Childhood stuff #8 - Tele Bingo

I have writers' block today. I've been occupied with work/website related stuff, and in my spare time have been busy being far too hot.

When I was a kid (hang on, why do all my posts begin with me sounding like an old dear in a care home?) Now I've forgotten what I was going to sodding write.

When I was a kid, a hefty amount of my time was spent crossing numbers off a little plastic board -

This glamour encrusted spectacle was known as Tele Bingo, or Telly Bingo (which I think sounds like a dodgy used car salesman) or Colour Bingo. I was nearly an expert at this game, sometimes only being too slow to miss four or five numbers in an entire game. The Tele Bingo we frequented most was here, at BJ's amusement centre in Ingoldmells, sadly closed now -

Tele Bingo was ace because it only cost 10 or 20p a game, and you could win tokens which were saved up and exchanged for prizes. And everyone knows how much I love tokens.

It was pretty much a standard game of bingo. The numbers were called out, and also displayed on little television screens throughout the room. Each set of 20 numbers was given a corresponding colour (on the left was red, in case you were wondering). When your number was called, you crossed it off. This, I guess, is why kids were allowed, even welcomed - no messing about with bingo markers.

If you got a horizontal, vertical or diagonal line, or the four corners, you won. Sorry, let me rephrase that - YOU WON! 

Sometimes you had to press the 'claim' button when you won, and sometimes it was automatic, all done by computers and magic and shit. I much preferred the automatic versions - manual claiming could be damn tricky - you had to realise you'd won quickly enough. If you didn't, and you missed your win, the world was not big enough to hold your sorrow.

Mostly this was a 'me and my mum' activity, although my dad sometimes played too. However, even at casual seaside bingo the unwritten bingo rule applies - men are looked at a bit strange if they dare enter.

How to handle grown ups - 101 useless scams

Just a short post today, on a book that was, in theory, my bible as a child. In reality, of course, I was always too much of a wimp to actually put any of the ideas in this book into practice.

How to handle grown-ups, by Jim and Duncan Eldridge, claims to be able to get a child out of any tight spot, providing 101 fail-safe excuses for any occasion. In retrospect, I realise these excuses are perhaps not as "fail-safe" as a gullible child might have thought -

Reason for not doing the washing up - "We've run out of washing up liquid."

Way to go Braniac. There's no way your mother will do anything as drastic as looking in the cupboard to check.

Reason for being late for school - "I was here much earlier, but no one else was, so I went home again thinking school must have been cancelled."

Obviously, school opens at 5.30 in the morning, so anyone who isn't there at that time is a lazy fuck.

How to get more pocket money - "I want to buy you a special present."

Listen kiddo - I have money, and if I want something I'll buy my own fucking present. Which is exactly what I would be doing anyway.

How to get your parents to buy you something - "Were you a deprived child?"

Nope, and neither are you so shut the fuck up.

Reason for not eating certain foods - "Eggs are baby chickens. I'd feel like a cannibal.

This excuse will only work if you are a chicken.

How to get more food - "You're looking a little overweight, so perhaps I'd better eat that for you."

The result in our house - a slap.

Reason for having a pet - "I promise I'll look after it.

This is not a reason to have a pet. It is a standard aspect of pet care once you have acquired said pet.

How to get your parents to give you a clothing allowance - "Don't you trust me?"

Not as far as I can throw you, kiddo.

Music education Barbie style

Betterware catalogue - things you never even knew you needed

Every once in a while, this plops onto our doormat -

I like to peruse the Betterware catalogue, if only to check if their ware has got any better. It rarely has. Allow me to display some life changing inventions, beloved by old ladies everywhere -

Were you born into the sacred, God given role of 'Keeper of the onions'? Never fear - never again will you have to fight off onion thieves with a sword.

"Look stylish". Like this woman.

"Modesty panels"? What the fuck are modesty panels? Are they seriously suggesting that without these, women would be walking round with their tits out? Actually my friend Janine did that once, but it was only once.

Look lady, if it ain't an entire packet of biscuits, I don't want to know. Imagine turning up to someone's house with this. No one I know would dare turn up at my house with this.

