Shit just got festive here
at World Of Crap, and I'd like to kick off the season of good cheer
by writing about one of my favourite ever Rainbow episodes – The
Colours Of The Rainbow. This was the gang's first attempt at a
Christmas panto,
Coming up in this episode
-
Geoffrey pretending to be
10 -
Bungle dressed as a woman
(again) -
Evil Zippy dressed as
Julian Clary -
Nightmare fuel -
For those of you who want
to watch along with me, here is the Youtube link, uploaded by
LisaGlitters - LINK!
We begin with Evil Zippy,
AKA 'The Yellow Dwarf', performing the most terrifying of rituals -
poetry. Then the good guy, 'Fairy George', comes along and fucks
Zippy's shit up by doing a rhyme about flowers or kittens or
something. It's like the world's worst rap battle -
Next up we have Rod Jane
and Freddy - after all, no Rainbow special would be complete without
them. Jane appears to be wearing a bottle of Heinz tomato sauce -
So - some musical
twiddling, and then stupid hairy Bungle Bonce crashes into the set on
a tricycle. We would do better not to enquire as to why this is so. I
think it's in the script, but you never know with Bungle.
Here is 'Dame Bungle', AKA
Geoffrey's mother -
Rod Jane and Freddy
proceed to take the piss out of her appearance for a bit, then bugger
off somewhere, leaving Bungle to look for her son -
Bungle and Geoffrey keep
missing each other, prompting Bungle to ask the viewers at home for
help. She finaly collars her wayward son, only for him to nick her
bike.
Back to Evil Zippy, who
reveals his plan to steal all the colour from the world. If Zippy
hates colour so much, maybe Rainbow wasn't the best choice of
show for him to star in? Anyway, through magic and reasons, he
manages to make the world completely greyscale -
That is, apart from the
rainbow outside, which will be important later, and for some reason
Geoffrey and Bungle themselves, but I don't think we're supposed to
mention that. Sssssssshhhhhhh.
Bungle and Geoffrey are
really pissed off that someone has nicked their colour, as they were
planning to watch the test card on TV later, and now that won't be
any fun.
Then, for reasons known
only to Geoffrey, he works out that all the colour must now be in the
rainbow, and that he'll somehow be able to get it back from there.
This new found
determination/lunacy prompts a visit from Fairy George, rap battle
runner up extrordinaire -
George brings with him a
fresh supply of magic and reasons, and sends Geoffrey off to the land
of red, to get some red.
This is where the
nightmare fuel comes in -
Rainbow - inspiring terror
since 1972.
Geoffrey's sojourn in hell
works, and the red is returned to the house. Now Geoffrey must go
score some orange, helped by Isaac Newton on a space hopper -
Isaac Newton also warns
Geoffrey not to upset the Yellow Dwarf (Evil Zippy). This is
unfortunate, because the very next thing Geoffrey has to do is find
some yellow. This time he isn't transported to a weird yellow world.
Instead, Evil Zippy rocks up in his kitchen, and recites a rather
creepy poem -
"Not so fast,
Geoffrey Hayes,
Out of this are many
ways,
But not for you, my
charming fellow,
For here you'll stay,
and become quite yellow!”
Is it bad that I just
wrote that whole thing from memory?
Anyway, Geoffrey tries to
catch the Yellow Dwarf without success. When Geoffrey is good and
knackered, Zippy relents and says he can have his yellow back if
he'll sing the special rainbow song. But look out Geoffrey, it's a
trap! As soon as he attempts to sing the song, Zippy gets pissed off
and magics his voice away! Now Geoffrey is well and truly fucked.
Fortunately, Fairy George
chooses that moment to reappear, and has brought with him enough magic and reasons for everyone. It transpires that if the kids at home can sing
the rainbow song for Geoffrey, then he'll get his voice back, along
with all the yellow he could ever want. The viewers are helped by
Geoffrey pointing to the words of the song in picture form -
Next up - Green. Geoffrey
finds himself at Center Parcs, accompanied by the Green Princess (a
cross between Jane and the Jolly Green Giant) -
She sings him a song, and
he falls asleep, and somehow that gets the green back.
When Geoffrey wakes up, he
is no longer at Center Parcs, but at the North Pole, shivering his
tits off -
Then the blue dude rocks
up, looking for a hanky, which Geoffrey provides. There seems to be
no way out of this one without enlisting the help of Fairy George. If
Fairy George was so good, Geoffrey wouldn't have had to shout him in
the first place.
Suddenly, Geoffrey is
magically transported back into his kitchen, along with the blue guy
and, inexplicably, orange guy and green woman as well -
What happens next is very
clever - they manage to get round the problem of indigo and violet
without having to shell out for any extra cast members. The blue guy
melts, and we see that he's a bigger version of the yellow dwarf! And also Rod.
Then Evil Zippy appears
again, and during the following conversation Rod and Zippy
conveniently remember that they are actually father and son, and that
Zippy's mother is called Indigo, and his sister is called Violet.
Zippy declares that now he's found his Dad, he'll turn over a new
leaf and help the poor and stuff. Absolutely nothing else is
explained.
Fairy George crashes the
party, and together the guys summon Dame Bungle. Why they needed to
use magic to return her to her own house is beyond me. Also, we never
learn where she's been this whole time, but we do get to see her
knickers,
which I suppose is a bonus
if you like that sort of thing.
We finish with a nice song
about your dreams being at the end of the rainbow, and then everyone
must say goodbye and go back to dull reality, boooo.
Fun facts about this
episode -
1. Geoffrey and Bungle
wrote the script (really - watch the credits).
2. I have seen this
episode 16,597 times.
3. Geoffrey isn't really
10 years old, but uses special prosthetics to achieve this effect.
