Yet despite all this, there are a few toys that slipped
through the net. And wouldn’t you know it, it’s these toys that have been
etched into my memory the most firmly. Of course, as an adult with money and
stuff, I could just buy them for myself now. But this is stupid for two
reasons. One – it’s not the same unless you tear wrapping paper off it in a
screaming, mullet haired frenzy. Two – shut up.
1. Tomy Tutor Play Computer
I used to resort to things like mugging other children to
try and get this. Once we stayed in a hotel in Wales, and the son of the owner
had a Tutor Computer. I demanded to have it, and tried to smuggle it out of the
hotel. Who cared if I then had to leave my parents and go on the run? Fuck
that, I had a real computer!
Obviously that plan didn’t work, and it wasn’t a real
computer anyway. It was just a series of pictures you could flip round by
pressing buttons. But to my four year old mind, it was the fucking Enigma Machine.
Possibly the reason I never got this was that by the time I was begging my
parents for it, they thought I was too old to be learning words like ‘cow’ and ‘plane’
in a fun way. Oh I’m sorry, I shall just take my four year old self off to
recite some Socrates from memory then.
2. Baby changing unit (any brand)
My rich friend, who had every fucking toy ever, had one of
these. Mind you, she also had bright orange eyebrows, so I win. I shared a room
with my older sister around the time I wanted one of these, so I think there
just wasn’t room for a full doll changing unit. Never mind, I improvised – I put
my smallest baby doll in an empty Ferrero Rochers box, and let me tell you,
that was just as ace.
3. Petite Typewriter
I remember exactly why I wanted one of these. At the time I
used to read loads of Peanuts books,
and I was always captivated by the strips where Snoopy would sit on the roof of
his kennel, writing the first page of his great novel (“It was a dark and stormy night…”). I guess even back then I wanted
to be able to write utter crap that no one in particular would read. As such,
what I wanted more than anything was a proper, grown up looking typewriter of
my very own. I would have loved that typewriter, I would have cherished it, I
would have written about three sentences on it before I made a mistake and
decided the whole idea was stupid, actually. Maybe my parents were sensible.
4. She-Ra Crystal Castle
This was the big one, the one I always dreamed of
owning, throughout all my career as a child. It stood in pride of place in our
local toyshop, priced at about £30. Quite a lot of money back then for what was
essentially a lump of pink plastic. But I did have all the She-Ra figures, and
it was my responsibility to make sure they weren’t homeless. I failed them in
this, and they had to spend their lives living in makeshift hostels built from
boxes and toilet roll tubes. It was a squalid life, full of disease and
violence, and eventually some of the dolls turned to drugs and petty crime. Not
She-Ra though – she got adopted by the Eternia royal family, so she turned out
ok.
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