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Friday 29 November 2013

Christmas cracker crap 2013

Good evening nerds and serial killers of the internet. One of the things I love to do is pull Christmas crackers and see what tat awaits me inside. I think I bought this year's first box of crackers in September, because that's how cool I am. Allow me to show you some of the life-enhancing sundries me and the mister have collected so far, along with the jokes, half of which make little to no sense and were probably translated from Latvian or something.


2 dimensional plastic car -


Good for sticking to the window to make people think there is a flying car outside.

Joke -

Q -Why do giraffes get Christmas gifts every year?
A – They are so good that they'll stick their necks out for anyone!”

Jigsaw -


Sorry for the spoiler, but it's going to be a parrot -


The warning label is not part of the finished jigsaw.

Unfortunately, I couldn't do it, and had to get the mister to help me. This makes me sad.

Joke -

Q – If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
A – Missile Toe” Mistletoe – geddit? Me neither.

Cookie cutters -


A Christmas tree and a bellend.

Joke -

Q – Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners the most?
A – 'Rude'-olph!”

Rubber -


Cue giggling from my American readers because I got a rubber.

Joke -

Q – What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A – Frostbite!”

Comb -


I love combs. Who doesn't? Unfortunately, the mister has decided to own this one to comb his beard, so he can look even more swish.

Joke -

Q – How do you stop a skunk smelling?
A – Hold its nose!”

Jumping frog -


Nothing remotely bad to say about this – everyone loves jumping frogs. Especially when they are yellow.

Joke -

Q – What's an airline pilot's favourite crisps?
A – Plain.” 







Wednesday 27 November 2013

Starting on Sunday – the World Of Crap advent calendar!

Look out for my daily festive countdown spectacular!


Starring Roy Walker, dinosaurs, a bottle of gin, and much more!



Tuesday 26 November 2013

Old adverts I love part 4

This is developing into an ongoing saga, so parts 1, 2 and 3 can be found below -




I keep stumbling across adverts I used to go nuts over as a kid. I only stumble across them by accident, while I happen to be googling '80s adverts'. This latest part of my journey into insanity is a collection of adverts that have stayed with me for the creepy music and/or the general mood they evoke. For some reason these adverts have become etched in my memory in slightly unsettling ways. This might become easier to explain as we go along -

1. Castrol GTX -


It's the music, man. Seriously. Probably the dark room containing liquid with a life of its own doesn't help either. I was transfixed by this advert as a pup, it looked nightmarish and dystopian to me, a bit like how the future was going to look when everyone died and all that was left was some oil that ran round doing what it wanted.

2. St Ivel Gold -


A very relaxing Enya type track accompanies someone windsurfing down a road, if that's even a thing. I think the general message is that if you eat St Ivel Gold low fat spread, you'll feel relaxed enough to not care if you're sailing into oncoming traffic.

3. Sanatogen -


I don't know why this used to creep me out. I think it was probably the weird scribbly animation, where things change into people and back into things, and all the time some woman is asking you if you feel all right, in an oddly threatening way.

4. BSB satellite TV -


Dear lord, where do I start with this? The weird irrelevant wolf thing at the beginning? The apocalyptic lighting and soundtrack? And what is that kid laughing at out of his bedroom window? This advert would be scary enough even if it was for something mundane like toilet roll. As it is, it was for the unknown and mysterious 'satellite TV' – no one quite knew what it was meant to be or how it was meant to work – just that it was all going on completely undetected, unless you bought a special magic box, and then you could be party to all kinds of secrets, and programmes broadcast live from other dimensions. That's how it felt, anyway.

5. P&O ferries -


This one is the creepiest, because I seem to have imagined it. Ok – back in the 80s/early 90s I SWEAR I remember an advert similar to the animation above, except it had the following song playing over the top of it -


I've never been as sure of anything as I am that this advert was real, yet no record of it exists, and no record exists of “La Mer” ever being used in an advert for anything. But this raises two questions. One – how the hell have I known that song my whole life? Two – if P&O didn't use this song, why the hell not? It was perfect for their European ferry ads. This fake advert has puzzled me for years. Do you guys ever have something you remembered really clearly, only to find out it never existed? Or is it just me? Am I actually insane? I need a cup of tea now.

