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Thursday, 10 October 2013

I think Bruce Forsyth is king of the vampires

I've been developing a theory recently. By 'developing a theory', I mean it's been popping into my head while I've been sitting round in my pants drinking sherry with the mister. But it is valid nonetheless.

In a nutshell - I am convinced that Bruce Forsyth is the king of the vampires.

Firstly, let me deal with the immediate questions this raises.

1. "Vampires don't exist". Oh yes they do, I've seen them on the TV. The ones I've seen have names like Hal and Edward, and they have nice hair. See the critically acclaimed 2008 documentary Twilight for more details.

2. "But Forsyth was born in 1928!" So? Just because he's immortal now doesn't mean he's been around since the birth of Christ. I also happen to have pinpointed the vampire who most likely turned Bruce in the first place, which I shall come to later.

3. "Jenny, you're a twat." That may very well be the case, but I am still right.

Incidentally, Forsyth's father was named John Thomas. British people will snigger at this.

Okey dokey, let's continue.

I have been following Bruce Forsyth's career for many years now, and may as well start by addressing the elephant in the room - THE MAN DOES NOT AGE. Oh sure, he has birthdays, but not in the depressing, skidding towards death way that you and I have them. Physically, he does not get any older. Let's take a look at the following pictures -

Bruce in 1978 -

Bruce in 1998 -

Bruce in 2018 (probably) -

Gentlemen of the jury, the man is still a sprightly young whippersnapper of indeterminate age. He is still tapdancing around and having a full head of hair, which won't do at all.

My second piece of evidence is this - have you or anyone you know actually ever met Bruce Forsyth? I mean, he's so famous that everyone must have at least been in the same room as him at some point, right? Not so. I do not know one single person who has met him, nor does anyone I have ever met know anyone who has met him. There are two possible explanations for this. One - he spends all his free time in a darkened room, and only comes out for television appearances. Two - no one who has met the king of the vampires ever lives to tell the tale.

Lastly, I would invite you to look at the unnatural orange hue of the man. Human beings do not get to be this colour, even with the most extreme sunbed use. So I put it to you that his colour is a result of gorging on blood.

Now that we've established beyond all doubt ever that Forsyth is indeed king of the vampires, let us move on to examining just how he got to be king of the vampires.
I mentioned earlier that I have found the vampire that turned Bruce. I believe it to be this man -

I couldn't be bothered to look up his name, so let's call him Derek.

Derek rose to prominence as Bruce's helper on 90s TV staple Bruce's Price Is Right. At this point my thoughts branch off in two directions. Firstly, perhaps Derek was offered the glamorous job of prize displayer by a power hungry Forsyth, in exchange for immortality and possibly superhuman strength. Secondly, maybe Derek already had the job and turned Bruce of his own volition, in order to have a powerful ally. After all, vampire rules dictate that you should always be loyal to the one who created you.

I am inclined to favour the first explanation, seeing as Derek, to my knowledge, has not really done anything since parading around in his knickers in front of a go-kart and a fitted kitchen.

Once Forsyth had immortality on his side, getting to be top dog in the vampire underworld wouldn't have been so very hard for him. For starters, he could have bribed his way to the top using all the prizes they didn't win on the four thousand game shows he's presented. Or he could have even bribed his way to the top by offering the vampire elite a chance to appear on The Generation Game, failing to use a potter's wheel correctly in front of a studio audience.

He may not have even needed the bribes. Let's face it, Bruce Forsyth is so powerful that he could probably have become king of the vampires without having to become a vampire. But that is an unpleasant alternative,and involves a vicious, blood soaked turf war, possibly involving Miss Cilla Black (incidentally, I'm not saying that Cilla Black is a vampire, but if she is, it was definitely 'our Graham' who turned her).

I prefer to think that Bruce became head honcho by being generous with his wealth of prizes he nicked from studios. Or maybe the other vampires were all big fans of his light hearted, tap dancing themed tomfoolery, and realised it was destiny that he should rule over them. All I'm saying is that Forsyth is definitely a vampire, and that he is naturally a man who will win over a crowd and rise to the top of his profession. There is simply one one who could outrank him at the moment.

Maybe in the future a new light entertainment presenter/vampire will come along and challenge his crown, but I can't see that happening for a while. After all, Ant and Dec are a bit crap, and so is the other one who presents Saturday night TV. I don't know his name, maybe it's Paul.

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