Care Bears - A friend for Frances

Good afternoon. I remember having this book when I was very small, and absolutely loving it. I was therefore surprised when the time came to acquire a new copy, and I found that it was actually really rare and could now only be found in America. Lord knows how small-me ended up with a copy. One of life's great mysteries. Anyhoo.

So lets bugger right off into a world of schizophrenic children, gambling and time travel in this timeless tome -

There are the Care Bears, and their job is to make you feel all fuzzy and shit. I like Good Luck Bear the best - not only is he upside down, but I like to imagine he would go with you to the betting shop, where he would provide you with a lucky punt, then the two of you would go to the pub to spend all your winnings on Guinness. Also of note is Grumpy Bear. I must say, I always wondered why Grumpy Bear was in this rabble, since his main message appears to be 'everything is crap'. because of this, I like him a lot. Obviously.

And now - onto the story!

Frances is starting at a new school, and is worried about not making any friends. This is because Frances is a loser, and a schizophrenic one at that, as we shall see presently. Is it me or does Frances' mother look younger than her?

Frances snogs her mother and heads to the bus stop.

Now we get to it. Frances, on a completely normal walk to the bus stop, is accosted by a green talking bear. She is not the least bit alarmed by this. "Oh, I had to kill those people, the green bear told me to!" 

Luckily, the green bear asks her to do no such thing (although she'll still probably make that bit up in court later). The bear just gives her a 4 leaf clover. Incidentally, where is her mother when all this is going on? The bus stop is only across the road, so surely her mother would have stood at the door and made sure she got on the bus safely. Perhaps she just can't stand the sight of Frances.

She turns to wave at the bear from the bus, but the bear has disappeared. I am so surprised right now.

Oh for fuck's sake! Frances is so goddamn passive aggressive it hurts. She sits at the back, like right at the back, where no one's been for about three years, then proceeds to bitch when no one talks to her. What's she going to do when she gets to school, lock herself in a cupboard and complain that no one is staring at her? Then she opens her pity party up properly - "Oh, I bet everyone's horrible, I bet everyone will try to kill me, I wish I'd never been born, no one understands me, waaah waaah waaah!"

Ok, maybe I'm being a bit harsh on a fictional 8 year old girl, but come on. Grrr.

Oh, so she had friends before did she? Now I really am surprised. Look, there she goes, into Being A Reasonable Person 101. Ignoring the spirit of the class completely, she begins to obsess over the girl at the pencil sharpener, who Frances wishes she was. She's pretty, and popular, with earrings to die for! In other words, she is a threat to Frances, and must be destroyed immediately. Probably.

Right. So because no one knows you yet, therefore can't make an in joke about you, you feel like everyone hates you. Chill the fuck out you whore.

Ermergerd! Popular girl Holly didn't get an in joke either! But Frances doesn't notice this, because she's busy with Schizo bear again. This time he is floating in mid air.

Oh wait, this is another bear, I see. So she has not just one imaginary bear stalker, but many. Good. 

"If you think about others your wish will come true." In other words, stop being such a selfish bitch Frances. You whore.

Frances eats lunch on her own, but shock horror, so does popular girl Holly! God Frances, do not befriend this girl. She will probably end up stealing your husband when you're grown up. Jus' sayin'.

God, she even has a better lunch box. Seriously Frances, watch out.

Wow, already Holly is being stalked by eager male admirers. oh wait no, They're being dicks.

"Get the fuck off our table" shouts one boy.

"Go fuck yourself" replies Holly.

Unfortunately, the boys then threaten to kill Holly, so she reluctantly leaves. Frances watches this, saying diddly squat. I'm torn here. Is Frances just a pathetic drip? Or has she seen the future courtesy of her magic talking bear friends, and decided to let Holly get killed, thus being able to keep her husband, in a weird Back To The Future knock off I may or may not have just invented?

Oh good, we're back to Frances and her imaginary friends now. Frances has an office chair in her garden, for some reason.

