At The Cinema - a spoof Rainbow comic strip

The following story is from this book -

Some creative liberties may have been taken with the story (in other words, I've changed the entire fucking thing)

Feel the burn Barbie!

Childhood stuff # 9 - Mad Dog McCree

Once again this is going to be about something I used to do in Ingoldmells. In the fabled BJ's amusements once stood a game so awesome you frequently died just from playing it. Cause of death – being shot by a ropey old actor in a cowboy outfit -

Mad Dog McCree was a live action shooting game, released by American Laser Games in 1990. Essentially, it was a movie you interacted with. This interaction came in the form of killing loads of people (or getting killed if you were me).

Here is a clip of one of the aforementioned ropey old actors -

Your character, I can assume, is something like Sid James' 'Rumpo Kid' in Carry on Cowboy. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to shoot the fuck out of any and all bad guys you encounter, while attempting to miss women and children. Because there are no female baddies ever.

What was great about Mad Dog McCree was that it was live action – real film as opposed to shooting at pixels. The baddies you shot had real bodies and real personalities, and probably wives and kids at home. Thus, the power of the universe was in your hands, and it was you who got to decide whether these poor saps lived or died. This, of course, only applies if you are actually good at this game. If you're me you'll just get shot straight away. 

Mister T - everyone's a winner (and those strippers are rubbish)

I love Mr T. You love Mr T. Come one, everyone loves Mr T. In fact, I pity the fool who doesn't love Mr T.

Sorry, I couldn't resist. I really am very sorry.

This is how I like to think 80s cartoon series Mister T got the green light -

Producer 1 - “You know what we need? A show about gymnasts that solve mysteries.”

Producer 2 - “Hmm, that idea could have legs. But how do we tie the gymnastics and the mystery solving together in a realistic way?”

Producer 1 - “Let's have them fight crime too!”

Producer 2 – “Um...”

Producer 1 - “Obviously we'll need someone well known in the gymnastics world to star in it. I know – Mr T!”

Producer 2 - “Are you ok Bob?”

Producer 1 - “Yeah that's it! Mr T has a new career as a gymnastics coach, and he makes the children on his team fight crime when they're not practising!”

Producer 2 - “Maybe you should switch to decaf, Bob.”

The show ran from 1983 – 1986, airing around the same time as The A-Team. I'm not sure which show came first, so I don't know who was cashing in on who, but it's making my head hurt.

This episode centres around two important lessons – always give the new kid a chance, and pity the fool who steals your medallions.

Woody is the newest member of the gym team, and the rest of the gang don't exactly warm to him. This is because he's so good at gymnastics he makes the others look like they have no limbs. This hostility is inflamed further when Woody wins the gold medal for whatever competition they're in. The main pair on the 'let's hate Woody' committee are Jeff (I think) and Robin, and I didn't warm to either of them, so we're equal.

Woody, being awesome, ignores the haters and struts up to collect his medal – but the medals have been STOLEN!!!!

“FUCKING HELL!” they all cry. Just then, some guy accompanied by what looks like Fester Addams run out of the auditorium, shoving people's faces along the way. I'm not sure this is necessary, but it's cool nonetheless.

The perennial little kid and hanger on, Spike (who I like), decides he's suddenly grown four feet and 220lb, and runs after the villains. The villains, meanwhile, are smashing up the medallions with a hammer, for some fucking reason I have yet to fathom. I'm sure it's vital to the plot.

In the most badly edited sequence known to man, the villains then decide to kidnap Spike because he's ginger. Spike dislodges a note from a villain's pocket in the struggle. It will probably turn out to be either a shopping list, or a love note addressed to Mr. T, and this was all an elaborate ruse to get his attention.

Enter Mr. T in hot pursuit, followed by...well...let me describe this using the medium of Being Human -

The villains manage to set their pet lorry on T and the gang.

Oh yeah, she's Asian so she must be good at maths.

The lorry is hurtling towards certain carnage, but T does his thing and calmly mounts the lorry, then climbs into the cabin and stops it. See? SEE? Why the hell were you panicking? You bunch of girls.

Hang the fuck on. He doesn't just use the brake pedal - that would be far too sensible. And oh look, wouldn't you know it, there just happens to be an end-of-the-world style broken bridge/pier thing on his route, guaranteed to strike terror into the hearts of gullible six year olds. Will T be killed in a fiery, petrol fuelled explosion? My guess is no, because it's the fucking first episode you morons.

Oh I see. He jumps out at the last second, leaving the lorry to crash into the sea. Nice to see A-Team logic making a cameo there. Then the dog turns up, growling at the now dead lorry, like the lorry's done anything wrong.

Meanwhile the kids are searching an alley for clues, accompanies by 70s porn music.

In an even bigger editing cock up, Woody (the new kid) is about to come up with an ingenious suggestion, but it cuts to the bad guys on all fours. Seriously, the bitchy one could have just interrupted Woody or something but no – they had to edit the new kid right out, to the point where he doesn't even finish his last word. My heart is sad.

