Lazy Town – as I suspected, a fake Sportacus is better than the real one

Before we begin, congratulations to Andrew Lee, who has become World Of Crap's first Twitter follower! See? It can be done, you just have to pull your fingers out and follow his shining example. I haven't really got on with Twitter in the past, but like a woman deaf to her friends' criticisms of her new boyfriend's drug taking, wife beating ways, I am convinced it's going to be different this time round.

Anyway, on to today's topic.

You know why I love Lazy Town? Because when I watch it, I get an overwhelming feeling that I'm doing the right thing by sitting on my arse eating chocolate. I have no desire to be like these rubber headed cretins, with their sports candy and their 'exercise is fun' delusion. Admittedly, I don't think the show is aimed at 30 year old, sherry drinking underachievers, but still.

Long time readers will remember my first Lazy Town post, where I present Robbie, the cake eating, gym avoiding grinch as the show's real hero. And I stand by that assertion. All Robbie is trying to do is lead a normal life, free from screeching bloody kids and having to eat fucking 'sports candy'. Lazy Town usually follows Robbie's attempts to achieve this normality, as he goes to insane lengths to rid the world of overzealous aerobics instructor/Errol Flynn tribute Sportacus, his concubine Stephanie, and the above mentioned rubber headed cretins. Today's episode is no different. It is entitled 'Sportafake', and by watching it we learn that Robbie makes a better Sportacus than Sportacus ever could. That's how rubbish Sportacus is.

Here is the link for watch along – LINK

We begin with a scene involving Miss Busybody acting like these women. The mayor, having no balls of his own, surreptitiously tries to build a pair out of wood while fixing Busybody's fence.

 

SHIT! The head flies off his hammer, landing... fuck knows where, we don't see for now. The scene abruptly shifts to our hero, Robbie, cursing the fact that Stephanie has wandered into his eyeline. If only he hadn't been using a magnifying periscope, maybe he wouldn't have accidentally spotted her from his house underground. Oh Robbie, you so silly. I'm not sure what Robbie is really looking for – a rare breed of squirrel? A Wimpy bar? A woman wearing those leggings that you think are proper leggings but in reality are just thick tights and you go around with your bum exposed without knowing?

Ok, he's pissed off because Stephanie is absent mindedly throwing some kind of hoop about. As Robbie quite rightly states - “It's a lovely day to be lazy!” Yes it is, and as such, Stephanie should be in the park with the rubber headed cretins, drinking cheap wine and trying to cadge cigarettes off passing strangers. Robbie has every right to be angry.

See, this is my main problem with Lazy Town. Robbie clearly has the kids' best interests at heart, and as such he wants them to have a normal life full of beer and fun, instead of compulsory aerobics and apples. He wants them to live. Sportacus just wants them to have toned glutes, whatever glutes are. I think it's your arse.

To this end, Robbie has erected a 'No Playing' sign on the street, but it gets knocked down by... you guessed it, the hammer from earlier.

“FUCK” shouts Robbie.

He goes into a lament about how life was ace when people actually listened to him. This soliloquy is a masterpiece, but since he's underground and there's no one around to listen to him, he has to provide his own applause afterwards.

We cut to three of the rubber headed cretins – Pixel, Ziggy and Trixie – doing what they're actually supposed to be doing on such a hot day. They're lying there on sun loungers, shooting the shit. With no desire to do anything. That is the correct way to be. Then, of course, Stephanie has to turn up and shit in everyone's hats by insisting they play 'catch', the most pointless game known to man.

Oh good, it's Sportafuck. He surprises everyone, including and especially me, by immediately sitting on a sun lounger and going to sleep. Maybe I misjudged Sportacus – I assumed he'd immediately take boring Stephanie's side and insist that the gang all start doing jumping jacks, RIGHT NOW.

Oh for fuck's sake. He was just joking. My head banged on the keyboard when I realised this. I think I need a glass of wine. It's already taken me an hour to watch three minutes of this episode.

