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Sunday, 21 August 2011

Rainbow - Jack and Jill

This episode is loved by all fans of the overt innuendo in Rainbow, as well as those who admire Geoffrey's ability to keep a straight face while filming (something Rod could never do).

I present to you - part one of an episode of pure filth -

We begin with Geoffrey being overly jovial as usual. I don't like the way he says "you", it sounds a bit menacing somehow.
We are launched straight into the action with no messing about. Zippy counts everyone in like a true professional (because Geoffrey can't count yet). We then get to witness the gang's rendition of "Jack and Jill", although to some people it might sound more like this -

Zippy suggests that Geoffrey and Bungle might like to pretend to be Jack and Jill, "because George and I have no legs/don't get paid enough/have no legs because we don't get paid enough to be able to afford legs."

Bungle gets waaaaay too excited over the prospect of wearing a "pretty hat". his voice goes up a couple of octaves, and he starts playing with his own nipples. Why does he never just eat everyone like bears are supposed to?

Geoffrey then declares that he needs a hat too. Why? What for? Why does Jack need a hat? He doesn't, that's why. Come to think of it, Jill doesn't need a hat either. But you should never try to take a hat away from an overexcited and fully grown bear.

Jack does need a pail though, which George quite rightly points
out. Luckily, there just "happens" to be a bucket in the corner of the living room. What? You don't have a bucket in the corner of your living room? You arse.

Before a pail is located, we are treated to a minute of Zippy being pure awesomeness, and, I swear he quacks at 1:34, so that's an added bonus.

So, we have the hats, we have the pail, we're all ready to go! Aren't we? No, we are not. Did you spot the error?



Zippy, as the voice of reason, points out that there aren't any hills indoors. Maybe not yet Zippy, but just you wait. Anyway, what have you got against indoor hills? What are you, the hill police? And what about dry ski slopes? So there.

An extremely limp wristed Geoffrey points out that they can build a hill using some massive building blocks that just "happen" to be all over the bollocking floor. Zippy just wants them to get on with it, because he wants to get to the bit where Jack and Jill fall down the hill (the bit where he can watch Bungle laying on the floor in agony).

There follows the campest display of hill climbing, ever. Ever. Geoffrey is skipping.

So - verse 1! "Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill...well...Jill just kind of...squatted a bit." Maybe Bungle had just found his inner bear, and thought he was in the woods? After all, "There are no hills indoors."

Sadly not. it's just Bungle being a div again, and not knowing what a crown is. Geoffrey explains what it is, for the benefit of Bungle, and for the stupider children watching at home. Every time Geoffrey explains something, i love him a little bit and want him to be...not my dad, but maybe an uncle. But not a creepy "uncle".

Anyway - verse 1, take 2. "Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill...well...just kind of stood there in "her" hat, touting for business.

Turns out that Bungle doesn't know what "tumble" means. Well you should have thought of that before shouldn't you, you fat stupid man in a bear costume.

Zippy takes the piss out of Bungles ignorance, which can only mean one thing -


After calm has been restored, we manage verse 1, take 3, and... success!

The gang manage one whole verse before they all need a lunch break, thanks to Bungle's constant fucking up of everything known to man.

To end part 1 we have a short animation from Cosgrove Hall, in which the real Jack and Jill appear from another dimension, line by line, to take revenge on Geoffrey and Bungle for soiling their good name.

Will the gang survive this interdimensional onslaught? Will Bungle sulk again? Find out in part 2! But yes, and probably.


Now pay attention here, because this is where you'll find the filth (and I don't mean the police).

We are finally ready to tackle verse 2, and listen at 0:11. Yes. What is it that she patches up? Excuse me, his what? Oh, I must have just misheard that. After all, "head" and "knob" sound exactly the same. Yes, that's what happened.

After the shocking and morally reprehensible verse 2 is finished, Bungle appears to have been possessed by a retarded Tellytubby.

Verse 2 in constantly interrupted by various people asking what every word means, except "knob". The audience is constantly teased with the prospect of Bungle saying "Geoffrey, what's a knob?" Sadly this never happens. What we actually get is a rather surreal moment, gicing us a brief glimpse of Bungle's world of mental illness -

"Zippy, am I still Jill?"


Zippy's answer to this schizophrenic question causes Bungle to have another BUNGLE STROP! This one is so good, I listed it in my top 10 Bungle strop moments.

When Bungle has been placated, yet fucking again, we carry on with the action. I for one, have never heard of Dame Dobb, ever, and I am convinced that she was only invented so the crew could sing about a knob, thus corrupting the children of Britain. If I am anything to go by, it appears to have worked.

Finally, we get an explanation for all the knob references. Apparently, Jack's knob is Jack's head. Two questions arise here. One, Why did Geoffrey feel the need to point to his head when he said the word "head"? Was it in case the audience thought he was referring to the other "head" that men have? And two, why the fuck didn't they just do the normal version of Jack and Jill? then they could have just said "head", and all this nastiness would have been avoided.

Let me get this straight. Instead of just laying on the floor in preparation for verse 2 (where Jack is already injured), Geoffrey feels he has to climb up the hill again, and fall down again. Maybe he's a method actor. maybe he needed to really feel Jack, but not in that way.

And I tell you what else. I banged my head last night. it still hurts today, and if some bastard tried to sprinkle vinegar on my head I'd kick them in the face.

I knew it. I just knew it. We weren't going to get through this episode without hearing from Rod, Jane and Freddy, who just happen to know a song about every-fucking-thing, even cystitis (probably).

God but they're cool. Especially Rod. He's such a rockstar, with that big-ass drum kit. He wants to be Keith Moon.

On a side note, has anyone seen Jane recently? She looks exactly the same. The woman doesn't age. there's only one explanation for that, and that is that she's a vampire.

Back to the action! "Why did they go up the hill to fetch water?" Apparently they went to collect filthy rainwater in a bucket, completely ignoring the well that is usually at the top of the hill. they have distorted this rhyme beyond all recognition, and all for their own perverted ends.

Notice how Zippy has one last ditch attempt to keep things clean, but no. Geoffrey still insists on saying "knob".

They act out the entire fucking thing one more time, going into minute detail, of the level usually only found in a PhD thesis. Oh Christ. theyr'e going to do the whole thing AGAIN. Luckily we're saved when Geoffrey declares that "we've got to go you now you know". he bids us goodbye, but not before reminding us that all the boys must hurt their knobs.

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