Willy Fog - Carry on up the Khyber in animal form

I've been asked to review Around the world with Willy Fog by up to half of my two readers. I know I used to watch it as a kid, but my memory of the show was very sketchy, so I did a little bit of research before I watched an entire episode. To this end, I visited the show's Wikipedia page, with startling results. Now, I might not remember minor details, but I do remember that it was animals in suits ripping off Jules Verne's idea. This, evidently, isn't obvious enough for the folks at Wikipedia, since there is an entire section of the article devoted to "Differences from the novel". Sorry, what? Excuse me, isn't the only difference that really matters the fact that in the show they are all giant animals in costumes? Somehow, this detail manages to slip through the net.

Anyway, the show itself is pretty self explanatory - Willy Fog, the protagonist, is travelling round the world in - yes, you guessed it - 80 days. All sorts of hilarity ensues. Maybe.

I decided to dive straight in with episode 19 - "The Stampede". Since I haven't seen the episodes leading up to this one, I'm going to give a rundown of what I think has probably happened so far-

Fog and his cronies are on the run from the law for unlawfully impersonating people (really badly, I might add), and have decided that, if they can stay out of the country for 80 days, then there is a loophole in the law that will turn them into non UK citizens, thus protecting them from the force of UK law. So far they've spent a week in Benidorm, but they didn't like the food, so they moved to Las Vegas and lost all their money, which is why they're now having to use public transport. I'm 99% sure I've got this synopsis exactly right.

So - here we go with Episode 19 - The Stampede -

I rather like the opening line of the song - "Fuck! I'm the one who made the bet!" Did he make a bet in the pub or something, and has only just remembered?

Also, Fuck is the only one whose singing you can understand. The others are all incoherent, which is hardly surprising since they're all FOREIGNERS!!!!!

Apart from that, nothing at all happens in this opening sequence, apart from "Around the world, around the world, world around the, the world around, around the world, world the around, around the world" x 3400. I'm not sorry when it finishes.

We start with some Etonian toffs playing billiards, and talking about Fog (the protagonist I assume, not the weather type). I almost switch off at this point, before they all turn into Boris Johnson. Luckily we soon cut to Fuck, I mean Fog, and the action. Oh, but before we do, there's a brilliant goat in a wheelchair called Lord Guinness. I wish the show had been about him instead.

Right. The actual storyline begins. They're all on a train. I'm sort of following this so far. The French one and the Italian one are entertaining the others with a song. Are we really expected to believe that this is them singing? They were squeaky animals with heavy European accents a minute ago, and now they've suddenly both turned into Donovan?

Anyway. It turns out they're in America somewhere, which is confirmed beyond all doubt when they meet an American bear in a top hat. Let me see. Fat? Check. Obnoxious? Check. Assumes everyone knows everything about America? Check. Yup, they've pretty much ticked all the boxes here. I bet his name is Wyatt Eagleburger.

I notice Willy Fuck hasn't actually done much yet, he just keeps chipping in occasionally, sounding a bit like James Mason.

I know these guys sat listening in to them, they're the police I think. I know this because A) I watched 5 minutes of another episode, and B) they're Cockney dogs. When Cockney dogs aren't playing snooker in paintings, they're upholding the law. Jus' the way it is.

The gang go off for dinner. God dammit, why does cartoon food always look so damn good? Anyway, the bear starts crapping on about some railway history, an I almost switch off again. Also, has that bear got a bottle of Jack Daniels all to himself?

A ha - some action! Oh wait no, it's just some cows crossing the road. Yawn. Oh wait, they might knock over the train! In fact, they're actually making a conscious effort to, with such malice in their eyes that I swear I won't feel guilty the next time I eat a steak. They estimate the stampede to last for the next 4 - 5 hours. using mathematics, I estimate that to be approximately 7.3 trillion buffalo.

Ooh, we finally get to see the baddie! Things should start to liven up a bit now! God i do hope so. So, the bad guy is trying to delay Willy Fuck's train. But why? For what purpose? OH, it's ok, it's all explained to us by a helpful narrator. I like that they feel the need to explain what he's doing there at all - probably because they know no one will remember anything from last week, as it's so ball-crushingly boring.

