I swear, the
world of computers and the internet is the one place where people regularly say
“Oh, I really miss the slow, clunking systems we used to have. Why don’t they
bring them back?”, and really mean it.
I am one of
the nutters who says this, although I wouldn’t really want to go back to the days of dial up – having to wait for
your sister to get off the phone so you can view one grainy image of Radiohead,
on a website that runs at approximately 1KB per year due to all the fucking
clip art it contains.
But there
are a few things I’d like to see again, purely for nostalgia’s sake.
Our first
computer (VIC-20 etc aside) was a Packard Bell desktop with Windows 95. I’d
spend hours bathing in the glow of its monitor as a lonely, friendless child. I’d
draw crappy pictures of stars and flowers in Paint, write even crappier poetry
(even back then I had an inflated and wrong sense that my writing was good),
and spend hours dicking about with the bundle of CD-ROMs that came with the
computer. Greeting card making software, although our family never made any
greeting cards, ever, a weird Batman animation thing, and a pre-school
collection of weird interactive ‘games’ (I use the term loosely), that I wish
to god I could remember the name of.
When I am
rich I’m going to buy a Packard Bell desktop, complete with Windows 95, and
track down all my long lost software. But for now, telling you guys about the
things I miss will have to do.
1. The dial-up music -
Everyone
misses this a bit, and those who don’t are liars. This is probably on every
single ‘things I miss’ list that anyone has ever written, and with good reason.
The internet
just doesn’t have that sense of ceremony anymore. The dial-up music was
essential for creating that build up of tension and excitement you experienced
when about to be launched into an electronic world of wonder.
I know it’s
not technically music, but it feels wrong to just call it a noise, it deserves
more than that. I’ve included a clip below, so your ears can listen to it –
Dial up sound - uploaded by cdoamh -
2. Packard bell Navigator -
I’m not sure
if this was ever intended to be a full operating system anywhere, or just a
whimsical optional extra. It was a graphical user interface, replacing the
standard desktop layout with the interior of a house, with different rooms for
different functions. For example, the study contained all your office
programmes, the Hi-Fi area in the lounge stored all your media, or you could
click on the skylight, which would take you to the dizzying heights of the
internet.
I think one
of the reasons I loved Navigator so much was that it gave me a feeling, albeit
slight, of having my own house, where I was free to come and go as I pleased.
This feeling was reinforced by one of the upstairs rooms – a hangout for teens
called MySpace (no, not that Myspace,
I’ll get to that later).
MySpace was
the cool and groovy hangout for losers like me. It contained a filing cabinet
that could store various files, including your homework (like kids back then
ever did any homework on the computer), some other stuff, and a weird pairs
matching game, which would sometimes reward a winning round by showing you a
short clip of Nosferatu (I swear I am not making this up). There were also
links to all your cool, teenage software which, if you were me, was the word
processor, Paint, and the aforementioned weird pre-school software.
3. Microsoft Entertainment Pack -
I know all
computers are pre loaded with games, but these days they tend to be the all
singing, all dancing, ‘connect to the internet and pay us money’ kind of thing.
I just bought a new laptop with Windows 8, and I don’t even know what games I
have on here, that’s how bothered I’m not.
Back in
1995, Windows came pre loaded with a varying assortment of small games, which
could include, but were not limited to –
Freecell –
I was a
goddamn expert at Freecell – I’d spend hours up in the spare room playing it,
when I wasn’t writing shit poetry or trying to find pictures of Thom Yorke to
swoon over (I was a weird kid).
Microsoft
Golf –
I was a bit
shit at this. I’d normally score about 4000 over par at any given hole, and the
computer would encourage me to kill myself since I was such a failure. Still,
like a woman who is convinced she can change her drug taking, layabout
boyfriend, I kept playing.
Rodent’s
Revenge –
Rodent’s
Revenge was a puzzle game in which you had to move blocks in order to trap a
cat, so he wouldn’t eat the mouse (you). I was ok at this, but tired of it
quite quickly, and always buggered off to play Freecell instead.
Minesweeper
–
I never
played Minesweeper, but you all know what it’s about. It was always there, like
the can of soup you have at the back of your cupboard that you’ll never eat,
but is nice to have in case of a power cut, or Armageddon or something.