I R Iran!

Saw this on Sky News this morning -


Now all I can think about is this guy -


Monday 25 November 2013

A collection of love letters

When the mister came to bed the other night, he said “Sorry I've been so long, I've been sat on the toilet reading my spam emails.” As you do. My curiosity was piqued, so when he offered to read aloud from his correspondence I said yes, even though I had to be up in the middle of the bloody night the next day.

I'm glad I stayed awake, because now I know that there are up to 30 (possibly more) Eastern European ladies just waiting for their chance to have a date and some sexy time with the mister. This is not surprising in itself – ladies fawn over him as if he was made of chocolate – but it does surprise me that he is so famous that ladies like 'Ekaterina' will risk their husbands' wrath just to write and ask him for some sex.

Allow me to show you the lovely young ladies competing with me for my boyfriend's affection, and their letters to him -


Maria -

Hello my beautiful man. My name is Maria. I am writing to you to meet you and spend time together. Now I'm in your town,
and I can see you, I have a few days for us to meet, then I'm leaving. I really want to man's affection, as I have not had
a man with whom I would have been good. I do not want to waste time and immediately tell us how to meet. Register online
SEXCHATFORYOU and find me on the nickname MARIALAV I'm waiting for you on the site, please write to me very quickly want
to see you live.

Here is a photo of Maria. She looks demure -


Tatyana -

Good day! It would be very nice to meet you. I am a simple Russian girl. My name is Tatyana I am from Russia. My birthday
is 30.09.1986. I am 27 years old. I'm looking for a serious relationship only. I hope that you are a serious man, and we
get to know you. Tell me about yourself and send your photos. I send my pictures as well. I hope that we like each other!
Write me back, I'll be waiting for your letter. Tatyana

Tatyana is not as naked -


Anna -

Hello my dear friend! My name is Anna
Now I'm in town for work, all my business I had already finished and I have free time.
I will be 7 days absolutely free, so am looking for a meeting with a man in this city.
Just want to say that I was not interested in anything except a depraved and mad mad sex.
Personally, you got my attention and I want to spend time alone with you in your tender embrace.
Here is how we meet. I am in a hotel and do not want to attract the attention of the hotel management
So it is better for us to meet on your site. To contact me, register online YOURBESTSEXONLINE and find me by nick
sex33 I'll wait for you in front of online webcam.
There is information of my whereabouts, my photos and my phone number to contact
as soon as you register you call me at the number in my profile. I'm waiting and I miss one in a foreign city.
PS I beg you to find me on the website within 7 days. I'll wait for you.

Anna, sadly, has no photo, so this is what I imagine she looks like -


Ekaterina (written in the form of a poem for some reason) -

Hello!
From time to time I thought I'd make friends.
I also thought about writing a message.
He inspired in me someideas.
Can you remember the past. my age 26 years and the date
I was born July 12.
whenthat was magnificent for you to be with someone?
When the person has feltfondness.
When did you realize that you will appreciate and care ofeach other.
really rare I remember the feelings I felt.
In those rare moments when you feel the magic man withanother bond.
Whether you wishto repeat this? If you want it, write me. Do not forget to send us your photo.
You wrote to me on the dating site, where were our profiles.
Even though it was already a long time ago. But I hope will get acquainted with you. My name is Ekaterina.
I live in Saratov (Russian Federation)

