Willy Fog - Carry on up the Khyber in animal form

I've been asked to review Around the world with Willy Fog by up to half of my two readers. I know I used to watch it as a kid, but my memory of the show was very sketchy, so I did a little bit of research before I watched an entire episode. To this end, I visited the show's Wikipedia page, with startling results. Now, I might not remember minor details, but I do remember that it was animals in suits ripping off Jules Verne's idea. This, evidently, isn't obvious enough for the folks at Wikipedia, since there is an entire section of the article devoted to "Differences from the novel". Sorry, what? Excuse me, isn't the only difference that really matters the fact that in the show they are all giant animals in costumes? Somehow, this detail manages to slip through the net.

Anyway, the show itself is pretty self explanatory - Willy Fog, the protagonist, is travelling round the world in - yes, you guessed it - 80 days. All sorts of hilarity ensues. Maybe.

I decided to dive straight in with episode 19 - "The Stampede". Since I haven't seen the episodes leading up to this one, I'm going to give a rundown of what I think has probably happened so far-

Fog and his cronies are on the run from the law for unlawfully impersonating people (really badly, I might add), and have decided that, if they can stay out of the country for 80 days, then there is a loophole in the law that will turn them into non UK citizens, thus protecting them from the force of UK law. So far they've spent a week in Benidorm, but they didn't like the food, so they moved to Las Vegas and lost all their money, which is why they're now having to use public transport. I'm 99% sure I've got this synopsis exactly right.

So - here we go with Episode 19 - The Stampede -

I rather like the opening line of the song - "Fuck! I'm the one who made the bet!" Did he make a bet in the pub or something, and has only just remembered?

Also, Fuck is the only one whose singing you can understand. The others are all incoherent, which is hardly surprising since they're all FOREIGNERS!!!!!

Apart from that, nothing at all happens in this opening sequence, apart from "Around the world, around the world, world around the, the world around, around the world, world the around, around the world" x 3400. I'm not sorry when it finishes.

We start with some Etonian toffs playing billiards, and talking about Fog (the protagonist I assume, not the weather type). I almost switch off at this point, before they all turn into Boris Johnson. Luckily we soon cut to Fuck, I mean Fog, and the action. Oh, but before we do, there's a brilliant goat in a wheelchair called Lord Guinness. I wish the show had been about him instead.

Right. The actual storyline begins. They're all on a train. I'm sort of following this so far. The French one and the Italian one are entertaining the others with a song. Are we really expected to believe that this is them singing? They were squeaky animals with heavy European accents a minute ago, and now they've suddenly both turned into Donovan?

Anyway. It turns out they're in America somewhere, which is confirmed beyond all doubt when they meet an American bear in a top hat. Let me see. Fat? Check. Obnoxious? Check. Assumes everyone knows everything about America? Check. Yup, they've pretty much ticked all the boxes here. I bet his name is Wyatt Eagleburger.

I notice Willy Fuck hasn't actually done much yet, he just keeps chipping in occasionally, sounding a bit like James Mason.

I know these guys sat listening in to them, they're the police I think. I know this because A) I watched 5 minutes of another episode, and B) they're Cockney dogs. When Cockney dogs aren't playing snooker in paintings, they're upholding the law. Jus' the way it is.

The gang go off for dinner. God dammit, why does cartoon food always look so damn good? Anyway, the bear starts crapping on about some railway history, an I almost switch off again. Also, has that bear got a bottle of Jack Daniels all to himself?

A ha - some action! Oh wait no, it's just some cows crossing the road. Yawn. Oh wait, they might knock over the train! In fact, they're actually making a conscious effort to, with such malice in their eyes that I swear I won't feel guilty the next time I eat a steak. They estimate the stampede to last for the next 4 - 5 hours. using mathematics, I estimate that to be approximately 7.3 trillion buffalo.

Ooh, we finally get to see the baddie! Things should start to liven up a bit now! God i do hope so. So, the bad guy is trying to delay Willy Fuck's train. But why? For what purpose? OH, it's ok, it's all explained to us by a helpful narrator. I like that they feel the need to explain what he's doing there at all - probably because they know no one will remember anything from last week, as it's so ball-crushingly boring.

To make matters worse, it becomes clear that the show is also meant to be "educational". That explains why, approximately every 3 minutes, one of the characters pipes up with a lecture on the history of a mountain, or the composition of topsoil or something. if you want to educate kids, how about not telling them that the railway was invented by a bear?

And I'm only halfway through the episode. Kill me now. This show would be unbearable if it wasn't for that Italian animal thing jumping around and generally getting in everyone's faces.

But wait! An as yet unidentified baddie has sabotaged the bridge! Will they all die? probably not, otherwise this would be the last episode, and it wouldn't be called "The Stampede", it would be called "Cataclysmic Train Inferno". How I wish it had been.

