Penny's wanky pencil of happiness

Hey groovy gang, today I'm writing about a show often overlooked by those in Nothing Better To Do Land - short lived cartoon series Penny Crayon. Aired for only 12 episodes between '89 and '90, and voiced by "comedian" Su Pollard, I guarantee you it has the catchiest theme song ever. Watch this intro at your peril - you will be singing it for weeks afterwards -

Pollard seems to have the most inappropriate voice for a cartoon small girl ever, that of a raspy woman on a hen night after nine Bacardi Breezers and a packet of fags. She sounds particularly excited and horny in this episode, entitled "Silly Daydream". At least, that's what I think it's called, the title appears in some kind of strange ancient Greek font, making it read more like "Silky Dakorium".

We start with Hen Night Pollard declaring that Greek mythology is shit, despite the protests of her useless friend Dennis, who has the oddest voice in the world. it is how I imagine a carrot would talk if that were possible.

Since the class has been left alone while the teacher goes for a quick cigarette in the toilets, Hen Night decides to graffiti on her desk. Way to go teaching responsible behaviour to kids there. Mind you, kids obviously didn't take any notice of this show; they weren't fooled into thinking that the drawings would magically become real, otherwise buildings today would be covered in scribbles of Xboxes and crack.

Anyway, Hen Night draws a terrible version of the white rabbit from Alice In Wonderland. It fucks off, inviting the pair to join him, and we disappear down the rabbit's hole.

We magically arrive at a copyright infringement of the Mad Hatter's tea party. the Mad Hatter mistakes Hen Night for Alice, and hilarity ensues. Apparently.

Hen Night drinks some more Bacardi Breezer and instantly becomes about 100 ft tall. Inexplicably, she then decides it's a good idea to wander into the sea, where she encounters a ginger Poseidon, possibly a Scottish Poseidon. He throws a paddy when Hen Night, rather unwisely, repeats her earlier opinion that "Greek mythology is shit".

Scottish Poseidon shrinks her back down to normal size in the hope that she will then drown. Good. It's a close call, but sadly she is rescued by a homosexual dolphin and his trainer.

The three of them ride to Corinth, at which point I am beginning to wonder what the fuck Alice in Wonderland had to do with anything? Wasn't there a simpler way to transport Hen Night back to ancient Greece without copyright infringement?

The homosexual dolphin trainer offers Hen Night a job as a lap dancer, which she politely declines before getting the fuck out of there. Next she needs to draw some kind of transport to get her back to the tea party. Might I suggest an interdimentional portal? Or LSD?

In the end she plumps for a sodding horse, when she could just as easily have drawn a jet propelled car. A men in a leotard turns up, claiming to be called Clive or something, and asks if she can add wings to the horse, then he will steal it. I've read some Greek mythology, and I'm pretty sure that the Pegasus story didn't involve Su Pollard.

Clive is supposed to defeat some lion-goat thing, but instead of going to find a real one, the lazy fuck decides it will count if he just rubs out a drawing of one. Unbelievably, the rest of the kingdom accept this foolishness and declare Clive to be a hero, when all he did was throw some water about.

In a plot with more holes than a fishing net, Hen Night then chases the crappy rabbit back to the tea party where Carrot Voice is asleep, thanks to the Diazepam in his tea.

The pair make their excuses and leave back up the rabbit's hole, which looks too much like a diagram of an anal passage for my liking.

They arrive back in the classroom just as the teacher returns from his cigarette break. He has the same hair as Scottish Poseidon. Could it be? We'll never know.

Teacher/Poseidon sees that Hen Night and Carrot Voice haven't written a damn word, so declares they're not allowed any food for the rest of their lives, or until they write their stupid essays. He warns them that they might "miss their tea", at which Hen Night and Carrot Voice begin to laugh like epileptic morons. And that is the end. Nothing is explained.

Daddy Egbert's ding a ling

Just a small review today, on a piece of bizarre loveliness in the form of a Button Moon episode. I don't often watch Button Moon, what with my double career as head of the World Trade Organisation and top oven glove model. Nevertheless, I consider it my duty to occasionally spy on Mr Spoon and his menagerie of kitchen utensils. Sometimes there is a cow, I like cows. Sadly not in this episode. This episode centres around Daddy Egbert being thrown off the dole and being forced to GET A JOB!

The excitement begins with Mr Spoon and Spoon Junior talking to Daddy Egbert (hereafter referred to as D.E.) and normal Egbert about D.E.s new job as an ice cream man. D.E. is wearing a flat cap like a proper working man. Mummy Egbert is probably locked in the coal hole.