I saved the best and most insane one for last -

Hello sexy man. How are you? I hope that this letter will give you a smile on your face and a charge of positive mood. My
name is Veronica I am 37 years old. I beg you to give me 3 minutes of attention. Finish reading this letter to the end and
you will find the answers to all the questions. I think that you are very interested from where I learned how to find you.
Your Email Address has informed my friend. You met her on a dating site. I saw your photo. I told my friend that I like
you, and that soon I'll be in your town. And she gave me your Email. I quite forgot to tell you where I'm from. I was born
and live in Russia. I work in the field of trade. I am the director of a cosmetic company. I do not need the money and not
looking for a sponsor for life. In your country, I arrived for a meeting with business partners. But after a long and
tedious negotiations, I decided to have a vacation. Now I want to go to the very essence of the letter to you. Now I'm in
your town, and will be another 2 weeks. You're a handsome man, and I would like to spend the holiday with you. All
financial costs of our stay, I accept. I have money and I'm able to make your life sweet. I beg you to meet me. I'm bored
and lonely in this city. Now I do not want to return to Russia, because I do not want to see her man. I forgot to tell you
that I have a Russian man. It is very bad for sex and I do not have enough male attention. I hope you understand what I'm
trying to hint to you. I want to have a holiday romance is with you. My man is a very jealous person and he is constantly
watching my Email. He knows the username and password from my Email. So he constantly takes the printout of my calls and
SMS / I'm risking the fact that I write to you. I'm afraid that he learns about my letter to you, and then he will file
for divorce. No I am not afraid that he would leave me. I am afraid that he will want to take away from me 50% of my
company. I worry that if he finds out about my change once he goes to court and will work to ensure that he would give
half of what I have. But I very much want to meet you. And for this, I'm going to take that risk. All I ask of you, do not
write to me at Email I suggest you talk to you on a dating site. There we are free to make an appointment. I'm begging you
do not answer me on my Email I'll wait for you on the site :YOURBESTSEXONLINE, My NIC Veronicasexxy On it you can find me
and send me a message. I think that you're already tired of reading this letter, and I think that I must finish it. I just
want to say to you. What no one knows what will happen in the future. Perhaps what we're made for each other. On it I
finish the letter to you. I hope that soon you will write to me on the site. I kiss and embrace you tenderly my sexy man
from the Internet. PS I love sex and I'm willing to spend with you insanely sexy night....

Here is she -


Also, I am aware that there are more naughty ladies wishing to seduce my boyfriend -

We wanted to inform you that there are 33 naughty women (possibly more) in your city that are seeking men to have an affair with this weekend.

Hands off, bitches.That is all.

Friday 22 November 2013

The worst arcade in Wales

I've been wanting to write about this place for about a month now, but never got round to it. Now the mister is playing Mass Effect, and I've gorged myself on tea and biscuits, I feel the time is right.


Last month we took a trip up to North Wales to visit my dad. While we were there we came across a treasure trove so amazing, so beautiful, that I'm starting to think it's actually a place of worship. It's got to be more than just a rubbish arcade, because it made me so happy -


We'd been in once before for a brief look around, and this time we were ready with a camera. We sat in the car outside finishing our ice creams and watching other people going inside. We took bets on how long it would be before they came out again – the average time was about 37 seconds.

We're not like those losers, we'll spend the proper amount of time in there in order to show you around the worst/best/most entertaining arcade in Wales.

Here is the general feel of the place. I don't know if the air hockey table works or not – I think it was the only machine we didn't try. The puzzled looking gentleman on the right is my dad! I think he's wondering why the hell we've brought him in here.


Worlds smallest bowling alley. I think if the mister had a lie down on here his head would actually touch the pins. Assuming there are any pins, which there aren't.


All the fun of the Rio carnival! This might actually been one of the few coin pushers that didn't have coins jammed in the slots -


Oh wait no, it did -


1p olden days game! Has a p stuck in it.


Gipsy” mini fruit machine. Guess whether it has a coin stuck in the slot or not -


The other side of the Rio Carnival coin pusher – look at all those prizes to be won!



A claw game with nothing to win but gravel -


This makes us sad.


Roulette! I think the mister actually won 12p on this or something. Slightly marred by the fact that someone has left a takeaway lid on it -


We found a prize! I was determined to win it, even if just to find out what the hell it's supposed to be.


Another claw game – I'm glad they clarified this -


Especially since it wasn't on display anywhere else.


Oh look – more prizes to win.


This machine pays out for matching up the animal body parts. In theory anyway. In reality it stole 4p off us.


Oh the glamour! Just seeing this sign immediately transports me to Monte Carlo -


Especially when you see the electronics. Who decided to make that socket a thing?


And there we have it. I think we actually lost more money than we spent, and I'm not sure how that's even possible, but a jolly 20 minutes was had by all. Although I never did win that weird orange thing.

Christmas 1987...

Christmas is coming to World Of Crap next week, so here's a little something to get you in the festive mood -


(uploaded by bbctim123)

Thursday 21 November 2013

Pound shop Transformers – there should be a society against this kind of cruelty

Another excursion to the pound shop, to buy this monstrosity -


I think it's meant to be some sort of Transformer.