Ski Free –
Forget it. I
am only good at games where you need no hand/eye co-ordination whatsoever.
Sim City –
This was
definitely the game I played most. I don’t know if my version of Sim City was
the very first, but it was definitely a very early one. It was a 2D, birds eye
view of your Utopia (I always gave my city a name like like ‘Jennyville’, which
might give you a clue as to how shit my poetry was).
You could
place, roads, parks, or commercial, industrial or residential areas by
“plopping” them onto the map, using the “plop” button. Occasionally, a Godzilla
or an earthquake would devastate the town, at which point I normally lost. But
I kept plodding, or ‘plopping’ on. I wonder if the residents of my various
cities are doing well these days? Probably not. I bet Godzilla has eaten them.
4. Geocities -
I never had
my own Geocities site (my connection was far too slow and haphazard to allow
this), but back in the day these were the sites I visited most. They were
normally pages about someone’s obsession – everything from Chesney Hawkes to
rare specimens of beetle. But more often than not, it was clear (in retrospect)
that Blogger and LiveJournal would eventually take up where GeoCities left off.
Thanks to Geocities, every stroppy teenage girl and her dog had the chance to
feel like a public figure by spouting their shit out there for everyone to see.
Now this trend is carried on by blogs. For examples of self indulgent
crap-mongering in a blog, see THIS example.
But I loved
it, like I love reading random blogs now. And sometimes, by searching on ‘Ask
Jeeves’, I would happen upon a site of interest to me. Usually these were
things like ‘TaMSinS RAdiohEaD SiTE’, and ‘Broken BUtterFly – whY my lIFE is
HorRible BecAUSe my paRentS won’t Let ME stay Out pAst 10.pm’
5. Floppy disks -
The reason I
loved floppy disks so much is that they made me feel like I really had
something to contribute to the world. They really made me feel like a somebody. Nowadays, when I occasionally
do write something that a couple of psychos on the internet want to read, I
save it online, or on my hard drive, or on a USB stick. None of these methods
give me the sense of importance that floppy disks gave me for this reason – on
a floppy disk, you could write what it was, in pen, on the label, for everyone
to see. For example, I could leave a disk named ‘Jenny’s poetry’ on the table,
and my family would see it and think “god, another disk full already? She must
be a creative genius!” Or, more likely, they would think “She’s wasted another
one of my disks. We’re going to have to start locking them away Ann.”
If only
there was some easy, free way to show people how much of an artistic genius I
am nowadays. Oh wait…
6. Myspace customisation -
Technically
this hasn’t become obsolete, but it has really. How many people do you know
with a personal, active Myspace? That’s not to whore out their band or their
deluded ‘modelling’ career? Yet a few short years ago, it was de rigueur to adorn your Myspace page
with all kinds of sparkly shit like this –
And like this -
Can you
imagine going onto someone’s Facebook profile, then waiting ten minutes for all
that tat to load up? Me neither. I do miss being able to add such a personal
touch by fannying about with my layout, but that’s a small price to pay for not
having to wait for a page like this –
7. Encarta Encyclopedia -
Before
Wikipedia became the go-to source for plagiarism, Encarta was there, quietly
helping us with our homework, and helping us bone up on important topics such
as the length of the river Ouze, or one song by David Bowie. Encarta was
a proper, old school encyclopedia (as old school as it can be without being in
actual book form), with the one drawback that it didn’t contain any content
that the makers didn’t class as worthy, or that they’d never heard of. As such,
the articles were limited. But to a 13 year old me, it was the font of all
knowledge. Plus, there was a groovy little add-on game called MindMaze –
MindMaze was
a bit like Knightmare, only without the mortal peril, and you had to answer
general knowledge questions. If I
remember correctly, a jester guided you through the various rooms of the
general knowledge castle. I think I might have completed it once, although that
might be my overinflated ego, again.
So, that was
my little reminiscing session through the annals of time. All I can say now is
that it makes me feel old. Now I’m going to go watch Antiques Roadshow, while wearing one of those big single slippers
that you buy from the advert pages of TV guide magazines.
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