To make matters worse, it becomes clear that the show is also meant to be "educational". That explains why, approximately every 3 minutes, one of the characters pipes up with a lecture on the history of a mountain, or the composition of topsoil or something. if you want to educate kids, how about not telling them that the railway was invented by a bear?

And I'm only halfway through the episode. Kill me now. This show would be unbearable if it wasn't for that Italian animal thing jumping around and generally getting in everyone's faces.

But wait! An as yet unidentified baddie has sabotaged the bridge! Will they all die? probably not, otherwise this would be the last episode, and it wouldn't be called "The Stampede", it would be called "Cataclysmic Train Inferno". How I wish it had been.

Oh I see now, the random baddie is the bad fox wearing a mask. He truly is a master of disguise. It's confusing though. i mean, I'm having a hard time following this and I'm 27. Although, to be fair, I am also an idiot.

this is the first time in the episode that I am impressed with Willy Fuck. he just saunters over and announces that he's going to go and fix the bridge, just like that, and he's so bloody English about the whole thing - he's like "Oh yes, all we need to fix this bridge is TEA!" Also, who suddenly made him boss? Oh, that's right, bribes did. Of course.

Afterwards, he just saunters back up and announces that he's fixed the bridge. Why did they just take his word for it? Why wouldn't they even check?

It doesn't really matter though, because now it's a little bit exciting - will they manage to cross the bridge? I won't give the outcome away, but let's just say that afterwards, I was so excited I needed a wee. But here's a hint - yes they do cross the bridge.

Anyway, that's about it for this episode. we get a sneak preview of what's coming up in the next episode. Next week, they are attacked by Injuns! will I ever be able to cope without tuning in to find out what happens? Yes, I think it's safe to say I will.

A quick epilogue - I asked someone whether or not Willy fuck was gay, and he said -

"No, he's pounding the fuck out of the cat."

I'll leave you with that lovely thought.

Raggy Dolls - The Big Top

Good afternoon. Now that I am a happy little bonbon once again, I shall be turning out cartoon-related tripe with a lot more regularity.

Today's spouting is dedicated to The Raggy Dolls, a show that still manages to make me feel all warm and cosy, even as an adult (I use the word loosely). The Raggy Dolls was a series of cartoons about a gang of fucked up toys that go round the country having adventures, or something. Imagine the kind of toys that even Home Bargains would reject - that's these guys. Still, they teach us a valuable lesson about what's on the inside being more important than what's on the outside. They also teach us that, if you mangle your dolls beyond recognition, they will come back and fuck your shit up. Or maybe I just dreamed that last part.

Anyway, the show had a brilliant theme tune, sung by Neil Innes of "Urban Spaceman" fame. In it we are encouraged to "be like the Raggy Dolls, and not give a fuck about what people think of you". I like that message.

And now... THE BIG TOP!

When the episode begins, we're able to meet the whole gang in one go. They all have pretty obvious defects apart from Claude, the French doll, whose defect appears to be that he's French. Anyway, they're a pretty screwed up bunch as we can see, but they haven't been cast out of society altogether, not just yet anyway. They still have a home - the reject bin of the local factory. But I think it's a bit like living in a hostel - you have to be out of the place for most of the day, because their insurance doesn't cover you, or something. I think that's why the gang are all in the middle of a random field.

Incidentally, I once made my own version of a Raggy Doll -

Only problem is I think I ended up making her better than she was before, thus negating my original point.

So - back to the "action". Princess declares that it's fun looking at flowers, because flowers are different shapes. Christmas Day must be a riot in their house, I mean in their bin. Princess and Lucy then decide to make daisy chains, despite having no fingers. Meanwhile, Dotty is painting a picture of Sadsack, except Sadsack forgot to remove his butt plug before he left home, and is now awkwardly humping the ground as a result, like some sort of beige porn star.

Oh yeah, it's a thistle. Sure it is.

Claude, meanwhile, is stood around being all French.

Just then, the gang hear a stampede coming their way. At this point no one knows if it's some escaped cows, or whether a motorway is going to be built right over them. Sadly, it's neither. The noise scares Lucy so much that the narrator starts banging his spoon on the side of his coffee mug.