This is less 'robots in disguise', more 'robots in terrible pain'. I'm pretty sure if this guy had a speech chip, he'd say “please god help me, kill me now, put me out of my misery.”



I have proof that the robot is meant to be hideously deformed -


Also, what kind of name is Knuckle breaker? That's far too Kray twins for my liking. What are his friends called – Kneecap Smasher and Eyeball Gouger?

He has a pet too -


A cat that I think he's meant to ride, but which is about the same size as his head, so it just looks like he's picking the cat up by his muscular thighs -


In case you're wondering, our friend transforms into some kind of plane. But the mister did it then undid it, and now I can't get him to be a plane again. Never mind, I'm sure you'll cope.

I don't think the cat has a name, so I'm going to call him Larry. Fuck it, I'm going to rename Knuckle Breaker too, because the poor guy deserves a chance in life. I'm going to call him Malcolm. Malcolm Smytheson.

Mars, cucumbers and holidaying in Norfolk - my top 10 Rod Jane and Freddy songs

Regular readers will know that I love Rainbow. I would marry it if I could. But then, I'm a terrible one for wanting to marry things you can't actually marry – last night I bought a jar of gingerbread flavoured coffee syrup, and I just stood in the kitchen hugging it until the mister got jealous. I should explain that I've been looking for that stuff for a long time, not that I just found it attractive.

That whole thing sounded better in my head.

Anyway. I love Rainbow, but I don't write much about Rod Jane and Freddy, the show's veteran musical group, because I am usually too busy writing about Bungle's nipples or something.

Rod, Jane and Freddy were mostly famous for knowing songs about bloody everything ever, from going to India to being a milk bottle. In a moment of boredom, I started thinking about my favourite RJF songs. At first I didn't know if I'd be able to come up with ten, but then I began to realise how much their songs stuck in my mind. Sometimes I do catch myself trying to hum their tunes, which is difficult because they generally change octave about six times per song, due to all three of them having solo parts. With all the harmonies going on, you never quite know which bit you're supposed to be singing at any given moment. I suppose I could get really good at science and invent cloning so i can sing all of it, but I'm not that bothered.


Here are my ten favourite RJF songs - my choices are based on which ones have the catchiest tunes, which ones I loved as a kid, and ones where Rod has fetching hair in the video. Look out for videos where Freddy looks particularly like Lovejoy.


1. “If you're going camping too” - from Camping preparation


This song seriously has about four notes in it the whole way through, but I challenge you to hear it and not find yourself singing it later on today. Bonus points for Freddy's shorts.

2. “On the narrow boat” - from Journey on a narrow boat


The most chilled out song you will ever hear, and matching jumpers for good measure.

3. “We're all together” - from Journey by coach


Catchy as hell, but what really makes this song special is its appearance in another episode, enabling Bungle to fanny about pretending to be Jane -


4. “Da di da di dum dum” - from The hare and the tortoise


An inspiring song about trying to do stuff, because you never know, you might not actually fail miserably. A few years ago, this song was my morning alarm call on my phone, and now I can't hear it without feeling a bit weird and sleepy, but I still love it.

5. “The bits n pieces song” - from Music


The most obviously dubbed over song in the world, but oh so jaunty. Wins a prize for the kazoo solos alone.

6. “Red Balloon” - from Daydreaming


A lovely song with a failure to grasp even the most basic principles of space travel.

7. “Sports day” - from (unsurprisingly) Sports day


Bonus points for shorts again, and also for having Geoffrey dicking about in the background. Plus, they point out that the best you'll probably ever do is to come last at everything. It's like they've met me.

8. “You're not helping” - from Helping out


Not sure of the proper title, but it's an intricate rock opera about Alice trying to get a tea party ready while the mad hatter and the hare dick about and keep getting in the way. Watch out for the part where Freddy, dressed as the hare (in an overgrown Pipkins nightmare) shouts “cucumbers!” for no apparent reason.

9. “Lions and tigers” - from Lions and tigers


Peril! The gang get their Steve Irwins on and sing about the dangers of being in the jungle. Why Rod is trying to be Vincent Price or something at the start is a mystery.