This looks far too much like alcohol. If I came in drunk one night, I'd probably drink this whole bottle by mistake.

Coal paint. For painting your coal. "Oh sorry darling, I can't go out with you tonight, I have to stay in and paint my coal."

Firstly, I don't believe this flimsy plastic basket is entirely weatherproof. It might not withstand, say, a tornado, or getting struck by lightning. Secondly, I haven't seen a peg basket for ages. Didn't they go extinct in the 90s, along with cullottes and Walkmans?

"Look beautiful in blue." Actually, that is quite a nice dressing gown. I...oh...you're supposed to wear it outside?

I think they've already invented a dispenser for toothpaste, called a tube.

"Make your face glow." Yes, if I attacked my face with a toilet brush, I'm pretty sure my face would "glow" too.

Is this really the perfect welcome? I suppose it depends on who you're welcoming. If it's your boyfriend, maybe a steak and a naked woman would be a better welcome. If it's someone trying to sell you something, a punch in the face would be an appropriate welcome.

Are you tired of never looking like a member of The Seekers? Help is at hand with this "Instant Seekers" playset!

And finally - because I am an idiot, I read this as "Keep damp baby in small spaces." And I didn't even bat an eyelid, such is the Betterware catalogue.

Childhood stuff # 7 - Snap Snap

This guy -

Otherwise known as the very devil himself. As a child I was absolutely terrified of Max Headroom, or 'Snap Snap' as I called him. I have no idea why I called him Snap Snap, but the name does suit him. Look at him, with his angular head and stripes. Urgh. For a lot of years I used to have to hide behind the settee when he came on TV, which was sadly quite often, because Bobby Davro did a Max Headroom sketch on his impressions show, which my parents loved.

I can sort of watch Max Headroom now, but he's still sort of creepy. Worse than that, he's not very funny. And that is unforgivable.

Lazy Town – one hero’s endless struggle to defend freedom and cake

Imagine being dropped into a world where half the people have plastic faces. As if that wasn’t terrifying enough, imagine then discovering that normal food is banned, and that inhabitants of the town are forced to take up weird, Orwellian compulsive exercise programmes. This is the scene that faces our plucky hero, Robbie -

Lazy Town is an odd show for children, because an episode generally never has a happy ending. Instead of everything turning out ok in the end and all the characters giggling and waving at the camera, the viewer is normally plunged headfirst into a bleak, dystopian landscape where evil triumphs over good. While this might teach children some valuable life lessons, it does make for disturbing viewing.

In the episode I chose to watch, the story centres around the ruling Mafia style gang extending yet another arm into the control of public life – this time by taking over the entire TV network.

I'll pause to fill you in on the gang terrorizing the town -

Pixel - the brains and technical mastermind of the gang 

Sportacus - poster boy for the gang; an attempt to promote a people-friendly image 

              

Stephanie - similar to Sportacus; there to appeal to females as non threatening 

Stingy and Ziggy - from what I can gather these are Pixel's henchmen, although Stingy's obvious wealth might be helping to finance the operation 

Trixie - smarter than she looks. Frequently used for interrogation purposes 

The “Mayor” and Bessie “Busybody” - parental figures of the gang. Serious infringements are brought before the “Mayor”, and he will determine a suitable punishment.

Robbie, our hero for the duration and all round quiet, understated good guy, settles down in front of his TV with a snack, only to find every single channel has been hijacked by the gang. Since the gang don’t appear to have a name, I’ll call them the PE Teachers.  

Every channel in Lazy Town is now taken over with weird propaganda and compulsory aerobics shows, thanks to a pirate antenna built by Pixel. All colour schemes are gaudy and bright in order to induce a mild hypnotic state in the viewers, and shows are peppered with various gang slogans and phrases such as “sports candy” (whatever the hell that is), “everybody move”, and “go go go!” All programmes are designed to either bamboozle or lull, consisting of the poster boy/girl dancing around and smiling, and news programmes where all the news is good and nothing ever goes wrong in the world - 

Robbie knows he must act to stop this before the entire town is brainwashed, but realises he must go undercover. His plan is to bravely attempt to infiltrate the various programme sets, and sabotage the shows, thus breaking the hypnotic hold over the town. When Robbie reveals his plan, the viewers breathe a collective sigh of relief since he appears to be confident in his abilities, and not worried in the slightest.