A wild hallucination appears. Frances actually seems surprised now. About fucking time. 

"Which one are you?" she asks. Not -

"Oh God, not again!"

"Am I really going crazy?"

"Where are my pills?"

Note what Frances says here - "I wanted to be nice...but no one talked to me. I was all alone and wished that someone would notice me. I felt awful" (said the accused in court, seven days after gunning down her classmates. "Also, the bear told me to do it.")

Hallucination bear tries to reason with Frances, telling her that Holly must be as unhappy as she is, despite being much, much prettier, and (as we find out later) much, much better at everything. Frances is left pondering while ginger bear scampers behind a tree to have a poo. Guess that answers that question then.

Oh godddd, sports day. the chance for unpopular kids to make loads of new friends. Did I mention that I saw a flying pig yesterday?

So, blah blah blah, Holly wins, of course she bloody does. Therefore, due to a fuck up by a previous runner that wasn't Frances' fault, everyone now loves Holly and hates Frances. 

After the racing fiasco, Frances tries to remember what the hallucination bears kept telling her, but it keeps slipping from her drug addled mind. Something about friends? Something about 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer'? That must have been it, she decides.

Ok, even I feel bad for Frances now. Holly has most probably ruined Frances' life (because, mark my words, she will steal her husband or something in the future). Shoot her now Frances! Now!

Holly tries to suck up to Frances to avoid getting shot in the future.

They make 'friends', but not really. Frances is just keeping Holly close. her diary reads -

"That bitch has no idea. She gave me a silver bracelet today, the idiot. I plan to sell it on Ebay after I've shot her in the future. Also, why do boys smell so much?"

The pair wander off to Frances' house do play dolls or some shit, while the Care Bears inexplicably do a conga behind a hedge. The end. I do hope Frances takes my advice though.

Spooky fun - readers beware indeed...

The other day I went shopping for crap with my mother. We do this quite a lot, coming back with such treasures as a plastic severed hand, a broken Sportacus figure, and Jesus.

On this particular expedition, we traded 39p for a book that promised "petrifying puzzles, dangerous doodles, wicked wordsearches, and lots more..." It also promised to "keep children amused for hours". I would suggest that the actual puzzle part of the book would keep children entertained for perhaps 30 seconds, but hours of fun can be had with the free stickers, placing them on unsuspecting objects/walls/people. Not bad, but we were expecting more for our 39 hard earned pence.

While we had dinner in the pub, we girded our loins and tried to prepare for the most spine chilling extravaganza to have been laid down in print - SPOOKY FUN!

Onto page 1, with sweaty palms and knocking knees (I also aplologise for the quality of the pictures - they were taken with a dodgy camera by a very apathetic me) -

"What kind of creature has appeared in this moonlit clearing? You decide!" So we did. We drew Angela Rippon on a unicycle, being pursued by next door's cat. Scary Darey!

Page 2 is far scarier. Maths! My boyfriend, being a maths teacher, decided he could do this page with ease, before giving up after a minute to watch teleshopping with me. Such is my allure.

"Which of these bells is Quasimodo actually ringing? I'm sure the guy in the picture messaged me on Plenty Of Fish once. I don't care which bell he's ringing.

Draw family members! My mum drew herself, and I drew my dad, trolling a telemarketer. He does that. 

The words they gave me to find were boring, so I found my own. They were -

'Yah' - common form of greeting for posh girls

'Ello' - common for of greeting for me

'Screamo' - which I believe is a popular type of music among 'young people'

'How' - as in 'how the fuck am I still doing this puzzle'

'Dic' - I think they must have forgotten to add the K on the end

'Paracew' - how a toddler pronounces parachute

'Ehow' - a popular website where I learned to knit

According to my mother, our mythical creatures included 'Derek' and 'Gobshite'

Since every number can technically be divided by six, the answer is simple.

Again, I got bored of making crappy words, so I decided to include words from a language I made up just now.