Oh I see now, the random baddie is the bad fox wearing a mask. He truly is a master of disguise. It's confusing though. i mean, I'm having a hard time following this and I'm 27. Although, to be fair, I am also an idiot.

this is the first time in the episode that I am impressed with Willy Fuck. he just saunters over and announces that he's going to go and fix the bridge, just like that, and he's so bloody English about the whole thing - he's like "Oh yes, all we need to fix this bridge is TEA!" Also, who suddenly made him boss? Oh, that's right, bribes did. Of course.

Afterwards, he just saunters back up and announces that he's fixed the bridge. Why did they just take his word for it? Why wouldn't they even check?

It doesn't really matter though, because now it's a little bit exciting - will they manage to cross the bridge? I won't give the outcome away, but let's just say that afterwards, I was so excited I needed a wee. But here's a hint - yes they do cross the bridge.

Anyway, that's about it for this episode. we get a sneak preview of what's coming up in the next episode. Next week, they are attacked by Injuns! will I ever be able to cope without tuning in to find out what happens? Yes, I think it's safe to say I will.

A quick epilogue - I asked someone whether or not Willy fuck was gay, and he said -

"No, he's pounding the fuck out of the cat."

I'll leave you with that lovely thought.

Raggy Dolls - The Big Top

Good afternoon. Now that I am a happy little bonbon once again, I shall be turning out cartoon-related tripe with a lot more regularity.

Today's spouting is dedicated to The Raggy Dolls, a show that still manages to make me feel all warm and cosy, even as an adult (I use the word loosely). The Raggy Dolls was a series of cartoons about a gang of fucked up toys that go round the country having adventures, or something. Imagine the kind of toys that even Home Bargains would reject - that's these guys. Still, they teach us a valuable lesson about what's on the inside being more important than what's on the outside. They also teach us that, if you mangle your dolls beyond recognition, they will come back and fuck your shit up. Or maybe I just dreamed that last part.

Anyway, the show had a brilliant theme tune, sung by Neil Innes of "Urban Spaceman" fame. In it we are encouraged to "be like the Raggy Dolls, and not give a fuck about what people think of you". I like that message.

And now... THE BIG TOP!

When the episode begins, we're able to meet the whole gang in one go. They all have pretty obvious defects apart from Claude, the French doll, whose defect appears to be that he's French. Anyway, they're a pretty screwed up bunch as we can see, but they haven't been cast out of society altogether, not just yet anyway. They still have a home - the reject bin of the local factory. But I think it's a bit like living in a hostel - you have to be out of the place for most of the day, because their insurance doesn't cover you, or something. I think that's why the gang are all in the middle of a random field.

Incidentally, I once made my own version of a Raggy Doll -

Only problem is I think I ended up making her better than she was before, thus negating my original point.

So - back to the "action". Princess declares that it's fun looking at flowers, because flowers are different shapes. Christmas Day must be a riot in their house, I mean in their bin. Princess and Lucy then decide to make daisy chains, despite having no fingers. Meanwhile, Dotty is painting a picture of Sadsack, except Sadsack forgot to remove his butt plug before he left home, and is now awkwardly humping the ground as a result, like some sort of beige porn star.

Oh yeah, it's a thistle. Sure it is.

Claude, meanwhile, is stood around being all French.

Just then, the gang hear a stampede coming their way. At this point no one knows if it's some escaped cows, or whether a motorway is going to be built right over them. Sadly, it's neither. The noise scares Lucy so much that the narrator starts banging his spoon on the side of his coffee mug.

The noise the gang can hear is actually a circus, being transported by the swarthiest, dodgiest looking man in the world. Put it this way, you wouldn't leave your wallet or your daughter with him -

It's also a bit of a budget train - everyone else has to ride on top of the carriages. This is the LIDL of the travelling circus world.

An elephant appears out of nowhere and runs at the dolls. Claude exclaims "Quelle horreur!" which I think is French for "Oh holy fuck!" Sadsack comes to the conclusion that it must be an earthquake, despite looking right fucking at the fucking elephant.

Then three identical Grant Mitchell triplets kind of mince over to them. I think they might be holding hands as well.

"Quick, let's hide under what is obviously the circus tent; the circus people will never have any reason to go near this."

Predictably, the dolls end up stuck at the top of the, well, the big top. they look down and shit themselves/survey the view - cut to the most useless circus acts in the world getting some practise.

And a pink horse. The lions are pretty good though.

He's still banging that fucking spoon!

Suddenly, we are all expected to believe that Back-to-front (whose head is back to front, obviously), is adept at tightrope walking. Not only that, but adept at walking fucking backwards on a tightrope, while carrying his ladyfriends. None of the others do the sane, rational thing, which is to ignore him.

To everyone's surprise, he is actually marvelous at it. Showbiz let a gem slip through their fingers with him, I tell you.

While this is going on, we cut to a shot of the awesome lions again, just because.