Unfortunately, as an artistic necessity, the viewer is then subjected to a horrifying display of the PE Teachers’ programmes.

What the hell is sports candy? At the beginning I wondered if they meant fruit, but I’m starting to think it’s more sinister than that. If they are going out of their way to market it as ‘sports candy’, it’s not unreasonable to assume it’s laced with some kind of powerful narcotic, no doubt concocted by the ‘chefs’, Stingy and Ziggy.

Our hero has arrived in town, so we can breathe a bit easier for now. He soon gets wind of the ‘sports candy’ plan, and makes a brave attempt to dispose of the entire stash. He knows if he is caught he will have to pay a visit to Trixie, or worse, the ‘Mayor’, so stealth is essential -

The narcotic aspect of the ‘sports candy’ is all but confirmed when poster girl Stephanie sings about how it’s ‘fun to play with colours’.

Success! Robbie has managed to get rid of all the sports candy. Next is perhaps the most dangerous mission of them all – infiltrating the ‘happy news’ presided over by the ‘Mayor’ and ‘Busybody’.  As a side note, we find out that the ‘Mayor’ is Stephanie’s uncle.

Our hero effortlessly thwarts the ‘Mayor’ and, with a terrified Busybody in the background, proceeds to give a direct warning to Pixel. Plus he reveals that ‘sports candy makes you sick’. Pixel is rattled, but he’s not through yet. As if to send a counter warning to Robbie, he switches to Trixie’s interrogation hour. Robbie knows he must steel himself and join Trixie if he is to triumph over the PE Teachers.

After being forced to humiliate himself by dancing for Trixie, Robbie escapes by the skin of his teeth, but still on track. Now he heads to the henchmen, Stingy and Ziggy, to take their programme out. As a last ditch attempt to keep his hold over the show's viewers, Pixel orders 'Busybody' to begin an impromptu puppet show -

This David Lynch-esque spectacle lasts until Robbie realises he must risk his life to bring down the PE Teachers once and for all. Donning a gorilla suit so as not to be recognised, and also to provide some protection from bullets, he climbs the TV mast, swaying precariously with no thought for his own safety.

Robbie’s plan begins to work, so the PE Teachers bring out the big guns. This is the final showdown, a fight to the death, a hundred feet above LazyTown -

Robbie is captured! He is taken to Pixel, who converses with the ‘mayor’ about how best to deal with him. Meanwhile, the rest of the PE Teachers continue to broadcast, with Robbie incarcerated and unable to stop them.

The gang place Robbie under house arrest, where he is forced to watch them make their return to the airwaves, bigger and bolder than ever. But our hero is bold enough to match them, and is soon planning his next move. He knows he can never give up his attempts to stop the PE Teachers once and for all. Will he succeed next time?

We leave Robbie on this cliffhanger. Knowing our hero, it won’t be long before he’s back to take up arms against the forces of evil once more. Until then, all we can do is hope.

Rainbow - it ain't half hot Geoffrey

It's Summer! I may have been a bit late with that observation. But as such it's time for the Rainbow gang to celebrate the hottest day known to man. Before I start, I should like to declare that my pen has run off, so I am writing the draft of this using my 'Longford Intermediate School' pencil (where is Longford?). Fuck you pen, see if I care.

This is a good episode if you fancy Geoffrey (which I do not) because you can see his legs, all the way up to the top of his legs -

For everyone normal - consider it a warning *

This episode is called "Hot Day", and is about a day that's hot. Some stuff happens, but mostly everyone is hot.

We start off in the garden - the gang are so hot they decide to set up a nudist colony -

Just kidding - I'll explain that clip in a later post

Hot Day part 1 -

                                      

Zippy is lying there looking like a pimp, and George is wearing 3D glasses for some reason.

“Come and make some sand pies with me Zippy”

“What? Oh fuck off George you massive git.”

Enter Geoffrey in hotpants, carrying a huge diphagram -

Zippy has lost his sun hat, and will surely DIE.