I'm not sure which mummy matches, but they're doing some very fancy dancing.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? I'm a member of Mensa (believe it or not), and during the entrance test there were easier puzzles than this. No one can figure out what the pattern is supposed to be. I cried a bit.

Also included in the book was a colouring in page of the skellington from the Scotch video tape advert, who I love

STICKERS! enough said.

And we come to the end, sadly. I was terrified the whole way through. I needed to go home and have a glass of warm milk to calm down after I got through reading it. 39p well spent I say.

10 things I learned from watching Spongebob Squarepants

I don't just watch Spongebob Squarepants because I have a mental age of five. I also watch it so I can hang on to something resembling a moral compass in my chaotic, cock-fighting life. I tell you, the Bible, the Qur'an, even Lord of the Rings have nothing on the teachings of the spongey guru.

1. Always look on the bright side of things - it's good to be optimistic

   Episode of note - every single one 

You never see Spongebob being a pessimistic, world loathing fuck. That's because Squidward was put in the sea to do just that. While Squidward is attempting to combust with anger, Spongebob can be found following the code set by Tony Robbins, Richard Simmons or similar. And things always turn out alright for Bob, while Squidward generally ends us with a face full of snail poo and his house repossessed.

2. Learn how to laugh at yourself

     Episode of note - "Squirrel Jokes"

It's all very well attempting to make yourself look big by making others look small, but you can guarantee in life that you can't laugh at yourself, everyone else will do it for you. No one ever thought badly of someone who fell over and laughed about it, but plenty thought badly of someone who fell over, then proceeded to cry, blame everyone else, and shit their pants.

3. Pursue your dreams, even if the money is terrible

Episode of note - "Help Wanted"

Spongebob spends his days at the Krusty Krab up to his elbows in grease, scrubbing out toilets, and having to work with Squidward. In one episode it is revealed that Spongebob had to pay Mr Krabs to let him work there in the beginning. Despite this, he's happier than I would be if someone paid me a million quid to go to Alton Towers for the day. Spongebob loves his job. The moral of this story? There's no point earning £10,000 a day if you go into work every morning feeling like... well... like Squidward.

4. One good turn deserves another

Episode of note - "Best Day Ever"

Bob has big plans. He's going to spend the entire day doing all the things he loves with all his best friends. But things don't go to plan, and instead Bob is forced to spend the day sorting out the above friends' individual catastrophes. Instead of branding him a doormat and demanding to borrow fivers, Bob's friends realise what he's done for them, and work together to give him an extra special end to the day (not a "happy ending", you filthy perverts). Spongebob ends up having a better time than, say, if he'd just stood around and let everyone die.

5. Never stop trying

Episode of note - any where Spongebob takes, and fails, his driving test

Spongebob will pass his driving test one day. This is a certainty. However, it wouldn't be a certainty if Spongebob gave up and decided to get the bus for the rest of his life instead. Where would we be if everyone decided to give up and 'get the bus'? Nothing great would ever be achieved, nothing great would have been invented, England would never have won the World Cup, and the buses would be awfully crowded.

6. You're braver than you think

Episode of note - "Roller Cowards"

People tell me I do brave things. I have tattoos, I go on rollercoasters. I've even been known to eat my mother's infamous sausage curry. I'm not a particularly brave person, in fact I'm scared of most things most of the time. However, I feel the fear and do it anyway. Once you make up your mind to do that, it's amazing what kind of things you can achieve. Whether it's riding the Fiery Fist O Pain, or asking out your crush, life becomes more exciting when the thought of possibly soiling yourself doesn't stop you. 

7. Don't fall for scams - or - if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is

Episode of note - "Karate Island"

"Spongebob, you've been crowned King of Karate despite not being very good. Please come and accept your award." "Jenny, I am a Nigerian prince who needs your help to transfer my vast fortune to the UK." "You, yes you, can lose three stone in just three days, by eating only chocolate!" "With my genuine magic powers, I can make the man of your dreams fall in love with you for only 6 easy payments of £1,999." Do you see?

