Betterware catalogue - things you never even knew you needed

Every once in a while, this plops onto our doormat -

I like to peruse the Betterware catalogue, if only to check if their ware has got any better. It rarely has. Allow me to display some life changing inventions, beloved by old ladies everywhere -

Were you born into the sacred, God given role of 'Keeper of the onions'? Never fear - never again will you have to fight off onion thieves with a sword.

"Look stylish". Like this woman.

"Modesty panels"? What the fuck are modesty panels? Are they seriously suggesting that without these, women would be walking round with their tits out? Actually my friend Janine did that once, but it was only once.

Look lady, if it ain't an entire packet of biscuits, I don't want to know. Imagine turning up to someone's house with this. No one I know would dare turn up at my house with this.

This looks far too much like alcohol. If I came in drunk one night, I'd probably drink this whole bottle by mistake.

Coal paint. For painting your coal. "Oh sorry darling, I can't go out with you tonight, I have to stay in and paint my coal."

Firstly, I don't believe this flimsy plastic basket is entirely weatherproof. It might not withstand, say, a tornado, or getting struck by lightning. Secondly, I haven't seen a peg basket for ages. Didn't they go extinct in the 90s, along with cullottes and Walkmans?

"Look beautiful in blue." Actually, that is quite a nice dressing gown. I...oh...you're supposed to wear it outside?

I think they've already invented a dispenser for toothpaste, called a tube.

"Make your face glow." Yes, if I attacked my face with a toilet brush, I'm pretty sure my face would "glow" too.

Is this really the perfect welcome? I suppose it depends on who you're welcoming. If it's your boyfriend, maybe a steak and a naked woman would be a better welcome. If it's someone trying to sell you something, a punch in the face would be an appropriate welcome.

Are you tired of never looking like a member of The Seekers? Help is at hand with this "Instant Seekers" playset!

And finally - because I am an idiot, I read this as "Keep damp baby in small spaces." And I didn't even bat an eyelid, such is the Betterware catalogue.