Penny's wanky pencil of happiness

Hey groovy gang, today I'm writing about a show often overlooked by those in Nothing Better To Do Land - short lived cartoon series Penny Crayon. Aired for only 12 episodes between '89 and '90, and voiced by "comedian" Su Pollard, I guarantee you it has the catchiest theme song ever. Watch this intro at your peril - you will be singing it for weeks afterwards -

Pollard seems to have the most inappropriate voice for a cartoon small girl ever, that of a raspy woman on a hen night after nine Bacardi Breezers and a packet of fags. She sounds particularly excited and horny in this episode, entitled "Silly Daydream". At least, that's what I think it's called, the title appears in some kind of strange ancient Greek font, making it read more like "Silky Dakorium".

We start with Hen Night Pollard declaring that Greek mythology is shit, despite the protests of her useless friend Dennis, who has the oddest voice in the world. it is how I imagine a carrot would talk if that were possible.

Since the class has been left alone while the teacher goes for a quick cigarette in the toilets, Hen Night decides to graffiti on her desk. Way to go teaching responsible behaviour to kids there. Mind you, kids obviously didn't take any notice of this show; they weren't fooled into thinking that the drawings would magically become real, otherwise buildings today would be covered in scribbles of Xboxes and crack.

Anyway, Hen Night draws a terrible version of the white rabbit from Alice In Wonderland. It fucks off, inviting the pair to join him, and we disappear down the rabbit's hole.

We magically arrive at a copyright infringement of the Mad Hatter's tea party. the Mad Hatter mistakes Hen Night for Alice, and hilarity ensues. Apparently.

Hen Night drinks some more Bacardi Breezer and instantly becomes about 100 ft tall. Inexplicably, she then decides it's a good idea to wander into the sea, where she encounters a ginger Poseidon, possibly a Scottish Poseidon. He throws a paddy when Hen Night, rather unwisely, repeats her earlier opinion that "Greek mythology is shit".

Scottish Poseidon shrinks her back down to normal size in the hope that she will then drown. Good. It's a close call, but sadly she is rescued by a homosexual dolphin and his trainer.

The three of them ride to Corinth, at which point I am beginning to wonder what the fuck Alice in Wonderland had to do with anything? Wasn't there a simpler way to transport Hen Night back to ancient Greece without copyright infringement?

The homosexual dolphin trainer offers Hen Night a job as a lap dancer, which she politely declines before getting the fuck out of there. Next she needs to draw some kind of transport to get her back to the tea party. Might I suggest an interdimentional portal? Or LSD?

In the end she plumps for a sodding horse, when she could just as easily have drawn a jet propelled car. A men in a leotard turns up, claiming to be called Clive or something, and asks if she can add wings to the horse, then he will steal it. I've read some Greek mythology, and I'm pretty sure that the Pegasus story didn't involve Su Pollard.

Clive is supposed to defeat some lion-goat thing, but instead of going to find a real one, the lazy fuck decides it will count if he just rubs out a drawing of one. Unbelievably, the rest of the kingdom accept this foolishness and declare Clive to be a hero, when all he did was throw some water about.

In a plot with more holes than a fishing net, Hen Night then chases the crappy rabbit back to the tea party where Carrot Voice is asleep, thanks to the Diazepam in his tea.

The pair make their excuses and leave back up the rabbit's hole, which looks too much like a diagram of an anal passage for my liking.

They arrive back in the classroom just as the teacher returns from his cigarette break. He has the same hair as Scottish Poseidon. Could it be? We'll never know.

Teacher/Poseidon sees that Hen Night and Carrot Voice haven't written a damn word, so declares they're not allowed any food for the rest of their lives, or until they write their stupid essays. He warns them that they might "miss their tea", at which Hen Night and Carrot Voice begin to laugh like epileptic morons. And that is the end. Nothing is explained.

