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Sunday, 5 December 2010

Daddy Egbert's ding a ling

Just a small review today, on a piece of bizarre loveliness in the form of a Button Moon episode. I don't often watch Button Moon, what with my double career as head of the World Trade Organisation and top oven glove model. Nevertheless, I consider it my duty to occasionally spy on Mr Spoon and his menagerie of kitchen utensils. Sometimes there is a cow, I like cows. Sadly not in this episode. This episode centres around Daddy Egbert being thrown off the dole and being forced to GET A JOB!

The excitement begins with Mr Spoon and Spoon Junior talking to Daddy Egbert (hereafter referred to as D.E.) and normal Egbert about D.E.s new job as an ice cream man. D.E. is wearing a flat cap like a proper working man. Mummy Egbert is probably locked in the coal hole.
Then normal Egbert fannies on about liking ice cream or something, while Spoon Junior stands rigid, as if frozen by an evil curse. Apparently not, she was just bored.
Mrs Spoon is finally allowed out of the house, and announces that she has to stay at home today and lay the carpet in the spare bedroom. "No no, she definitely wants to" she insists, for the benefit of D.E. "It's definitely not because Mr Spoon is embarrassed by my strange afro."
The gang, with the exception of D.E., go up to space in a tin of beans. Because the children shouldn't be at school or anything like that. Perhaps it's like Armageddon, where the kids are brought up on some kind of weird space oil rig.
At this point I do wonder why we pay so much for research into interplanetary travel. Here we have a remarkably cheap prototype of a rocket that operates using ONE button. Anyway.
The tin of beans lands on Button Moon, where we encounter a teddy bear with the voice of a perverted farmer. He's being boring and trying to wake up his friend who is obviously dead inside the toybox. Blah blah blah, the friend's not dead, hooray, blah blah blah...

I've just remembered, this is the episode with the lion. It gets MUCH better.

The perverted farmer has bought his girlfriend a bloody doorbell, and she thinks it's a fitting return gift to invite him on safari. She obviously doesn't get many presents.
"I'm going to get the dumper truck" she cries, somewhat inexplicably.

Leaving the egg and spoon freaks behind, the pair drive into the safari park. Only then do they remember that they are supposed to be in a roofed vehicle, for their own safety. And now there is a scary lion growling at them from about three feet away. And it's one badass lion -

The pair understandably shit their pants, but are rescued in the nick of time by... that crappy doorbell. Why did they bring it with them to a safari park? "Oh we don't need a roof, fuck it, but you've got another thing coming if you think I'm idiot enough to set foot in there without some kind of device that lets me know I have a visitor." For god's sake.
Then the most amazing thing happens. Seriously, the most amazing television event that has ever taken place. Take my advice - arrange a night in, get some friends round,maybe some beers, and spend the night hitting the rewind button. You will never get tired of this, and your parties will be the stuff of legend for years to come. Are you ready?

The noise of the doorbell makes the lion fucking EXPLODE!!!!

I'm not entirely sure what else I can say about this episode, or in fact any show ever. It seems to me as if TV perfection has been achieved right here, and that to write anything further would be a pointless as pissing in my own pants. No matter, I will think of some crap to write about the now obviously anticlimactic ending. On we go.
There are some more animals, including a snail, which is a bit of a shit attraction at a safari park if you ask me.
Then we check in on Mr Spoon and his extended family, who are perving on people with a telephoto lens. Egbert spots his dad IN TROUBLE! His van has broken down, meaning he can't do the ice cream round after all! What Egbert didn't see was D.E. removing the fan belt from the engine in order to have an excuse to go home for the day.
"Luckily" for D.E., the gang fly down to help him, and suggest that he uses the tin of beans as a makeshift ice cream van. "Ah, but the chimes, no one will know I'm here without the chimes" replies D.E. No problem D.E., you can use the crappy lion exploding doorbell! Hooraay!
You can see D.E.visibly fuming as, instead of being allowed to go home with pay, he is now forced to drive his interfering neighbour's death trap around, all the time with people wondering why he keeps pressing that bloody doorbell.

The moral of this story, children, is never help anyone ever, because they don't fucking want your help, ok?

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