Rainbow - A trip to the seaside

Rainbow - A visit from the doctor and A bus ride

Let's just take a minute to appreciate the joy of syntax here. According to this title, there are several possibilities as to what is going on in this book -

1. The gang get a visit from the doctor, and a visit from a bus ride. How is this even possible?

2. It's the lyrics to that well known song "A visit" from the smash hit musical "The doctor and a bus ride"

3. It's one long saga about how the doctor visits someone, then someone else rides a bus, for a reason that could only be connected to the first story by Ingmar Bergman

4. It's two separate but equally fucked up stories

Sadly, #4 is the correct answer. How I wish the correct answer was #2.

One more note on the cover - what the hell is "Station 7"? That sounds far too much like something out of The Hunger Games.

In this post I shall be reading the first story - "A visit from the doctor" - and probably laughing heartily while I do it.

"George isn't feeling well." Not surprising really, since he appears to be composed entirely of dots. Apart from this, he is apparently entering the menopause.

"You look like shit" say Zippy and Bungle.

"I feel like shit" says George.

Bungle, whose head has shrunk, decides George better go to bed. 

Zippy, as usual, decides to develop a case of Munchausen Syndrome, citing the time he caught the plague. He also appears to have caught George's Pointillism disease.

Oh yes? Bungle takes the doctor upstairs? This could be getting interesting.

Oh bollocks, it's only so she can give George a rectal examination or something. Chin up G, it's only the menopause.

Incidentally, how big is George supposed to be? or is the doctor really small? I mean, compare that picture with one of George next to Geoffrey -

Anyway.

The doctor "takes out a thing that looks like a snake with a mirror on one end and two long tubes on the other."

My god, this reads like something from 50 shades of grey, which I am ashamed to admit I've read. And when I say 'read', I mean 'make myself look at while simultaneously trying not to gouge my own eyes out'. Never again.

George asks what a stethoscope does, and whether it will hurt. How old is George supposed to be, one? Why doesn't he know anything ever? More to the point, why is Bungle in charge? Bungle, who once started crying because Zippy wouldn't share his crayons?

Also - "Doctors don't hurt people - they make them better." Try telling that to Harold Shipman.

Zippy demands a go on the stethoscope. Apparently George's heart goes "bar-boom, bar-boom". I'm pretty sure my heart doesn't do that. Also, I can't say 'bar-boom' without sounding like Fred Elliot.

Then George has a go on the stethoscope. I'm dying for the doctor to just get pissed off with them and start shouting into the other end.

For fuck's sake, George doesn't know what a temperature is. Bungle does though, with his large forehead. Why is Bungle in charge? Is it because the artist can't draw Geoffrey? I wouldn't be surprised.

The doctor takes George's temperature, sadly only orally. This scene has massive potential -

Sadly, this potential is never realised. Not that I actually wanted it to be. Eew.

The doctor declares that George has got a bit of a cold, and should stay in bed all day. Listen lady, having 'a bit of a cold' does not justify staying in bed for the day. That privilege comes with a hangover.

George whinges about being bored in bed. I hesitate to suggest what he could do to pass the time.

Luckily for George, Zippy and Bungle keep him company upstairs. Zippy amuses himself by giving Bungle the finger. I love Zippy.

Fin.

Rainbow - Is it true that milk comes from cow sex?

Once again I find myself apologising profusely for my latest absence, especially since I seem to have some new followers since my last post. I could give any number of reasons for not posting, but the truth is I'm just a bit crap.
Now then. I've never seen this episode of Rainbow before, but with a title like Where does milk come from? I couldn't pass up the opportunity to critique it in reasonable and adult manner.


Part 1 -

We begin by getting a bizarre view of life in the Rainbow house - Geoffrey has reservations about letting the others watch TV. He must think TV is a bad thing, despite BEING ON FUCKING TV HIMSELF.

Note that, when the TV is finally switched on, it's under the window where no one can see it anyway.

We are treated to a free milkshake recipe, courtesy of the Why Don't You rip of on the TV*

While George and Zippy are chatting away about how much they love milkshakes, Bungle appears to be having an existential crisis -

Look at that expression - it just screams "Oh God I'm nearly 40 and I'm Bungle for a living."

The gang decide to make milkshakes, but realise there is no milk left to shake. Luckily, Geoffrey saves the day by coming in and putting two pints down on the table, a table which he then tells the others to clear. God I love Geoffrey logic. 

George asks the bajillion dollar question - "Where does milk come from?" this is an ace question because it will inevitably lead to "Where do babies come from?" At least it will if it's got any sense.