Daddy Egbert's ding a ling

Just a small review today, on a piece of bizarre loveliness in the form of a Button Moon episode. I don't often watch Button Moon, what with my double career as head of the World Trade Organisation and top oven glove model. Nevertheless, I consider it my duty to occasionally spy on Mr Spoon and his menagerie of kitchen utensils. Sometimes there is a cow, I like cows. Sadly not in this episode. This episode centres around Daddy Egbert being thrown off the dole and being forced to GET A JOB!

The excitement begins with Mr Spoon and Spoon Junior talking to Daddy Egbert (hereafter referred to as D.E.) and normal Egbert about D.E.s new job as an ice cream man. D.E. is wearing a flat cap like a proper working man. Mummy Egbert is probably locked in the coal hole.

Then normal Egbert fannies on about liking ice cream or something, while Spoon Junior stands rigid, as if frozen by an evil curse. Apparently not, she was just bored.

Mrs Spoon is finally allowed out of the house, and announces that she has to stay at home today and lay the carpet in the spare bedroom. "No no, she definitely wants to" she insists, for the benefit of D.E. "It's definitely not because Mr Spoon is embarrassed by my strange afro."

The gang, with the exception of D.E., go up to space in a tin of beans. Because the children shouldn't be at school or anything like that. Perhaps it's like Armageddon, where the kids are brought up on some kind of weird space oil rig.

At this point I do wonder why we pay so much for research into interplanetary travel. Here we have a remarkably cheap prototype of a rocket that operates using ONE button. Anyway.

The tin of beans lands on Button Moon, where we encounter a teddy bear with the voice of a perverted farmer. He's being boring and trying to wake up his friend who is obviously dead inside the toybox. Blah blah blah, the friend's not dead, hooray, blah blah blah...

I've just remembered, this is the episode with the lion. It gets MUCH better.

The perverted farmer has bought his girlfriend a bloody doorbell, and she thinks it's a fitting return gift to invite him on safari. She obviously doesn't get many presents.

"I'm going to get the dumper truck" she cries, somewhat inexplicably.

Leaving the egg and spoon freaks behind, the pair drive into the safari park. Only then do they remember that they are supposed to be in a roofed vehicle, for their own safety. And now there is a scary lion growling at them from about three feet away. And it's one badass lion -

The pair understandably shit their pants, but are rescued in the nick of time by... that crappy doorbell. Why did they bring it with them to a safari park? "Oh we don't need a roof, fuck it, but you've got another thing coming if you think I'm idiot enough to set foot in there without some kind of device that lets me know I have a visitor." For god's sake.

Then the most amazing thing happens. Seriously, the most amazing television event that has ever taken place. Take my advice - arrange a night in, get some friends round,maybe some beers, and spend the night hitting the rewind button. You will never get tired of this, and your parties will be the stuff of legend for years to come. Are you ready?

The noise of the doorbell makes the lion fucking EXPLODE!!!!

I'm not entirely sure what else I can say about this episode, or in fact any show ever. It seems to me as if TV perfection has been achieved right here, and that to write anything further would be a pointless as pissing in my own pants. No matter, I will think of some crap to write about the now obviously anticlimactic ending. On we go.

There are some more animals, including a snail, which is a bit of a shit attraction at a safari park if you ask me.

Then we check in on Mr Spoon and his extended family, who are perving on people with a telephoto lens. Egbert spots his dad IN TROUBLE! His van has broken down, meaning he can't do the ice cream round after all! What Egbert didn't see was D.E. removing the fan belt from the engine in order to have an excuse to go home for the day.

"Luckily" for D.E., the gang fly down to help him, and suggest that he uses the tin of beans as a makeshift ice cream van. "Ah, but the chimes, no one will know I'm here without the chimes" replies D.E. No problem D.E., you can use the crappy lion exploding doorbell! Hooraay!

You can see D.E.visibly fuming as, instead of being allowed to go home with pay, he is now forced to drive his interfering neighbour's death trap around, all the time with people wondering why he keeps pressing that bloody doorbell.

The moral of this story, children, is never help anyone ever, because they don't fucking want your help, ok?