Bungle comes out, looking like a hairy gay Aladdin. Ha, Zippy shares my sentiments.

Absolute comedy gold coming up here. Bungle has a hose. Can you guess what's about to happen? That's right – Bungle acts like a twat. Zippy's laugh is phenomenal.

Then we have a disturbing Lines and Shapes involving a boy doing a striptease. Not cool.

The gang all complain about the heat, claiming it's difficult to breathe. If you're that hot, Bungle, you might want to consider taking that ridiculous bear suit off.

Once again the hose is brought into play, but this time it's Zippy's idea so it's not a twattish thing to do. Guess who gets wet again? This really is a dream episode for Geoffrey fangirls (which I am most definitely not).**

Geoffrey the wet T shirt model then shows us how to make the worst sun hat in the entire world. I think he actually has to glue it onto Zippy's head to get it to stay on.

Zippy, quite reasonably, asks for a drink on account of how he's choking due to the heat. Geoffrey denies this harmless request, insisting that he must first fulfil his role of washerwoman. The heat causes Geoffrey to lose his rag – you've never seen anger like it. Not really – his voice just raises the tiniest amount, and then he immediately begs for forgiveness. What a guy!

Bungle toddles off to get the drinks, which he could have just fucking done in the first fucking place.

Part two!

Some people on the beach, and doing summery things in general (not rioting though).

Back to the plot - more Geoffrey porn, and Bungle has decided to remedy the 'being too hot' situation by putting more clothes on.

"Gone for a dip in the pool." Seriously? Bungle went for a dip in the pool? Have you seen the size of A) Bungle and B) the pool? What did he do, dip his toe in?

George and Geoffrey then talk about being all hot and sticky. This episode is pure filth. Geoffrey fangirls (one of which I am not) will surely have had to change their undergarments by now.***

Thank goodness we now have a musical interlude - I don't think I could have taken much more of the one man sexorama. Rod Jane and Freddy perform a toe tapping jaunty number about how it was sunny and now it's raining. I'm not sure why Jane is a ghost -

Back to the garden, and the gang are just about to have a 'picnic on the lawn', when a strange woman jumps out from behind the washing. The gang apparently know her, so are unfazed by this. I think she has a nightie on.

Bungle, in a massive ass-fucking of logic, runs inside to put his dressing gown on, because he's worried about a lady seeing him in only his pants. I don't have to explain why this is insane to anyone who has ever seen Rainbow. To those of you who haven't seen Rainbow - why is it insane? Fuck you, that's why.

Guess what today's story is about. Go on, guess.

After the strange woman has finished crapping on about hot weather and elephants, it starts to rain and the gang panics. except it's not raining, it's just Bungle dicking about with the hose again. In his dressing gown. And his Aladdin hat. Bungle might be having a nervous breakdown. I certainly am.

Then it really does start to rain, so the gang grab the washing and run inside. And here we find a convenient place to say bye bye.

*I feel really mean for implying that Geoffrey is ugly. I didn't mean that, I just meant that I personally do not fancy him.

**I'm sure there are ladies that do fancy Geoffrey.

***I really do feel very mean.

Bod - the rogue apple planet

Someone has asked me to take a look at short lived 70s cartoon Bod, and I must say I was pleasantly surprised when I watched an episode. As my regular readers know, my default setting is to mock shows mercilessly, but I won't be doing too much of that with Bod. The show is understated, quiet, and goes at a relaxed enough pace to be reminiscent of Oliver Postgate and Peter Firmin's Smallfilms productions, which I adore.

The show centers around Bod*, who appears to be a small Chinese child. Bod shares a town (I say town, it's more of a green void) with Aunt Flo, PC Copper, Frank the postman and Farmer Barleymow. From what I've seen of this show, PC Copper is the only one who ever talks any sense, which is surprising.

In this episode, Bod has an apple. I am already on the edge of my seat. Instead of eating the apple, which is roughly the size of his head, Bod decides to throw his apple up in the air, just because. At this point, I thought the apple was going to come back down on Bod's head, giving him a concussion. This does not materialise. In fact the apple does not come down at all.