The noise the gang can hear is actually a circus, being transported by the swarthiest, dodgiest looking man in the world. Put it this way, you wouldn't leave your wallet or your daughter with him -

It's also a bit of a budget train - everyone else has to ride on top of the carriages. This is the LIDL of the travelling circus world.

An elephant appears out of nowhere and runs at the dolls. Claude exclaims "Quelle horreur!" which I think is French for "Oh holy fuck!" Sadsack comes to the conclusion that it must be an earthquake, despite looking right fucking at the fucking elephant.

Then three identical Grant Mitchell triplets kind of mince over to them. I think they might be holding hands as well.

"Quick, let's hide under what is obviously the circus tent; the circus people will never have any reason to go near this."

Predictably, the dolls end up stuck at the top of the, well, the big top. they look down and shit themselves/survey the view - cut to the most useless circus acts in the world getting some practise.

And a pink horse. The lions are pretty good though.

He's still banging that fucking spoon!

Suddenly, we are all expected to believe that Back-to-front (whose head is back to front, obviously), is adept at tightrope walking. Not only that, but adept at walking fucking backwards on a tightrope, while carrying his ladyfriends. None of the others do the sane, rational thing, which is to ignore him.

To everyone's surprise, he is actually marvelous at it. Showbiz let a gem slip through their fingers with him, I tell you.

While this is going on, we cut to a shot of the awesome lions again, just because.

Hi-Fi and Sadsack are getting sick of Back-to-front getting all the attention from the ladies, so they decide to do what any normal person would do - crash into him on a big fuck-off trapeze, sending them all hurtling to their deaths.

Also, instead of Back-to-front showing off, surely it would have been easier and quicker for everyone to go across on the trapeze? I mean, if that sack thing can do it, then everyone can.

Meanwhile, Claude is still stood there being French.

Anyway - oh no - the dolls are falling! It's fine though, they all have relatively soft landings, as opposed to all falling onto a bed of nails or something.

In the next scene I lose all the respect I previously had for the lions. This makes me quite sad. They had such promise. But I do gain a new found respect for Dotty, who turns out to be Chuck Norris or similar. While princess is sniveling "I think they're going to heat us up!" (does she mean 'eat'?), Dotty gets her Indiana Jones on and shows those lions who's boss. Only, while doing so she manages to sound like Chris Eubank, complete with a lisp that wasn't there before.

Meanwhile, Claude is still at the top of the tent, being French. To give him his credit, he does just stand around being all nonchalant and full of ennui at his predicament. I half expected him to start smoking a cigarette while singing a Jacques Brel song at this point.

Instead of just leaving the useless fuck there, the gang put a trampoline under him so he can jump. Claude cries "Viva la France!" before he jumps. By doing so, he automatically becomes my new favourite (secretly, he always was anyway).

The animals all applaud this feat, instead of just eating people and shitting on the floor like they usually do.

When the dolls finally get out of the tent, they are shocked beyond belief to see "a long line of people". Why? It's a circus, not an incinerator. Morons.

Sadsack closes the episode by making a joke, then telling the others about how he "made a joke", even though they were standing right next to him. The others just sort of stare at him for a bit, not really knowing what to say.

And then it ends. I think there was supposed to be some end credits here, but then maybe the animators just gave up at this point.

My favourite Zippy moments

I guess this is an overdue tribute to Roy Skelton, who sadly passed away back in June. Even now, after 20 plus years of watching Rainbow, I still can't get to grips with the fact that the the voice of this demented rugby head came from this classically trained, and rather posh actor. Not only that, but there is also something inherently wrong about other people trying to do Zippy's voice and mannerisms. Perhaps that's why the post-Skelton Rainbow was such a flop, who knows?

Considering much of the Rainbow script was improvised by the cast, it's clear that Roy was responsible for bringing Zippy to life with regards to more than just the voice. Every time I've watched Zippy, and then laughed so hard I've woken the neighbours up, I suspect I have had Roy to thank.

So here are my favourite clips of Zippy at his most...well...Zippyish.

#1. Zippy the quiet lion

#2. Zippy's ode to his friends

#3. Wakey wakey!