And now all the rubber headed cretins are dying to play catch, despite having dismissed the idea thirty seconds ago. But when Sportafuck turns up, they're so eager to net some brownie points they practically jizz in their pants. They all fancy him.

After a bit of filler in which the aerobic arseholes play catch, we return to Robbie, who is ranting about the fact that no one ever listens to him, only to Sportacus. He decides it must be Sportacus' moustache that compels them to listen. I agree Robbie, I think it is the moustache, along with the promises of free sex and money.

Robbie's genius plan is revealed – he is going to dress as Sportacus so he can boss the kids around for himself. Because if five children do what he says, then he'll be able to go back to eating cake in peace. Why couldn't he just do this anyway? Because shut up, that's why.

There follows a brilliant 30 seconds where he takes the piss out of Sportafuck's moves before having an asthma attack.

We return to Miss Busybody and her minion, before Stingy turns up and starts announcing that he owns everything in the manner of 'Murica.

Meanwhile, the cretins are still playing catch, when Sportacus receives an urgent message (a tweet?) that 'shomeone'sh in trouble!' He fucks off on his sportaladder.

While Sportacus is busy fucking off, Robbie decides now is the time to implement his plan. He bounces over the wall (what wall?) hoping the kids will think Sportacus has just been the victim of a Doctor Who style timeslip, and has gone from up in his airship to right next to the kids in 0.5 seconds flat. -

Oh my god, the kids fall for it. This lowers my respect level of them to, well, below zero, because it was at zero before.

For some reason, Robbie does an impression of Popeye for a while. Then he fails to know the rules of Catch, which lowers my respect level of him. But only for a bit.

Meanwhile, the mayor falls out of a tree. I don't know why.

SportaRobbie cracks and demands that everyone stop playing, right now. Then he issues his version of the ten commandments. The first is that they shall eat bubblegum. Wait, why is bubblegum forbidden? It's not bad, it's certainly not fattening. Possibly Sportacus banned it because

(wait, I was nearly not going to add this part as it's too rude. Fuck it.)

because Sportacus wanted to not tire his friends' mouths out, because he wanted them to use their mouths for other things. Now I am ashamed of myself.

Moving quickly on -

We cut to Stephanie writing in her diary -

“Dear diary,

Sportacus isn't acting right. By now he'd have given me at least three sexy looks, but so far – none! OMG! That trixie is such a bitch, with her rubber face and her pigtails. I hate her. Why haven't I had a period yet? Also, I thought I'd share some more of my poetry on Facebook, but so far no one has liked it, despite me posting it 76 times. I hate the world, and I hate my parents for dying and making me go live with my rubber headed uncle. I hate him, even if he is the mayor, he just DOESN'T UNDERSTAND ME! And why won't he let me dye my hair brown? He says it's because I'll never get a job later in life, but if an employer can't see that I'm a non-conformist, that's their problem. I don't want to be some puppet for a fat cat. Sportacus, why aren't you texting me back?”

Meanwhile, the real Sportacus is helping the mayor to build his shit wall, because the mayor 'won't get any sex if he doesn't finish it'. Sportacus is such a fucking do gooder. But then Sportacus is called away to a real emergency, involving Stephanie being a whining bitch. Again. Some of the rubber headed cretins are bullying another of the rubber headed cretins. Sportacus steps in -

As it turns out, he takes the side of the bullies, because Ziggy was daring to eat more than his fair share of bubblegum. Sportacus decides it was perfectly reasonable for the bullies to hold Ziggy upside down in order to extricate the offending bubblegum. Like they would have wanted it, after it had Ziggy's spit and god knows what on it.

No, they make him spit it out, but it's not enough, so they make him vomit up the bit he's already swallowed. At this point, Trixie claims she doesn't want it any more. I am Jack's complete lack of surprise.

The gang make friends and immediately start playing basketball, despite having forced one of their number to throw up only seconds ago. I really hope Robbie steps in soon. Meanwhile, the mayor is still building that wall. I don't give a shit about this, so I assume you won't either.

