally do not fancy him.

**I'm sure there are ladies that do fancy Geoffrey.

***I really do feel very mean.

Bod - the rogue apple planet

Someone has asked me to take a look at short lived 70s cartoon Bod, and I must say I was pleasantly surprised when I watched an episode. As my regular readers know, my default setting is to mock shows mercilessly, but I won't be doing too much of that with Bod. The show is understated, quiet, and goes at a relaxed enough pace to be reminiscent of Oliver Postgate and Peter Firmin's Smallfilms productions, which I adore.

The show centers around Bod*, who appears to be a small Chinese child. Bod shares a town (I say town, it's more of a green void) with Aunt Flo, PC Copper, Frank the postman and Farmer Barleymow. From what I've seen of this show, PC Copper is the only one who ever talks any sense, which is surprising.

In this episode, Bod has an apple. I am already on the edge of my seat. Instead of eating the apple, which is roughly the size of his head, Bod decides to throw his apple up in the air, just because. At this point, I thought the apple was going to come back down on Bod's head, giving him a concussion. This does not materialise. In fact the apple does not come down at all.

Aunt Flo/Nurse Gladys Emmanuel appears. This woman has four hairs and a Tunnock's chocolate teacake on her head. I like her. After a brief chat with Bod, the apple still hasn't come down. I think Bod might have thrown it into space. After all, the apple was big enough to have attracted several planets into its orbit. Yes, the apple is definitely in space. That is definitely where it is.

Aunt Flo, having nothing to do on account of her being a woman, decides to stand with Bod and wait for the apple planet to re-enter Earth's atmosphere. I wonder if this is where the Planet X/Nibiru conspiracy comes from? Are all the doom peddlars just stood about waiting for Bod's apple to fall back down?

Here comes Frank the postman, with the single greatest piece of entrance music ever. Think of the entrance music for Ron Jeremy, crossed with the Fonz, crossed with a hippy. For reasons I still can't fathom, Frank the postman also decides to wait for the prodigal apple to return.

Then a cock goes off. This, we find out, is to herald the entrance of Farmer Barleymow. And oh my god, he has even sexier theme music. Think of the music 1960s strippers used to use and you're halfway there.

Farmer Barleymow looks like a really badly creased Russian. And I'm sure I don't have to tell you what happens next, but I will just in case you're stupid. Farmer Barleymow decides to wait for the apple, declaring that “What goes up must come down.” He's obviously never bought petrol recently.

They all stand in a row like twats, waiting for this apple to come back down.

PC Copper arrives, with a moustache that makes him look exactly like Zoidberg -

When the others tell him what they're doing, he cruelly debunks their theory, stating that a passing bird must have nicked the apple. He then calls them all “daft”. If you aren't familiar with the word “daft”, he's basically calling them all fucking idiots. Even the small boy.

They all become acutely aware that they are, in fact, fucking idiots, and become suitably embarrassed.

“Honestly Bod, sometimes I think you need your bumps felt.” Sorry, what? What?

Bod feels like a fucking idiot because the time he's spent waiting could have been spent “getting another apple to throw into the air.” Why? What on Earth for? So the apple planet will have a friend and not be lonely?

But wait! The rogue apple planet returns! And yes, it does hit Bod on the head. No one questions where the apple's been, or why it's been up so long. They just kind of accept it as one of those things, although everyone's hat appears to have a different opinion – they're all so embarrassed by their respective owners that they try to leave -

Then they all get apples and, just, chuck them about a bit. The entire mystery of the apple planet is forgotten entirely.

I like Bod. I shall definitely be seeking out more episodes to watch, possibly on a quiet Sunday afternoon with a glass of milk. It seems appropriate.

*Bod does not appear to be an acronym for biochemical oxygen demand. I think it's just his name.

Quotes from Skeletor

“I have to be brilliant just to make up for them!”

“Spider-brain!”

“They should call you...Wimp-lash!”

“You musclebound buffoon!”

“I'll turn you into a suitcase!”

“I am not nice, I am not kind, and I am not wonderful!”

“Books are the real treasures of the world!”

“Unlike you, he has a brain!”

(in response to “but I don't need a parachute...”) “That's what you think!”