#4. Romeo Zippy

#5. Fuck off Bungle I'm asleep

#6. HELLO BABY!

#7. Henry the lionhorse

#8. Dadadadadadadadada....

#9. For goodness' sake Geoffrey

#10. Last but definitely not least - Zippy sings us out

Thank you for filling up the Zippy shaped void in my life, Mr Skelton.

Rainbow - Jack and Jill

This episode is loved by all fans of the overt innuendo in Rainbow, as well as those who admire Geoffrey's ability to keep a straight face while filming (something Rod could never do).

I present to you - part one of an episode of pure filth -

We begin with Geoffrey being overly jovial as usual. I don't like the way he says "you", it sounds a bit menacing somehow.

We are launched straight into the action with no messing about. Zippy counts everyone in like a true professional (because Geoffrey can't count yet). We then get to witness the gang's rendition of "Jack and Jill", although to some people it might sound more like this -

Zippy suggests that Geoffrey and Bungle might like to pretend to be Jack and Jill, "because George and I have no legs/don't get paid enough/have no legs because we don't get paid enough to be able to afford legs."

Bungle gets waaaaay too excited over the prospect of wearing a "pretty hat". his voice goes up a couple of octaves, and he starts playing with his own nipples. Why does he never just eat everyone like bears are supposed to?

Geoffrey then declares that he needs a hat too. Why? What for? Why does Jack need a hat? He doesn't, that's why. Come to think of it, Jill doesn't need a hat either. But you should never try to take a hat away from an overexcited and fully grown bear.

Jack does need a pail though, which George quite rightly points

out. Luckily, there just "happens" to be a bucket in the corner of the living room. What? You don't have a bucket in the corner of your living room? You arse.

Before a pail is located, we are treated to a minute of Zippy being pure awesomeness, and, I swear he quacks at 1:34, so that's an added bonus.

So, we have the hats, we have the pail, we're all ready to go! Aren't we? No, we are not. Did you spot the error?

NO HILL!

Shit.

Zippy, as the voice of reason, points out that there aren't any hills indoors. Maybe not yet Zippy, but just you wait. Anyway, what have you got against indoor hills? What are you, the hill police? And what about dry ski slopes? So there.

An extremely limp wristed Geoffrey points out that they can build a hill using some massive building blocks that just "happen" to be all over the bollocking floor. Zippy just wants them to get on with it, because he wants to get to the bit where Jack and Jill fall down the hill (the bit where he can watch Bungle laying on the floor in agony).

There follows the campest display of hill climbing, ever. Ever. Geoffrey is skipping.

So - verse 1! "Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill...well...Jill just kind of...squatted a bit." Maybe Bungle had just found his inner bear, and thought he was in the woods? After all, "There are no hills indoors."

Sadly not. it's just Bungle being a div again, and not knowing what a crown is. Geoffrey explains what it is, for the benefit of Bungle, and for the stupider children watching at home. Every time Geoffrey explains something, i love him a little bit and want him to be...not my dad, but maybe an uncle. But not a creepy "uncle".

Anyway - verse 1, take 2. "Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill...well...just kind of stood there in "her" hat, touting for business.

Turns out that Bungle doesn't know what "tumble" means. Well you should have thought of that before shouldn't you, you fat stupid man in a bear costume.

Zippy takes the piss out of Bungles ignorance, which can only mean one thing -

BUNGLE STROP!

After calm has been restored, we manage verse 1, take 3, and... success!

The gang manage one whole verse before they all need a lunch break, thanks to Bungle's constant fucking up of everything known to man.

To end part 1 we have a short animation from Cosgrove Hall, in which the real Jack and Jill appear from another dimension, line by line, to take revenge on Geoffrey and Bungle for soiling their good name.

Will the gang survive this interdimensional onslaught? Will Bungle sulk again? Find out in part 2! But yes, and probably.

PART 2!

Now pay attention here, because this is where you'll find the filth (and I don't mean the police).

We are finally ready to tackle verse 2, and listen at 0:11. Yes. What is it that she patches up? Excuse me, his what? Oh, I must have just misheard that. After all, "head" and "knob" sound exactly the same. Yes, that's what happened.