Oh god, 'someone's in trouble' again, so the real Sportacus fucks off to help. It's the mayor again. Sportacus builds the mayor's fence for him in a matter of seconds, which makes us wonder why he didn't do that in the first place. Then he goes away. He's a bellend.

While real Sportacus is off in his airship eating apples and doing god knows what, Robbie is back, offering the kids a bag full of McDonalds. Predictably, Stephanie looks pissed off at the thought of anyone enjoying themselves ever -

The rubber headed goons all view this as the heaven sent opportunity it is, and immediately start nomming the goods. Only Stephanie remains tight-anused.

Robbie turns up while (it sounds like) the mayor and Busybody are having sex, and knocks down their fence.

Meanwhile, the real Sportacus turns up and demands to know why they're all fat from burgers. The gang tell him that he gave them the burgers, and to stop being such a dick. Stephanie, despite having eaten a load of burgers herself, isn't happy at this, and goes crying to her uncle. Her uncle, as usual, is useless, being infatuated with Miss Busybody. Stephanie wants to know why Sportacus isn't the man she fell in love with. Then, unexpectedly, the mayor comes out with a gem that resonated with me -

“Sometimes you just have to speak out, even if no one wants to hear it.”

Story of my life. Still if the mayor of Lazy Town decrees my personal philosophy to be a good one, then I shall carry on with it.

Then Miss Busybody shouts him and he runs away, yelling “I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming!” This is a kids' show.

He trips over a skateboard and some stuff happens. Oh dear, he's spilled her drink.

Sportacus turns up again, relishing the chance to stick his nose in everyone's business.

Then Robbie turns up, so we have the age old problem of 'these two look the same, but which one is the real one? Robbie finds this amusing and decides to make the real Sportacus do some ballroom dancing, for reasons never explained -

Then they do a weird version of 'Bop-It', before the mayor comes along and asks “Which one of you is the real Sportacus? This, I'm convinced, is what inspired Magnus Scheving to write the series in the first place. He's been aching for a scene in which all his followers could stand up and yell “No, I'm Sportacus!” Sadly, the only other person claiming to be Sportacus isn't filled with self sacrificial reverence – he just wants people to think he's Sportacus so he can go back to eating cake.

The Sportacuses have some sort of aerobics competition to determine who is real. The the mayor suggests the town should keep them both. Wrong. You normally have one too many Sportaci in your town.

Then Stephanie suggests a race, because the real Sportacus would obviously win that.

The race begins, and the real Sportacus is obviously winning, until Miss Busybody gets sent somewhere on a skateboard, I don't know. What, do you expect me to have actually watched this episode properly?

A ha – the real Sportacus abandons the race in order to save Miss Busybody. I see.

Oh wait, I don't. Turns out everyone is foxed by Robbie winning the race, and they declare him to be the real Sportacus. Only Stephanie is unconvinced, and she speaks out, as told to previously by her rubber headed uncle.

“No, don't send him away, I love him! And all his insistences that I'm too fat and that I eat too much, and all his bullying me into exercising more, despite the fact that I'm 12. I love him!”

Everyone else buys this, and Robbie is rumbled. Robbie tries to play the legal angle, stating that whoever won the race was the real Sportacus, but he is foiled by the rubber headed cretins pulling his mask off, in a display of supreme irony,

We end with Miss Busybody pulling the poor mayor out of the friendzone by rewarding all his hard work with a kiss. Maybe, if he grouts her tiles, she'll let him bum her, I don't know.

Things we never had and didn't miss part 1

This is not going to be one of those annoying 'OMG THIS STUFF WILL MAKE YOU FEEL SOOOO OLD!!!!1111' posts. No. This was just a discussion between me and the mister, over things we couldn't live without, but somehow managed perfectly well without when we were growing up. Which makes us feel, like, sooo old!!1

I am basing this on a British childhood really, because my American readers will have had some of these things around since they can remember. Then America decided that they wanted to inflict their crap on other countries, and slowly the rest of the world caught up.

Because I have a list longer than my arm, I'm going to split this post into several parts, because I do need some me-time you know, to sit there drinking red bull and watching Antiques Roadshow.