Hi-Fi and Sadsack are getting sick of Back-to-front getting all the attention from the ladies, so they decide to do what any normal person would do - crash into him on a big fuck-off trapeze, sending them all hurtling to their deaths.

Also, instead of Back-to-front showing off, surely it would have been easier and quicker for everyone to go across on the trapeze? I mean, if that sack thing can do it, then everyone can.

Meanwhile, Claude is still stood there being French.

Anyway - oh no - the dolls are falling! It's fine though, they all have relatively soft landings, as opposed to all falling onto a bed of nails or something.

In the next scene I lose all the respect I previously had for the lions. This makes me quite sad. They had such promise. But I do gain a new found respect for Dotty, who turns out to be Chuck Norris or similar. While princess is sniveling "I think they're going to heat us up!" (does she mean 'eat'?), Dotty gets her Indiana Jones on and shows those lions who's boss. Only, while doing so she manages to sound like Chris Eubank, complete with a lisp that wasn't there before.

Meanwhile, Claude is still at the top of the tent, being French. To give him his credit, he does just stand around being all nonchalant and full of ennui at his predicament. I half expected him to start smoking a cigarette while singing a Jacques Brel song at this point.

Instead of just leaving the useless fuck there, the gang put a trampoline under him so he can jump. Claude cries "Viva la France!" before he jumps. By doing so, he automatically becomes my new favourite (secretly, he always was anyway).

The animals all applaud this feat, instead of just eating people and shitting on the floor like they usually do.

When the dolls finally get out of the tent, they are shocked beyond belief to see "a long line of people". Why? It's a circus, not an incinerator. Morons.

Sadsack closes the episode by making a joke, then telling the others about how he "made a joke", even though they were standing right next to him. The others just sort of stare at him for a bit, not really knowing what to say.

And then it ends. I think there was supposed to be some end credits here, but then maybe the animators just gave up at this point.

My favourite Zippy moments

I guess this is an overdue tribute to Roy Skelton, who sadly passed away back in June. Even now, after 20 plus years of watching Rainbow, I still can't get to grips with the fact that the the voice of this demented rugby head came from this classically trained, and rather posh actor. Not only that, but there is also something inherently wrong about other people trying to do Zippy's voice and mannerisms. Perhaps that's why the post-Skelton Rainbow was such a flop, who knows?

Considering much of the Rainbow script was improvised by the cast, it's clear that Roy was responsible for bringing Zippy to life with regards to more than just the voice. Every time I've watched Zippy, and then laughed so hard I've woken the neighbours up, I suspect I have had Roy to thank.

So here are my favourite clips of Zippy at his most...well...Zippyish.

#1. Zippy the quiet lion

#2. Zippy's ode to his friends

#3. Wakey wakey!

#4. Romeo Zippy

#5. Fuck off Bungle I'm asleep

#6. HELLO BABY!

#7. Henry the lionhorse

#8. Dadadadadadadadada....

#9. For goodness' sake Geoffrey

#10. Last but definitely not least - Zippy sings us out

Thank you for filling up the Zippy shaped void in my life, Mr Skelton.

Rainbow - Jack and Jill

This episode is loved by all fans of the overt innuendo in Rainbow, as well as those who admire Geoffrey's ability to keep a straight face while filming (something Rod could never do).

I present to you - part one of an episode of pure filth -

We begin with Geoffrey being overly jovial as usual. I don't like the way he says "you", it sounds a bit menacing somehow.

We are launched straight into the action with no messing about. Zippy counts everyone in like a true professional (because Geoffrey can't count yet). We then get to witness the gang's rendition of "Jack and Jill", although to some people it might sound more like this -

Zippy suggests that Geoffrey and Bungle might like to pretend to be Jack and Jill, "because George and I have no legs/don't get paid enough/have no legs because we don't get paid enough to be able to afford legs."

Bungle gets waaaaay too excited over the prospect of wearing a "pretty hat". his voice goes up a couple of octaves, and he starts playing with his own nipples. Why does he never just eat everyone like bears are supposed to?

Geoffrey then declares that he needs a hat too. Why? What for? Why does Jack need a hat? He doesn't, that's why. Come to think of it, Jill doesn't need a hat either. But you should never try to take a hat away from an overexcited and fully grown bear.

Jack does need a pail though, which George quite rightly points

out. Luckily, there just "happens" to be a bucket in the corner of the living room. What? You don't have a bucket in the corner of your living room? You arse.

Before a pail is located, we are treated to a minute of Zippy being pure awesomeness, and, I swear he quacks at 1:34, so that's an added bonus.

So, we have the hats, we have the pail, we're all ready to go! Aren't we? No, we are not. Did you spot the error?

NO HILL!

Shit.

Zippy, as the voice of reason, points out that there aren't any hills indoors. Maybe not yet Zippy, but just you wait. Anyway, what have you got against indoor hills? What are you, the hill police? And what about dry ski slopes? So there.