Aunt Flo/Nurse Gladys Emmanuel appears. This woman has four hairs and a Tunnock's chocolate teacake on her head. I like her. After a brief chat with Bod, the apple still hasn't come down. I think Bod might have thrown it into space. After all, the apple was big enough to have attracted several planets into its orbit. Yes, the apple is definitely in space. That is definitely where it is.

Aunt Flo, having nothing to do on account of her being a woman, decides to stand with Bod and wait for the apple planet to re-enter Earth's atmosphere. I wonder if this is where the Planet X/Nibiru conspiracy comes from? Are all the doom peddlars just stood about waiting for Bod's apple to fall back down?

Here comes Frank the postman, with the single greatest piece of entrance music ever. Think of the entrance music for Ron Jeremy, crossed with the Fonz, crossed with a hippy. For reasons I still can't fathom, Frank the postman also decides to wait for the prodigal apple to return.

Then a cock goes off. This, we find out, is to herald the entrance of Farmer Barleymow. And oh my god, he has even sexier theme music. Think of the music 1960s strippers used to use and you're halfway there.

Farmer Barleymow looks like a really badly creased Russian. And I'm sure I don't have to tell you what happens next, but I will just in case you're stupid. Farmer Barleymow decides to wait for the apple, declaring that “What goes up must come down.” He's obviously never bought petrol recently.

They all stand in a row like twats, waiting for this apple to come back down.

PC Copper arrives, with a moustache that makes him look exactly like Zoidberg -

When the others tell him what they're doing, he cruelly debunks their theory, stating that a passing bird must have nicked the apple. He then calls them all “daft”. If you aren't familiar with the word “daft”, he's basically calling them all fucking idiots. Even the small boy.

They all become acutely aware that they are, in fact, fucking idiots, and become suitably embarrassed.

“Honestly Bod, sometimes I think you need your bumps felt.” Sorry, what? What?

Bod feels like a fucking idiot because the time he's spent waiting could have been spent “getting another apple to throw into the air.” Why? What on Earth for? So the apple planet will have a friend and not be lonely?

But wait! The rogue apple planet returns! And yes, it does hit Bod on the head. No one questions where the apple's been, or why it's been up so long. They just kind of accept it as one of those things, although everyone's hat appears to have a different opinion – they're all so embarrassed by their respective owners that they try to leave -

Then they all get apples and, just, chuck them about a bit. The entire mystery of the apple planet is forgotten entirely.

I like Bod. I shall definitely be seeking out more episodes to watch, possibly on a quiet Sunday afternoon with a glass of milk. It seems appropriate.

*Bod does not appear to be an acronym for biochemical oxygen demand. I think it's just his name.

Quotes from Skeletor

“I have to be brilliant just to make up for them!”

“Spider-brain!”

“They should call you...Wimp-lash!”

“You musclebound buffoon!”

“I'll turn you into a suitcase!”

“I am not nice, I am not kind, and I am not wonderful!”

“Books are the real treasures of the world!”

“Unlike you, he has a brain!”

(in response to “but I don't need a parachute...”) “That's what you think!”

“It's the Sorceress you boob!”

“Dolts, halfwits...BUNGLERS!”

“You couldn't even beat a motley group of gnomes!”

“Who does that cabbage think he is?”

Pages from the 1991 rainbow annual

Posted to my other blog of miscellaneous things, for all the Rainbow fans :)

http://iwishihadaboat.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/pages-from-1991-rainbow-annual.html

Bag O Fun comic - Bag O Crap

Last night my friend "made" me buy this -

Let's just say we had some fun with the free gifts and the drawing competition (which I am sure to win). Full review is here - 

Carnival of crap... 

Vicky the transgender Viking and the pipe cleaners

My friend asked me to review this show. My friend must hate me, and I have spent the time since beginning this review wondering what the hell I could have done to annoy him so much.

By the way, as with most of my reviews, this will only make sense if you watch along with me. Now that disclaimer is out of the way, I am cleared of any future wrongdoing whatsoever.

