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Friday, 8 June 2012

Vicky the transgender Viking and the pipe cleaners

My friend asked me to review this show. My friend must hate me, and I have spent the time since beginning this review wondering what the hell I could have done to annoy him so much.

By the way, as with most of my reviews, this will only make sense if you watch along with me. Now that disclaimer is out of the way, I am cleared of any future wrongdoing whatsoever.

Oh, and ALSO, the Wikipedia entry for VTV has Vicky down as being a boy. This is bullshit for two reasons. Firstly, her name is Vicky. Granted, that might be a translation thing, so I'll move onto the second problem. Vicky wears a dress. Actually, upon closer inspection, is it actually a dress? It might just be a really girly looking tunic. But parents take note – if you want your child to grow up of the male persuasion, do not name him Vicky and make him wear a dress. Especially if he's a fucking Viking.

So – video first -

Also here is the Youtube link, so no one else will moan about how they can't possibly scroll down and watch, and I might possibly be spared life for murder - Youtube Vicky

Oh Jesus Christ, this theme tune is an hour long. The only theme tune longer than this is Willy Fog Willy Fog theme tune hell

and that ended up being rather jaunty so all was forgiven. This, however, is a load of old men down the pub moaning about how their ex wives have stung them for every penny.

Not even 40 seconds in and I'm going for a well deserved cigarette.

Ok this must be episode 1, since a bit of Viking history is given. Here we are told that our heroes are setting forth to “raid and plunder”. No raping and pillaging then. That must be in episode 2.

I must say though, the animation reminds me of Smallfilms (Oliver Postgate and Peter Firmin – Clangers, Bagpuss etc), so this is a redeeming feature. Actually, upon further investigation (clicking on one page), I realise it reminds me of Noggin The Nog. 

Their flag – is it a viking hat, or is it Patrick Star doing a muscleman pose?

So – plot (I use the term loosely). Bla bla bla, they are returning to their village, bla bla bla, and a man who looks like a rat comes in his pants, bla bla bla.

At around 2:50, lift/elevator music starts to play.

The Viking's milkshake has brought all the wenches to the yard. Yay verily.

Oh good, someone sent me a request in Bubble Safari. Any excuse to stop watching this.

Suddenly, an old man juggles some children.

Oh my god, so Vicky really is a boy? “Where's my son Vicky?” pretty much confirms that.

Bla bla bla, the Vikings are still doing all their homecoming crap, bla bla bla.

“I know where Vicky is, he's me, in this dress, as usual.”

But wait! Vicky's off being chased by a wolf? This shit could get good! But no. In the next second we see “him” being chased by the skinniest animal in the world – a wolf made out of pipe cleaners, and not even real pipe cleaners. This wolf is about as scary as my dad when he's making a nice cup of tea.

From the noises Vicky is making, I suspect “he” rather likes being chased by this wolf.

So far, a grand total of FUCK ALL has happened.
Hahahahahah I do love the main Viking dude's wife though. Upon returning from months or years of pillaging upon the high seas, she just says - “Oh, it's you”

When I am prime minister I shall give that woman a title. For cash, obviously.

Wait, why is the Viking husband suddenly Scottish at 5:20?

Ok for the first time in this episode I laughed. I laughed til I snorted. Firstly, the awesome wife just shrugs off her not coming to meet her husband by saying “Oh I had loads to do”. Secondly, the Scottish husband expresses his displeasure by blowing a horn at her. Not smacking her upside the head as I expected (and hoped).

Also, why is the wife talking like Joanna Lumley?

This face. Remember this face. For she will surely become ruler of the great earth before our time is come and gone, such is her wisdom and general reluctance to listen to her husband's insane fuckage. I don't know her name, but I'm going to call her Joanna.

No, the wolves were scared of you because they were underfed mutts, and you had a big stick. Get over yourself Hamish.

I missed how Vicky killed that pipe cleaner wolf, because I was texting my friend. I'm not sorry.

Are you seriously telling me that's a boy? I have twin nephews his age – they have farting competitions and play Grand Theft Auto. They do not fluff their hair and run away screaming from pipe cleaners.

We now have a Road Runner/Carry on type of scene, wherein the wolf gets bashed but appears to get off on it.

Incidentally, pause the video at any point between 8:09 and 8:12, and you get animal porn. Jus' sayin.

I'm sorry, I gave up at 8:54 – this is just not my cup of tea at all. Maybe one day, when I'm feeling braver, I'll go back and finish the quest. Until then, it's on Youtube if you particularly hate yourself.

I don't know what part 2 is and I don't fucking care.

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