1. The internet 

This is maybe not such a given, because a lot of you young scallywags assume the internet has been around since 1798. No. I didn't have my first glimpse of online until 1995, with the help of Netscape Navigator -

Ok, hands up if you remember any of the following things – getting 3000 free AOL CDs in the post/whenever you buy anything ever, the dial up music, Geocities, waiting ten minutes for half a picture to load (and not just because of all the advertising), your sister buggering up your conversation with 'manicsfan83' because she selfishly decided to make a phone call. No? Then you lose!

Our equivalent – Teletext

Shut up, this had all the features of your so called internet; we were quite happy with it back in the day. It had endless loading times, celebrity gossip, and fake psychics. Ok, it didn't have porn, but sometimes you could squint and pretend that Bamber Boozler, host of the Channel 4 Sunday Teletext quiz Bamboozle, was a nudey lady. Not that I ever did that, but I'm sure you could if you wanted.

2. Mobile phones

 

My god, the day I got my first mobile phone I felt like such a badass, and an important badass at that. It was a big Motorola brick, but still quite modern because it had texting on it. Much like a word processor of old, you couldn't see the entire text in one go; you had to scroll through each word from left to right. So if you realised you'd made a mistake at the beginning, you generally couldn't be arsed to go back.

No one ever phoned me as I had no friends, but it didn't matter. I would still have a fine old time choosing my ringtones just in case I got a wrong number or something. And then I upgraded to this bad boy -

Allow me to play you the song of my people -

Unless, of course, you could work the 'composer' feature, and then the world was your lobster. I got really good at using the composer, and ended up being able to make any tune on request. But my favourite thing to do was to bash the buttons on the composer for ten seconds, then have whatever godawful noise came out as my ringtone.

Our equivalent – The phone -

You know, the phone? The actual phone that households have? That has an area code? Where, if you ring and there's no answer, you just assume they're not in, not that they hate you? That.

Also, BT phone boxes. Great for making prank calls (like when you phone someone's house and just blow a raspberry down the phone), useless for making actual calls as they were all crackly and cost about a pound a go.

3. The Lottery -

It could be you! Tip – it won't be. But when The National Lottery started in 1994, every single person in Britain was convinced it would be them. So we went mad buying tickets, in a frenzy akin to something out of Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. And all workplace/pub/playground discussions were immediately wiped out and replaced by 'what we'd spend our winnings on'.

We still have the Lottery, but recently the ticket price has doubled to £2, and hardly anyone plays it any more. Sometimes we have a flutter though, because quite often you do get three numbers up, which these days will net you a cool £25 – not to be sniffed at.

Our equivalent – The football pools

Typically run by Vernons or Littlewoods, the idea was to correctly predict the scores of all the upcoming football matches of the week. My childhood was filled with my parents talking mysteriously about something called a 'score draw', or a 'no score draw', and putting ticks in little boxes, which a man in a hat would then come round and collect. I can't remember how much you could win on the pools, but it definitely wasn't millions. It might have been enough to retire on, if you just ate tins of beans and never got your hair cut, I don't know.

4. Netflix, Love Film etc -

Bored of everything on TV? Can't find anything to watch? Then I suggest you stop taking those drugs you're on, since they've clearly turned you into a mental. There is always something good to watch since TV on demand was invented. For a mere fiver a month, a household can watch almost any film or TV show ever made with the touch of a button. Very Jetsons. Especially now that Youtube on your TV has been thrown into the mix. Now it seems inconceivable that you might have to flick through the channels to 'see if there's anything good on', and hope you haven't missed the start of it.

Our equivalent – going to the video shop

This was a big thing, generally undertaken when the family was all together on a Friday or Saturday evening. As our family consisted of my parents, my two teenage sisters, and a fat, whining me, numerous rows over what to rent were guaranteed.

The proceedings would start with my parents casually saying, “Oh, there's nothing on TV tonight, let's get a video.” Magic words to me. Immediately my young mind would be filled with thoughts of the entire Hanna Barbera collection, or perhaps The Little Mermaid. Naturally, the video would be my choice; those peasants I lived with wouldn't be given a say.