An extremely limp wristed Geoffrey points out that they can build a hill using some massive building blocks that just "happen" to be all over the bollocking floor. Zippy just wants them to get on with it, because he wants to get to the bit where Jack and Jill fall down the hill (the bit where he can watch Bungle laying on the floor in agony).

There follows the campest display of hill climbing, ever. Ever. Geoffrey is skipping.

So - verse 1! "Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill...well...Jill just kind of...squatted a bit." Maybe Bungle had just found his inner bear, and thought he was in the woods? After all, "There are no hills indoors."

Sadly not. it's just Bungle being a div again, and not knowing what a crown is. Geoffrey explains what it is, for the benefit of Bungle, and for the stupider children watching at home. Every time Geoffrey explains something, i love him a little bit and want him to be...not my dad, but maybe an uncle. But not a creepy "uncle".

Anyway - verse 1, take 2. "Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill...well...just kind of stood there in "her" hat, touting for business.

Turns out that Bungle doesn't know what "tumble" means. Well you should have thought of that before shouldn't you, you fat stupid man in a bear costume.

Zippy takes the piss out of Bungles ignorance, which can only mean one thing -

BUNGLE STROP!

After calm has been restored, we manage verse 1, take 3, and... success!

The gang manage one whole verse before they all need a lunch break, thanks to Bungle's constant fucking up of everything known to man.

To end part 1 we have a short animation from Cosgrove Hall, in which the real Jack and Jill appear from another dimension, line by line, to take revenge on Geoffrey and Bungle for soiling their good name.

Will the gang survive this interdimensional onslaught? Will Bungle sulk again? Find out in part 2! But yes, and probably.

PART 2!

Now pay attention here, because this is where you'll find the filth (and I don't mean the police).

We are finally ready to tackle verse 2, and listen at 0:11. Yes. What is it that she patches up? Excuse me, his what? Oh, I must have just misheard that. After all, "head" and "knob" sound exactly the same. Yes, that's what happened.

After the shocking and morally reprehensible verse 2 is finished, Bungle appears to have been possessed by a retarded Tellytubby.

Verse 2 in constantly interrupted by various people asking what every word means, except "knob". The audience is constantly teased with the prospect of Bungle saying "Geoffrey, what's a knob?" Sadly this never happens. What we actually get is a rather surreal moment, gicing us a brief glimpse of Bungle's world of mental illness -

"Zippy, am I still Jill?"

What.

Zippy's answer to this schizophrenic question causes Bungle to have another BUNGLE STROP! This one is so good, I listed it in my top 10 Bungle strop moments.

When Bungle has been placated, yet fucking again, we carry on with the action. I for one, have never heard of Dame Dobb, ever, and I am convinced that she was only invented so the crew could sing about a knob, thus corrupting the children of Britain. If I am anything to go by, it appears to have worked.

Finally, we get an explanation for all the knob references. Apparently, Jack's knob is Jack's head. Two questions arise here. One, Why did Geoffrey feel the need to point to his head when he said the word "head"? Was it in case the audience thought he was referring to the other "head" that men have? And two, why the fuck didn't they just do the normal version of Jack and Jill? then they could have just said "head", and all this nastiness would have been avoided.

Let me get this straight. Instead of just laying on the floor in preparation for verse 2 (where Jack is already injured), Geoffrey feels he has to climb up the hill again, and fall down again. Maybe he's a method actor. maybe he needed to really feel Jack, but not in that way.

And I tell you what else. I banged my head last night. it still hurts today, and if some bastard tried to sprinkle vinegar on my head I'd kick them in the face.

I knew it. I just knew it. We weren't going to get through this episode without hearing from Rod, Jane and Freddy, who just happen to know a song about every-fucking-thing, even cystitis (probably).

God but they're cool. Especially Rod. He's such a rockstar, with that big-ass drum kit. He wants to be Keith Moon.

On a side note, has anyone seen Jane recently? She looks exactly the same. The woman doesn't age. there's only one explanation for that, and that is that she's a vampire.

Back to the action! "Why did they go up the hill to fetch water?" Apparently they went to collect filthy rainwater in a bucket, completely ignoring the well that is usually at the top of the hill. they have distorted this rhyme beyond all recognition, and all for their own perverted ends.

Notice how Zippy has one last ditch attempt to keep things clean, but no. Geoffrey still insists on saying "knob".

They act out the entire fucking thing one more time, going into minute detail, of the level usually only found in a PhD thesis. Oh Christ. theyr'e going to do the whole thing AGAIN. Luckily we're saved when Geoffrey declares that "we've got to go you now you know". he bids us goodbye, but not before reminding us that all the boys must hurt their knobs.

Top 10 big gay Bungle strops

Good afternoon. I'm back after my short (long) break, with a post I've been wanting to do for ages, but haven't been able to due to lack of video editing software. When I say lack of, I just mean that I never knew I actually had some all along. Whoops.