“It's the Sorceress you boob!”

“Dolts, halfwits...BUNGLERS!”

“You couldn't even beat a motley group of gnomes!”

“Who does that cabbage think he is?”

Pages from the 1991 rainbow annual

Posted to my other blog of miscellaneous things, for all the Rainbow fans :)

http://iwishihadaboat.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/pages-from-1991-rainbow-annual.html

Bag O Fun comic - Bag O Crap

Last night my friend "made" me buy this -

Let's just say we had some fun with the free gifts and the drawing competition (which I am sure to win). Full review is here - 

Carnival of crap... 

Vicky the transgender Viking and the pipe cleaners

My friend asked me to review this show. My friend must hate me, and I have spent the time since beginning this review wondering what the hell I could have done to annoy him so much.

By the way, as with most of my reviews, this will only make sense if you watch along with me. Now that disclaimer is out of the way, I am cleared of any future wrongdoing whatsoever.

Oh, and ALSO, the Wikipedia entry for VTV has Vicky down as being a boy. This is bullshit for two reasons. Firstly, her name is Vicky. Granted, that might be a translation thing, so I'll move onto the second problem. Vicky wears a dress. Actually, upon closer inspection, is it actually a dress? It might just be a really girly looking tunic. But parents take note – if you want your child to grow up of the male persuasion, do not name him Vicky and make him wear a dress. Especially if he's a fucking Viking.

So – video first -

Also here is the Youtube link, so no one else will moan about how they can't possibly scroll down and watch, and I might possibly be spared life for murder - Youtube Vicky

Oh Jesus Christ, this theme tune is an hour long. The only theme tune longer than this is Willy Fog Willy Fog theme tune hell

and that ended up being rather jaunty so all was forgiven. This, however, is a load of old men down the pub moaning about how their ex wives have stung them for every penny.

Not even 40 seconds in and I'm going for a well deserved cigarette.

Ok this must be episode 1, since a bit of Viking history is given. Here we are told that our heroes are setting forth to “raid and plunder”. No raping and pillaging then. That must be in episode 2.

I must say though, the animation reminds me of Smallfilms (Oliver Postgate and Peter Firmin – Clangers, Bagpuss etc), so this is a redeeming feature. Actually, upon further investigation (clicking on one page), I realise it reminds me of Noggin The Nog. 

Their flag – is it a viking hat, or is it Patrick Star doing a muscleman pose?

So – plot (I use the term loosely). Bla bla bla, they are returning to their village, bla bla bla, and a man who looks like a rat comes in his pants, bla bla bla.

At around 2:50, lift/elevator music starts to play.

The Viking's milkshake has brought all the wenches to the yard. Yay verily.

Oh good, someone sent me a request in Bubble Safari. Any excuse to stop watching this.

Suddenly, an old man juggles some children.

Oh my god, so Vicky really is a boy? “Where's my son Vicky?” pretty much confirms that.

Bla bla bla, the Vikings are still doing all their homecoming crap, bla bla bla.

“I know where Vicky is, he's me, in this dress, as usual.”

But wait! Vicky's off being chased by a wolf? This shit could get good! But no. In the next second we see “him” being chased by the skinniest animal in the world – a wolf made out of pipe cleaners, and not even real pipe cleaners. This wolf is about as scary as my dad when he's making a nice cup of tea.

From the noises Vicky is making, I suspect “he” rather likes being chased by this wolf.

So far, a grand total of FUCK ALL has happened.

Hahahahahah I do love the main Viking dude's wife though. Upon returning from months or years of pillaging upon the high seas, she just says - “Oh, it's you”

When I am prime minister I shall give that woman a title. For cash, obviously.

Wait, why is the Viking husband suddenly Scottish at 5:20?

Ok for the first time in this episode I laughed. I laughed til I snorted. Firstly, the awesome wife just shrugs off her not coming to meet her husband by saying “Oh I had loads to do”. Secondly, the Scottish husband expresses his displeasure by blowing a horn at her. Not smacking her upside the head as I expected (and hoped).

Also, why is the wife talking like Joanna Lumley?