It hardly ever turned out like this. I wanted something with no more than two dimensions, my sisters invariably wanted either a horror movie or Road House, my mum wanted anything to do with Coronation Street or Brookside, and my dad wanted something about a war. Any war. Or about Hank Marvin. Because of this inability to agree, the family generally ended up renting something nobody wanted to watch, probably not even the people who starred in it.

Then there were those times where, when I'd been really good, I won a trip to the video shop just for me, where I could pick out a video of my choice. This was where I got silly, and all thoughts of Hanna Barbera went out of the window. I would choose something like The Fly, and my parents would get all pissy and make me choose something like The Happy Unicorn.

Well, that's it for part one. I'll probably write part two over the weekend, just so you know and aren't endlessly pacing up and down crying “But when will she write it? When?” Now you can relax. 

Talent Show On Button Moon

The other day, my esteemed colleagues were having a conversation about Button Moon. This reminded me that I haven't written about Button Moon for a long time. I don't know why – it's easily the best show that was apparently funded entirely from loose change found down the back of the producer's sofa.

Anyway. Since I discovered one of my bosses is a fan of the 'Moon, I decided to write this post in the hope they'll decide not to sack me for being boring and always going on about my blog at work.

This episode is called 'Talent Show On Button Moon'. I'm so excited about watching this, I might wee my pants. This is how I imagine people felt when they watched the moon landings, or the Berlin wall being torn down, or 'Who shot Archie?' on Eastenders.

Here is the video link for watch along - LINK!

In the intro, Button Moon appears to be decorated with bunting made out of various... wait, I don't know what they're called. The foil things you get inside packs of butter that ask if you want a free apron, for only the cost of 12 packs of Lurpak? Those.

Mrs Spoon is allowed to drive the beansmobile today. This is truly flying the flag for women's rights. See, militant feminists? Not all men should have their dicks cut off. Mrs Spoon is driving, without crashing or anything! And Mr Spoon let her do it! God bless him.

I see Egbert and Tina aren't at school, yet again. Still, I guess in their days off they'll have learned a basic grasp of astrophysics and engineering, which is surely better than learning to spell 'cat'.

We land on Button Moon, and a walking, talking bottle is running around putting up those shit Lurpak flags, and moaning about the fact that they're having a talent contest. This is generally what Simon Cowell does when Britain's Got Talent comes back for yet another series.

A bottle is running round organising everything. Who gave him that job? A bottle has no arms or legs, according to popular culture.

Now we meet 'Bottle' properly, who is nervous about being in the show. Oh, he's in the show? No doubt he's just doing all the setting up to win brownie points with the judges than. I mean, he's obviously organised it all, so he's a dead cert to win. Only he wants to make absolutely sure, so he gets the viewers' pity votes in as a fall back. Just like on Britain's Got Talent.

I'm going to stick my neck out and say that Rag Doll and Freddy Teddy are going to be two of the contestants. This is because these two show up whenever there is any sort of competition. Rag Doll usually does something to teach us that cheats never prosper, a fact she repeatedly fails to grasp herself.

A brief aside: if this post doesn't make any sense – and I suspect it doesn't – that's because I had one hour's sleep last night.

Back to the action. Wait, did that bottle just say the contest is taking place in the Button Moon bar?

Incidentally, if Bottle is so nervous, can he calm himself down by drinking his own contents? Or would that be like drinking your own urine? It doesn't matter, since he seems to be a bottle of bleach or something. In that case, would drinking his own contents kill him? Hey, I don't have a philosophy degree for nothing.

I've also just realised that the bottle who is organising everything and the nervous bottle are in fact two different bottles. Oh well. I stand by all my previous statements, as I am too lazy to go back and change anything.

Oh, he said the barn, not the bar -

Ha ha, right on cue!

I am feeling so proud of myself right now.

Meanwhile, the big bottle's name is 'Captain Large'. Snort.

Artistic tensions are running high backstage, as Rag Doll gets into an argument with some posh bint.

