This website has moved to www.worldofcrap.co.uk. Please update your links. And then go there, because it's really really good, and there's cake there and everything.

Thursday, 25 August 2011

Raggy Dolls - The Big Top

Good afternoon. Now that I am a happy little bonbon once again, I shall be turning out cartoon-related tripe with a lot more regularity.

Today's spouting is dedicated to The Raggy Dolls, a show that still manages to make me feel all warm and cosy, even as an adult (I use the word loosely). The Raggy Dolls was a series of cartoons about a gang of fucked up toys that go round the country having adventures, or something. Imagine the kind of toys that even Home Bargains would reject - that's these guys. Still, they teach us a valuable lesson about what's on the inside being more important than what's on the outside. They also teach us that, if you mangle your dolls beyond recognition, they will come back and fuck your shit up. Or maybe I just dreamed that last part.

Anyway, the show had a brilliant theme tune, sung by Neil Innes of "Urban Spaceman" fame. In it we are encouraged to "be like the Raggy Dolls, and not give a fuck about what people think of you". I like that message.

And now... THE BIG TOP!

When the episode begins, we're able to meet the whole gang in one go. They all have pretty obvious defects apart from Claude, the French doll, whose defect appears to be that he's French. Anyway, they're a pretty screwed up bunch as we can see, but they haven't been cast out of society altogether, not just yet anyway. They still have a home - the reject bin of the local factory. But I think it's a bit like living in a hostel - you have to be out of the place for most of the day, because their insurance doesn't cover you, or something. I think that's why the gang are all in the middle of a random field.

Incidentally, I once made my own version of a Raggy Doll -

Only problem is I think I ended up making her better than she was before, thus negating my original point.

So - back to the "action". Princess declares that it's fun looking at flowers, because flowers are different shapes. Christmas Day must be a riot in their house, I mean in their bin. Princess and Lucy then decide to make daisy chains, despite having no fingers. Meanwhile, Dotty is painting a picture of Sadsack, except Sadsack forgot to remove his butt plug before he left home, and is now awkwardly humping the ground as a result, like some sort of beige porn star.

Oh yeah, it's a thistle. Sure it is.

Claude, meanwhile, is stood around being all French.

Just then, the gang hear a stampede coming their way. At this point no one knows if it's some escaped cows, or whether a motorway is going to be built right over them. Sadly, it's neither. The noise scares Lucy so much that the narrator starts banging his spoon on the side of his coffee mug.

The noise the gang can hear is actually a circus, being transported by the swarthiest, dodgiest looking man in the world. Put it this way, you wouldn't leave your wallet or your daughter with him -

It's also a bit of a budget train - everyone else has to ride on top of the carriages. This is the LIDL of the travelling circus world.

An elephant appears out of nowhere and runs at the dolls. Claude exclaims "Quelle horreur!" which I think is French for "Oh holy fuck!" Sadsack comes to the conclusion that it must be an earthquake, despite looking right fucking at the fucking elephant.

Then three identical Grant Mitchell triplets kind of mince over to them. I think they might be holding hands as well.

"Quick, let's hide under what is obviously the circus tent; the circus people will never have any reason to go near this."

Predictably, the dolls end up stuck at the top of the, well, the big top. they look down and shit themselves/survey the view - cut to the most useless circus acts in the world getting some practise.
And a pink horse. The lions are pretty good though.

He's still banging that fucking spoon!

Suddenly, we are all expected to believe that Back-to-front (whose head is back to front, obviously), is adept at tightrope walking. Not only that, but adept at walking fucking backwards on a tightrope, while carrying his ladyfriends. None of the others do the sane, rational thing, which is to ignore him.

To everyone's surprise, he is actually marvelous at it. Showbiz let a gem slip through their fingers with him, I tell you.

While this is going on, we cut to a shot of the awesome lions again, just because.

Hi-Fi and Sadsack are getting sick of Back-to-front getting all the attention from the ladies, so they decide to do what any normal person would do - crash into him on a big fuck-off trapeze, sending them all hurtling to their deaths.

Also, instead of Back-to-front showing off, surely it would have been easier and quicker for everyone to go across on the trapeze? I mean, if that sack thing can do it, then everyone can.

Meanwhile, Claude is still stood there being French.

Anyway - oh no - the dolls are falling! It's fine though, they all have relatively soft landings, as opposed to all falling onto a bed of nails or something.

In the next scene I lose all the respect I previously had for the lions. This makes me quite sad. They had such promise. But I do gain a new found respect for Dotty, who turns out to be Chuck Norris or similar. While princess is sniveling "I think they're going to heat us up!" (does she mean 'eat'?), Dotty gets her Indiana Jones on and shows those lions who's boss. Only, while doing so she manages to sound like Chris Eubank, complete with a lisp that wasn't there before.

Meanwhile, Claude is still at the top of the tent, being French. To give him his credit, he does just stand around being all nonchalant and full of ennui at his predicament. I half expected him to start smoking a cigarette while singing a Jacques Brel song at this point.

Instead of just leaving the useless fuck there, the gang put a trampoline under him so he can jump. Claude cries "Viva la France!" before he jumps. By doing so, he automatically becomes my new favourite (secretly, he always was anyway).

The animals all applaud this feat, instead of just eating people and shitting on the floor like they usually do.

When the dolls finally get out of the tent, they are shocked beyond belief to see "a long line of people". Why? It's a circus, not an incinerator. Morons.

Sadsack closes the episode by making a joke, then telling the others about how he "made a joke", even though they were standing right next to him. The others just sort of stare at him for a bit, not really knowing what to say.

And then it ends. I think there was supposed to be some end credits here, but then maybe the animators just gave up at this point.

No comments:

Post a Comment