This face. Remember this face. For she will surely become ruler of the great earth before our time is come and gone, such is her wisdom and general reluctance to listen to her husband's insane fuckage. I don't know her name, but I'm going to call her Joanna.

No, the wolves were scared of you because they were underfed mutts, and you had a big stick. Get over yourself Hamish.

I missed how Vicky killed that pipe cleaner wolf, because I was texting my friend. I'm not sorry.

Are you seriously telling me that's a boy? I have twin nephews his age – they have farting competitions and play Grand Theft Auto. They do not fluff their hair and run away screaming from pipe cleaners.

We now have a Road Runner/Carry on type of scene, wherein the wolf gets bashed but appears to get off on it.

Incidentally, pause the video at any point between 8:09 and 8:12, and you get animal porn. Jus' sayin.

I'm sorry, I gave up at 8:54 – this is just not my cup of tea at all. Maybe one day, when I'm feeling braver, I'll go back and finish the quest. Until then, it's on Youtube if you particularly hate yourself.

I don't know what part 2 is and I don't fucking care.

New blog and Ladybird book fuckery

I'm going to keep updating this blog whenever I have a brain-fart big enough to warrant a whole show review, but for now I have a second blog, which is pretty much just me talking about all the old crap I have in my flat. Once I figure out how to cross-post I'll be doing that too.

To kick off, a review of one of my favourite childhood books - http://iwishihadaboat.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/telling-time-by-ladybird.html

Hello I am not dead

Hi, what the hell is going on here? I came here to write a new review and holy hell the internet has exploded. Since I just had to put out a bin fire, I shall not make a big deal of this internet fire. All that has happened is that blogger has changed their homepage. Slightly. Well isn't that the end of the world. Meh. Once you've faced evil like I have (both in the shape of a bin fire and of a horrible troll), you fear nothing. Not even bad blog comments from weirdos. Now that my degree is finished, and my job is almost finished (for now), stay tuned.  Even though I also say this, and something always gets in my way. It probably will this time but I shall try my best. Hark, I hear some pissed first years singing Take-That while setting fire to yet another bin. I must go. That is all.

Meg and Mog - even people from Wigan can be evil

Today I'm going to review an episode of Meg and Mog, who started life in a series of 1970s children's book written by Helen Nicholl, and illustrated by Jan Pienkowski (the person responsible for Meg having half a head). The pair were brought to life in a show that first aired in 2003, and I believe you can still catch reruns of it on various sky channels.

I have two overwhelming memories of the Meg and Mog series. Firstly, being herded up to the library once a week with my class, and being forced to choose a book and read it. Everyone obviously fought over the books with the biggest pictures and the least words, and since I was quite bulky as a kid I must have won those fights quite often. Hence I ended up reading a hell of a lot of Meg and Mog books. Secondly, in one story Meg throws a dinner party, and Mog is served "Welsh Rabbit". It was only in recent years that I discovered that this wasn't an actual dish, but a parody of Welsh Rarebit. I'm still not entirely sure what Welsh Rarebit is, but I think it has something to do with being square shaped.

As far as I can tell, the animated show remained pretty true to the original books, with the same stories and illustration style. By 'illustration style', I mean possibly drawn by someone who gave up halfway through and went for a cup of tea. For example -

Where the hell is the rest of her head?

Anyway. Today I am going to look at episode one - "Meg, Mog and Owl", which I assume was based on the first book in the series. As you might have gathered already, the stories center around a hapless witch and her familiars, getting into all kinds of hilarious and non-evil scrapes. I don't think there is one where Meg gets burnt at the stake by the witchfinder general, but don't quote me on that.

Here we go!

We start off with some pretty awesome, scary-without-being-too-scary-for-the-kiddywinks theme music, and then cut to Meg in bed. DOWNRIGHT PORN! In all seriousness, Meg looks like she's having a terrible dream. One can only speculate on what she's dreaming about, but my money's on that she's reliving the accident in which she lost half her fucking head.

Owl wakes her up by being as camp as humanly possible. If this owl ever got into a fight with Hedwig, Hedwig would tear him to pieces.

Notice that in silhouette, Meg has a full head.