YES! Strike two for me!

I think the Spoon family are the only ones in the audience. Once they are seated, the contest begins. Oh god, I really want the singing pens to win. I like pens.

Meanwhile, the little bottle is still nervous. Is it too early in the proceedings to say that I think he's going to win? And not because I've seen this episode before, because I haven't. Call it a sixth sense if you want, but I just have a feeling.

Next up we have a clown doing fuck knows what, then Rag Doll accidentally on purpose sabotages that bitch from earlier's act by not letting her onto the stage. But she's soon foiled and the bitch does some sort of poem about a rabbit nicking her ice cream -

My greedy little rabbit,

First he took a lick,

Then he took my ice cream,

And stuck it on his dick.

I'm paraphrasing.

It's now the little bottle's turn, but he still has stagefright, so Rag Doll nicks his go. She does some disco dancing that is actually pretty awesome. It's certainly better than that shit poem.

Finally, the moment you've all been waiting for! No, not the end of the episode – THE LITTLE BOTTLE'S ACT! It's rubbish – he just garbles 'The Grand Old Duke Of York' really quickly and then runs off the stage. If I was in charge of the show I would disqualify him for wasting everyone's time.

Ooooh, the winners are announced, and the little bottle has only come third! There goes my theory. Ok then, I still don't think Rag Doll or her arch enemy will win, so that leaves the clown or the singing pens. I really hope it's the pens. Nothing against the clown, I just really like pens.

In second place – the clown that did fuck knows what. My favourites are poised to win!

Here it comes – in first place... The Button Moon Pencils! Oh wait, they're pencils, not pens. I don't care, I like pencils too. I don't mind admitting that I actually did a bit of a fist pump when I heard the winner. I'm getting into this episode, don't judge me.

Rag Doll and her arch enemy put their differences aside and declare the contest to be rigged, or something. And then the Spoon family go home, and that's it. I think the moral of today's story is that, even if an act is a bit shit, they will still get placed as long as one of their parents is organising the contest. And also that you just can't beat singing pencils.

Old adverts I love – booze edition

I like booze, because it's big and clever. Now I'm a grown up, and have decided which tipples I prefer, it's become easier for me to tune out the cacophony of alcohol advertising that tries to enter my brain via my eyes and ears. Not so when I was a nipper. The TV ad breaks (not the ones during things like Rainbow, obviously) were awash with strange adverts for mysterious drinks, and all you knew about them was that they were somehow different from pop.

Booze adverts back then were fascinating – they were obscure enough to make me wonder what that strange new product was, and why I never got to have any. Nowadays (Smirnoff, Famous Grouse etc aside) a lot of booze adverts just show you the booze. In a glass. Which is the last thing you want to see when you have a hangover.

Here are some adverts I remember fondly for being funny, or bizarre, or just downright good -

Skol

What happened to Skol? Can you even get it any more? A quick Google search shows you can, albeit mostly in Brazil, where it is the country's number one lager.

Over here, Skol was marketed as a rowdy Danish/Swedish/Norweigan/foreign lager that was drunk by a load of singing cartoon vikings (one of whom was Hagar The Horrible). Anyone who has seen the advert remembers the song. All together now -

Skol skol skol skol skol skol skol skol skol (continue x 42).

Babycham

I used to get a 4 pack of Babycham every Christmas, until my dad realised I didn't really like it. I used to think it was the same as Lambrini, and then I found out it's actually 'sparkling perry'. Then I found out that Lambrini is sparkling perry too. You win some, you lose some.

This advert was very odd. Not creepy odd, just 'ooh, look at that guy' odd. I think it's meant to be what happens inside a Babycham bottle. Or possibly when you get to the bottom of one. Also, the guy singing sounds like Otto from The Simpsons. Possibly that's not deliberate.

Taboo/Mirage

Ah, the holy duo. Never ever seen separately, apart from nowadays, since Mirage is no more. And the world is the poorer for it. Taboo without Mirage is like Cannon without Ball – you'd get people going 'oh, whatever happened to them?' before going back to not giving a fuck and/or their knitting.