Anyway. It's generally agreed by all that Zippy is the diva of the Rainbow house - smashing things up and singing at the top of his voice if he doesn't get his own way. However, I would like to debunk this myth today. When it comes to being queen bee in the 'bow house, I would like to make the case for Bungle being related, by birth, to Mariah Carey. If you read this and still disagree with me, well... I guess you just can't see the bear in the room.

Without further ado I would like to present, in no particular order, the 10 greatest examples of Bungle's meltdowns and whinge binges. Credit to Lisaglitters for the original episodes, although I'm 99% sure it was me who sold her the videos on Amazon in the first place. let's be honest, just how many hardened Rainbow fans are there likely to be in the world? Anyway, ta LG

#1. Bungle objects to being forced into cross-dressing

#2. Artistic differences with Zippy

#3. Bungle's bothered bottom

#4. Bungle failing to grasp how menacing he doesn't look in that hat

#5. "PLEASE DO NOT REMOVE MY TOWEL!"

#6. Bungle practising being a mute. And a dick.

#7. Bungle's bothered bladder

#8. Bungle's massive wad needs room

#9. "They're laughing at me!" Come on Bungle, why would they do that?

#10. The granddaddy of them all - Bungle goes into meltdown

And there we have it - all hail king Bungle!

Update

Sorry guys, not been writing much of anything recently due to my boyfriend screwing me over and me being able to ingest nothing but alcohol as a result. Will be back up and running soon.

Penny's wanky pencil of happiness

Hey groovy gang, today I'm writing about a show often overlooked by those in Nothing Better To Do Land - short lived cartoon series Penny Crayon. Aired for only 12 episodes between '89 and '90, and voiced by "comedian" Su Pollard, I guarantee you it has the catchiest theme song ever. Watch this intro at your peril - you will be singing it for weeks afterwards -

Pollard seems to have the most inappropriate voice for a cartoon small girl ever, that of a raspy woman on a hen night after nine Bacardi Breezers and a packet of fags. She sounds particularly excited and horny in this episode, entitled "Silly Daydream". At least, that's what I think it's called, the title appears in some kind of strange ancient Greek font, making it read more like "Silky Dakorium".

We start with Hen Night Pollard declaring that Greek mythology is shit, despite the protests of her useless friend Dennis, who has the oddest voice in the world. it is how I imagine a carrot would talk if that were possible.

Since the class has been left alone while the teacher goes for a quick cigarette in the toilets, Hen Night decides to graffiti on her desk. Way to go teaching responsible behaviour to kids there. Mind you, kids obviously didn't take any notice of this show; they weren't fooled into thinking that the drawings would magically become real, otherwise buildings today would be covered in scribbles of Xboxes and crack.

Anyway, Hen Night draws a terrible version of the white rabbit from Alice In Wonderland. It fucks off, inviting the pair to join him, and we disappear down the rabbit's hole.

We magically arrive at a copyright infringement of the Mad Hatter's tea party. the Mad Hatter mistakes Hen Night for Alice, and hilarity ensues. Apparently.

Hen Night drinks some more Bacardi Breezer and instantly becomes about 100 ft tall. Inexplicably, she then decides it's a good idea to wander into the sea, where she encounters a ginger Poseidon, possibly a Scottish Poseidon. He throws a paddy when Hen Night, rather unwisely, repeats her earlier opinion that "Greek mythology is shit".

Scottish Poseidon shrinks her back down to normal size in the hope that she will then drown. Good. It's a close call, but sadly she is rescued by a homosexual dolphin and his trainer.

The three of them ride to Corinth, at which point I am beginning to wonder what the fuck Alice in Wonderland had to do with anything? Wasn't there a simpler way to transport Hen Night back to ancient Greece without copyright infringement?

The homosexual dolphin trainer offers Hen Night a job as a lap dancer, which she politely declines before getting the fuck out of there. Next she needs to draw some kind of transport to get her back to the tea party. Might I suggest an interdimentional portal? Or LSD?

In the end she plumps for a sodding horse, when she could just as easily have drawn a jet propelled car. A men in a leotard turns up, claiming to be called Clive or something, and asks if she can add wings to the horse, then he will steal it. I've read some Greek mythology, and I'm pretty sure that the Pegasus story didn't involve Su Pollard.

Clive is supposed to defeat some lion-goat thing, but instead of going to find a real one, the lazy fuck decides it will count if he just rubs out a drawing of one. Unbelievably, the rest of the kingdom accept this foolishness and declare Clive to be a hero, when all he did was throw some water about.

In a plot with more holes than a fishing net, Hen Night then chases the crappy rabbit back to the tea party where Carrot Voice is asleep, thanks to the Diazepam in his tea.

The pair make their excuses and leave back up the rabbit's hole, which looks too much like a diagram of an anal passage for my liking.

