How to handle grown ups - 101 useless scams

Just a short post today, on a book that was, in theory, my bible as a child. In reality, of course, I was always too much of a wimp to actually put any of the ideas in this book into practice.

How to handle grown-ups, by Jim and Duncan Eldridge, claims to be able to get a child out of any tight spot, providing 101 fail-safe excuses for any occasion. In retrospect, I realise these excuses are perhaps not as "fail-safe" as a gullible child might have thought -

Reason for not doing the washing up - "We've run out of washing up liquid."

Way to go Braniac. There's no way your mother will do anything as drastic as looking in the cupboard to check.

Reason for being late for school - "I was here much earlier, but no one else was, so I went home again thinking school must have been cancelled."

Obviously, school opens at 5.30 in the morning, so anyone who isn't there at that time is a lazy fuck.

How to get more pocket money - "I want to buy you a special present."

Listen kiddo - I have money, and if I want something I'll buy my own fucking present. Which is exactly what I would be doing anyway.

How to get your parents to buy you something - "Were you a deprived child?"

Nope, and neither are you so shut the fuck up.

Reason for not eating certain foods - "Eggs are baby chickens. I'd feel like a cannibal.

This excuse will only work if you are a chicken.

How to get more food - "You're looking a little overweight, so perhaps I'd better eat that for you."

The result in our house - a slap.

Reason for having a pet - "I promise I'll look after it.

This is not a reason to have a pet. It is a standard aspect of pet care once you have acquired said pet.

How to get your parents to give you a clothing allowance - "Don't you trust me?"

Not as far as I can throw you, kiddo.