Then normal Egbert fannies on about liking ice cream or something, while Spoon Junior stands rigid, as if frozen by an evil curse. Apparently not, she was just bored.

Mrs Spoon is finally allowed out of the house, and announces that she has to stay at home today and lay the carpet in the spare bedroom. "No no, she definitely wants to" she insists, for the benefit of D.E. "It's definitely not because Mr Spoon is embarrassed by my strange afro."

The gang, with the exception of D.E., go up to space in a tin of beans. Because the children shouldn't be at school or anything like that. Perhaps it's like Armageddon, where the kids are brought up on some kind of weird space oil rig.

At this point I do wonder why we pay so much for research into interplanetary travel. Here we have a remarkably cheap prototype of a rocket that operates using ONE button. Anyway.

The tin of beans lands on Button Moon, where we encounter a teddy bear with the voice of a perverted farmer. He's being boring and trying to wake up his friend who is obviously dead inside the toybox. Blah blah blah, the friend's not dead, hooray, blah blah blah...

I've just remembered, this is the episode with the lion. It gets MUCH better.

The perverted farmer has bought his girlfriend a bloody doorbell, and she thinks it's a fitting return gift to invite him on safari. She obviously doesn't get many presents.

"I'm going to get the dumper truck" she cries, somewhat inexplicably.

Leaving the egg and spoon freaks behind, the pair drive into the safari park. Only then do they remember that they are supposed to be in a roofed vehicle, for their own safety. And now there is a scary lion growling at them from about three feet away. And it's one badass lion -

The pair understandably shit their pants, but are rescued in the nick of time by... that crappy doorbell. Why did they bring it with them to a safari park? "Oh we don't need a roof, fuck it, but you've got another thing coming if you think I'm idiot enough to set foot in there without some kind of device that lets me know I have a visitor." For god's sake.

Then the most amazing thing happens. Seriously, the most amazing television event that has ever taken place. Take my advice - arrange a night in, get some friends round,maybe some beers, and spend the night hitting the rewind button. You will never get tired of this, and your parties will be the stuff of legend for years to come. Are you ready?

The noise of the doorbell makes the lion fucking EXPLODE!!!!

I'm not entirely sure what else I can say about this episode, or in fact any show ever. It seems to me as if TV perfection has been achieved right here, and that to write anything further would be a pointless as pissing in my own pants. No matter, I will think of some crap to write about the now obviously anticlimactic ending. On we go.

There are some more animals, including a snail, which is a bit of a shit attraction at a safari park if you ask me.

Then we check in on Mr Spoon and his extended family, who are perving on people with a telephoto lens. Egbert spots his dad IN TROUBLE! His van has broken down, meaning he can't do the ice cream round after all! What Egbert didn't see was D.E. removing the fan belt from the engine in order to have an excuse to go home for the day.

"Luckily" for D.E., the gang fly down to help him, and suggest that he uses the tin of beans as a makeshift ice cream van. "Ah, but the chimes, no one will know I'm here without the chimes" replies D.E. No problem D.E., you can use the crappy lion exploding doorbell! Hooraay!

You can see D.E.visibly fuming as, instead of being allowed to go home with pay, he is now forced to drive his interfering neighbour's death trap around, all the time with people wondering why he keeps pressing that bloody doorbell.

The moral of this story, children, is never help anyone ever, because they don't fucking want your help, ok?

Getting your own way can sometimes suck

This episode is entitled "Getting your own way", which is a fine skill to teach the children at home. Presumably, if the show is ever revived, titles will have to be updated to things like "Hiding your stash". BUT, the twist here is that the story will show us how it isn't always good to get your own way! Aaaaahhhh! Bet you never saw that one coming! Those crafty folk in Rainbowtown.

Part one - the quest begins

The show opens with Zippy finishing a surprisingly good collage. At least, it's good when you compare it to previous collage efforts of the rainbow house -to previous collage efforts of the rai

With his creative lust satisfied, Zippy, who can't be unoccupied for more than eight seconds, begins to pester George and Bungle for an as yet unspecified "game". Hmm.
George, being an honorary woman, suggests Happy Families, but the more virile Zippy suggests Snakes And Ladders. At the climax of the debate, Zippy is about to give George a backhander for sassing him, but ultimately thinks better of it. Bungle, not appearing to swing either way (at least in terms of games), obviously has the final say. Zippy and George both attempt to curry favour by using that well known tactic - "behave like a dirty old man in the park".