10. “Having a picnic” - from Day in the country


Another song I loved as a kid. Bonus points for having Geoffrey sing along. They point out in the song that the birds can sing along if they want to, but they fail to realise that they've probably scared all the birds away with their banjoing.

Maybe I'll do a part 2 to this, because I keep finding songs I'd forgotten about. And obviously I need to write about Rod Jane and Freddy's various Christmas offerings. I won't do it right now though, I have a Toblerone to eat first.



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Wednesday 20 November 2013

My big TV occasions

I've just read a forum discussion on people's favourite TV moments, which has inspired me to write this list. I think compared to many people, I've had relatively few massive TV events in my life – programmes that you sit down to watch with other people, and hand round nibbles, and everyone is on their best behaviour. But I can think of a few, and now I'm going to bore you for ten minutes by telling you about them.


William and Kate's wedding -


I'm not entirely sure why I went so insane over K-Willz's wedding, apart from it just seemed like the thing to do - everyone was going nuts making plans for TV parties. Since I was at university and didn't have a TV, I went over to a guy friend's house and commandeered his for the day. He didn't mind because he wasn't asked.
The wedding should have made me run a mile, because I was getting over a bad break up at the time. Normally, the last thing I wanted to do was sit there watching two people squish over each other and have lots of money. But something in me thought that I shouldn't let that stop me being party to this occasion. Most generations have a royal wedding, and this was mine. I wasn't going to let some philandering git spoil it for me.

Naturally, we were all a bit pissed by lunchtime so don't ask me about the ins and outs of the coverage. But we did all agree on one thing, which I'm sure you've seen many times before -


Reality show finals -


Aw, you beat a disabled lad. Well done.

Mostly Britain's Got Talent, Stars In Their Eyes and The Apprentice. I'm not much of a one for reality shows, but I do watch Britain's Got Talent religiously. Which lucky act will win some money and then never get mentioned ever again? Will it be Charlie the cheese juggling monkey? The amazing three-nippled Terence? Or will it be one of the plucky young pop singers that didn't fancy their chances on The X Factor?
I love TV talent shows, but I'm indifferent about pure singing shows (Stars in their eyes doesn't count in my opinion – it's still enough of a freak show to make it interesting).

When there's a half decent reality show final scheduled, me and whoever can stand my company for the evening will stock up on crisps and nuts and beer, smugly convinced that our favourite is going to win with 200% of the phone vote. This hardly ever turns out to be the case, and our champion will usually come about seventh, even when there are only five acts on the show.

The Brookside body under the patio -


I bloody loved Brookside. When I was a kid I used to sit and watch it with my parents, and to my childish mind, drama couldn't possibly get any more dramatic. This was because Brookside was known for having forward thinking and edgy storylines that other soaps wouldn't touch.

I recently bought this DVD which brought back memories of me being glued to the screen as a child, not entirely sure what was going on, but feeling full of peril nonetheless.

By far the most terror inducing plot my young mind witnessed was the Mandy and Trevor Jordache 'Body under the patio' story. For those of who who never saw Brookside, this should explain it. See, the body under the patio story even has it's own entry on Brookside's Wikipedia page. So there.

Being about nine, I never fully understood what was going on during the domestic abuse storyline, but I knew Trevor was a bad man. So I rooted for Mandy and Beth, and rejoiced (sort of) when they finally managed to kill him. Then I witnessed them desperately shoving his body under the patio. Even though I knew it was Trevor under there, still I recoiled and yelped in horror when Eddie the neighbour came across his rotting hand -


This led to the Jordaches being arrested, and subsequently to the 'Free the Jordache two' campaign across British media. Me being nine and stupid, I thought they were really in prison, and that it was up to the British public to get them out. Although my little self ranted and raved, it didn't do any good, and ultimately I had to rely on the producers of the show to release them from prison. Well, one of them – Beth Jordache sadly died, rendering her ineligible for parole. Sob, cry. 


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Thursday 14 November 2013

Bullseye - even if you win, you really lose

I've been wanting to write about Bullseye for a while now, but have never truly felt up to the task. If I feel like that normally, then I'm probably even less up to the task now, sitting on my sofa feeling sorry for myself with a bad cold and a stomach ache. But hey ho, it's better than pottering around my flat muttering to myself, which I intend to do later.