The video I'm watching might have missed a bit out actually (not that I'm complaining uploader dude – I'm sure it doesn't exactly affect the plot), because we go straight to the villain's lair – where they're still smashing stuff up with hammers. I know what they're doing – they're taking the pieces to Cash4Gold, who claim to offer the most competitive rates in the region.

Cue an awesome fight between Robin and the villains, who can't beat Robin because she can do a handstand. In the end Robin wraps her legs round a villain's face. Excuse me?

Being sensible, the villain just chucks Robin off the side of the roof (and I cheer a bit). Sadly, Jeff and that maths girl save her.

“I hope Mr. T has better luck!” Speaking of which, where the fuck is Mr. T? He's the one I tuned in to watch, not these useless fucks.

Mr. T is with Woody, showing that he has excellent taste when it comes to picking his companions (also, he left Robin to die). After having his ass handed to him by colonial-old-lady-esque Pricilla, Mr. T gets the van to drive off, leaving poor Woody in some restaurant.

The waiter won't let him in because he's A) black B) a teenager and C) has a dog. This is a problem until Mr. T shows up (who was only parking, it turns out). Mr. T is A) black B) has a dog and C) is built like a brick shithouse. The waiter gives them a table immediately, grovelling all the while. Do you see? This show is massively weird, and also that waiter has just overtaken Robin in my 'most hated' list.

Meanwhile, Herb Samuels has won something in the 'something widget company' awards.

Yep I've definitely missed something – Herb is wearing a medallion, and Mr. T congratulates Woody for no apparent reason - “You were right about the address!”

Pardon?

Some strippers arrive in a cake, which I for one think is inappropriate for the (I found out) Sherman Widget Company awards ceremony. There are wives there and stuff!

These are worst strippers in the world, and no way are they sisters -

Turns out the 'Marshall Sisters' are really the two hammer happy villains. Who knew?

Woody, convinced he can forward roll faster than Mr. T can run, promptly forward rolls into a wall. Good job there Woody – no wonder the others love you so much.

Mr. T, in the ULTIMATE trolling move, deflects a cake stand pushed towards him by grabbing the cake and flinging it at a villain, who slips on it and proceeds to have a lemon fall on his head. This is why I love Mr. T so much.

The villain looks remarkably like Aunt Flo from Bod at this point -

Sorry, why have they got to meet the others at Fisherman's Wharf? And what is Fisherman's Wharf? A bar?

Sadly, Fisherman's Wharf is a wharf. Woody makes a suggestion and, defying all logic, reveals he has two complete halves of the medallions that the villains somehow didn't manage to smash, because they didn't notice or something. Can I just add that I met a millionaire unicorn last night?

The gang head off to the factory where the medallions were made. Oh my god we still have eight minutes left of this cack.

TRIPLE TROLL FACE -

The factory is, predictably, in a state of disarray. The gang find the tied up owner in a room. Oh yes? Also, no one tried to just open the door before Mr. T ran at it and smashed through it with his wide self.

There is no way on Earth he wouldn't be able to spit out that gag, it was pathetic. All he had to do was open his mouth and it would have fallen out.

A HA! There is some kind of microfilm hidden inside one of the medallions! This puts paid to my Cash 4 Gold theory at least.

Just then, someone drives a van through the wall. I can only assume it's the villains. Or George Michael. I don't understand why T pushes that machine over to stop them – they were about to crash into the wall anyway.

Ha! The villains were at Fisherman's Wharf the whole time! I lol'ed, on account of how I don't like these kids very much.

The gang runs into an ARCADE! And again, with the door smashing before trying to open it. I think the gang has arrived at the ARCADE! too late.

Spike is locked up in one of the machines. I wonder if there's a similar kid in all machines, and it's their job to give out tickets when you win?

Later that night we arrive in the 1930s, where some gangsters are saying things like “Stay away from the broad, ya putz!” T shows up, and the kids forward roll the 1930s villains into submission.

Now did he just say “take the evidence and beat it” or “take the evidence and eat it”?

Fucking yes! Someone tries to shoot T with a harpoon, but he catches the harpoon mid flight and just smashes it. This is why I tuned into this show, not to watch a girl doing forward rolls.

Fucking double yes! Maths girl gets the microfilm out of the sea but is about to be eaten by sharks, so T just rocks up and casually punches the sharks. Why couldn't the show have just been T punching sharks from the beginning?

So that's it – villains are brought to justice, Woody is officially welcomed into the pathetic gang, all is well. Just time for a message from Mr. T himself -

“Always give the new kid a chance and...erm... eat your broccoli.”

The end. I may watch another episode in the future, but only if I can get a guarantee of less gymnastics and much more shark punching.

Childhood stuff #8 - Tele Bingo

I have writers' block today. I've been occupied with work/website related stuff, and in my spare time have been busy being far too hot.

When I was a kid (hang on, why do all my posts begin with me sounding like an old dear in a care home?) Now I've forgotten what I was going to sodding write.