After the shocking and morally reprehensible verse 2 is finished, Bungle appears to have been possessed by a retarded Tellytubby.

Verse 2 in constantly interrupted by various people asking what every word means, except "knob". The audience is constantly teased with the prospect of Bungle saying "Geoffrey, what's a knob?" Sadly this never happens. What we actually get is a rather surreal moment, gicing us a brief glimpse of Bungle's world of mental illness -

"Zippy, am I still Jill?"

What.

Zippy's answer to this schizophrenic question causes Bungle to have another BUNGLE STROP! This one is so good, I listed it in my top 10 Bungle strop moments.

When Bungle has been placated, yet fucking again, we carry on with the action. I for one, have never heard of Dame Dobb, ever, and I am convinced that she was only invented so the crew could sing about a knob, thus corrupting the children of Britain. If I am anything to go by, it appears to have worked.

Finally, we get an explanation for all the knob references. Apparently, Jack's knob is Jack's head. Two questions arise here. One, Why did Geoffrey feel the need to point to his head when he said the word "head"? Was it in case the audience thought he was referring to the other "head" that men have? And two, why the fuck didn't they just do the normal version of Jack and Jill? then they could have just said "head", and all this nastiness would have been avoided.

Let me get this straight. Instead of just laying on the floor in preparation for verse 2 (where Jack is already injured), Geoffrey feels he has to climb up the hill again, and fall down again. Maybe he's a method actor. maybe he needed to really feel Jack, but not in that way.

And I tell you what else. I banged my head last night. it still hurts today, and if some bastard tried to sprinkle vinegar on my head I'd kick them in the face.

I knew it. I just knew it. We weren't going to get through this episode without hearing from Rod, Jane and Freddy, who just happen to know a song about every-fucking-thing, even cystitis (probably).

God but they're cool. Especially Rod. He's such a rockstar, with that big-ass drum kit. He wants to be Keith Moon.

On a side note, has anyone seen Jane recently? She looks exactly the same. The woman doesn't age. there's only one explanation for that, and that is that she's a vampire.

Back to the action! "Why did they go up the hill to fetch water?" Apparently they went to collect filthy rainwater in a bucket, completely ignoring the well that is usually at the top of the hill. they have distorted this rhyme beyond all recognition, and all for their own perverted ends.

Notice how Zippy has one last ditch attempt to keep things clean, but no. Geoffrey still insists on saying "knob".

They act out the entire fucking thing one more time, going into minute detail, of the level usually only found in a PhD thesis. Oh Christ. theyr'e going to do the whole thing AGAIN. Luckily we're saved when Geoffrey declares that "we've got to go you now you know". he bids us goodbye, but not before reminding us that all the boys must hurt their knobs.

Top 10 big gay Bungle strops

Good afternoon. I'm back after my short (long) break, with a post I've been wanting to do for ages, but haven't been able to due to lack of video editing software. When I say lack of, I just mean that I never knew I actually had some all along. Whoops.

Anyway. It's generally agreed by all that Zippy is the diva of the Rainbow house - smashing things up and singing at the top of his voice if he doesn't get his own way. However, I would like to debunk this myth today. When it comes to being queen bee in the 'bow house, I would like to make the case for Bungle being related, by birth, to Mariah Carey. If you read this and still disagree with me, well... I guess you just can't see the bear in the room.

Without further ado I would like to present, in no particular order, the 10 greatest examples of Bungle's meltdowns and whinge binges. Credit to Lisaglitters for the original episodes, although I'm 99% sure it was me who sold her the videos on Amazon in the first place. let's be honest, just how many hardened Rainbow fans are there likely to be in the world? Anyway, ta LG

#1. Bungle objects to being forced into cross-dressing

#2. Artistic differences with Zippy

#3. Bungle's bothered bottom

#4. Bungle failing to grasp how menacing he doesn't look in that hat

#5. "PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE MY TOWEL!"

#6. Bungle practising being a mute. And a dick.

#7. Bungle's bothered bladder

#8. Bungle's massive wad needs room

#9. "They're laughing at me!" Come on Bungle, why would they do that?

#10. The granddaddy of them all - Bungle goes into meltdown

And there we have it - all hail king Bungle!