These days, Bullseye is the go to default programme for me and the mister. We currently have around 6000 episodes recorded on our Sky Plus box. And I repeat – each episode is exactly the same. That's one of the wonderful things about Bullseye – it never makes you try too hard. It's familiar and reassuring, like comfort food or a hot bath. Only this is a hot bath containing Jim Bowen, which raises more questions than it answers.


Once I start talking about Jim Bowen, I find it hard to stop. I am endlessly fascinated by the man Рhis perma-sad face, the way he seems to have been 53 all his life, his odd one liners that don't really go anywhere, his knack for accidentally insulting contestants by asking them personal questions. You may think I'm being sarcastic РI am not. I genuinely love Jim Bowen. These days it's a bit of a clich̩ to claim that he was a bit rubbish as a host, but he was nothing of the sort. He just had idiosyncracies that made him far more entertaining and interesting to watch than Vernon Fucking Kay.

Also, I'm not sure why I'm using the past tense to talk about Jim – the guy isn't dead, far from it if this photo is anything to go by -


Little quirks aside, when we watch Bullseye, we always find Jim to be laid back and approachable. The right words might not always have come out of his mouth, but you always knew what he meant to say, and that's what counts. More importantly, he didn't feel the need to constantly shout in everyone's face like so many presenters do these days. Also, he had the best line in suits that looked a bit like they were offcuts from DFS -


I'll stop there, because I don't want this post to just be me crapping on about how much I love Jim Bowen. It should also contain me crapping on about how much I love Bullseye as a show.

As I started to say earlier but then forgot for some reason, I was never really enamoured with Bullseye as a kid, although I did quite like the bit where the prize board revolved and everyone shouted 'Gamble!'

I'm getting ahead of myself here. The point is that my parents watched Bullseye, and apart from the prize board bit I just kind of had to sit there and wait for something more interesting to come on, like Surprise Surprise, or That's Life, or whatever the hell used to be on after Bullseye. Maybe it's a nostalgia thing, or maybe I just wasn't capable of appreciating the show as a kid, I don't know.

Since every episode is exactly the same, I guess I can just choose any one to use as an example. I should stick to one, for the sake of continuity, so here is a random one from Youtube -

Watch along link - PART 1  PART 2

We start with the brilliant opening titles. In the early episodes this was a cartoon featuring the manliest pub in the world -


And later on it was a frightening bus and dart commute to work for Bully -


The opening titles were always accompanied by the same jangly Chas n Dave style music, written by John Patrick.

After the opening titles, the big man himself makes his entrance, down those fabled stairs. Sometimes he stops to have an awkward chat with some old ladies in the audience, other times he might read out a humorous local newspaper clipping about himself. This time though, he gets straight down to business and introduces the contestants. Note how he never tells you where the contestants live, only the TV service they receive. In some episodes he just says 'please welcome Bob and Steve from Anglia TV, as if they actually work for Anglia TV, or they live in the studios.

Here is our contestant line up -


Me and the mister usually pick our winners from the line up based on who has the best moustache, or the most fetching mullet. Bonus points are awarded if the pair are wearing matching outfits, or if a pair contains a woman one, especially if she's manlier than all the men.

Couple number two clearly has the moustache, the matching outfits and the woman one, so they're our favourites to win. However, likely to come up on the outside is couple number three, by virtue of the guy on the right. Everything about him screams awesome.

Jim warms up the contestants by having light hearted exchanges with them, such as the following (from different episodes but 100% true, I swear) -

Jim - “Now then, I hear you're a widower. So how long has your wife been dead?”

and

Jim - “Now then, are you married?”

Contestant - “No.”

Jim - “Are you engaged?”

Contestant - “No.”

Jim - “Well are you courting?”

Contestant - “No.”

Jim (in a camp voice) - “Oh dear, I'm worried about you.”

Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, it's time to begin the show proper. The first couple of rounds are question rounds; the categories are decided by the dart playing half of the couples hurling darts at a special category board, attempting to hit the subject their partner has requested -


What usually happened was that the non dart player would request 'books', and would end up with 'sport'. If a question was answered correctly, the team would receive points, which translated into real live pounds!