Oh, and ALSO, the Wikipedia entry for VTV has Vicky down as being a boy. This is bullshit for two reasons. Firstly, her name is Vicky. Granted, that might be a translation thing, so I'll move onto the second problem. Vicky wears a dress. Actually, upon closer inspection, is it actually a dress? It might just be a really girly looking tunic. But parents take note – if you want your child to grow up of the male persuasion, do not name him Vicky and make him wear a dress. Especially if he's a fucking Viking.

So – video first -

Also here is the Youtube link, so no one else will moan about how they can't possibly scroll down and watch, and I might possibly be spared life for murder - Youtube Vicky

Oh Jesus Christ, this theme tune is an hour long. The only theme tune longer than this is Willy Fog Willy Fog theme tune hell

and that ended up being rather jaunty so all was forgiven. This, however, is a load of old men down the pub moaning about how their ex wives have stung them for every penny.

Not even 40 seconds in and I'm going for a well deserved cigarette.

Ok this must be episode 1, since a bit of Viking history is given. Here we are told that our heroes are setting forth to “raid and plunder”. No raping and pillaging then. That must be in episode 2.

I must say though, the animation reminds me of Smallfilms (Oliver Postgate and Peter Firmin – Clangers, Bagpuss etc), so this is a redeeming feature. Actually, upon further investigation (clicking on one page), I realise it reminds me of Noggin The Nog. 

Their flag – is it a viking hat, or is it Patrick Star doing a muscleman pose?

So – plot (I use the term loosely). Bla bla bla, they are returning to their village, bla bla bla, and a man who looks like a rat comes in his pants, bla bla bla.

At around 2:50, lift/elevator music starts to play.

The Viking's milkshake has brought all the wenches to the yard. Yay verily.

Oh good, someone sent me a request in Bubble Safari. Any excuse to stop watching this.

Suddenly, an old man juggles some children.

Oh my god, so Vicky really is a boy? “Where's my son Vicky?” pretty much confirms that.

Bla bla bla, the Vikings are still doing all their homecoming crap, bla bla bla.

“I know where Vicky is, he's me, in this dress, as usual.”

But wait! Vicky's off being chased by a wolf? This shit could get good! But no. In the next second we see “him” being chased by the skinniest animal in the world – a wolf made out of pipe cleaners, and not even real pipe cleaners. This wolf is about as scary as my dad when he's making a nice cup of tea.

From the noises Vicky is making, I suspect “he” rather likes being chased by this wolf.

So far, a grand total of FUCK ALL has happened.

Hahahahahah I do love the main Viking dude's wife though. Upon returning from months or years of pillaging upon the high seas, she just says - “Oh, it's you”

When I am prime minister I shall give that woman a title. For cash, obviously.

Wait, why is the Viking husband suddenly Scottish at 5:20?

Ok for the first time in this episode I laughed. I laughed til I snorted. Firstly, the awesome wife just shrugs off her not coming to meet her husband by saying “Oh I had loads to do”. Secondly, the Scottish husband expresses his displeasure by blowing a horn at her. Not smacking her upside the head as I expected (and hoped).

Also, why is the wife talking like Joanna Lumley?

This face. Remember this face. For she will surely become ruler of the great earth before our time is come and gone, such is her wisdom and general reluctance to listen to her husband's insane fuckage. I don't know her name, but I'm going to call her Joanna.

No, the wolves were scared of you because they were underfed mutts, and you had a big stick. Get over yourself Hamish.

I missed how Vicky killed that pipe cleaner wolf, because I was texting my friend. I'm not sorry.

Are you seriously telling me that's a boy? I have twin nephews his age – they have farting competitions and play Grand Theft Auto. They do not fluff their hair and run away screaming from pipe cleaners.

We now have a Road Runner/Carry on type of scene, wherein the wolf gets bashed but appears to get off on it.

Incidentally, pause the video at any point between 8:09 and 8:12, and you get animal porn. Jus' sayin.

I'm sorry, I gave up at 8:54 – this is just not my cup of tea at all. Maybe one day, when I'm feeling braver, I'll go back and finish the quest. Until then, it's on Youtube if you particularly hate yourself.

I don't know what part 2 is and I don't fucking care.