Immediately Meg is cast as non-threatening by being northern. I like this logic - anything supernatural, make it from Leeds, Wigan or similar. That way they'll only be interested in spells about whippets and flat caps.

Mog is asleep downstairs, looking like he's covered in bloody spiders or something. Speaking of which, there's a spider in my bathroom. But it's one of those stupid fat spiders so I'm not too bothered, and anyway I can't reach it.

Meg 'accidentally' steps on Mog's tail, at which Mog wakes up and calls her a fucking whore (I'm paraphrasing).

This breakfast she makes is truly disgusting. Three eggs, bread, cocoa, 'some jam' (an as yet unspecified amount of jam), milk, and a kipper. By the time we get to the kipper, Mog is jizzing so much, the excitement can only be conveyed with a fanfare. Look at the kipper's cold, lifeless eyes staring out at you while a fanfare plays.

Meg puts all these ingredients into her cauldron. Fine, you might think, she's just going to magic up an entire meal, right? Wrong. All she does is make some kind of horrible porridge sludge containing kippers AND cocoa AND jam. Ugh. I'd rather have had the Welsh Rabbit. Owl comes and sits on Mog's head, which made me laugh.

A dead bird springs out of the cuckoo clock, and it's time for them to head off. Owl is going to stay behind and try on Meg's underwear.

Long intestine - it's the only way to travel these days -

Meg meets up with all her identical and equally non-threatening friends - Bess, Jess, Tess and Cress. Cress, the Scottish witch, just makes me think of THIS whenever I hear her voice -

Back to the plot. The witches land on top of the smallest hill in the world, and proceed to light a fire underneath the cauldron. And when I say 'they', I mean 'Meg does everything on her bloody own'.

Then they throw various Pogs into the cauldron and recite some Dr Seuss. The end result is...wait...what? the end result is that all the other witches are dead? Really? really really? Oh wait no, they're all just mice. That's fine then.

Hang the fuck on. Meg is really pleased about this, as if she did it on purpose. This is confirmed when she declares she isn't even going to change them back. WTF? I know they just stood there while she lit the fire, but really...what? How did they incur her wrath to this degree? She can't really be evil, she's from Wigan! My entire belief system has been shattered.

Then it ends. No surprise twist, just Meg turning her friends into mice. so I guess the moral of this story is that even witches from Wigan can't be trusted.

I am traumatised. I need to go for a cigarette now.

Night Out. In a cardboard box. With a man in a bear suit.

I haven't written about an episode of Rainbow in what feels like forever, which is quite a long time. So today I decided that, difficult and onerous as it was, I would spend my hard earned time watching Rainbow and then dicking about on the internet. Mine is a hard life indeed.

Today's episode is entitled "Night Out", in which the gang spend the evening in the Coach and Horses, followed by a kebab and a carrier bag full of sick.

Do they? Do they really? Well let's find out in part one -

The episode opens with the best, and most loaded, opening lines in history -

"Ooh go on Geoffrey, it will be fun!"

"Yes go on Geoffrey, you'll enjoy it!"

Immediately the reader is intrigued. Just what is Geoffrey being bullied into? Anal sex? Trying heroin for the first time? Going down the casino and putting everything on red?

Erm, no. "Let us sleep in the garden tonight like three hairy tramps please Geoffrey."

Geoffrey is hesitant to let them camp out, because he has to stay in and wait for "the man". Don't we all?

Zippy, meanwhile, is so excited he smacks the washing up liquid off the table. No one notices this, least of all the director. Zippy then sings "Home on the range". I love Zippy.

Hang on. Hang the fuck on. Geoffrey can't camp out tonight because he's waiting in for a delivery? Just what time is he expecting this delivery? Midnight?

Zippy, rather sensibly, points out that "you can't go camping in a house." No, because camping overnight in a house is called 'going to bed'.

Oh look, the washing up liquid's back. They use 'Mansion' washing up liquid. Jus' putting that out there.

We cut to later, and the gang are erecting their tent. It's actually quite a good tent considering (considering they're morons) -

Of course, Bungle manages to break the tent. How the FUCK does Bungle manage to break this tent? He must have pulled the washing line completely down. I don't know whose fault that is, but it's definitely not mine. Oh I see. Bungle did it on purpose just so he could be proved right. Fuck you Bungle, FUCK YOU!