Since Bullseye was a fight to the death, the couple who had won the least money by the end of the question rounds was eliminated. This is normally the couple that we want to win. Such is life.

Looking at the score so far, I suspect this is going to be another of those times -


Sadly, I am right. We have to say goodbye to the couple with the woman one in it, just like everyone bloody expected. That'll teach her to leave the kitchen.

The next round involves... well... more dart throwing and more answering questions, if I'm honest. The category board has gone and is replaced by a 'traditional matchplay dartboard', as Jim tells us every single week. Whichever couple scores the highest with three darts gets to answer the question. I think in later years they tweaked the format a bit so no couples were eliminated until the end of this round, but for most episodes, this round was a two horse race.

Keeping score in this round is Tony Green, famous for being the guy who keeps the scores and shouts stuff out on Bullseye. Tony keeps the show ticking along nicely, curbing Jim Bowen's urges to just start calling the contestants gay.


Bugger, now my outsiders are out of the race too, leaving the boring couple to romp home to victory. This always happens.

These guys have won £191, which Jim proceeds to count out in notes during the break. Since he only ever has a couple of notes in his hand, I assume it's Jim's special currency – a £100 note, and a £91 note.

After the break, a famous darts player or a celebrity comes on to throw darts for charity. Tonight it's the brill Jockey Wilson -


As usual, points equal pounds, and if the guest scores 301 or more with 9 darts, the producers double the money. This doubles the sense of failure when the guest scores something like 37 with 3 darts. That happened a lot, especially when it was a non dart playing celebrity, or a woman.

Sadly Jockey Wilson only scores 220, but that's still a pretty respectable score on Bullseye.

Now it's time for everyone's favourite bit – the prize board!

 
We get to see all the stuff that Central TV managed to buy in bulk off the back of a lorry, or got for free with Tiger Tokens.

Tonight's prizes are -

In 1! - a dozen bottles of champagne – not bad actually

In 2! - a washing machine

In 3! - his n hers crappy watches

In 4! - a BMX bike

In 5! - a set of garden tools. They ALWAYS have this prize, every week without fail

In 6! - some horrible wicker chairs

In 7! - a camera

In 8! - a food mixer

And Bully's special prize – a colour TV, with Teletext no less

Ok, I guess the prizes aren't that bad in this episode. But I have seen some horrors – like a basket of dried flowers, and a wheelbarrow. I refer you to http://shitbullseyeprizes.tumblr.com/ for more hideous fayre.

This is what the guys won - the washing machine, the matching shit watches, the camera, the food mixer, and the colour TV. Not a bad haul.


This is the bit I always loved as a kid – the guys have to decide whether or not to gamble, risking their prizes for a chance to win the STAR PRIZE.

The guys decide not to gamble, which is a bit of a surprise since they've done reasonably well tonight. But oh well, this means the runner up couple can come back and gamble the money they won!

They can always refuse as well, which means the third couple come back and have a go. I'm not sure if there's ever been an episode where none of the couples want to gamble – I think it might be one of the rules of the show where if you come last, you have to gamble. You know, like if this is your first time at fight club, you have to fight.

As it is, the second couple have decided to gamble, and must now score 101 or more with 6 darts in order to win. Nails are well and truly bitten at this point.

Oh bollocks, they don't win. I thought thy were going to win, thanks to a fluke treble 19 by the non dart player, but luck was not on their side in the end. Now for the cruellest part of the show – the star prize is brought out so Jim can taunt them about being losers. This time it's a car with a big dart in it -


And that's the end of the show. The sad, minor key version of the closing music is played if the contestants lose, which I'm sure cheers them up a great deal. Jim finishes by reminding us that 'You can't beat a bit of Bully', and the show is done for another week.



Maybe my love of Bullseye is just me subconsciously latching on to that 'oh weren't the 80s great, isn't old stuff funny' bandwagon. Although that wouldn't be so subconscious, since almost my entire blog is based on that ethos. I think my love goes deeper than that though. I think it is an admiration based on a feeling of cosy familiarity, being reminded of a simpler, pre internet time, and sitting on the sofa with the mister and taking the piss out of the contestants who, let's face it, are there to be mocked.