I never had Mirage, but I do know that Taboo and lemonade tastes just like jelly babies.

I think the reason Taboo survived and Mirage didn't is because human beings are inherently naughty. We like the idea of drinking liquid hedonism, but not the idea of drinking something a nun would approve of. We get enough goody two shoes stuff rammed down our throats without having to drink it too, thank you very much. This is expertly shown in the advert – the woman drinking Taboo is obviously having a more interesting time, and she's probably off to fuck the barman in a minute.

Tia Maria

I was originally going to talk about the advert where the bird hypnotises some dude into coming over and opening a pickle jar for her, but I found out that advert was from 2000, not the early 90s like I originally thought. Oh God, I'm old. I have no sense of temporal awareness any more. Soon I'll be forgetting why I walked into a room, or not going out because I need to 'rest my bones'. Mind you, I do that already.

Instead, I'm going to show you the actual 80s Tia Maria ad, featuring a woman with a stripey face -

Bonus advert – Guinness – featuring GEOFFREY!

LOOK! LOOK! IT'S GEOFFREY HAYES!

That is all.

1000 Facebook Fans!

I now have over 1000 fans on the Face Book! Thanks guys, it's nice to know that people read the absolute shite I create by pressing random keys on my keyboard and occasionally getting lucky.

Interestingly, I now have more likes than Solpadeine, Angela Rippon and Kay Burley put together, but I don't have as many likes as Kwik Save in Milford Haven. So get on it people! Share my page and let's show Kwik Save who's boss!

To celebrate this milestone, here is a picture of me wearing all the coats I could find -

5 shit and pointless beauty products

I am not au fait with advances in beauty and grooming technology. Neither my job nor the mister require me to possess any vanity whatsoever. Dressing for work normally involves grabbing the first clothes that come to hand after groping round on my bedroom floor. I do brush my hair sometimes, but only if I'm going somewhere really nice, like KFC.

However, I do watch a lot of teleshopping, which is where I've seen most of the following monstrosities. These products promise to make you more beautiful, so you can gain a sense of self worth, grab that promotion at work, and sink your wedding obsessed claws into some poor unsuspecting chap. These products will change your life, by which I mean you'll have slightly less money than you had before.

1. Head Cones

Are you tired of having flat hair? Never fear – 'Bumpits' are a nifty bit of kit that will instantly make you look like one of the Martians off of Mars Attacks. The idea is that you put this headband thing under you hair, then arrange your real hair around it, and it's somehow meant to look good.

Maybe the thinking behind it is something like this - if a potential mate sees you have a bigger skull than all the other girls, he'll think you have a bigger brain, and that you're not just going to talk about shoes and periods on your first date. Or maybe some company just had some leftover padded bra inserts and/or traffic cones they needed to get rid of, I don't know.

2. Stroke Simulator

You know what's really good for making you feel youthful and revitalised? Having a stroke! Haven't had a stroke? Never mind – now you can simulate one with the stroke-o-matic! This piece of dickfuckery claims to 'exercise' your face, leading to, I don't know, a muscly face?

In reality, it does this -

I'm assuming you don't use this just before a big night out. You probably have to do it before leaving the house. But if you're willing to sit at home and have 20,011 strokes, then you too could end up with a face that's, well, the same really. Apart from slightly electrocuted.

3. Foot Sander

I've had countless dates ruined, and countless broken hearts, and all because my feet needed sanding. And I never knew. More fool me. Thank God for the JML Pedi Pro – a revolutionary new foot sander, or whatever it's called. You simply switch it on, sand your feet the desired amount, then empty your disgusting foot shavings in the bin.

I don't know why they always show this bloody advert at teatime – the last thing I want to see while I'm eating is someone's discarded foot skin being emptied out into the bin. Especially if I've been on the beer the night before, then I really don't want that.

The thing is, I'm pretty sure my feet don't need sanding down – I have pretty normal feet without ever needing a foot sander. And don't give me all this “Oh women in 1950 used sandpaper on their feet, Britain today has lost its backbone”, - that is not true. Feet are for walking on, and drawing on in biro. And occasionally poking the mister in the head. They are not for sanding.