They arrive back in the classroom just as the teacher returns from his cigarette break. He has the same hair as Scottish Poseidon. Could it be? We'll never know.

Teacher/Poseidon sees that Hen Night and Carrot Voice haven't written a damn word, so declares they're not allowed any food for the rest of their lives, or until they write their stupid essays. He warns them that they might "miss their tea", at which Hen Night and Carrot Voice begin to laugh like epileptic morons. And that is the end. Nothing is explained.

Daddy Egbert's ding a ling

Just a small review today, on a piece of bizarre loveliness in the form of a Button Moon episode. I don't often watch Button Moon, what with my double career as head of the World Trade Organisation and top oven glove model. Nevertheless, I consider it my duty to occasionally spy on Mr Spoon and his menagerie of kitchen utensils. Sometimes there is a cow, I like cows. Sadly not in this episode. This episode centres around Daddy Egbert being thrown off the dole and being forced to GET A JOB!

The excitement begins with Mr Spoon and Spoon Junior talking to Daddy Egbert (hereafter referred to as D.E.) and normal Egbert about D.E.s new job as an ice cream man. D.E. is wearing a flat cap like a proper working man. Mummy Egbert is probably locked in the coal hole.

Then normal Egbert fannies on about liking ice cream or something, while Spoon Junior stands rigid, as if frozen by an evil curse. Apparently not, she was just bored.

Mrs Spoon is finally allowed out of the house, and announces that she has to stay at home today and lay the carpet in the spare bedroom. "No no, she definitely wants to" she insists, for the benefit of D.E. "It's definitely not because Mr Spoon is embarrassed by my strange afro."

The gang, with the exception of D.E., go up to space in a tin of beans. Because the children shouldn't be at school or anything like that. Perhaps it's like Armageddon, where the kids are brought up on some kind of weird space oil rig.

At this point I do wonder why we pay so much for research into interplanetary travel. Here we have a remarkably cheap prototype of a rocket that operates using ONE button. Anyway.

The tin of beans lands on Button Moon, where we encounter a teddy bear with the voice of a perverted farmer. He's being boring and trying to wake up his friend who is obviously dead inside the toybox. Blah blah blah, the friend's not dead, hooray, blah blah blah...

I've just remembered, this is the episode with the lion. It gets MUCH better.

The perverted farmer has bought his girlfriend a bloody doorbell, and she thinks it's a fitting return gift to invite him on safari. She obviously doesn't get many presents.

"I'm going to get the dumper truck" she cries, somewhat inexplicably.

Leaving the egg and spoon freaks behind, the pair drive into the safari park. Only then do they remember that they are supposed to be in a roofed vehicle, for their own safety. And now there is a scary lion growling at them from about three feet away. And it's one badass lion -

The pair understandably shit their pants, but are rescued in the nick of time by... that crappy doorbell. Why did they bring it with them to a safari park? "Oh we don't need a roof, fuck it, but you've got another thing coming if you think I'm idiot enough to set foot in there without some kind of device that lets me know I have a visitor." For god's sake.

Then the most amazing thing happens. Seriously, the most amazing television event that has ever taken place. Take my advice - arrange a night in, get some friends round,maybe some beers, and spend the night hitting the rewind button. You will never get tired of this, and your parties will be the stuff of legend for years to come. Are you ready?

The noise of the doorbell makes the lion fucking EXPLODE!!!!

I'm not entirely sure what else I can say about this episode, or in fact any show ever. It seems to me as if TV perfection has been achieved right here, and that to write anything further would be a pointless as pissing in my own pants. No matter, I will think of some crap to write about the now obviously anticlimactic ending. On we go.

There are some more animals, including a snail, which is a bit of a shit attraction at a safari park if you ask me.

Then we check in on Mr Spoon and his extended family, who are perving on people with a telephoto lens. Egbert spots his dad IN TROUBLE! His van has broken down, meaning he can't do the ice cream round after all! What Egbert didn't see was D.E. removing the fan belt from the engine in order to have an excuse to go home for the day.

"Luckily" for D.E., the gang fly down to help him, and suggest that he uses the tin of beans as a makeshift ice cream van. "Ah, but the chimes, no one will know I'm here without the chimes" replies D.E. No problem D.E., you can use the crappy lion exploding doorbell! Hooraay!

You can see D.E.visibly fuming as, instead of being allowed to go home with pay, he is now forced to drive his interfering neighbour's death trap around, all the time with people wondering why he keeps pressing that bloody doorbell.

The moral of this story, children, is never help anyone ever, because they don't fucking want your help, ok?

Getting your own way can sometimes suck

This episode is entitled "Getting your own way", which is a fine skill to teach the children at home. Presumably, if the show is ever revived, titles will have to be updated to things like "Hiding your stash". BUT, the twist here is that the story will show us how it isn't always good to get your own way! Aaaaahhhh! Bet you never saw that one coming! Those crafty folk in Rainbowtown.

