The other day I showed you guys a load of crap I bought from the car boot sale. Included in that pile of crap was the 1989 Bros annual. For those of you who have never heard of Bros, they were a short lived boy band active in the late 80s/early 90s. Famous for containing twins and next to no talent, Bros soared to somewhere in the charts a few times, released an annual, and then everyone just sort of forgot about them.
Not me though. When I was little my older sister had a massive poster of Bros in her bedroom, which is how those peroxided faces came to be etched on my young memory. Imagine my joy when I found a further chance to possess not only photographs of these goons, but quizzes, quotes and so much more, and all for just 50p! Money well spent say I.
I am not a selfish person, so I'm going to share this wondrous find with you. Prepare to feast your eyes on the joys of Matt 'n' Luke Goss, and the other one, who was probably called Roger.
First up we have the inside cover, which helpfully reminds you of the band's name, just in case you forgot which book you were reading and kept expecting Winston to meet Julia, or Humbert Humbert to meet Charlotte Haze's daughter -
Next up we have the obligatory 'Letters From...' section. Although there seems to have been a printing error - this page reads - "Letters from Bros Bros Bros Bros Bros Bros Bros Bros Bros". I don't know if those are autographs, or if a child has scribbled on the pages
After a few pages of filler, including 'posters' of questionable quality and a 'story so far' mini biography, we come to this oddity -
Yes, you too can learn to cook Goss, Goss and Roger's favourite meals! These include chilli (fine), some disgusting sounding tuna thing (not fine), and the mysteriously named 'London Pie' (may contain actual bits of London). I'm not sure this was exactly what Bros' manager had in mind when he first came up with the idea for a super cash money spin-off book for the tween Christmas market. But, since he probably ran out of everything else, including dodgy photo fillers, the boys trying to pass off pages from some cook book he found in a charity shop as their own would have to do. Hey, they're all girls, girls love cooking, it'll be fine.
Next up we have a 'maze'. Spot the deliberate mistake in this picture -
If you said "that's not a maze, that's just stupid. That's just a bit of the London A-Z they've torn out and edited a bit" - congratulations!
After some more dodgy photo filler, like this charming example, in which the boys are singing about the dangers of amputating your own hands -
- we come to the 'fashion' section, which contains not one, not two but three crotch shots, and a lovely jacket featuring the name 'Bat Man' -
Next up - Jokes!
I do love a good joke, even if I didn't pay good money for a Bros annual only for it to contain knock knock jokes that have fuck all to do with Bros. But never mind, I'll stick with it, I'm sure the jokes are good, I... wait, what?
If anyone knows how that joke is supposed to work, or why the hell there are question marks at the end, please let me know. It gives me nightmares.
After all the hilarity we move on to the 'When will I be famous?' board game -
Which the authors obviously put loads of effort into -
You start at 'Start', and finish at the abstract concept of fame, and inbetween you try not to kill yourself.
Next up - Bros Talk, in which Bros slag off all other bands, and are in turn met with a sweeping wave of indifference from popular figures of the time -
Last but not least, a photoshoot with Bros' loyal fans -
Bros are so nice - they really appreciate their fans, and take time out of their busy, London Pie cooking schedules to meet 'n' greet all their adoring supporters, and all for nothing but a small fee of £1000 per fan. Of all the assorted lunatics and bored housewives who turned up for this photoshoot (without one word of a lie, I accidentally just wrote 'photoshit'. Maybe I should have left the mistake in), my favourites are these three -
1. The girl who looks angry at Bros, probably because she thought this was going to be an Echo and the Bunnymen photoshoot -
2. The girl who looks vaguely disgusted at having to be touched by members of Bros -
3. Alan Davies -
Well, I hope you enjoyed this journey through the Bros annual as much as I did. Actually, I hope you enjoyed it more than me, because I didn't enjoy it at all.