Zippy - "I'll let you have a lick of my lollipop if we play snakes and ladders"

George - "would you like a sweetie Bungle?"

Bungle looks perturbed by all this, but not distressed enough to not be a sweetie whore, and the majority decides on Happy Families. Zippy, sensing defeat, puts down his obviously wooden lollipop. Enter Geoffrey looking very suave, and carrying a newspaper which he proceeds to place over a suspicious part of his anatomy. Really Geoffrey, I knew Jane gave you the horn, but George? You disappoint me.

Zippy manages to wangle a game of Snakes And Ladders after all, by sucking up to Geoffrey and telling him how good the S&L game he bought was, and "how much longer the snakes were". He prompts Bungle to agree and Bungle, obviously scared of getting no dinner from Geoffrey yet again, agrees that it's the best game known to man. Geoffrey agrees that they should play Snakes And Ladders, and when George protests, Zippy gives him a real backhander. Well, sort of, actually it's the most foppish backhander I've ever seen.

All the time this is going on, Bungle is inexplicably sorting through the Happy Families cards for no apparent reason, I suspect out of awkwardness, or perhaps a lack of scripted lines. This is interrupted by Geoffrey's order to "come on Bungle, get it out".

There follows a short Cosgrove Hall animation, featuring a boy with anger issues, and a girl with fat arms and a squeaky neck.

Cut back to the action. The gang are now playing the long awaited Snakes And Ladders game. Zippy lands on the biggest snake, and has to go all the way back to the start. Bungle, being socially inept, can't help pointing this out to Zippy and laughing. Go on Zippy, staple his buttocks to the chair, you know you want to.

Bungle throws a four, but he's crafty and picks the dice up before anyone else can see it, so for all we know he threw a one. Cheating bollock face.

After losing, Zippy insists that Happy Families is better. Everyone groans "Oh Zippy!" in unison, including Geoffrey, who wasn't even in the room when Zippy expressed his hatred for Happy Families.

Part two - the hero's journey

We now join the trio in a game of Happy Families, and we see why Zippy thinks it's so shit. However, this is merely the calm before the storm. Things really hot up when Rod, Jane and Freddy arrive, apparently from the kitchen. Rod and Freddy, being men (mostly), want to watch the football with Geoffrey. Jane meanwhile, being a woman, wants to watch a cookery show. On Geoffrey's TV. When cold hearted Geoffrey denies Jane this harmless request, she simply states "Fine, I'll go watch it on my own TV then!" Um, ok then, groovy.

Geoffrey kicks Bungle, George and Zippy out of the house while he, Rod and Freddy all try their hardest to be alpha males for the afternoon, bless. Note Geoffrey's enthusiastic "come on the lads", while waving his crotch at the TV. Apart from that they're boring, so we head to the garden to find Bungle George and Zippy being equally boring. And a hobby horse dies.

Suddenly, Nurse Gladys Emmanuel appears in the garden. I nearly stopped this review here since this was such an awesome turn of events that will never be surpassed. But I know you're all dying to find out what happens.

Nurse Gladys Emmanuel reads a story about a bossy cat, which teaches you that sometimes you should humour mice, or something.

The alpha males come outside, lamenting that their team is utter fucking shite (I'm paraphrasing). And what's worse, they've missed the story! Three men in their late 30s have missed the story.

Jane turns up, having carried a tray of drinks right from her house, which might very well be in Manchester, I don't know.

And then a rather abrupt ending, possibly so the alpha males don't have to carry on admitting being wrong wrong wrong. Yeah Geoffrey, if you're caught out, just end the show, you coward.

Author's note - it should be pointed out that, although I am always spewing hate at Geoffrey, he is in fact my hero. It is the law that Geoffrey is seen as brilliant by all.

Deck the halls with balls n stuff

Since it's November, and therefore apparently Christmas, I figured I'd start off by writing about the undisputed champion of festive Rainbow episodes - "Wrapping and unwrapping". I once made my parents watch this episode 11 times in a row - their own silly fault for buying me the video.

Quick bit of background for those who have never seen this gem of a show, either because you haven't yet hit puberty, or you spent your entire life with your head in a bucket -

Shown on ITV from 1972 to 1992. Basic plot was this - Geoffrey Hayes, a stud of a man in bright dungarees (and wearing a permanently exasperated expression, with good reason), lived in the Rainbow house with Zippy, George and Bungle. No one knows where the Rainbow house was, but I'd guess at somewhere posh down south going by their accents. The official line is that they were all "just good friends", but who knows? Maybe Geoffrey had sex with a really ugly woman and then got custody?