Part one - the quest begins

The show opens with Zippy finishing a surprisingly good collage. At least, it's good when you compare it to previous collage efforts of the rainbow house -to previous collage efforts of the rai

With his creative lust satisfied, Zippy, who can't be unoccupied for more than eight seconds, begins to pester George and Bungle for an as yet unspecified "game". Hmm.
George, being an honorary woman, suggests Happy Families, but the more virile Zippy suggests Snakes And Ladders. At the climax of the debate, Zippy is about to give George a backhander for sassing him, but ultimately thinks better of it. Bungle, not appearing to swing either way (at least in terms of games), obviously has the final say. Zippy and George both attempt to curry favour by using that well known tactic - "behave like a dirty old man in the park".

Zippy - "I'll let you have a lick of my lollipop if we play snakes and ladders"

George - "would you like a sweetie Bungle?"

Bungle looks perturbed by all this, but not distressed enough to not be a sweetie whore, and the majority decides on Happy Families. Zippy, sensing defeat, puts down his obviously wooden lollipop. Enter Geoffrey looking very suave, and carrying a newspaper which he proceeds to place over a suspicious part of his anatomy. Really Geoffrey, I knew Jane gave you the horn, but George? You disappoint me.

Zippy manages to wangle a game of Snakes And Ladders after all, by sucking up to Geoffrey and telling him how good the S&L game he bought was, and "how much longer the snakes were". He prompts Bungle to agree and Bungle, obviously scared of getting no dinner from Geoffrey yet again, agrees that it's the best game known to man. Geoffrey agrees that they should play Snakes And Ladders, and when George protests, Zippy gives him a real backhander. Well, sort of, actually it's the most foppish backhander I've ever seen.

All the time this is going on, Bungle is inexplicably sorting through the Happy Families cards for no apparent reason, I suspect out of awkwardness, or perhaps a lack of scripted lines. This is interrupted by Geoffrey's order to "come on Bungle, get it out".

There follows a short Cosgrove Hall animation, featuring a boy with anger issues, and a girl with fat arms and a squeaky neck.

Cut back to the action. The gang are now playing the long awaited Snakes And Ladders game. Zippy lands on the biggest snake, and has to go all the way back to the start. Bungle, being socially inept, can't help pointing this out to Zippy and laughing. Go on Zippy, staple his buttocks to the chair, you know you want to.

Bungle throws a four, but he's crafty and picks the dice up before anyone else can see it, so for all we know he threw a one. Cheating bollock face.

After losing, Zippy insists that Happy Families is better. Everyone groans "Oh Zippy!" in unison, including Geoffrey, who wasn't even in the room when Zippy expressed his hatred for Happy Families.

Part two - the hero's journey

We now join the trio in a game of Happy Families, and we see why Zippy thinks it's so shit. However, this is merely the calm before the storm. Things really hot up when Rod, Jane and Freddy arrive, apparently from the kitchen. Rod and Freddy, being men (mostly), want to watch the football with Geoffrey. Jane meanwhile, being a woman, wants to watch a cookery show. On Geoffrey's TV. When cold hearted Geoffrey denies Jane this harmless request, she simply states "Fine, I'll go watch it on my own TV then!" Um, ok then, groovy.

Geoffrey kicks Bungle, George and Zippy out of the house while he, Rod and Freddy all try their hardest to be alpha males for the afternoon, bless. Note Geoffrey's enthusiastic "come on the lads", while waving his crotch at the TV. Apart from that they're boring, so we head to the garden to find Bungle George and Zippy being equally boring. And a hobby horse dies.

Suddenly, Nurse Gladys Emmanuel appears in the garden. I nearly stopped this review here since this was such an awesome turn of events that will never be surpassed. But I know you're all dying to find out what happens.

Nurse Gladys Emmanuel reads a story about a bossy cat, which teaches you that sometimes you should humour mice, or something.

The alpha males come outside, lamenting that their team is utter fucking shite (I'm paraphrasing). And what's worse, they've missed the story! Three men in their late 30s have missed the story.

Jane turns up, having carried a tray of drinks right from her house, which might very well be in Manchester, I don't know.

And then a rather abrupt ending, possibly so the alpha males don't have to carry on admitting being wrong wrong wrong. Yeah Geoffrey, if you're caught out, just end the show, you coward.

Author's note - it should be pointed out that, although I am always spewing hate at Geoffrey, he is in fact my hero. It is the law that Geoffrey is seen as brilliant by all.

Deck the halls with balls n stuff

Since it's November, and therefore apparently Christmas, I figured I'd start off by writing about the undisputed champion of festive Rainbow episodes - "Wrapping and unwrapping". I once made my parents watch this episode 11 times in a row - their own silly fault for buying me the video.