8. Everyone has a talent

Episode of note - "Big Pink Loser"

We're not all supermodels, or nuclear physicists, or Olympic athletes. And trust me, it's not easy being all three. But Naomi Campbell couldn't understand quantum entanglement (or Quantum dishwashing powder). Stephen Hawking might never win 'Miss Butlins Bikini'. And I'm pretty sure Usain Bolt couldn't do a spot on impression of her majesty Mrs Queen. We all bring something different to the party, as Patrick finds out in this episode. He won't win any prizes trying to beat Spongebob at his game, but he wins one by playing his own game. He is the best at doing nothing, and doing nothing is definitely a talent. Again, trust me on that.

9. Don't try to be something you're not

Episode of note - "No Weenies Allowed"

On a similar note to above, it does not do to pretend to be something that goes against your very nature in order to impress someone else, or to prove a point. Not only will you probably fail and look stupid, but have you thought about what you'd do if you actually succeeded? No, neither have I, because I've never succeeded at anything. But suppose you did, are you prepared for this occurrence? Best case scenario - you'll have to keep up the pretense forever. Worst case scenario - you'll get injured and end up in Weenie Hut General with a boo-boo. Stick to who you are, and if people don't like it, chances are they suck and they're not worth your time anyway.

10. Sit there and do nothing, and the Magic Conch will take care of everything

Episode of note - "Club Spongebob"

If you ever find yourself stranded in the woods, you don't have to worry. Just ask the Magic Conch what you should do. If it says "do nothing", then that is what you must do. Have faith, and a picnic table full of food will eventually fall out of the sky. This last one was a bit of a joke, but thinking about it, I guess you could also say 'stop worrying so much, because things will generally turn out ok in the end'. Unless you don't have a Magic Conch, then you're screwed.

Jerry Springer vs. Jeremy Kyle (or how I learned to stop worrying and hope for the fucking bomb)

No matter who you are, there's always someone who makes you relieved to be you. For us in Britain and the U.S, it tends to be the various circus performers that make up an episode of a talk show. For those people, well, at least they didn't marry their sister/have sex for a fiver. If they did, well...well...at least they're not dead.

Shows like Springer and Kyle have a very special place in society – as a sort of holding pen for the deranged and the socially/sartorially unstable among us. 

Our American readers might be familiar with Jeremy Kyle, as he was recently farmed out to the U.S. for a bit to give the rest of us a fucking break. You guys seemed to warm to him, yet inexplicably we now have him back. On the other hand, I'm not sure how you guys feel about Jerry Springer, but us Brits have definitely adopted him. Trade?

But would you want to trade, and more to the point, would we? Do we maybe have the better deal with Kyle? I'm going to look into this, but the answer is probably no.

Round one – host likeability

Springer appears to win this round hands down at first, because people actually like him. And it's not hard to see why people like Jerry – he has an affable, easy going nature and seems to be offended by nothing at all. Even KKK members on his stage shouting “Die, Jew boy” don't faze him. The other side of this is that Jerry could perhaps be accused of being too easy going. His habit of poking fun at guests, even when they appear to be having a nervous breakdown, could lose him some points.

Kyle has no such problems. If anyone even remotely hints at smiling on his stage, he has them carted off and appears to take personal offence. Misery peddling is a serious business to Kyle, and he's not about to let some upstart in the studio make it look like entertainment.

The common consensus in Britain is that Kyle is everything Springer is not – judgemental, hyper serious and completely unable to crack a smile.

Winner – Jerry Springer


Round two – insane behaviour

A typical episode of either of these shows doesn't include debate about Ibsen. Generally it's people who have been caught screwing someone else. Usually there is a petrol station involved, for some reason. Occasionally an episode will centre around someone's who's done-something-fucking-stupid. Maybe they have a life size tattoo of Justin Bieber covering their body, or maybe they traded their house for a bra. Granted, Springer has the more insane guests, but Kyle more than makes up for this with his incensed reactions to anyone doing anything out of the ordinary, so it's a tough one to call. Since everyone appears to be insane on Springer, you can sometimes become desensitised, and for this reason I think I'm going to have to go with Kyle – quality over quantity.