Every week in the Rainbow house another hard hitting topic was tackled, and eventually resolved. I don't kid, over the years, Rainbow has been known to find the meaning of life, the solution to world peace, the cure for the common cold, and the best way to organise your jigsaws (put them in labelled boxes of course!)

Frequent visitors to the house included Rod Jane and Freddy, who usually got punched for singing about everyone's personal problems, Dawn Boden, the next door neighbour (Come on Geoffrey, we all know what you two were doing together in the shed), and Chrisopher Lillicrap (still doing songs but marginally better looking than Rod Jane Freddy so he never got beaten up, although he did get paint thrown over him once, but that was just Bungle being a twat)

I will give each of the characters their own profile later on, they all have far too many mental problems to fit into a few lines.

And now to the action with the thrilling part one!

We join the Rainbow gang as they are all covered in tinsel and, thanks to his peculiar position on the ladder, from a certain angle you can see Geoffrey's bum (should you want to, I mean I don't, that's just wrong).

Note - while we're on the subject of Geoffrey's bum, check out what comes next - Bungle expressing his feverish love for Christmas, while Geoffrey appears to be giving him an anal themed lap dance from the ladder. A minute later Bungle admonishes Zippy for being greedy, and all the time the perverted bear has his face still thrust in his adopted father's rear end.

Things soon take a more serious and sombre turn, as the gang realise they have forgotten their estranged Auntie Elsie in New Zealand. If they don't get those presents to her in time, then she will have nothing on Christmas day, and will sit all alone, weeping into a can of beans before slitting her wrists with the jagged tin lid.

When the presents are revealed, it becomes apparent that they probably should have just left her to her can of beans; they are the most pathetic presents ever. Firstly some bedsocks that imply she's morbidly obese and has to be lifted by crane to the toilet, some pretty nondescript hankies, a second hand box of chocolates, and a glass 'thing', whatever it is.

Where the hell did Bungle get those bedsocks?

There is a brief interlude featuring an animation of the Loch Ness monster, which obviously has everything to do with Christmas.

Back to the cut and thrust, and the present wrapping is underway. Geoffrey orders George to get some sellotape from the dispenser, despite George only having one arm. He ends up taping his entire face up, while Geoffrey gets annoyed, Zippy laughs, and Bungle just stands there like a pillock.

A quick lesson on how to wrap presents pretty poorly, followed by writing labels. Notice that Bungle "isn't very good at writing yet", yet in other episodes he is left alone to look after Zippy and George, while Geoffrey's out gallivanting. Tut tut.

Part two!

Another Christmassy animation, this time from the Red Arrows, then the gang wrap Geoffrey's glass 'whatever the fuck it is' (my boyfriend thought it was a bong for some fucking reason). Bungle ends up with the labels stuck to his arse, yet Geoffrey still insists on using them, even though they're now covered in hair from Bungle's arse crack.

Next we go spy on Rod Jane and Freddy during their carolling expedition. It's handy for them that they seem to have brought along an entire studio, complete with vocal effects and an editing suite, not to mention a full band. That's value for money. Even though they're supposed to be best friends with the occupants of the Rainbow house, notice how they leave them standing in the snow for absolutely bloody ages, and even at the end of the song they don't invite them in, they just appear on the doorstep with what looks like mugs of battery acid. In fact they don't even bother staying until the end of the song, they just bugger off back inside. I don't really blame Bungle, given that he's naked. I'm just bitter because Rod Jane and Freddy never turned up outside my house, but I'll never stop hoping.

Now we get to my favourite part of this episode - writing Auntie Elsie's address on the parcel. Please observe that her full address is simply "Green Street, New Zealand". Do they actually not want the parcel to get there or something? And after all that trouble too.

Jane pops in, evidently the only one to have forgiven them for the carolling snub. Geoffrey cajoles her into babysitting while he goes to the pub, er, the post office. He is soon back with chips, having forgotten to feed his young wards earlier, only to find Jane has buggered off. Obviously the whole thing was revenge.

Equilibrium is restored soon, however, as we find all seven playing a jolly game of pass the parcel. George decides to cheat by guilt tripping Geoffrey into stopping the music when it's his turn, thus winning a crappy snow globe filled with LSD.

At the end, Geoffrey retrospectively hopes that Auntie Elsie got her presents on time. One, you don't care, you couldn't even be bothered to write the whole address, and two, you obviously never phoned her to check. You inconsiderate sod.