NB - milk doesn't necessarily come from cows. I saw almond milk the other day. Although I didn't actually see the almonds being milked.

Yessssss, a film of some cows, I love cows, I...hang on, what the fuck is Geoffrey doing there? With a flat cap and a sinister smile? No wonder the cows are running away.

I wonder if cows know they're being milked? I wonder how they feel about it?

Ha, ha, ha ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha, Geoffrey just said "Sorry Mr Cow!" Mr Cow? I can see how he'd be having to apologise if he'd been trying to milk a bull.

Cut to a Lines And Shapes. I wonder what it's going to be? I predict it's going to be the Earth, after it got too hot and melted a bit -

I was wrong. I am ashamed.

Holy hell, how much milk did that cow produce? no wonder she looks so pleased with herself.

Thank god it's the interval now, I need a rest after all that excitement.

Part 2 -

Since the uploader has decided to be a bit of a dick today, here is the Youtube link to part 2 just to be on the safe side. Because I know you're all dying to watch part 2 so much.

Part 2!

Best. Song. Ever. Accompanied by some very fancy dancing courtesy of Geoffrey.

Bugger. When Bungle asks "how does the milk get into the bottle?", I genuinely thought he was going to ask "how does the milk get into the cow?" WHEN is Geoffrey going to explain about cow sex?

How I imagine cow sex.

There follows a rather nifty, Sesame Street style film, detailing the life cycle of a wild milk.

Wow. Rod Jane and freddy don't just know a song about milk, they know a song about actually being milk.These three really do know songs about everything. I bet they also know songs about European fishing policy and hotel employee union regulations.

Incidentally, who makes the best milk bottle? I'm voting for Freddy, just because I like Freddy the best. Plus, Freddy's bottle top hat is worn at a jaunty and rakish angle -

Back to the action. the guys are making milkshakes.** And then, ooh, Zippy and George are going to tell today's story! 

Why is Bungle always the milkmaid? I mean, only when a milkmaid is required, of course.***

I know this cow. This cow has moonlighted in several episodes. I hope she got paid Equity rates.

THIS. THIS SCENE RIGHT HERE -

This is what Rainbow's all about - two grown men, one in a bear suit, trying to wrestle a pantomime cow to the ground.

Hang on, they're feeding the cow milk so it will produce milk? On what planet will that help? That's like making a human being drink their own piss in order to be able to go. Also, eew.

The show ends rather abruptly. I think they got the cow milked in the end, although if there was any logic in the Rainbow universe, the cow would squirt grass as a result of being fed milk, since everything appears to be the wrong way round. if I ever have a pet cow, as is my ambition, I'll feed her properly, not with Bungle's crappy milkshake with hair in it.

* Fuck that recipe. For the best milkshakes, all you need is milk, ice cream, and my super duper electric whisk thingy. None of this fruit bullshit. Fruit is evil.

** Also, your milkshake might be more successful if you don't let Bungle anywhere near it. Less hairy.

*** I just remembered, George was a milkmaid once, in Tommy Tucker.

Childhood stuff # 10 - Lionel

Everyone has a teddy bear or an equivalent stuffed best friend - one toy you've had ever since you can remember, and who will stay with you until you die, aged 40, in a bizarre scrabble related accident. Your teddy will probably be buried with you. I imagine it will have its own group of teddy mourners, all dressed in knitted top hats and tails, all crying knitted tears.

This is my partner in crime, his name is Lionel -

Lionel is my best friend in the whole world. He's seen me through ten house moves, school (both attending and bunking off), university, jobs both good and bad, and any number of failed relationships. To some people he is a sad looking mouse, but those people are wrong/stupid. He is a bear, albeit a very angry, disappointed looking bear. 

Lionel is named after light entertainer and all round 1980s staple Lionel Blair, who I was obsessed with as a toddler. I was also obsessed with Leslie Crowther and Tosh from The Bill, for some godforsaken reason. Children are weird.

So. A disgruntled looking bear/mouse, knitted from insanely scratchy wool. I wonder what made the 3 year old me take to him so readily and with such gusto? God knows really, but I'm glad I did, because he's certainly stuck it out. Whereas millions of Beanie Babies, Care Bears and Mickey Mouses (Mickey Mice?) will undoubtedly have fallen long ago, Lionel is badass. He sits, to this day, looking like a knitted Ena Sharples, disapproving of everything. Just like me. That's why I love him.

Camping Trick - a spoof Rainbow comic

10 points if you spot the Carry On gag -

Bananas Ahoy - a spoof Rainbow comic strip