Winner – Jeremy Kyle


Round three – audience interaction

The Springer Show is widely regarded as a free for all – a veritable hotbed of debate. Audience participation is encouraged, even rewarded (if you get your tits out). Kyle's audience, meanwhile, is encouraged to sit obediently around him like disciples of some kind. Speaking without putting your hand up and waiting your turn is severely dealt with, usually by a harsh look from Kyle.

Since the reason we tune into these shows is to watch goons fighting, surely this enjoyment is multiplied when the audience gets involved with the fist happy fun as well?

Winner – Jerry Springer


Round four – level of actual help provided

Although neither show is ever going to produce anything like a U.N. approved treaty, it must be said that Kyle overtakes Springer by leaps and bounds here. Kyle's backstage team includes counselling “genius”/Gary Glitter lookalike Graham Stainer, on hand to offer advice and kleenex. All Springer's guests have appears to be a pole to dance around. To be fair, this method of settling disputes seems to work surprisingly well; I may try It myself sometime.

Winner – Draw


Round five – fights (frequency of and reaction to)

I'm not sure there can be much debate here, certainly not as much as there is on Springer. Springer fighting is so frequent that they now have a bell at the ready to divide an episode into rounds. The security guards don't so much secure as stand there and laugh. Kyle's show couldn't be further from this – at the slightest hint of aggression, his henchmen arrive to carry the perpetrator off under one arm. If by some slim chance a contestant on the Kyle show does manage to get a sly punch past the guards, rest assured the show will A) not be aired and B) make the national newspapers -

PS nice advert, very appropriate

In other words – Kyle and his henchmen spoil everyone's fun.

Winner – Jerry Springer 


Looking at the evidence brought forth by this impartial scientific study – are you sure you guys don't want to trade?

I don't remember an American Gladiator called facelift...

This dude -

Look at this dude, with his small head and his lovely blue bra. I found him the other day in a charity shop, 50p well spent I say. I know he's some kind of American Gladiator, or he was in a past life, but apart from that I'm rather stumped. Obviously his hands were made to hold a big phallic pugil stick, but I can't find a corresponding real gladiator to match him.

There are so many things I love about this dude, but I especially love the oversized arms that are bigger than his legs, the tiny head that may or may not be the head he was born with, the gelled back grey hair, and the manic grin plastered across his chops -

He looks like a smooth old man who's had extensive surgery, botox or similar. Further proof of this is the way his head is a different colour to his body.

I had to buy this dude because, as a child, I used to stay up late once a week to watch American Gladiators on ITV Nightshift. I'd tune in just in time to see the closing credits of The Equalizer, then a whole, heady hour of pugilistic fun. Although in reality it was probably more like eight minutes before I fell asleep with my face pressed up against the screen.

Since no one I've asked knows who his real life counterpart is, we've decided to call him Jesus.

Rainbow annual 1983 - the letter F was invented the year I was born

I was perusing the 1983 Rainbow annual, as I sometimes do. This has a special place in my heart because I was born in 1983. Not really, it's just that all the others are in a box underneath other boxes, and I can't be arsed to get them.

Geoffrey's youth and Bungle's hairiness aren't the issues here - what I'm more concerned with is a full page, illustrated tribute to words beginning with the letter F -

"There are lots of things in the picture beginning with the letter F. How many can you find?" Okey dokey then, challenge accepted. Here is my list -

1. Fat man cooking fish
2. Fish being cooked by a fat man
3. Fruit on a plate that looks like some tits
4. Fucking stupid haircut
5. Fucking stupid dungarees
6. Fire burning the fat man's balls
7. Faeces (in the orange baby's nappy)
8. Fancy picnic rug
9. Fapping (out of shot)
10. Fictional family (I can tell this because they all get along)

I think my answers are all 100% correct, and I will bitchslap anyone who says otherwise.