Quick bit of background for those who have never seen this gem of a show, either because you haven't yet hit puberty, or you spent your entire life with your head in a bucket -

Shown on ITV from 1972 to 1992. Basic plot was this - Geoffrey Hayes, a stud of a man in bright dungarees (and wearing a permanently exasperated expression, with good reason), lived in the Rainbow house with Zippy, George and Bungle. No one knows where the Rainbow house was, but I'd guess at somewhere posh down south going by their accents. The official line is that they were all "just good friends", but who knows? Maybe Geoffrey had sex with a really ugly woman and then got custody?

Every week in the Rainbow house another hard hitting topic was tackled, and eventually resolved. I don't kid, over the years, Rainbow has been known to find the meaning of life, the solution to world peace, the cure for the common cold, and the best way to organise your jigsaws (put them in labelled boxes of course!)

Frequent visitors to the house included Rod Jane and Freddy, who usually got punched for singing about everyone's personal problems, Dawn Boden, the next door neighbour (Come on Geoffrey, we all know what you two were doing together in the shed), and Chrisopher Lillicrap (still doing songs but marginally better looking than Rod Jane Freddy so he never got beaten up, although he did get paint thrown over him once, but that was just Bungle being a twat)

I will give each of the characters their own profile later on, they all have far too many mental problems to fit into a few lines.

And now to the action with the thrilling part one!

We join the Rainbow gang as they are all covered in tinsel and, thanks to his peculiar position on the ladder, from a certain angle you can see Geoffrey's bum (should you want to, I mean I don't, that's just wrong).

Note - while we're on the subject of Geoffrey's bum, check out what comes next - Bungle expressing his feverish love for Christmas, while Geoffrey appears to be giving him an anal themed lap dance from the ladder. A minute later Bungle admonishes Zippy for being greedy, and all the time the perverted bear has his face still thrust in his adopted father's rear end.

Things soon take a more serious and sombre turn, as the gang realise they have forgotten their estranged Auntie Elsie in New Zealand. If they don't get those presents to her in time, then she will have nothing on Christmas day, and will sit all alone, weeping into a can of beans before slitting her wrists with the jagged tin lid.

When the presents are revealed, it becomes apparent that they probably should have just left her to her can of beans; they are the most pathetic presents ever. Firstly some bedsocks that imply she's morbidly obese and has to be lifted by crane to the toilet, some pretty nondescript hankies, a second hand box of chocolates, and a glass 'thing', whatever it is.

Where the hell did Bungle get those bedsocks?

There is a brief interlude featuring an animation of the Loch Ness monster, which obviously has everything to do with Christmas.

Back to the cut and thrust, and the present wrapping is underway. Geoffrey orders George to get some sellotape from the dispenser, despite George only having one arm. He ends up taping his entire face up, while Geoffrey gets annoyed, Zippy laughs, and Bungle just stands there like a pillock.

A quick lesson on how to wrap presents pretty poorly, followed by writing labels. Notice that Bungle "isn't very good at writing yet", yet in other episodes he is left alone to look after Zippy and George, while Geoffrey's out gallivanting. Tut tut.

Part two!

Another Christmassy animation, this time from the Red Arrows, then the gang wrap Geoffrey's glass 'whatever the fuck it is' (my boyfriend thought it was a bong for some fucking reason). Bungle ends up with the labels stuck to his arse, yet Geoffrey still insists on using them, even though they're now covered in hair from Bungle's arse crack.

Next we go spy on Rod Jane and Freddy during their carolling expedition. It's handy for them that they seem to have brought along an entire studio, complete with vocal effects and an editing suite, not to mention a full band. That's value for money. Even though they're supposed to be best friends with the occupants of the Rainbow house, notice how they leave them standing in the snow for absolutely bloody ages, and even at the end of the song they don't invite them in, they just appear on the doorstep with what looks like mugs of battery acid. In fact they don't even bother staying until the end of the song, they just bugger off back inside. I don't really blame Bungle, given that he's naked. I'm just bitter because Rod Jane and Freddy never turned up outside my house, but I'll never stop hoping.

Now we get to my favourite part of this episode - writing Auntie Elsie's address on the parcel. Please observe that her full address is simply "Green Street, New Zealand". Do they actually not want the parcel to get there or something? And after all that trouble too.

Jane pops in, evidently the only one to have forgiven them for the carolling snub. Geoffrey cajoles her into babysitting while he goes to the pub, er, the post office. He is soon back with chips, having forgotten to feed his young wards earlier, only to find Jane has buggered off. Obviously the whole thing was revenge.

Equilibrium is restored soon, however, as we find all seven playing a jolly game of pass the parcel. George decides to cheat by guilt tripping Geoffrey into stopping the music when it's his turn, thus winning a crappy snow globe filled with LSD.

At the end, Geoffrey retrospectively hopes that Auntie Elsie got her presents on time. One, you don't care, you couldn't even be bothered to write the whole address, and two, you obviously never phoned her to check. You inconsiderate sod.