4. No No (a foot sander, but for your hairy bits)

WOMEN! Are you tired of looking like Tom Selleck? Then give us money, and we'll give you another electric sander to go along with the one you already bought for your feet, only it's not for your feet, honestly. All women need every body part sanding down until there is only a stump left.

So how does 'No No' work? The simple answer is it doesn't*.

I assume it's meant to rub your hair so hard that it gets friction burns and dies, or until it's so scared it actually starts running away of its own accord.

Hairy women, let me give you a tip – Nair cream for your face, and men's razors for your naughty, unspeakable bits. Rubbing your nether regions with a sander won't work, unless you're a pervert and you're trying to do something entirely different.

5. Spray on hair

SUPERMillionHair claims to revolutionise the fight against baldness, by introducing a spray that covers up bald patches in both men and women (as long as your hair is approximately 1 inch long). 

It sticks to the hair you do have in a magical new way. And what do you do if you're Ross Kemp? You kick the crap out of the company who made it, that's what.

I cannot be the first to say that I think the SUPERMillionHair secret formula is probably Bisto. It certainly works for brown hair. And blondes? Well, they have chicken Bisto. They don't have a red version, or a purple version, judging by this colour palette on the SUPERMillionHair website

Maybe they're waiting until sweet n sour or blueberry versions become available**

*Disclaimer - I have no scientific evidence that NONO doesn't work - only the fact that it looks shit.

** I'm assuming the grey/silver variety is currently made from stuff they have gathered from old ashtrays.

Two things that are probably boring, but I'm going to write about them anyway

I was going to write an advert related post tonight, but I can't find a copy of the advert in question anywhere on the internet, so until I get my hands on a copy, here are two interesting things -

1. The mister just put two tins of biscuits down on the settee, and they made a big fart noise, and we laughed.

2. This evening I came out of the bathroom and tripped over the mister, who was sat on the floor outside, waiting for me to come out, 'because he was bored'. This led to us having the world's shittest fight on our hands and knees in the corridor, the best move of which was when I squeezed his boob.

The end.

PS I know how much everyone loves pictures, so here is a picture of a kilopede that I drew on the whiteboard in our kitchen -

Our wall of crap

Want to see one wall of our spare room? Of course you do, who wouldn't?

Here it is -

It's a work in progress, but I think it's coming along nicely. I feel that, as my loyal readers, you should be shown around my flat, whether you want to be or not. I also think it's a good idea to give you my national insurance number, and my address so you can come round and kill me while I sleep. I am nothing if not an idiot.

However, I don't think anyone is clever enough to figure out my address from seeing half of one wall, so I'll continue and take you through the gallery so far.

The items aren't numbered because I've had a hard day at work, stop judging me. Anyway, I'm sure you can figure out for yourselves which bits are which.

In no particular order we have -

A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie poster from BIG! Magazine

A drawing I did for the mister in lieu of a Christmas Card. It is a picture of a unicorn eating some mashed potato, while Angela Rippon and MC Hammer look on. In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have placed Angela Rippon there. It looks rude.

Some bad advice from Mr T that the mister printed out years ago off some website

A newspaper article about Dangermouse

Two velvet arts that I got from a discount shop in town – Sonic and Mario. I did the Sonic one, the mister did the Mario one. Mine is superior.

Pencil cases – see THIS ARTICLE  for an explanation

A drawing I did while I was really bored during some work training, of a dyslexic MC Hammer

Another TMNT movie poster

My festive and welcoming Christmas sign. Was on the kitchen door, but we had to move it when my sister in law and her kids came round

A Thomas The Tank Engine poster I got for the Mister last Christmas

I bet you are just that impressed, aren't you? You wish you lived in my flat. Well you don't, so there. Anyway, if you did live in my flat you'd have to know the rules to a lot of obscure board games, and actually play said board games, and also be happy to sit watching Price Drop instead of having a bath, and no one wants that.