When I was a kid, a hefty amount of my time was spent crossing numbers off a little plastic board -

This glamour encrusted spectacle was known as Tele Bingo, or Telly Bingo (which I think sounds like a dodgy used car salesman) or Colour Bingo. I was nearly an expert at this game, sometimes only being too slow to miss four or five numbers in an entire game. The Tele Bingo we frequented most was here, at BJ's amusement centre in Ingoldmells, sadly closed now -

Tele Bingo was ace because it only cost 10 or 20p a game, and you could win tokens which were saved up and exchanged for prizes. And everyone knows how much I love tokens.

It was pretty much a standard game of bingo. The numbers were called out, and also displayed on little television screens throughout the room. Each set of 20 numbers was given a corresponding colour (on the left was red, in case you were wondering). When your number was called, you crossed it off. This, I guess, is why kids were allowed, even welcomed - no messing about with bingo markers.

If you got a horizontal, vertical or diagonal line, or the four corners, you won. Sorry, let me rephrase that - YOU WON! 

Sometimes you had to press the 'claim' button when you won, and sometimes it was automatic, all done by computers and magic and shit. I much preferred the automatic versions - manual claiming could be damn tricky - you had to realise you'd won quickly enough. If you didn't, and you missed your win, the world was not big enough to hold your sorrow.

Mostly this was a 'me and my mum' activity, although my dad sometimes played too. However, even at casual seaside bingo the unwritten bingo rule applies - men are looked at a bit strange if they dare enter.

How to handle grown ups - 101 useless scams

Just a short post today, on a book that was, in theory, my bible as a child. In reality, of course, I was always too much of a wimp to actually put any of the ideas in this book into practice.

How to handle grown-ups, by Jim and Duncan Eldridge, claims to be able to get a child out of any tight spot, providing 101 fail-safe excuses for any occasion. In retrospect, I realise these excuses are perhaps not as "fail-safe" as a gullible child might have thought -

Reason for not doing the washing up - "We've run out of washing up liquid."

Way to go Braniac. There's no way your mother will do anything as drastic as looking in the cupboard to check.

Reason for being late for school - "I was here much earlier, but no one else was, so I went home again thinking school must have been cancelled."

Obviously, school opens at 5.30 in the morning, so anyone who isn't there at that time is a lazy fuck.

How to get more pocket money - "I want to buy you a special present."

Listen kiddo - I have money, and if I want something I'll buy my own fucking present. Which is exactly what I would be doing anyway.

How to get your parents to buy you something - "Were you a deprived child?"

Nope, and neither are you so shut the fuck up.

Reason for not eating certain foods - "Eggs are baby chickens. I'd feel like a cannibal.

This excuse will only work if you are a chicken.

How to get more food - "You're looking a little overweight, so perhaps I'd better eat that for you."

The result in our house - a slap.

Reason for having a pet - "I promise I'll look after it.

This is not a reason to have a pet. It is a standard aspect of pet care once you have acquired said pet.

How to get your parents to give you a clothing allowance - "Don't you trust me?"

Not as far as I can throw you, kiddo.

Music education Barbie style

Betterware catalogue - things you never even knew you needed

Every once in a while, this plops onto our doormat -

I like to peruse the Betterware catalogue, if only to check if their ware has got any better. It rarely has. Allow me to display some life changing inventions, beloved by old ladies everywhere -

Were you born into the sacred, God given role of 'Keeper of the onions'? Never fear - never again will you have to fight off onion thieves with a sword.

"Look stylish". Like this woman.

"Modesty panels"? What the fuck are modesty panels? Are they seriously suggesting that without these, women would be walking round with their tits out? Actually my friend Janine did that once, but it was only once.

Look lady, if it ain't an entire packet of biscuits, I don't want to know. Imagine turning up to someone's house with this. No one I know would dare turn up at my house with this.

This looks far too much like alcohol. If I came in drunk one night, I'd probably drink this whole bottle by mistake.

Coal paint. For painting your coal. "Oh sorry darling, I can't go out with you tonight, I have to stay in and paint my coal."

Firstly, I don't believe this flimsy plastic basket is entirely weatherproof. It might not withstand, say, a tornado, or getting struck by lightning. Secondly, I haven't seen a peg basket for ages. Didn't they go extinct in the 90s, along with cullottes and Walkmans?

"Look beautiful in blue." Actually, that is quite a nice dressing gown. I...oh...you're supposed to wear it outside?

I think they've already invented a dispenser for toothpaste, called a tube.

"Make your face glow." Yes, if I attacked my face with a toilet brush, I'm pretty sure my face would "glow" too.

Is this really the perfect welcome? I suppose it depends on who you're welcoming. If it's your boyfriend, maybe a steak and a naked woman would be a better welcome. If it's someone trying to sell you something, a punch in the face would be an appropriate welcome.

Are you tired of never looking like a member of The Seekers? Help is at hand with this "Instant Seekers" playset!

And finally - because I am an idiot, I read this as "Keep damp baby in small spaces." And I didn't even bat an eyelid, such is the Betterware catalogue.