Ha ha, Geoffrey ends up blaming Bungle anyway. Also, it looks like "the man" has been, judging by the boxes.

I'm just curious. Which one of these is the washing machine, and which one is the dryer?

Because one of these boxes obviously contained a fridge.

Bungle declares he wants to live in the boxes. So, you couldn't fit in the tent that was twice the size of these boxes, but now you want to squeeze into one of these boxes and spend the night there, accompanied by two friends? do you know something about spacetime that we don't?

Bungle wees himself with excitement over the boxes. "This could be the door!" (pointing at a box flap). "Or this!" (pointing at an entire box). What? Oh Bungle, your insanity never fails to amuse me.

George, however, surpasses even Bungle's level of insanity. His idea of building a temporary, weather-proof abode is to "put the little box on top of the big box." How will that help? Just...what? Mercifully, we are interrupted by an animation of a cat that turns into a dragon, which is less disturbing than the plot.

Part two!

Ok, how the hell did Bungle manage to make that

massive box using those two boxes of very different sizes?

"What else do we need?" "Ooh, some blankets...like these!" Well bungle, I would suggest using blankets like those, yes, but not ones that have been sat on the wheelie bin for months.

Apples are not food. They are plants. Zippy has the right idea.

Zippy is also right when he says "We don't need a torch!" This is because (Spolier alert!) They will be back while it's still bloody light.

"We have to be self-deficient." Ironically, he is so right.

Geoffrey says goodnight, and notice that it's about three in the afternoon.

Zippy has the idea of singing a song "around the campfire." This is a beautiful sentiment, and encapsulated everything that is glorious and spiritually enriching about spending time with nature, underneath the stars. unfortunately, Bungle fucking ruins it, so the gang end up singing around the...space.

"HOME, HOME ON THE RANGE...."

Notice that when the three are singing it is Roy Skelton doing the voices for both Zippy and George, at the same time. The man was a vocal genius.

I notice the box tent has become even bigger.

The three argue about space and habits. It's like they're used to having their own space, and have never ever shared a bed before. Also, Bungle feels a sharp pain beneath the covers and swiftly berates Zippy for sticking his hand in places where it doesn't belong. Or for eating biscuits. Whichever's more interesting. It's like a 'choose your own adventure' book. I know which one I'd choose.

Oh my god, an owl is about to kill them to death! And they don't even have a torch, so they can't even see their own death clearly!

Something's coming! Is it a tiger? No! It's........Geoffrey! I'd almost rather have had the tiger. Geoffrey is as orange as one in this episode though.

"Here's the story book...under the sheets...hang on, just let the producer pass it up to us..."

Bungle reads a story about the whispering trees, which also appears in an episode entitled (amazingly) - "Whispers". Since "Whispers" was one of my favourite episodes as a kid, I'm sure I'll be writing about this story in the future. Suffice to say, it;s about some trees that whisper.

Note - it is definitely morning now. It's light (it's not the torch, the sunlight is streaming in through the 'window'), and the birds are singing. Keep that in mind.

The gang go inside to get Geoffrey his breakfast, only to find that Geoffrey didn't go to bed last night - he went out with "the man" and is now fixing himself some Alka Seltzer -

I love that they intended to make breakfast for Geoffrey, but instead end up saying "I'm starving, I'll have some cornflakes please".

Were you fooled? I know I was. IT'S NOT MORNING AT ALL! HAHAHAHA etc. It's half 7 at night, time for Geoffrey to go to bed (before he begins his new life at the convent the next day). the gang are really disappointed, not to mention about to pass out from hunger after having spent three weeks in the wilderness with no food or water.

They haven't been out half an hour. This whole fucking episode hasn't taken half an hour.

Why is Geoffrey being a bastard to them on purpose? He does this sometimes, I notice.

Luckily he was joking all along, and he soon reveals this. Look at his pleased face -

FIN.

PS I have no idea why these posts keep changing size/font/alignment halfway though. I'm no good with things like this. Rest assured, if I tried to fix it it would end up ten times worse.